- casting crowns
someone once wrote, “the surefire way to determine whether a child has grown up is if he can cry tears of joy.” i didn’t understand it fully at the time i read it; but the quote came to mind when i attended the leaders’ retreat last weekend (27-29oct).
i have a confession to make. when sis nona and sis lau asked me if i was willing to be head of publications, my head screamed “NO!” so it came as a surprise to me when i found myself saying “yes” to them.. after i ran out of reasons for declining the position.
it was difficult for me to accept a leadership post in the community for several reasons. for one thing, i was assigned to head a ministry i knew next to nothing about. sure, i wrote regularly for the newsletter.. knew how to layout and find articles for inclusion. but i didn’t know much about documenting or archiving talks.. or selling books.. or taking inventory of stocks.. or accounting/auditing. i was scared because i didn’t want to mess things up. and i didn’t want to be blamed in case things don’t turn out so well.
but what made it much harder for me was the fact that i’ve already been a head of a ministry several years ago. i *know* what it’s like to be in a leadership position - the countless meetings.. the demands on energy & resources.. the long hours trying to figure out how to make the ministry run more smoothly.. and of course, the intrigues. just remembering how it was for me back then really scared me. leadership, i felt, was a thankless job. and i wasn’t so sure if i was willing to go through all that again.
that was my disposition when i went to the leaders’ retreat. to put it bluntly, napilitan lang ako kasi required pumunta. i thought to myself, hindi ako handa para dito. ni hindi ko nga ginusto ito. marami pang dapat ayusin sa akin.. bakit naman kasi ngayon pa ako pinapag-head?
but as i listened to the different talks by bro chito and msgr rig, i realized one basic truth: there is no one worthy enough to serve the Lord. not me. not my fellow retreat-goers. not even our retreat masters! each of us is a sinner. more than that, however, each of us is an aspiring saint :) and God *wants* us to serve Him.. not because of who we are or what we’ve accomplished in life.. but in spite of who we are - weaknesses and all :)
before the retreat ended, we were all asked to go around.. to embrace our brothers and sisters and make them feel God’s love. it was truly a blessed moment. those who harbored resentment and bitter feelings towards each other, all of a sudden were hugging and crying.. saying “i’m sorry” and “i love you, bro/sis”. the feeling of heaviness.. all the doubt.. the fears.. and everything else that seemed to hold us back from serving the Lord.. all these just melted away as we went around embracing each other :)
now, crying is definitely not one of my talents. but on that day.. at that moment.. i simply could not stop my tears from flowing. but i was not sad. no, not at all. i was happy.. for me, for those who have been enlightened and empowered, and for everyone who has been healed and are ready to serve the Lord.
it was then that i knew the quote was true. the only way for a person to know true joy is for him to understand its price. when we realize the meaning of our suffering.. when we begin to see that our weaknesses serve a purpose.. when we understand that our frailties are used by God to bring us closer to Him.. then, and only then, are we able to rejoice with others to the point of tears.
i am unworthy. but my Lord is Worthy. and He will always be worthy - of my praises, of my love, and of my tears. sunshine or rain. yes, Lord.. always yes :)
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