i m p E r F e c T

this weekend, i was able to watch several episodes of “monk.” the series is about this ex-detective who’s got excellent skills of deduction and who’s really great at solving mysteries. however, he’s also extremely OC (obsessive-compulsive). he’s afraid of human contact because he’s scared of germs. he cannot tolerate loud noises, public gatherings, heights and closed spaces. he needs everything to be in order.. and if things are not in their proper places, he panics and could not concentrate. his disorder prevents him from becoming that which he most wants to be: a reinstated police officer.

as i was watching the show, i remembered fr. mar’s homily. he said that Jesus was not able to perform as many miracles in his hometown as he did in the neighboring villages. it was not because Jesus did not have the power to do so. instead, the people’s lack of faith - in themselves, and in God’s abundant mercy and grace - stopped them from receiving His healing and His blessings. the people did not believe that they had greatness within them; so they refused to acknowledge greatness in others as well.

i have to admit.. when i heard fr. mar’s homily, i cringed and inwardly said “ouch!” because i know i myself have been guilty of such thoughts. like Jesus’ “kababayans” i would equate greatness with success. i put premium on perfection and order; so anything that rocks the boat upsets me. i’ve often been suspicious of new things.. new places.. and thus missed out on a lot of opportunities. my fears.. my low self-esteem.. my “disorders” prevented me from becoming that which i most want to be: a person with great faith in God.

but this morning, as i was driving to work, the words of an old favorite song suddenly popped into mind. it was strange.. ‘coz i have not heard that song for years.. and i haven’t been thinking about it. but the lyrics played on in my head; and i felt that the Lord was asking me to pay attention:

He looked through all my disguises / into my weakness and pride / He looked behind my pretenses / and into this heart that i hide / in His words were acceptance and healing / and a powerful feeling of hope / and right then and there, i knew He was love / and that’s all i needed to know

and after a long time of denying my sadness.. of forcing myself to be strong.. of hiding my disappointment with myself.. of not being able to cry.. i felt tears well up in my eyes. not tears of sadness.. but tears of gratitude. the realization was very clear: i am imperfect. and God loves me just the same.

i wanted everything to be orderly. i couldn’t stand it when things were not under my control. i was demanding perfection from myself and from my circumstances. but the Lord says “no.. you do not need to be perfect for Me to love you. there is beauty in imperfection. and in your weakness, My strength shines through even more.”

“...‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Cor 12:9

i do not know a lot of things. but this one thing i do know: Jesus is love. and that’s all i need to know ü

untitled?

“WHEN SORROW OVERWHELMS YOU, don’t let yourself be drowned. Swim for a while in tears, but remember to return to shore, ‘coz God will be there to wipe you dry. God loves you!”

i couldn’t help but smile when i received this text message from my friend this morning. as soon as i read it, i knew the quote was for me.

last week, my heart felt really heavy. i had some problems with my work and with my health. i also had a mini-falling out with my best friend. though these were not actually serious concerns, they troubled me immensely. i wasn’t able to eat nor sleep well. i could not even breathe properly.

i was trying so hard to maintain a pleasant disposition. in the process, however, i just ended up bottling all my frustration, doubts and fears within me. it even got to the point where i was no longer able to cry. on the outside, i appeared normal - sometimes even smiling or laughing. but deep inside, all the stress was taking its toll on me.

i was not sure what to do with myself. nothing i did could genuinely cheer me up. i tried to keep myself busy with work; but that exhausted me. i tried to give my all during services; but i found it difficult to focus my thoughts. i walked around the mall.. met up with old pals.. watched funny shows.. but the relief was temporary. to make matters worse, my trusted confidante (whom i usually turn to whenever i felt down) wasn’t replying to my messages. i was so frustrated that i had second thoughts serving at the GSS.

in spite of my mood, though, i still went to RFM last saturday. i sat there, listening to bro. obet talk about worship.. and how it is our response to God’s “worth-ship.” as he continued to share his insights.. and as he eventually led us into worship, i felt the weight in my heart lighten. suddenly, i realized that the words of the song were true:

“close to You is where i want to be / close to You is where i want to be / in Your presence, oh Lord / there is fullness of joy / in Your presence / i am restored”

i was restless and troubled because i was too intent on looking at my “mountains” of problems. i spent so much time “swimming in my (hidden) tears”.. that i forgot one obvious fact: i don’t need to stare at my mountains nor swim in my tears! what i needed was to be in His presence. what i needed was to go back to shore.. close to my Lord.. Who has always wiped away my tears and eased my burdens.

i looked to Him to restore me. and He did ü He showed me that my “mountains” were but molehills. He turned my tears into life-giving water ü He gave me rest. He gave me peace.

He must really love me ü and that’s why i’ll love Him back.. this time, with more smiles üüü