I Can

It's funny. When I started out in Rivers, I always had the feeling that I had a lot to offer to the community. I was excited to attend all the activities - ministry meetings, bible study sessions, cell group sessions.. name it, I'm there. I was eager to be a part of all that Rivers had to offer. My prayer life was great, too. Every morning I'd have my quiet time.. and then again at night. I had a "prayer diary" where I would tell God everything that went on in the day. I was happy in the community.. and I was so in love with the Lord.

This stage lasted all of five years. After that.. well, things sort of.. broke up into pieces, bit by bit. I made a lot of friends.. and lost some, too. I experienced disappointment and frustration with the very same brothers and sisters with whom i've been working. It became easier to stop attending the activities of the community. I also experienced spiritual dryness for the first time. Most of the time, I end up frustrated after I utter my prayers. It was as if God hid Himself from me. I was confused.. and lonely. The 'honeymoon' stage of my christian walk was over.

In his talk last Saturday at the workers' retreat, fr. Phil estrella discussed the different stages of spiritual development. One thing I remember in particular is when he said that we all go through the stage of 'first fervor' - the time of our life when we feel so in love with the Lord. This, however, lasts only for a short while. after that, we undergo what is called the 'waning' stage - the time when we first start to doubt.. when God keeps silent.. when we stop feeling so "high" during services.. and when our spiritual exercises seem to do us no good at all. Unfortunately, according to fr. Phil, the waning stage can last as long as 25 years or more.

As soon as I heard him say this, I understood that everything I have gone through.. and everything that I still am going through at this moment.. is meant to help me grow in my spiritual walk. So the honeymoon is over. Well.. that's great! That means I can now learn to love God more deeply.. and with more meaning. It means I can praise Him and thank Him even when He is silent.. and even when life just seems to suck. And more importantly, it means that this phase, no matter how long it may last, is just that - a phase. It will pass.. eventually :

"What took you so long to make me see how lucky I am 'cause I am free.. free to do things I wanna do? What took you so long to make me cry.. so I will know the reason why I'm so lucky I can smile?"

Yes, I am free to do the things I want to do. Free to cry, free to doubt, free to experience pain. But I'm also free to laugh, free to believe, and free to worship in a God Whom I know will always be there with me in my 'waning' moments.. and I know, with Him around.. I can do everything He wants me to ü

Happy in the Meantime

Everybody is looking for it. Everybody wants to have it. So few ever *really* and *truly* get it. And sometimes, even when they do, it doesn’t last long enough to be appreciated. Hmm. You have to admit.. sometimes happiness is overrated.

Christians, especially we who are in the Charismatic renewal, are almost always *expected* to be happy. We are, after all, an “Easter” people. But does this mean we should always have that smile plastered on our faces? Does this mean our eyes should never cry? Do our faces always have to radiate with joy?

Last Wednesday, I was feeling a bit down in the dumps. Deadlines at work, chaotic schedules and some friend problems were troubling my thoughts. I was tired, sleep-deprived, distracted and confused. Hence, it took a while before I could actually focus on Sis. Yna’s worship.

But in spite of the many distracting thoughts in my head, I tried my best to concentrate on the worship. And by the help of the Holy Spirit, I succeeded. It was a struggle at first, but eventually, I was able to really listen to the prayers and sing the songs from the heart.

I found out that when you *consciously* and *actively* participate in the community worship, you just can’t help but have a sense of wonder.. a sense of awe. What is wonderful? What is awesome? A God Who is as real when you are feeling sad.. as He is when you are feeling happy.

And that time, during worship, the Lord reminded me of a quote that I saved a couple of days earlier. This came from my favorite show, Grey’s Anatomy:

Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing... is reason enough to celebrate.

Happiness may be overrated. But gratefulness is not. To be an Easter person does not mean I have to glow with joy all the time. It does mean, however, that I be *grateful* for every blessing - big or small - that He bestows upon me. Because I do not need to be happy to be grateful. But I *need* to be grateful before I can be joyful ü

I am happy. In the meantime. And I know there will be times when I won’t be this way. When I will feel lost and shed copious tears. But that’s okay. Because I know when those times come, I’d still have Someone to be grateful for. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

C13 H20 N2 O2

Procaine (also known as Novocaine or Novacaine) is a local anesthetic drug of the amino ester group. It is used primarily to reduce the pain of intramuscular injection of penicillin, and is also used in dentistry.

(from Wikipedia)

Everyone has experienced it. That dull, throbbing sensation. One minute, you’re doing fine.. and the next.. your face is all twisted up in pain and you forget everything around you except for that stabbing ache in your mouth. Yup.. nothing hurts quite like a toothache.

Sometimes as we do our daily routine, we experience the “toothaches” of life. These are the pains that may not be very serious or life threatening.. but are very inconvenient. They distract you.. make everything else look blurry.. until you cannot think of anything else.

Each person has his own personal “life toothache.” For some, it could be a crisis of the heart. For others, it may take the form of a financial or family problem. Still, there are those whose pains stem from their addictions. Whatever the nature of the pain, though, one thing is sure: we all want it to stop.

If “Novocaine for the spirit” existed, we all probably would have taken it.. one time or another.. just so we would not have to deal with hurts and pains. But see, there’s no such thing as an anesthetic for life. And no matter how much we wish to be spared from trials, inconveniences and problems, we can’t just escape them.

So how do we deal? We do not take an anesthetic. We take the cure..

For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. (Job 5:18)

God wounds?! Yes, He does. But not without good reason. By His wounds, we are healed (Isa 53:5). In the same manner, by allowing us to experience woundedness, He teaches us how to heal others.

And sometimes, just knowing that our “toothaches” have a purpose is enough to make the pain bearable. Works better than Novocaine.. definitely ü

forget me not

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

- semisonic

it happened exactly one year ago. august 16, 2005. it was the day i officially became "single" again after four years into a relationship. it was the end of one phase of my life.. and the start of another.

i started writing articles for the newsletter a few weeks after the breakup. at first, i wrote because it was a form of "therapy" for me - a way to organize my thoughts and feelings. for quite a while, all i could write about was my heartbreak and my loss. it was difficult to see the blessings.. and it was always a struggle to find something to be grateful for.

but by the Lord’s grace, bit by bit, i felt my heart healing. soon, i found myself able to smile.. to laugh.. to hope.. and to love myself again.

it's been an eventful year. sure, there were painful moments. but there were abundant blessings as well: the love of family.. the comfort of friends.. the joy of worship and service.. the privilege of sharing God's Word with others.. the renewed friendship with my ex (yup.. we're good friends now, hehe).. the rush of new adventures, new experiences and new friends.. and so much more.

new beginnings. most of the time, when we go through bad times, we only look at what we've lost. but the saying is true.. "when god closes a door, he opens a window." we never really run out of opportunities to change.. to grow.. to improve. it certainly may not seem to be the case while we're going through the heartache.. but after a while, we realize that we have to say goodbye to the old before we can say hello to the new.

so today i celebrate my first "anniversary" ü let me share with you a verse that really gave me comfort during my darkest moments:

"can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? even these may forget, but i will not forget you. behold, i have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.."

(is 49:15-16)

yes, i am single.. but i am not "loveless." i love and am loved in return. i am remembered.. never to be forgotten.

ahhhh.. it's been a wonderful year. i'm looking forward to the next 365 days.. ü

Catching Z’s: Ramblings of the Sleep-Deprived

have you ever tried to stay awake for three consecutive days with only 6 hours’ worth of sleep? i have. just recently, actually. and well.. it didn’t exactly feel great :p

some people dread the nighttime. for most, the “witching hours” are unholy.. scary.. too quiet. as for me, well, i’m a night person. i prefer staying up late. i find i am most productive from 11pm to 2am. it is the time when i am able to write and compose my essays and other literary stuff. it is my “alone time” - where my only companions are my trusty zen micro and my beloved pc.

nighttime always had this appeal for me, even when i was much younger. back in high school, i remember i’d literally go sleepless for 36-48 hours straight.. just so i could read a good novel or study for a test. i loved the solitude and the quiet that i got when everyone else was asleep.

recently, though, the habitual sleep deprivation seems to be costing me. after a particularly busy weekend (mostly because of the upcat) with almost no sleep, i woke up on monday morning to a spinning room. i got up from bed and found that i couldn’t even walk straight. haha.. i probably looked like someone with a bad hangover. minus the drinking :p

i wasn’t able to go to work that day. i just stayed home and watched tv. and slept. and slept. and slept some more. it was as if i couldn’t get my eyes to stay open. i was powerless to stop my brain from shutting down and dozing off.
and i guess the same can happen to our spiritual lives, if we’re not careful. i mean, we can be so busy doing our daily routines - going to work, doing household chores, paying bills, even serving in church. and often we do not even take the time to pause.. to reflect on what we’re doing. we are proud of our “dedication” and our “zeal”.. and we forget (or sometimes even refuse) to take time out from the busyness of life.

but after some time, we find ourselves waking up with no enthusiasm.. no energy to finish the things we are tasked to do. everything becomes a burden. we experience burn-out. and we can’t understand why.

“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God.”
Ex 20:8-10

this is more than just good advice. rest is, in fact, essential to our spiritual lives. we all need our Sabbaths. not only on sundays or weekends.. but everyday. to take time off from everything else. to refocus our spiritual eyes. to spend a little more time with our most passionate yet most patient Lover. without it, we cannot function the way we should. without rest.. without spending some quiet time with our Lord.. we are like mere robots. allwork. no heart.

“And as I lay me down tonight, I close my eyes, what a beautiful sight” (Sleeping to Dream)

hmm. He is a beautiful sight, indeed ü i think i’m going to start catching up on my “zzz’s” from now on ü

A Glimpse of Heaven

“Everything is not enough / I’m looking for a little / Of that intangible stuff / Everything is not enough / I want more / I need more” - Seaholm

several weeks ago, we had to call the mother of one of our students at school. her daughter was found bleeding profusely from a self-inflicted wound - the girl slashed her upper arm using a cutter. the teacher who found her immediately brought her to the clinic, where the nurse dressed her cut as the guidance counselor tried to find out what caused her to hurt herself.

this student does not seem to have any particular problem. her grades are okay. she has not been involved in any disciplinary case. her family can afford to give her what she wants - books, computers, games, celphones, etc. she is intelligent, articulate and pretty. she isn’t shunned by her batchmates. she is a voracious reader and a prolific writer. she has unique ideas and can be very insightful in class (when she’s in the mood)..

and she hates herself.

her adviser could not understand it. nor could her mother. no one could explain how a bright, young girl with so much going for her, could feel the way she did.

it seemed that she had everything. but “everything” was not enough. because that which she most needed, she did not have: love and hope.

i remembered this particular student last sunday, when fr. mar gave his homily. he quoted mother theresa a number of times; but one struck me most: “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.“ and it’s true - loneliness can happen to people from all walks of life. no amount of money, power, fame or prestige can shake off the feeling. friends can offer their time and a shoulder to cry on. romantic relationships may temporarily keep the sorrow at bay. but really, no earthly force can take away despair once it has set in.

i know. because i’ve been there. i know how it feels to be alone.. and not liking even the company of one’s self. it is a terrible feeling, to say the least. and i would never wish it on anyone. not even my worst enemy.

that’s why one of the things i am most grateful for is that God made sure i am always surrounded by loving people. He sends me His love through my family, my friends, my co-ministry members and my brothers and sisters in the community. it’s true that many times, i take His blessings for granted.. and often, i become oblivious to His instruments of love and peace. but deep in my heart, i know i am truly grateful to the Lord for sending them my way.

i am also thankful that while i know how it feels to despair, God ensured that i would know how it feels to be loved.. to be wanted.. to have hope. but He does not pour out His love upon me all in one sitting. He lets me feel it bit by bit.. giving me small “installments” of His lambing just when i feel i can no longer cope.

and our weekly tv mass has been a surprising source of blessing for me. recently, i realized that it is not only a mass for the homebound. it is also a source of nourishment for those who serve. as we minister to the sick.. as we pray for those who need healing.. we ourselves are being ministered to. we ourselves are being healed. spiritually. physically. emotionally.

i thank the Lord for fr. mar’s inspiring homilies.. for the wonderful worship.. for the privilege of service.. and the feeling of belongingness everytime i attend our sunday masses. being in community certainly makes me feel God’s love in my heart.

i totally agree with what the donor of the check wrote. i thank God for letting me see a “glimpse of heaven” everytime i am with my Rivers family ü

i pray for our student.. and for so many more despairing people who are hurting behind smiling faces. i hope that the Lord will send them people who will make them feel His love.. who will share His joy and peace with them.

brothers and sisters, let us hope that we be privileged enough to be the “windows” of God’s love. because there are many who could certainly use a glimpse of heaven here on earth.