lessons learned from a new semester

today is the first day of the second semester at our school. a new semester.. a new set of faces for me to teach. in a span of a week (just about how short our sembreak was), a lot of changes have happened at school. and i do mean a lot!

for one thing, our school adopted a new scheduling scheme this semester. in order to save on energy consumption, the administration decided to implement a 4-day study week (we do not have classes on wednesdays). this meant that students (and teachers, naturally) would have to go to class earlier, have late dismissal times and shorter breaks.

then, also due to the energy conservation project of the school, almost all sections got dislodged from their usual homerooms. everyone had to readjust to their new "homes" this morning. soon, students would have to re-decorate their rooms again.. and start "owning" their rooms anew.

this sem, too, all of us teachers moved to new faculty rooms. during the break, we had to pack up all our things - books, papers, projects, and all sorts of teaching paraphernalia - and have them moved to the rooms we'd be occupying. it was a lot of work, gathering all our stuff.. sorting them, throwing out all the useless junk we've accumulated through the years.. classifying important documents and packing them.

i have to admit.. i was really disoriented when i came to school today. too many changes happened all at once. it was not totally unexpected, of course - these were all discussed with us a couple of months ago. nevertheless, it was still unnerving for me to stay at our new faculty room. i had the same chair, the same table.. and basically the same stuff.. but i was no longer at the room i've occupied for the past eight years. i was at a different place. unfamiliar. uncomfortable.

none of us welcomed all these changes with open arms. but we all knew that these had to be done to improve the management of the school. and, as in all things (particularly those that cause us great discomfort), i guess there are lessons to be learned; and here are some of them:

the less baggage you have, the easier it is to move. (Luke 12:15, "Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.") in my eight years' stay at our school, i'm happy to say i've not stored up *that* much junk. it was easy for me to throw away all the stuff i did not need anymore. so, when the time came for us to pack up our things and move, i had only 2 boxes and 1 bundle of books. i'm happy to say that it did not take me all that long to settle down to our new room. i wish i could say that of other areas in my life, too.. hehe.

it is difficult to move if you've already taken root. i guess what makes it hard for us to accept all these changes is the fact that we've all become attached to our usual hangouts. we were too accustomed to our surroundings. it was hard to accept all those changes because we were so used to our routines, our rooms, even our whiteboards. we were too “at home” with what we had. i am reminded of the Bible verse Rom 12:2, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” indeed, it is difficult to move to a place you have not yet considered your “home”..

change is inevitable. "the only constant thing in this world is change." so cliche.. yet so true. even our beloved faculty room was not spared from undergoing this major makeover. change excludes none of us. and yet, because "I the Lord do not change.." (Mal 3:6) we do not need to fear

how you deal with change says a lot about you. there are many ways of dealing with change and uncomfortable situations: (1) blame others for what's happening; (2) gripe and complain no end about how 'different' everything feels; or (3) strive to have an open mind, see what good can be gleaned from all the changes happening around and say "I will put my trust in Him" (Heb 2:13). the choice is ours, of course.. and what we choose to do says a lot about our 'teachability' and openness, not just to circumstances, but also to God's leadings.

tomorrow, i'll be back at school. back to the unfamiliar rooms. back to teach new students. but also, back to looking for the good in the changes happening all around. and back to listening to other lessons the Lord will be giving me.

A True Sacrifice of Praise

i learned a lot from the LSS this weekend. most of the things our speakers mentioned, i know i'll keep in my heart. but the one thing i won't forget was bro vic pestaño's sharing. well, actually, i think what touched me most wasn't actually his talk on growth and transformation; but the mere fact that he went to the LSS to give the talk.

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last friday, bro vic pestaño's daughter (who studies in UST) was walking near the campus area with her friend, jeff. when two holduppers accosted them and asked for their valuables, his daughter immediately complied. her friend, however, did not. a struggle ensued between jeff and the criminals.. until one of the men drew his gun and shot jeff pointblank in the chest.. then finished him off by shooting him in the head. bro vic's daughter, thankfully, was not hurt physically by the assailants. but she was severely traumatized by what she witnessed. as of writing, she is confined at the hospital, undergoing treatment for minor physical injuries.. and of course, psychological trauma.

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as bro vic recounted what happened to his daughter, he was clearly distraught. i mean, yes, he was able to give his talk.. and he delivered it really well, too. but when he talked about his family's recent experience, he could not help but shed tears. it was very moving to hear this preacher open up to us about his fear for his family's safety.. his doubts.. his hurts and pains.. his raw emotions.

bro vic pestaño is a great preacher. he delivers his talks really well - with a good combination of humor and substance. but last sunday, i really appreciated him, not as a preacher.. but as a fellow traveller who showed me how to walk the Christian walk. he was under a lot of pain. his family was undergoing a lot of trials. he had every right to cancel his talk. yet he came to preach to us. not so much with his words, this time.. but with his mere presence at the LSS: evidence of a clear and determined effort to say "yes" to the Lord.. to continue to serve God's people, regardless of the situation.

bro vic's commitment was a shining example to me.. and i'm sure to a lot more who are in ministry. serving the Lord will not always be easy. trials and difficulties may come. we may doubt.. we may fear.. we may not understand why certain things happen to us. but as bro vic said, "God is never wrong" - He knows what is best for us. and in the midst of the darkness, His Word.. His Love.. will always be there to give us Light.

WAITING

I was reading my daily devotional this morning, and it felt as if the Lord was really speaking to me. The verse I read was from Gen. 15:13-14; and it said, “Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be... mistreated four hundred years. But... afterward they will come out with great possessions.”

As I read the Bible verse, I wondered how God’s people must have felt at the time of their captivity. Perhaps they felt the way I do now. Impatient. Doubting. Afraid. Alone. I remembered how the people grumbled as Moses led them out of Egypt and into the desert.. and I thought, too, of all the times I complained to the Lord about the spiritual and emotional dryness in my life.

I do not particularly enjoy waiting. I have been used to getting results immediately. I get restless, I worry whenever things do not go the way I plan. Much like the stiff-necked people Moses led out into the desert, I tend to doubt. I easily take for granted all the blessings I have received. And while in my mind, I knew that the Lord would take care of me, my heart had problems with letting Him take charge of my life.

I pondered on today’s reflection.. and drew quiet comfort from it. The author, Charles Trumbull, wrote:

“I can be sure that part of God’s promised blessing to me is delay and suffering. The delay in Abraham’s lifetime that seemed to put God’s promise well beyond fulfillment was then followed by the seemingly unending delay experienced by Abraham’s descendants. But it was indeed only a delay - the promise was fulfilled, for ultimately they did ‘come out with great possessions.’

God is going to test me with delays, and along with the delays will come suffering. Yet through it all, God’s promise stands.”

I have been very impatient with myself lately. Because for quite a while now, I have been wrestling with my own brokenness. My praise is less spontaneous. I have had to really focus on thanking God for every blessing He has given me. Worship is now a determined and conscious effort.. not something that easily comes out of my lips, as before. I have prayed to God to change me.. to make me grow deeper in my relationship with Him. And then the desert-like dryness came.

I guess this means He really took my prayer seriously. For now, God is teaching me how to worship Him in the desert - to trust in His love and goodness in the midst of brokenness.. in the midst of nothingness. He is letting me know what it means to depend solely on Him. And whereas before, He let me feel the joy and pleasure in serving and praising Him, now the Lord is teaching me how to keep serving.. how to keep thanking and worshipping Him even when joy is so difficult to find.

Yes, I am growing. Slowly and a bit painfully.. but nevertheless, growing. And like God’s wandering people, I know that one day, He will fulfill His promise to me. I will come out of my desert with the greatest possession of all: a deep, unshakable, loving relationship with my God.

wounded healer

sunday used to be my favorite day of the week. i get to attend mass.. then go out with friends and family afterwards. i'd go around the mall, looking for stuff to buy or just to window shop. i can go home and relax.. no obligations to fulfill.. not much work to do. yes, i loved sundays.

but then, there came a time when i actually hated sundays. because every sunday, when i go around the mall, i'd see couples walking hand in hand.. giggling together.. leaning on each other's shoulders.. having the time of their lives. there's no escaping them. wherever i turn, i come face to face with people who look so in love. i envied them. and i did not like the bitterness i knew was creeping into my heart.

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a few weeks after i got my heart broken, a friend of mine came crying to me. her boyfriend left her for another girl. there was not much i could do but to listen and sympathize.. and thankfully, that seemed to help her a lot. a couple of days after, i found out that another one of my friends was in the same situation. and another. and another. and another. in about a month's time, i had at least five girl friends who were heart-broken, just like me. different circumstances. same hurts.

at the time my friends started confiding their love problems to me, i could not help saying to God, "Lord, bakit naman ganito? ang dami namang tulad ko. halos pare-pareho ang mga kwento namin. hindi ko naman alam kung ano'ng maitutulong ko sa kanila. sarili ko nga hindi ko pa maiayos.. paano pa akong makakatulong sa iba?" i did not understand how i could be of any help to my friends when i too was hurting, just like them.

then a familiar phrase came to mind: Wounded Healer. and i started to realize that sometimes, in order to heal ourselves, we need to reach out and help heal others first. we don't have to be in tip-top spiritual or emotional shape to offer help to a hurting soul. sometimes, what a wounded heart needs is another wounded heart.. one that understands the pain.. one that has cried the same tears.. one that has suffered the same blows.

and now i'm beginning to understand, too, how the Lord wants to work in me. He will not wave a magic wand and make all the pain go away. neither will He coddle and shield me from every hurt and suffering. instead, i believe He plans to heal my heart by sending me other hearts that are broken, too. so i can lend a listening ear.. give a comforting word.. offer a shoulder to cry on. maybe i can even cry along with the person. and strangely enough, it does seem to work. it is ironic how feeling the hurts of other people can help me deal with my own.

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Jesus. my Wounded Healer. He feels my pain. He knows my sorrow. He has gone through all my hurts, and a whole lot worse. He knows what it feels like to be heart-broken. He can empathize with me and my friends. with every one of us. Jesus knows exactly what it is i am going through. that single thought gives enough comfort, strength and encouragement.. to get through another day.. to see that life is beautiful.. and to try to be a wounded healer, myself.. just like Him.

prayer in silence

i drove around the campus today, after my morning class. i do that a lot.. when i need to think.. when i need to be by myself. as usual, the weather reflected my mood. it wasn't sunny; but it wasn't rainy either. the sky was downcast - as if it couldn't decide whether it should let the sun shine through, or open up to let the rain pour down. pretty much the way i felt.

anyway, after driving around for a while, i dropped by the adoration chapel. i don't usually do that; but today, i felt strangely drawn to the place. at first, i didn't want to go there - too many hurting memories to remember; and i wasn't sure just what to pray for. but the compulsion to visit the blessed sacrament was strong; and so eventually, i did go.

it's been a while since my last visit to the adoration chapel. as i knelt down to pray, there was one overpowering feeling inside me: awe. i felt myself trembling as i closed my eyes to pray. but my "prayer" today was different. in fact, i could not remember asking the Lord for anything. all i knew was that at the time, i felt He called me to come visit Him. and i did. and while i knelt before Him, i truly felt He was there.. enjoying my presence.. feeling my pain.. seeing my hidden hurts.. listening to my unspoken wishes. i did not have to say anything. i just knew that God already heard my prayer.. though i uttered no words.

God's love is truly awesome. not only is it unconditional.. it also is ever-present.. eternal.. and healing. it's the kind of love that does not wait for me to seek it. instead, it reaches out.. breaking down all barriers.. calling my name over and over until i cannot help but respond in turn. it is the love that makes me see the sunshine behind stormy clouds. the love that soothes. the love that heals. the love that changes me from inside out, bit by bit.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us." the Lord loves me! and i know someday, His love will teach me how to love Him back perfectly..

CHOICES

Today, I went out with my friends to gateway mall.. to unwind and to help keep my mind off sad events. It was past noon and we were quite hungry so we decided to go to the food express and eat lunch there. hmm. So many stalls to choose from.. so much food! Just picking out a counter to order from was quite a challenge..

Sometimes I wish the choices I have to make in life were as simple as choosing what food to eat or where to order from. Most of the time, of course, things are not that simple. There are so many things to consider: Is it right or wrong? Is it easy or difficult to do? Will other people be affected? Is it God's will or not?

Choosing between right and wrong. obviously, one should always do what is right. But it does not always happen. In Rom7:18-19, Paul says "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing." Why is it oftentimes more difficult.. more trying to do what is right? Because choosing to do what is right means battling our human nature. We are wired for self preservation - to avoid pain and suffering. We do not want to be inconvenienced; so we hesitate to do what is right. It is not a simple matter of following our brain.. it is, instead, "rewiring" or renewing our mind to be more like Christ's.

Then there's the matter of choosing among many good things. Bro Bo Sanchez always used to say this: "The enemy of the best is not the bad.. but the good." But how would one know which is the best? Like the various food choices at gateway.. how should I know which of those will satisfy me most.. or which is the most nutritious?

Knowing God's will. I admit it's something I'm struggling to learn right now. There are so many things happening in my life that I do not understand. Like heartache. Like grief. And sorrow. But there are also so many opportunities for growth.. so many lessons to learn. And I don't know which of these He wants me to pay the most attention to.

So many choices. I guess while there is life, there will always be choices to make. I'm just glad that in all my decision-making, I am not alone. He will always be there to guide.. and to catch me when I fall.

LIFE’S POP QUIZZES

today i gave my class a short quiz on inverse trigonometric functions. as expected, the announcement of a pop quiz was met with groans of dismay and lots of eyeball-rolling. not to mention the variety of on-the-spot reasons why we should not have the quiz today: hindi pa kami ready, ma'am.. or ma'am di ba kakatapos lang ng exam natin? or ma'am ang init dito sa classroom eh.. hindi conjucive sa pag-eexam.. etc. you get the picture. naturally, all their protestations did not change the fact that i was giving my pop quiz; so after a few more seconds of grumbling, my students grudgingly answered the items i wrote on the board.

there are times when my students' attitude towards learning bugs me. i mean, they do know they are expected to study for their exams. that's why they're at school, right? i should not have to remind them to do their assignments or advice them not to cram. they ought to be responsible enough to turn in their requirements on time and to copy notes from their classmates when they are absent.

i have to admit, though.. my students' attitude reminds me of my own. oh, i don't usually grumble and complain when i am given math problems to solve. i do gripe a lot, though, when faced with trials of a different sort. i do not enjoy being inconvenienced. i tend to make excuses when things start to become difficult. sometimes i blame other people when instead i should focus on my discipline and time management. i also get restless and impatient. it's funny how i get annoyed by my students' grumblings when i myself gripe and complain to the Lord whenever He is trying to teach me something important.

so this morning, when i realized how much i needed an attitude makeover, i sheepishly came to the Lord in prayer and said sorry. i mean, sure, i may be going through some tough times right now.. but in life, that's a given. that's what i'm here on earth for - to learn, to grow, to be more like Christ, and in the process, hopefully lead others to Him.

in short, i'm one of the many Christian-students in the Great Teacher's class.. and the trials i go through are some of His pop quizzes. being a teacher, i realize that tests - in the classroom or out - are not meaningless. i do not give exams to make my students' lives miserable. i need to give them tests so i will know which concepts are not clear to them.. so they will know which areas they need to improve on.. and so i will be able to explain certain ideas more clearly. and if my students are open to instruction, hopefully, they will learn from the quiz and be better prepared for the more difficult final exams.

i don't know how well i'm doing on the Lord's "pop quiz" right now.. but somehow i don't think my "score" is that important. because i have a feeling that He's pleased enough to see that i'm grumbling less and thanking Him more for His instruction. there will be more lessons ahead; and right now, i find that i am truly looking forward to learning them.