one fine day

as i write this article, one word is on my mind. DEATH. no, i am *not* being morbid nor suicidal. it’s just that recent events sort of force the topic on me.. so i have no choice but to think about it more deeply than i normally do.

last sunday, fr. mar in his homily mentioned the passing of their priest, fr. javellana. he described the latter’s suffering, and how fr. javellana’s disease caused his final years to be full of pain and humiliation. tonight, our choir is going to sing at his wake at st. paul.

this weekend, too, a relative of ours finally succumbed to cancer. my dad’s cousin was found to have a brain tumor around two years ago. she was operated on and put on radiation therapy; but there was no cure for her anymore. we witnessed how her condition deteriorated bit by bit. it was sad how we saw her change from this charming lady who would graciously welcome us to her home.. into somebody who could no longer talk, walk or even eat on her own. we will go to her wake in tarlac tomorrow.

then this morning, my mom’s inaanak died. complications arising from diabetes caused her organs to fail, and eventually led to her demise.

death. the great equalizer. it’s ironic how so few of us are preparing for it even though we are sure all of us will one day experience it.

on 01november, most of us will be at the cemeteries to visit the graves of our departed loved ones. the newly-bereaved will shed tears at the tombstones; while others (who have been going to the cemetery for years) will see that day as an opportunity to have a family get-together (complete with merienda, board games and radios, of course!) but i wonder just how many of us will *really* think about death on that day.

“life and love and why.. child, adult, then die. all of your hoping and all of your searching.. for what? ask me for what am i living or what gives me strength that i'm willing to die for“

- switchfoot

someone once said “in order to live life fully, one must constantly be prepared to give it up peacefully.” hmmm. this *does* seem to be a wise saying. because the life we live in this mortal body is only *practice* for the life we will live after we cross death’s threshold. so every day must be a day of preparation for the *real* life the Father prepared for us - an eternity of glory with Him.

and while it is true that death brings fear, grief and sorrow to so many of us, let us take courage and consolation in these words:

“for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Rom 8:38-39

*nothing* separates us from His love :) and hopefully, when it is our turn to cross the threshold, we will no longer be frightened, but relieved. grateful for the end of all our suffering.. and eager for the rewards of a life well-lived.

may that day truly be one fine day for all of us.

written in the stars

“..when i look at my life, how the pieces fall into place.. it just wouldn’t rhyme without You. when i see how my paths seem to end up before Your face.. the state of my heart.. the place where we are was written in the stars..”

some call it fate. others say it’s mere coincidence. nothing but chance. or maybe even luck. but i think otherwise. i’m not a great believer of coincidences. but i do believe in destiny.

i’m a member of the music ministry - an alto, actually. and because we usually do not sing the melody of the song, our tune sounds.. uhm, well.. “out of tune” to most people (at least, di nila masyado halata kapag sintunado kami, hehehe :p). sometimes it’s difficult for me to learn the alto part of a song. often, it doesn’t sound natural. i get distracted because i’m used to hearing only the melody. sometimes the lyrics we sing are different. at other times, we sing in counterpoint. it really could be quite a challenge to learn our part well.

i remember a time when bro rannie was teaching us the harmony of one particular song.. and we altos were having a difficult time learning the piece. we were all wincing as we sang.. unsure of our notes.. uncertain of our timing. we were all looking at each other, thinking “ang pangit-pangit naman nitong kantang ‘to” :p listening to the tenors and basses didn’t change our opinions, either. their parts didn’t sound any better than ours.

so it was such a pleasant surprise for us when *all of us* sang the song together: sopranos, altos, tenors and basses. the song was wonderful! :) individually, our parts sounded stilted.. incomplete. but sung altogether, the music sounded just right :)

i guess the same goes with our lives. we often undergo tough, trying times. we find it difficult to understand why we have to experience pain and hardship. we tell ourselves, “ang pangit-pangit naman nitong sitwasyon ko”.. and we fail to see the lessons we can learn. we look around and all we see are bits and pieces of unfulfilled plans and broken dreams. and we ask God “bakit Mo pinapayagang mangyari ito sa akin?”.. and we say, “if only i did this.. or if only i didn’t do that.. things would have turned out much better”

but like i said, i do not believe in mere coincidences. what i do believe in is a God who knows every twist and turn in our “chaotic” lives. we see failures and dead ends. He sees opportunities and endless possibilities. in His hands, our broken bits and pieces are turned into colorful mosaics. and our seemingly sintunado tunes are all part of this wonderful masterpiece that He Himself composed :)

“but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people set apart, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” 1 peter 2:9

our names are not just written in the stars. they are written in His hands :)

so live life with no regrets! He is in control :)

come around

i’m writing this on a tuesday (when most of the articles/contributions for the newsletter are submitted to us online). it’s almost lunchtime and i still have no article written. usually, i’m done by monday night. this week, though, nothing seems to come to mind.

so i started proofreading and editing the contributions submitted by our brothers and sisters in the community. one wrote about her difficulties as she struggles to belong to the rivers community. someone wrote about praying for her “special someone” while another praised God for sending him the love of his life. hmmm. that gave me an idea what to write about.. :)

when i turned 30 two weeks ago (i still can’t get used to the fact that i’m *this* old, wahahaha!), a lot of people warmly greeted me their birthday wishes. along with the greeting, though, some asked that question most single ladies my age dread to hear: “o ano, may boypren ka na ba? wala pa?! naku, dapat bilisan mo na! kelan ka pa makakapag-asawa niyan? kelan mo pa mabibigyan ng apo ang mommy at daddy mo nyan?” hmmmm. right :)

i still recall how i started writing for this newsletter. it all started with a broken heart that needed a place to express its pain. after writing a couple of articles, i noticed that a lot of other people started sharing their own stories - which were quite similar to mine. i guess they found that they could relate to what i wrote, hehe.

more than a year passed, and i still write (most of my “lonely hearts club” co-members still do, hehe). but not about broken hearts and pain. oh yes, sometimes, i still get lonely and sad. but now it’s different. dishing out my weekly contribution to the newsletter is no longer about venting. rather, it’s becoming aware of how God has been changing me.. healing me all this time, through the rivers community.

i know what sis lulu amo meant when she talked about wanting to leave the community several times. i’ve gone through those moments, myself.. and yet, here i am.. 11 years in the community and still happily serving :)

i can relate with “sleeping beauty” when she prayed for her special someone. hahaha. the Lord knows i’ve done that, too (though i haven’t written anything *remotely* like the letter she wrote. awwww..)

someday, i hope i’d be able to write something like what bro lei wrote. maybe one day i’ll be able to proclaim God’s goodness when He sends me the love of my life :p hmm. well, that has yet to happen.. but who knows, right?! :p

as i read the articles submitted by our brothers and sisters, i can’t help but feel happy. happy that God is faithful. happy that i belong to this rivers community. happy to know that i have brethren who have gone through the trials i’ve experienced.. and have survived.. just like me!

“..am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life? i’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.. unless YOU come around..” (rhett miller)

i was lonely then. but not anymore. “weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (ps 30:5) loneliness doesn’t last forever. sadness won’t be with you all the time. especially not in a community where you have so many brothers and sisters helping you on your Christian walk :)

the Lord continues to be faithful to me. so many people continue to help me in my journey towards God. and in gratitude, i now try to come around for others. nothing grand.. just small gestures: sharing my experiences through this newsletter, inviting a friend over to the LSS, helping out in the ministry, giving tithes/love offerings, etc.

how about you? will you come around? :)

tears in the rain

and i'll praise you in this storm / and i will lift my hands / for You are who You are no matter where i am / and every tear i've cried You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / i will praise You in this storm

- casting crowns

someone once wrote, “the surefire way to determine whether a child has grown up is if he can cry tears of joy.” i didn’t understand it fully at the time i read it; but the quote came to mind when i attended the leaders’ retreat last weekend (27-29oct).

i have a confession to make. when sis nona and sis lau asked me if i was willing to be head of publications, my head screamed “NO!” so it came as a surprise to me when i found myself saying “yes” to them.. after i ran out of reasons for declining the position.

it was difficult for me to accept a leadership post in the community for several reasons. for one thing, i was assigned to head a ministry i knew next to nothing about. sure, i wrote regularly for the newsletter.. knew how to layout and find articles for inclusion. but i didn’t know much about documenting or archiving talks.. or selling books.. or taking inventory of stocks.. or accounting/auditing. i was scared because i didn’t want to mess things up. and i didn’t want to be blamed in case things don’t turn out so well.

but what made it much harder for me was the fact that i’ve already been a head of a ministry several years ago. i *know* what it’s like to be in a leadership position - the countless meetings.. the demands on energy & resources.. the long hours trying to figure out how to make the ministry run more smoothly.. and of course, the intrigues. just remembering how it was for me back then really scared me. leadership, i felt, was a thankless job. and i wasn’t so sure if i was willing to go through all that again.

that was my disposition when i went to the leaders’ retreat. to put it bluntly, napilitan lang ako kasi required pumunta. i thought to myself, hindi ako handa para dito. ni hindi ko nga ginusto ito. marami pang dapat ayusin sa akin.. bakit naman kasi ngayon pa ako pinapag-head?

but as i listened to the different talks by bro chito and msgr rig, i realized one basic truth: there is no one worthy enough to serve the Lord. not me. not my fellow retreat-goers. not even our retreat masters! each of us is a sinner. more than that, however, each of us is an aspiring saint :) and God *wants* us to serve Him.. not because of who we are or what we’ve accomplished in life.. but in spite of who we are - weaknesses and all :)

before the retreat ended, we were all asked to go around.. to embrace our brothers and sisters and make them feel God’s love. it was truly a blessed moment. those who harbored resentment and bitter feelings towards each other, all of a sudden were hugging and crying.. saying “i’m sorry” and “i love you, bro/sis”. the feeling of heaviness.. all the doubt.. the fears.. and everything else that seemed to hold us back from serving the Lord.. all these just melted away as we went around embracing each other :)

now, crying is definitely not one of my talents. but on that day.. at that moment.. i simply could not stop my tears from flowing. but i was not sad. no, not at all. i was happy.. for me, for those who have been enlightened and empowered, and for everyone who has been healed and are ready to serve the Lord.

it was then that i knew the quote was true. the only way for a person to know true joy is for him to understand its price. when we realize the meaning of our suffering.. when we begin to see that our weaknesses serve a purpose.. when we understand that our frailties are used by God to bring us closer to Him.. then, and only then, are we able to rejoice with others to the point of tears.

i am unworthy. but my Lord is Worthy. and He will always be worthy - of my praises, of my love, and of my tears. sunshine or rain. yes, Lord.. always yes :)

chasing rainbows

for the past week, the word on everyone’s lips (especially here in manila) was “milenyo.” wreaking havoc and leaving destruction everywhere in luzon, this storm devastated so many areas. in spite of the fact that it lasted only a couple of hours, milenyo caused extensive damage to infrastructure, agriculture and livelihood.

news of the storm scared a lot of people. almost everybody stayed indoors, afraid to leave the safety of their homes. then power was cut off, and suddenly, even the home was not a place of comfort and refuge. some families had no potable water and no working phone line. some didn’t even have any candles left in their homes. with no electricity, people became restless and edgy. groceries and malls were closed. main means of transport - the lrt and mrt - were shut down. cell phone batteries went dead and mobile networks lost a lot of their cell sites, making communication extremely difficult. hmmm. only a few hours after milenyo passed through, it seemed as if the entire city was thrown back to primitive times.

i heard someone remark, “kawawa naman ang pilipinas, lagi na lang nasasalanta ng ganitong mga bagyo. hanggang kailan kaya tayo ganito? maawa naman sana ang Diyos..”

hmm. think for a moment, though. don’t you wonder what what it is that made this storm so devastating? it’s kinda weird - milenyo was not very “rainy” in as far as storms go. it didn’t last long, either. in fact, by thursday afternoon, the skies were quite sunny again. what made everything so crazy wasn’t the storm, per se, but its aftermath: the blackouts, the debris and the suspension of classes and work. what made things so much worse was that people were not prepared. we’re so used to having storms passing by our area of responsibility that we don’t take storm warnings very seriously. we don’t check our flashlights and candles. we depend so much on technology that we forget how to do our work without the help of our electrical appliances. we simply assume that we’ll always have water to drink and phones to communicate with.

a song by switchfoot goes “oh Lord, why did You forsake me? oh Lord, don't be far away away. storm clouds gathering beside me. please Lord, don't look the other way” i think many would have been able to relate to those lines. but i don’t think God was in hiding these past days. i think, through this storm, He was trying to show us what kind of people we really are.

were we prepared when the storm finally hit.. or were we forced to borrow resources from friends and neighbors? did we try to reach out to others in concern? did we volunteer our help in clearing the streets.. or were we among those hastily clipping off electric cables to sell? did we thank God for electricity, for water and for safety.. or were we continually grumbling about how long it took for power to come back on?

sometimes, we are too busy seeking comfort that we are easily displaced when hard times come. we are too caught up chasing after rainbows that we miss the point: there would be no rainbow without the rain. oftentimes, the Lord uses dark times to bring a lot of things to light. and His promise of a rainbow only came after 40 days of cleansing rain.

“two scared little runaways hold fast to the break of day light where the shadow proves the sunshine”

we don’t have to be afraid. we just need to hold fast in the midst of the storm. because He’s always in control. there’s always a lesson for us to learn. the shadows only prove the Sunshine ü