ashes of a heart

“huwag limutin nakaraang araw / sariwain kahit balik-tanaw / takip-silim 'di man mapigilan / sandali lang ang dilim...” (huwag limutin, arnel aquino sj)

this february has been quite extraordinary. and i’m not referring to anything related to romance. but i’ve observed that quite a number of my friends and acquaintances suffered the loss of a loved one on this month of hearts.

it first struck me as ironic that on this “red month” - where both valentine’s day and this year’s chinese new year are festively celebrated - circumstances cause so many hearts to feel blue (or, more aptly.. “to feel grey or black”). the pain of loss is felt all the more deeply when you know that you *would have been* celebrating “if only he were still around..” and all the happy faces surrounding you don’t really help to lessen your grief.

sorrow. pain. mortality. death. these aren’t exactly what we would like to be reminded of; especially during the season of love. but at times, we are forced to face these things whether we like to or not. and we have no choice but to deal with them.

today is ash wednesday - a day when we are told, “thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return.” it is a solemn reminder of our mortality. it is an admonition to us to prepare our hearts.. to make sure that we are ready to face the Lord when the appointed time comes. it is a day of fasting and repentance. it is a day colored *grey.*

but for me, ash wednesday brings not just warnings, but also *hope.* for while we are reminded of our mortality, we are also given the promise of His comfort. and while we are admonished to repent and to turn away from sin, we are also reminded that the Lord is full of mercy and of grace. psalm 30:5, “for his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

brothers and sisters, your heart may have gone through some tough times recently. and perhaps you feel like nothing’s left of it but ashes. but our God is faithful. He will *never* allow you to go through any trial beyond what you can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).

minamahal kitang tunay / ang tinig ko sa ‘yo’y bubuhay / sambitin mo ang aking himig / at ako sa iyo’y aawit

He loves us. not only during “red days”.. but more importantly, during “ash-colored days.” God’s love is the music that brings joy to our lives. and with His melody playing, we can *always* find it in our hearts to rejoice ü

catching hearts

“everytime i look at you, i feel better. it shocks me. it knocks my wind out, but it’s true.. i’d be happy just to look at you from across the room. and even that - anything - any piece of you, i mean, hopefully all of you, that would be the best thing because i love you.”

- george, grey’s anatomy

when i watched that episode of “grey’s anatomy,” i went “awww :)” haha. it was so romantic.. and so *mushy*.. but if the love of my life said those words to me, i wouldn’t go “awww” at all. ‘coz i probably would have *fainted* out of sheer happiness :p

but today, no one will say anything of the sort to me. and i still don’t have “the love of my life” that i can introduce to my friends. ok, at this point, maybe *you* are going “awww :(” . please don’t :p ‘coz though i may not have a “sweetheart” or “honey pie” at the moment, i do have valentines this year.

yes. you read correctly. valentines. more than one ü because this february 14, i have a “date” with the people i hold especially dear to my heart - all at the same time - here at this prayer meeting ü

who are my special valentines?

they are people in the choir with whom i’ve spent the past 11 years of my life ü we’ve worked together, had fun together.. laughed, cried.. fought, made up. we grew up together.. we know each other’s strengths & weaknesses. and we continue to support and encourage one another in our service ü

my valentines are my closest friends in the community. those who have stuck with me, rain or shine. the ones whom i’ve learned to trust and rely on. who honestly tell me when i’m being too bitchy.. but do not hold back their encouraging words either. they’re the ones who defend me even when i’m not there to witness it.. and who value my friendship, even when they already have the love of *their* lives ü

my valentines are my dad and my mom.. who are not conventionally mushy nor romantic. but they’re the most selfless love-givers i’ve ever known. they help people in need - financially and in other ways as well. dad shares his *time* and skills with most everyone. he inspires a lot of people with his prayers and his words of wisdom. mom is a “small giant” of a teacher ü and in her own quiet way, she brings Christ to her classroom. she also prays for an incredibly long list of people. they are the people i run to whenever i’m down. dad and mom are the ones who know me through and through. and both of them make our house a *home* - a place of rest, in spite of the fact that chores keep piling up ü my parents are my “daily” valentines. they are God’s living reminders to me that i am extraordinarily loved.

these are the people who make *everyday* seem like valentine’s day for me ü and i am blessed. truly blessed.. that while God is preparing that *one* special person who will catch my heart someday, He rained down so many hearts on me as i wait ü so i’m in no rush right now. my heart’s net is full of great catches ü happy heart’s day everyone!

the sunless lands

i didn’t really know him well. i couldn’t even remember what he looked like.. whether he was short or tall, dark or fair. i didn’t know his voice; and his name didn’t ring a bell. all i knew was that he was one of the quiet ones. the ones you easily forgot..

he used to be my student. and he died last thursday - the first day of the love month. took his own life. i learned about it the following morning from his batchmate:

“ma’am alam niyo ba na namatay na si ----?”

“uhmm.. may nabalitaan akong gano’n kanina.. sino nga ulit ‘yon?”

“ka-batch po namin.. kaklase ko nung 4th year.. maputi na matangkad.. nakasalamin..”

“hindi ko ‘yata siya naging student.. pero medyo familiar ‘yung pangalan niya..”

so i got my copy of their yearbook, looked for his name.. and that’s the only time i remembered him. he was in my computer class for a semester. and though his classmates would often chat with me or update me on their acad/family/love lives, he would just sit in his corner of the room and keep silent. we never talked.

he was an average student. he did not excel; but he never gave me headaches in class either. he wasn’t one to cut class. he passed his projects on time. he had no vices. he was normal. ordinary. and invisible.

and his death bothered me.

like i said, i didn’t really know him well. but his suicide deeply troubled me. and i could not help but wonder to myself “what depth of despair and misery could cause someone so young.. whose life was full of promise.. to just end it all?”

i started thinking of all the other nameless, faceless people i encounter everyday. how many of them are hurting? how many of them are lonely and desperate? how many hide behind carefully constructed masks? how many of them are just waiting for an encouraging word.. a friend to talk to.. a hand to hold? and how many of them have become invisible to me.. and to all of us who are too preoccupied with our own concerns in life?

“we are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed... therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” (2cor 4:8, 16)

“there, but for the grace of God, go i..” i am blessed to have the Lord in my life - to know and be known by Him. it scares me to think what my life would be like otherwise. but there are many more who do not know Him.. who desperately need God in their lives.

am i ready and willing to share Him with them? are you?

i am beautiful.. because you love me

“ang himig mo ang awit ko / lahat ng ito'y nagmula sa iyo / muling ihahandog sa ‘yo / buong puso kong inaalay sa yo”

- noel cabangon, paghahandog

when i heard bro obet cabrillas sing these lines last saturday at the recommitment seminar, i tried my best to stop my tears from falling. but i couldn’t. i couldn’t explain why i felt the way i did then. even if it was my favorite song. bro obet confirmed what i already knew: God really prepared my heart to hear His Word last saturday.

i have been in rivers for more than a decade. i’ve been singing for the Lord for almost 12 years. in all this time, i have gone through so many changes - in the way i deal with people, in my worship, in how i know myself and in my relationship with God.

when i was new in the community, i was *sure* of what i wanted to do. i wanted to sing. i wanted to worship. i was eager to attend every worship seminar the community had to offer. I was *sure* that God came first in everything i thought and did. i was zealous in my service. i read my bible daily and prayed for hours on end. i wrote in my devotional diary every chance i get; and i only listened to praise & worship songs. my first four years in rivers were really full of spiritually high moments.

then disillusionment came. hindi pala perpekto ang community na nasalihan ko. hindi pala lahat ng mga kasama ko ay madaling mahalin. at hindi pala lahat ng mga iniisip kong kaibigan ko ay nagmamahal sa akin. it became much more difficult to serve. attending the various activities became a burden to me. i spent most of my prayer time grumbling to God about my hurts. my diary entries dwindled. and the worship songs i loved to listen to before.. they just didn’t seem to inspire me as much anymore. my heart no longer seemed to burn with love for God.

i learned to hate myself. i hated the person i’ve become - bitter, discouraged, frustrated, cynical and angry. the person i thought i was when i first encountered the Lord seemed to be a figment of my imagination. i told myself, hindi pala ako mabait. hindi pala ako tunay na nagmamahal. at hindi pala ako madaling mahalin. and i hid from Him. out of shame.. out of resentment.. out of confusion.. and out of hopelessness. i was a big disappointment.

i continued to fulfill my commitments to my ministry and to the community. i *forced* myself to stay, because i knew if i stopped serving, i may never return. and all that time, there was an emptiness in my heart that just wouldn’t go away. until this weekend.

saturday afternoon, bro arun discussed with us a piece called “our greatest fear”.. and it really hit me hard. part of it says,

we ask ourselves, ‘who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god!

and my heart suddenly understood. it was fear that held me back all these years. fear of failure. fear of rejection. fear of disappointment. fear of getting hurt. i thought myself beyond saving.. and i was terrified to put my hope in a God that i’ve hurt and disappointed so. my heart could not bear to be rejected again.

but as i opened myself up to His Word, the Lord made *one thing* very clear. *He would never reject me* He loves me. in spite of my shortcomings. in spite of how i see myself. in spite of what i think i have become. i saw myself as someone beyond repair and beyond help. yet He looks at me and sees one whose heart used to burn with fervent love for Him. more than that, He sees me as the child He’s slowly making perfect :)

as i prayed, God graciously allowed me to see myself with His eyes. and He sees me as truly beautiful. and i could not help but agree :) i *am* beautiful. not because of who i am. but because of Who made me. He is beautiful.. therefore, so am i.

it is true. His love does set us free. His love drives away all fear. His love gives us hope. and in the fact of such awesome love, we cannot help but truly worship:

“o diyos, o panginoon / lahat ng biyayang aming inampon / aming buhay at kakayahan / ito'y para lamang sa iyong kaluwalhatian”

i’m committed to serve once more. this time, with overflowing love and gratitude. because He loves me :)

writer’s block.. writers’ bloc

ok, so it *finally* happened. i ran out of stuff to write about. hindi ko alam kung sobra lang akong busy last week (what with the MoA service, choir practices, lesson plans & quizzes to check, etc.) o talagang wala lang akong maisip.. pero ‘yun. for the first time in more than a year, it happened. i got to experience the writer’s block.

for others, this may not be such a big deal. “e ano kung wala kang maisip isulat? buti ka nga regular na may nase-share. ako di man lang makasulat..” but that’s just it. i’ve been a *regular* contributor. i’m used to being able to write stuff in a matter of minutes. and for writers who are like me, one of the scariest things in the world is a blank piece of paper (or, alternatively, a blank pc screen). one that remains blank, even after several hours of hard thinking.

ironically, kung kailan ako walang naisulat na article, saka naman ako nilalapitan ng mga tao. “uy, gusto ko ‘yung sinulat mo ngayon..” (uhmm.. wala po akong sinulat for this issue..) “‘di ba ikaw si lilbluegurl?” (ahh.. eh.. hindi po ako ‘yun.. iba po ang pseudonym ko, hehe).

so i reread lilbluegurl’s article from last week. true enough, it read like something i would have written, haha. hindi rin siya gumagamit ng capital letters. magkahawig kami ng writing style. naalala ko tuloy ‘yung time na napagkamalan ‘yung ibang tao ang sumulat ng article ko (that’s how i met my ‘soulmate’.. but that’s another story). hmm. masyado na ‘yatang bonded ang mga contributors sa newsletter, kaya napapagpalit-palit na kami ng mga readers! pwede na kaming bumuo ng isang maliit na “club” hehe :)

well, that rekindled an old idea i’ve been toying with. so last sunday, nagtawag kami ng pinakaunang meeting ng writers’ bloc (note, walang “k” sa spelling!). it was an informal gathering of all those who have contributed their sharings/stories to the rivers newsletter. naging magandang opportunity rin ‘yun para makilala namin ang mga mukha sa likod ng mga pangalan (o pseudonyms) ng mga writers.

there are about 26 contributors to the newsletter; although nung sunday, mga 15 lang ang nakapunta sa meeting. masaya, dahil kahit na iba-iba kami ng edad, personality at ministry, nakakapag-bond pa rin kami. after all, we had that one thing in common: our writing :)

we chatted for a while.. talked about the newsletter, our initial difficulties with writing, suggestions for columns, etc. and i found myself rather enjoying the moment :) and *that* in itself was remarkable, haha.. ‘coz i normally do not enjoy meeting new people. pero nung sunday, natuwa ako. ‘coz i was around brothers and sisters who knew about writer’s block and other “scary” stuff :) thank God for them!

so now i have something new to thank the Lord for. and something to write about as well! i hope soon, YOU would share with us your stories.. and choose to join us too :)

a beautiful mistake

while surfing the net today to look for stuff to write about, i came across this site that featured the stories behind the invention of some modern-day items. and, being the science geek that i am, i became really interested in the article. here are some not-so-known trivia i’d like to share with you:

* a swiss chemist named jacques brandenberger wanted to get rich by inventing a stain-proof tablecloth. he was able to develop the product; but unfortunately, it didn’t quite catch on (people happened to like stains on their tablecloths. go figure, haha). so he changed his marketing strategy and after a couple of years, cellophane became a popular product for packaging food.

* superglue (also called cyanoacrylate) was accidentally discovered by dr. harry coover. he was trying to develop a heat-resistant polymer for jet canopies; but he was not successful. the substance he concocted was just too sticky. it even ruined an expensive pair of glass lenses. but instead of getting frustrated over his mistake, dr. coover marketed his new discovery as the now-famous superglue.

* in 1970, 3M labs was trying to develop a strong adhesive. however, spencer silver was only able to come up with a very weak kind of glue. it would stick at first.. but then it gets unstuck easily. seemingly useless at first, “spencer’s glue” became near-indispensible when his colleague used it to stick markers on their church’s hymnbook. the glue let the markers stay in place without damaging the pages.

* in 1928, alexander fleming’s experiment became contaminated with an unidentified mold. as a result, the bacteria he was researching on (the staphylococcus bug) died. but instead of being dismayed with himself (tsk, tsk.. such shoddy science!), fleming decided to investigate this unknown mold.. and thus, penicillin was born.

it was fascinating for me to read about these things. and honestly, it also cheered me up a bit. ‘coz it’s nice to know that mistakes do not mean the end of everything. a lot of mistakes can be undone. and a couple of them may even turn out to be beautiful.

the new year has barely started and already, i’ve broken some of my resolutions (that bit about the cheerful disposition is pretty hard to do, you know). i’ve already messed up.. got worked up.. but (thank God) not yet given up :p

‘coz He’s a God of second, third, fourth (only He knows how many) chances. and who knows? eventually i may find that my mistakes are actually beautiful blessings.. in disguise :)

my grownup christmas list

i was doing some last-minute giftwrapping for some friends last sunday. as i was seated on the sofa making christmas bags for presents, i turned on the tv. the show was a recap of 2006 - mostly stories of the lives of victims of the tragedies of the year.

upon seeing the theme, my first thought was “ano ba naman ‘to.. magsisimula pa lang ang bagong taon, panay trahedya na naman ang pinapakita nila!” it’s not that i don’t sympathize with those in mourning. the fact is, i avoid watching those kinds of features because seeing people in that situation depresses me. and since the holidays usually stress me out, i was in an even gloomier mood. i just didn’t want to make matters worse for myself.

but as the anchorperson interviewed one particular family whose house was literally washed away by the flood, the camera zoomed in on the father’s beaming face. she asked, “tatay, bakit po nakakangiti pa rin kayo, gayong nasira na ang bahay ninyo at inanod na ang mga gamit ninyo?” and the man just replied, “kasi maswerte pa rin kami. siguro kung hindi dahil sa mga dasal namin, mas malala pa ang nangyari. at least magkakasama kami ng pamilya ngayon. ‘yun naman ang importante..”

then the reporter interviewed another family - those who were grieving over the death of their mother, who was killed in the wowowee stampede of february 2006. it was their first christmas without her. unlike the previous family, their house was intact. they have a stable source of income. but their family was not complete.

“kung mayroon kayong wish ngayon pasko na gusto niyong mangyari, ano po iyon?” the reporter asked the bereaved husband. “sana lang po magkasama-sama kaming lahat nang maayos dito sa pamilya.. sana makasama ko siya ulit, kahit sa altar lang, kasi siyempre hindi na talaga mababalik ‘yung dati.. pero ‘yun lang, masaya na ako..” he replied, with a sad smile on his face.

i was given a different perspective on joy and celebration that day. it was humbling to realize that i, who have been blessed with so much, still found it possible to sulk and brood; while these people whose lives were changed so drastically, found joy and peace in spite of the pain in their hearts.

“celebration is a natural result of a grateful heart.” i’ve heard that over and over this holiday season in fr. suarez’ homilies. and a grateful heart is *definitely* one of the items i’m including in my wishlist this year :-)

no more lives torn apart

that wars would never start

and time would heal a heart

and everyone would have a friend

and right would always win

and love would never end

this is my grown up christmas list

“merry christmas and a happy new year” - it’s the common greeting we give during the holiday seasons. but after seeing those families, i realized that more than a merry christmas, we should be wishing each other a blessed one. and instead of just a happy new year, we should pray for a joyful one.

because the tinsel and the lights fade. the christmas carols are silenced. the decorations are taken down. but when all the trimmings are gone, He is still there - through trials, tragedies and sorrow. we may not be happy the whole year through.. but with Him, we can always find peace and joy. and His Light shines, even in the darkest of nights :-)