ZAHIR

“Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness."

-Faubourg Saint-Perez

i’m a bookworm. for as long as i can remember, i’ve always been extremely fond of reading. you can leave me in a corner with a really good book and i wouldn’t mind at all. i could spend the entire day locked up in my room with only a thick novel for a companion and i wouldn’t complain. yup. i’m a bookworm. in the truest sense of the word.

well, last week, a friend lent me her copy of paulo coelho’s book, “the zahir.” i have long been eyeing that book because i love coelho’s writing style. and since february is “the month of hearts” i told myself that reading a book on love would just be me keeping with the season.

so, i read “the zahir.” and just as in his previous books, coelho painted a very different picture of love. not the usual mushy, starry-eyed, sentimental and dreamy picture i’d find in most love stories. instead, i read about of love’s difficulty. of confusion.. of loss.. of searching.. of obsession.. of pain.. of inconsistency. in short, it was like reading about what i was experiencing.

a few days before (the dreaded) V-day, i prayed that the Lord give me strength to endure the occasion. i asked Him to refocus my heart and mind.. especially on *that* day.. so that i would have joy and peace. so that i’d spend my valentine’s day with Him in my heart. and He answered my prayer! He really did :-)

the day before feb14, i was almost done reading the book. and these lines really struck a chord:

"Although I know that I may have lost forever the woman I love, I must try to enjoy all the graces that God has given me today. Grace cannot be hoarded... If I do not make full use of these blessings, I will lose them forever.

God knows that we are all artists of life. One day, he gives us a hammer with which to make sculptures, another day he gives us brushes and paints with which to make a picture, or paper and a pencil to write with. But you cannot make a painting with a hammer, or a sculpture with a paintbrush. Therefore, however difficult it may be, I must accept today's small blessing, even if they seem like curses because I am suffering and it's a beautiful day... This is the only way I will manage to leave my pain behind and rebuild my life."

gratefulness for all His blessings. i suppose it was providential that my friend lent me her book just before valentine’s day. because through it, the Lord taught me how to rejoice.. even with a wounded heart. and He reminded me that i may find joy and peace not by vainly trying to ease my pains.. but by helping to soothe the pains of others. by sharing His love with them.

valentine’s day came and went. i had no date.. and no significant other. but that day, i thought i’d spread a little cheer to my other single girl-friends by getting them roses. and surprisingly, i received some, too! (got them from my ex.. but that’s another story, altogether, hehe) i guess what they say is true: the more love you give, the more love you receive.. :-)

gratefulness leads to joy. and rejoicing is our decision to make. i decided to be happy. and i was! i still am :-)

as for my zahir. hmmm. in spite of the muddled thoughts and conflicting emotions.. well, i thank the Lord, even for that. because hurts and pains are His blessings, too. they take me out of my comfort zone and allow me to see the world with new eyes. they close forbidden doors and show me new ones to explore. they make each day seem like an adventure with the Lord.

*contented sigh* this month of love, i thank God for everything that's happened to me. no regrets. none at all. thank You, Lord.. i wouldn't want to have lived my life any other way.. :-)

I, TOO, LEARN

While looking for stuff to include in this Newsletter’s Valentine issue, I came upon this poem in my organizer. I’ve had it for years; but now I read it with new eyes.. and with fresh understanding:

After a While

(Veronica Shoffstall)

After a while you learn the subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t always mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn

And you learn

With every goodbye you learn

It is the season of hearts once more. For “newly-singled” people like me, this occasion can be pretty hard to endure. Everywhere I turn, I see couples all mushy and sweet.. and mall decorations are filled with hearts of all colors. More than once, I thought of going into hibernation until Valentine’s Day is over. Thankfully, though, I didn’t.

Because Valentine’s Day isn’t simply a day for passion and romance. It isn’t just about flowers and chocolates and cheesy greeting cards. February 14, like the rest of the 364 (or 365) days, is a God-given opportunity to learn. About the meaning of true love. About the value of letting go. About acceptance. About the wisdom of moving on.

These past days, I learned that “newly-singled” doesn’t have to mean “lonely.” Not having a “significant other” is not the same as not having a “special someone.” Because no matter how many heartbreaks I go through, and no matter how many times I may have been forced to say (or hear) goodbye.. I know I will always have a Special Someone patiently waiting for me :-)

And He does give me strength. And He does see my worth. And He teaches me to love myself, the way He loves me. And most importantly, He makes me feel His ever-present love.. through His Word, and through loved ones :-)

Thank You Lord, for making everyday Valentine’s Day.. :-)

Life Goes On

“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.” (Robert Frost)

As I read these words by the famous poet, I realize that indeed, it is true. In spite of hardship, pain and suffering.. in spite of the many difficulties we undergo in our daily lives.. no matter how many trials come our way, life does go on.

At times, we go through something so heartbreaking.. so unexpectedly painful.. that time itself seems to stop. We start to doubt our ability to cope. Then we say to ourselves, “I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to go on. I just want everything to stop.. so I can get my bearings back.” But mercilessly, the world seems oblivious to our sorrow. All around, it is as if nothing happened. And we are left to deal with our hurts (not to mention the doubts and all the negative emotions) all by ourselves.

There is, however, blessing in solitude. Because when we are left with nothing but our true selves, that is when we realize our deepest needs and our greatest blessings. For we are never really all alone. Even when we think we carry our burdens by our lonesome, in reality, we ourselves are carried in the Lord’s arms. Whether we feel Him or not. He is always faithful to help us in our time of need. To hold us. To weep with us. To give His guidance. To love us.. through it all.

Indeed, life goes on. But it doesn’t mean that it stays the same. Neither does it mean that life leaves us standing in a corner, unchanged, as it swiftly passes by. We too, move on.

After we’ve cried our river of tears, God enables us to look back at our sorrowful experiences with wisdom and understanding. We come out changed - more compassionate, more trusting, more secure in His plan for our lives. And ironically, because we’ve experienced how it is to be weak and helpless, we become stronger.

Truly, after the storm comes the rainbow. Life goes on. And it doesn’t just go on.. it becomes more beautiful. Because He makes it so.. Ü

What’s in a Name

"what's in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet.." so shakespeare wrote in "romeo & juliet". hmm. there may be a grain of truth in this statement. but i can't say i fully agree with it..

for me, names are important. and by names, i mean not only our real names (the ones given to us by our parents at birth); but more importantly, our nicknames - the ones we choose for ourselves. what, indeed, is in a name?

* * *

1. giving a name to something gives you authority over it. read the Bible. in genesis, when God made man, He allowed him to name the animals (gen 2:19).. giving man authority over the other creatures. i guess by the same token, this is why our parents are the ones who give us our names at birth.

conversely, we find it hard to control something we cannot attach a name to. that is why we hear phrases like "nameless terror" or "faceless enemy" or even that famous harry potter villain, "he-who-must-not-be-named". being able to name and identify one's fear is already halfway through getting over it.

2. a person's name describes him. you can tell a lot about a person based on his names.

in the old testament are found dozens of names for God. since the people then were not allowed to say or even write “YAHWEH,” they came up with names for Him: Jehovah-Jireh (the God Who provides); El-Gabor (Mighty God), Jehovah-Rophe (the God Who heals) and others.

but this does not only apply to God. when you think about it, you can still find out a lot of info about a person just by analyzing his name. from one's real name, you can probably deduce something about his parents. is he a junior? the third? the fourth? hmm. maybe he comes from a proud family. is his name taken from the Bible? maybe his parents are God-fearing.

but there's more to discover from a person's nickname. what do his friends call him? is it a funny-sounding name? is there a story behind it? does he get irritated when friends call him such? what name does he want people to call him? just by answering these questions, one can find out a lot of things about a person.

3. a person's name links him to others. people do not have just *one* name. they are called various names.. depending on who they are with.

ever notice how, when you are newly acquainted with somebody, he will give you his formal name? then, as time goes by and you become closer to that person, you’d be allowed to call him by the ‘nickname’ his friends call him. of course, if eventually, you become *really close* to this person, then perhaps you’d have a special name for him.. and he would have a special name for you as well.

* * *

i have lots of names. my students call me "ma'am roxy" or "ma'am v". my parents call me "selle," and so do some of my other relatives. my ninang and two cousins call me "ten". some of my friends teasingly call me "selya" or “rosie.” some choirmates call me "rokel" while most others call me "rox".

so what's in a name? nothing and everything, at the same time. it can be as trivial or as priceless as you want it to be. it can say as much or as little about you as you wish. it can be meaningful or worthless.. depending on the value you place in it.

some time ago, i lost someone very dear to me. and along with the loss was the pain i felt for losing my “special name.” it hurt to think that from now on, i would never hear *that name* again. sure, call me overly sentimental.. but i felt really bad. i not only lost a loved one.. i literally lost a part of myself, too. i lost my favorite name.

but i find consolation in isa 49:16 “see, i have engraved your name in the palm of my hands..” the Lord has written *my name* in His hands! i may have lost a special name; but it gives me great relief to know that i will never be nameless. He will always know me.. He will always set me apart from all the rest.

so i may not have chosen my birth name. i may not “fit” the name my parents gave me (i *do not* look like a rose, haha). i may not be able to get back that special name that i lost ( though i’m still keeping and open mind and heart about that, hehe Ü) but i know that i can at least do my best to live up to the name the Lord bestowed on me - Roselle: Child of God.

we are all His children. let’s live up to our names. it’s the least we could do for Him :)

ants & chalklines

do you know how you can stop ants from coming into your house? all you have to do is to draw a chalkline at your doorstep (or wherever the ants usually enter) . they would not be able to cross the chalkline. oh.. and if you want to trap some ants (just for fun.. we tried it at school last year), just draw a box around them using chalk. you can watch them go around in circles inside the square you drew. they wouldn't be able to escape from the box.

it is amusing (in a semi-cruel sort of way, admittedly) to watch ants behave in such a manner. after all, it is just a chalkline. it's not as if there's any physical barrier that stops them from going where they are supposed to. a friend of mine said that the chalk deadens the ants' senses.. so in effect, they are not able to tell where they are going. they get lost.

sometimes i have to admit, i behave like those ants do. i get trapped in my own little box drawn with chalk lines. imprisoned by problems, worries, anxieties and all sorts of fears. paralyzed by uncertainty and doubt. caged in, not by metal bars or steel walls.. but by my own "chalk lines" - low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness, hopelessness and despair.

others may wonder what i could possibly worry about.. what burdens i could possibly have. and like my friends who watched the trapped ants, they scratch their heads.. unable to understand how anybody could be imprisoned in a cage drawn by chalk.

but like the ants, i know that these chalklines are about as real as steel cages. trapped inside, without a sense of direction, confused, afraid and utterly lost.. there simply is no way out. except for Someone to break the borders surrounding me.. and show me the way to freedom again.

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

nobody wants to be trapped. especially not in an "imaginary" cage that seems so real. but thank God that because He is Lord.. i don't have to be. neither do the ants :)

SHIFTING SANDS

“My faith is like shifting sand

Changed by every wave

My faith is like shifting sand

So I stand on grace”

So goes the chorus of Caedmon’s Call’s song, Shifting Sands. And it’s true. More than ten years in the community and still I feel that my faith has not firmly taken root. Every wave of trials threatens to wash away my faith. And every rush of negative emotion (sorrow, loneliness, depression, name it!) brought about by these trials erodes more of the already shaky sands underneath.

I am like a builder of sandcastles on a beach. I try my best to come up with a beautiful work of art - something I can be proud of, something I know other people can appreciate. But no matter how hard I try.. just as I start to think that “Hey, I’m doing it.. I’m finally getting there!”.. the waves come rushing in. Destroying what I’ve built. Not always to the point of being “unsalvagable” - but always marring what already seemed to be taking on a beautiful shape.

I used to ask myself why the Lord allows hurts and pains to ‘eat away’ at my faith. But maybe, as the song says, it’s all about grace. It is not about how strong my faith is, or how successful I have been walking the Christian walk. It is not about how close I am to fulfilling my goals, or how many lives I have touched, or how often I’ve stumbled and fallen. It is not about what I have done or failed to do. In the end, it is all about grace.

“Waters rose as my doubts reigned

My sand-castle faith it slipped away

Found myself standing on your grace

It'd been there all the time”

My faith may be like shifting sand. But though everything else may slip away, I know that because I stand on His grace, I need not be afraid of the waves :)