a day in the life of the list queen

monday

6am wake up

take a bath

615 get dressed; eat a light breakfast

630 drive to graduate class

700 teach graduate students

1030 run errands/head home

1130 eat lunch

12nn drive/commute to next class

130pm teach algebra

530 head home

600 rest/do household chores

700 eat dinner

800 check mail/layout newsletter

read/prepare next day’s lesson

browse through planner

(check appointments, reminders)

1130 get ready for bed

12mn sleep (or at least, try to)

i’m a stickler for details. i am most comfortable when things are planned. that’s why before i start my week, i already imagine what i’m going to do for the next 7 days. i schedule my appointments, errands, etc. i make a list of the people i’m going to see or talk to, the things i’m supposed to do, stuff to buy, deadlines to meet, books to read, errands to run, etc. i write them all down in my planner.

my friends and students often chide me about this (they love to leaf through the pages of my planner - trying to read my really tiny writing). they shake their heads unbelievingly as they see the endless lists and other stuff i write - lineups, daily quotations, dates, birthday reminders, book reviews, post-it notes, lyrics, poems, color-coded memos, mirror writings, etc. someone remarked, “grabe ka naman.. kaya naman pala ang liit-liit mong magsulat.. e ang dami naman pala kasi ng mga sinusulat mo dito sa organizer mo!” well. what can i say?! i may not actually write down my daily schedule as above, but i have to admit.. i am the queen of lists :)

ok yeah, i’m organized. to the point of being near-obsessive compulsive :p and the downside to it is that i do not take well to change. i am not fond of surprises. i only agree to last-minute plans when the person requesting is someone who’s *really* close to me. if something is new.. or if it’s not in my to-do list for the day, chances are i will not even try to do it.

this year, though, i resolved to work on my spontaneity. i decided i’m going to be a bit more flexible.. more open to surprises.. more receptive to doing new things. so i took on the challenge of teaching my first graduate class.. as well as a newly-offered algebra course. i also agreed to become the senior grade level coordinator at school starting june. and although at the moment, the workload is really making my head spin, i’m also thankful for the opportunity to try out new things.. new responsibilities :)

as i browse through my lengthy “to-do list” though, i’m suddenly reminded of one important item that’s missing - my quiet time :p oops. hehe.. i guess the lord is reminding me to have the proper perspective on things. that in the midst of my hectic sked and never-ending lists and plans.. i need to make room for him - his word, his plans :p

proverbs 16:3 says, “commit to the lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”

hmm. i commit all my plans to you for approval, lord :p rigid or spontaneous.. predictable or filled with surprises.. may i always put you first in my daily list :)

wonderful journey

the past days, we members of the graduation committee have been busy preparing for the commencement exercises (yes.. while other schools have already started their summer classes, our students are just about to graduate. go figure ü) a lot of hard work, effort and sweat (literally!!) was poured into the rehearsals. for the past week, our music teacher, sir reyes, guided the graduating class into practising for the graduation and baccalaureate ceremonies. he’d spend hours with the students - teaching them how to sit and walk properly, how to applaud enthusiastically and how to sing with energy (and in tune, of course ü). he’d direct the leaders, give instructions to the ushers, coordinate with the other committee chairs and discipline the batch.

as i sat through each graduation rehearsal, i became witness to the students’ reactions. some were bored. others were inattentive. a few were annoyed. and all were tired. towards the end of the last practice, a frustrated sir reyes told me, “good luck na lang sa kanila bukas..” he was disappointed with the students’ lack of enthusiasm in singing. tsk, tsk. i felt for him. there’s only so much he can do, after all.

so this morning at the baccalaureate ceremony, we were both quite nervous. we didn’t know if the kids memorized the songs.. or if they were awake enough to sing well (the program started at 6:30am). but as the ceremony continued, we’d hear people say “ang ganda naman ng baccalaureate ngayon!” “ok this year.. organized ‘yung ceremony at saka lahat ng mga bata kumakanta” and we’d just smile. i couldn’t help but remember how many times sir chris raised his voice in frustration during rehearsals. haha. mabuti na lang naging maayos ‘yung mga bata pagdating sa actual. kung alam lang nila.. ü

by 9am, the baccalaureate ceremony was over, and the students had time to go around and hug one another. sir reyes was still at the keyboard.. and soon, almost all the kids in the graduating batch were behind him.. hugging him, mussing up his hair, taking pictures with him. they were smiling and crying at the same time. and i knew, in spite of the long hours and strict discipline, they were grateful to him for being a big part of their graduation ü

these lines were taken from the song “at the beginning” (flaherty/ahrens) that sir reyes taught the graduating class:

“life is a road and i want to keep going

love is a river, i wanna keep flowing

life is a road, now and forever

wonderful journey!”

graduating from high school. getting married. getting your first job. having your first child. these are some of the sprinkled “milestones” that add color and happiness to our lives ü but the journey becomes wonderful because of the people who help us along the way.. who guide us.. who stick by us.. who encourage us in every step we take. they are our teachers. our friends. our parents. our Lord ü

“i’ll be there when the world stops turning

i’ll be there when the storm is through

in the end i wanna be standing

at the beginning with you”

i pray that in the end, i’d come running to Him.. embracing Him.. crying & smiling.. to thank Him for the loving guidance He’s provided me in the wonderful journey of life ü

you found me

today was a busy day for me. you’d think that because it’s summer, we teachers would be on vacation; but nooooo. preparations for graduation, summer classes and seminars have been taking most of our time these past weeks.

i was at school the entire day, so i really looked forward to going home and finally getting some rest. alas, that was not to be the case. i got home, all right.. but relaxing was next to impossible. all the tidying up i’d postponed for weeks stared me in the face.. mocking me.. taunting me.

with a huge sigh, i started doing my long overdue chores. i tidied up my papers (all strewn about our sofa and dining table), dusted the living room, sorted my clothes, changed the curtains in my room and organized my desk. i was at it for several hours.. sneezing continually.. washing my grimy hands obsessively.. and still i was not even halfway done :( sheesh.

in the busyness of my schedule, it’s soooo difficult to keep all my stuff neat and organized. it’s hard to find time for dusting, cleaning and other chores needed to maintain order. so i ignore the mess and close my eyes to the chaos. and by the time i decide to actually do something about it, i’m surprised to find the really lousy state my room is in.

unfortunately, i can also say the same thing about my prayer life, of late. “there’s just so much work to do today,” i’d tell myself, “i’ll just say a quick prayer later on..” i’d often postpone my quiet time.. until i’d forget about it altogether. when i eventually find time to sit down and pray, i’d discover that i’ve already “drifted”.. and it would take a lot more effort and concentration on my part just to be “attuned” to Him once more.

i guess that’s why the lenten season is such a blessing. it provides us all with the opportunity to really *pause* and reflect on His love. to drop everything else and just focus on Him. and to discover that, in spite of our dirtiness.. our sinfulness, He looks at us and sees hope.. and beauty ü

“beautiful, that’s how mercy saw me. though i was broken and so lost, mercy looked past all my faults. the justice of God saw what i had done; but mercy saw me through the Son. not what i was, but what i could be. that’s how Jesus saw me”

thank You, for still seeing me as beautiful ü

way back into love

“the christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us..” (c.s. lewis)

one time, i told a sister in the community, “mag-contribute ka naman ng article sa newsletter natin.. tamang-tama, alam kong may maise-share ka ngayon” and she replied, “naku, hindi ko talent ‘yang pagsulat! nakakahiya naman. hindi ako magaling dyan” so i told her, “ok lang ‘yan. kahit tagalog/taglish; basta masabi mo ‘yung gusto mong i-share. ‘yung laman naman ang importante dun di ba?” so she wrote an article.. we did some minor editing.. and her sharing was printed in the next issue. now she contributes to the newsletter more regularly ü

i noticed that a lot of people (myself included) think the same way. we’re so afraid of not being good enough that we end up not doing anything at all. hindi maganda ang boses ko kaya hindi na lang ako kakanta sa worship. matigas ang katawan ko; nakakahiya namang makisayaw sa congregation. bagong member pa lang naman ako; wala pa akong mako-contribute na suggestion sa meeting. masyadong maliit naman itong pera ko; next time na lang ako maghuhulog sa collection box. the list of our excuses goes on and on.

last wednesday, for example. i had second thoughts going to megamall. i was hot, tired and feeling cranky because of a splitting headache. i wasn’t “in the mood” to sing. i definitely didn’t feel inspired or “holy.”

but i was assigned to sing; so i did. my headache and exhaustion got in the way, though.. so i started off doing things mechanically. i’d force myself to smile.. to dance along.. to clap my hands. i was thinking, “ka-plastic-an ba ‘tong ginagawa ko? hindi ko naman ‘feel’ mag-worship ngayon.. dapat ko pa bang ituloy ‘to?”

as the prayer leaders led us into worship, though, the heaviness in me started to lift. the tiredness left me and it became easier to smile, to dance, to clap and to raise my hands ü soon, i didn’t have to condition myself to worship - i already felt in the mood for it!

i learned an important lesson, then. the best gift we can offer to God is who we are, right now - frailties and all. because oftentimes, it is not perfection that He asks from us, but the simple act of offering itself.

at this moment, i am still so far from being Christ-like. i am not a perfect lover. there are so many things i have yet to learn about loving others.. about loving Him. but the best way back into love is to just love. to keep practicing it even when it’s difficult.. even when it hurts.. even when it doesn’t make much sense to do so anymore. because that’s what i’m called to do. because that’s the only way i will ever learn to love perfectly. and because loving imperfectly is still better than not loving at all ü

keep on walking, brothers and sisters! His love will see you through.. ü

fragile things

"it occurs to me that the peculiarity of most things we think of as fragile is how tough they truly are.

there were tricks we did with eggs, as children, to show how they were, in reality, tiny load-bearing marble halls; while the beat of the wings of a butterfly in the right place, we are told, can create a hurricane across an ocean.

hearts may break, but hearts are the toughest of muscles, able to pump for a lifetime, seventy times a minute, and scarecely falter along the way. even dreams, the most delicate and intangible of things, can prove remarkably difficult to kill.."

-neil gaiman

i was looking for a picture to place in this issue’s front cover and happened upon this quote from my blog. i posted it several days ago; but i realized that it ties in really well with the picture i found.

Christ on the cross. what could seem more fragile.. more vulnerable than that? a King helplessly nailed to a tree. broken. shamed. dying painfully amidst taunts and jeers. the image is the epitome of fragility.

and yet, ironically, the image of the cross is also the strongest, most enduring symbol of tough love. throughout the years, billions of people.. billions of souls have been saved.. simply because they believed in Christ’s one act of total love.

because He allowed Himself to be vulnerable.. and because He made Himself fragile, Jesus became, for every one of us, the best inspiration for true love.

author paulo coelho says, “the strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.” (eleven minutes) but i say there is *nothing* at all fragile about God’s love for us. our Savior may have *looked* vulnerable; His body may have been crushed; His bones broken. but Jesus endured all the pain and suffering because of one thing: His love for the Father.. His love for us.

brothers and sisters, we may feel broken and hurting. our bodies may be weak and failing. but let us not allow our fragility to dampen our spirits. we are strong. we are tough. and we will conquer. because we have a Savior Who loves us. and He will overcome :)

music & lyrics

“songs remain. they last. the right song can turn an emperor into a laughingstock, can bring down dynasties. a song can last long after the events and the people in it are dust and dreams are gone.” -neil gaiman, (anansi boys)

“talaga, math ang tinuturo mo?!?” hmm. that’s usually the unbelieving response i get from those who find out for the first time that, indeed, i am a math teacher. most people assume i’m either (1) a music student - ‘coz i am usually tasked to bring the clearbook with piano pieces; or (2) an english major - ‘coz you’d always find my nose stuck in a book; and ‘coz i am most comfortable conversing in english.

i guess my love for music and language just shines through naturally. i’m a sucker for songs with great lyrics (quotable quotes galore!).. my room is cluttered with books and CDs.. and you can rarely drag me anywhere without a thick novel or my trusty mp3 player.

i have a passion for music and words. they help me get through the toughest days. they allow me to express my deepest thoughts and feelings. and more importantly, it is through singing in the choir and writing in the newsletter that i am able to serve the Lord - hopefully ministering to others and touching hearts in the process ü

but let me tell you something: i’m *not* an extraordinary reader/writer; and i’m *not* a great singer/musician. i just happen to be a math geek who loves music and books. i get writer’s block and fumble for the right words to say. my voice is not “solo” material (for which i am sort of grateful, hahaha) and the last time i played the piano was during my recital more than a decade ago. i am *not* the best singer/writer; but i *do my best* in my service. why? because i love what i do. and because i love the One to whom i offer my talents ü

it is often said that we ought to “do small things with great love.” and to that, i say AMEN! ü in the end, i believe what matters most isn’t really how flawlessly i am able to sing or write.. but how much love, how much passion i put into it.

how much passion do we have for the Lord? how easily can people identify us as Christians? are we as enthusiastic when we talk about God as we are when we talk about our other interests?

all of us have felt God’s loving presence in our lives. we each have our own stories that witness to His goodness and faithfulness. He has blessed us with the capability to express our love and gratitude. He also provided a venue for us to serve Him and minister to others through this community. so express your love for God! ü join a ministry.. worship enthusiastically.. share your inspiring stories.. encourage others.. and do everything with love!

because we are God’s song. and others will hear His music.. His words.. through us. the love we pour into our service will radiate to those we minister to. and it will last.. long after we “are dust and dreams are gone.”

offer up your “five loaves and two fish” brothers and sisters! in His hands, it will bless more lives than you can ever imagine ü

my stolen heart

“i'll steal your heart and set it free / tear down the walls that would surround you / i may hold you close to me / but these ties will never bind you” (gloria estefan, steal your heart)

saturday was prom night in our school. now, i’m not really keen on attending parties and formal functions; but i’m glad i came. i learned a thing or two about love that night.

one of my students, ray, broke up with his girlfriend rica on valentine’s week. i saw rica crying in one corner of the classroom. she was really hurt. she dreaded being loveless on vday. she thought about what her friends would say. she didn’t want pity. she didn’t want to be talked about as “the girl whose boyfriend dumped her.” she worried about prom night.

so imagine my surprise when, last saturday, i saw ray and rica going to the prom venue together. i knew ray asked her to be his date as early as december last year (well, of course, that time, that was just to be expected); but i didn’t expect them to still go through with it after the breakup.

ray danced with rica. he also danced with others. rica didn’t. she could, if she wanted to. after all, they were no longer a “couple.” no demands. no commitment. no expectations. but still, she just sat there, with her other friends. not dancing.

my heart went out to her. i knew how she must hurt deep inside; but she managed to act normally. she could still smile.

i had to wonder to myself, “how could she bear to see him with other girls now? how could she still continue to sit there and wait for him in spite of what he’d done to her?” she must really love him that much.. to still support him after all the hurt he’s caused her. it was illogical. it was irrational. and i wanted to tell rica to just go look for someone more deserving of her affection.

that night, i was reminded of Someone else whose love i could not understand. Someone who loved me so completely and unconditionally.. who never stopped caring for me no matter how many times i’ve hurt Him. He loved me so deeply and so passionately.. yet so quietly, too. He would sit silently beside me.. waiting for me to come back to Him.. always letting me know that i’d have Him to turn to, no matter how far i’ve wandered and strayed.

His is the love that steals my heart away. and though He always holds me close, His love does not suffocate. instead, it is a love that allows me to inflict pain.. to feel hurt.. to slowly grow.. and to learn to love truly.

i let Him steal my heart away. will you let Him steal yours? ü