this weekend, i was able to watch several episodes of “monk.” the series is about this ex-detective who’s got excellent skills of deduction and who’s really great at solving mysteries. however, he’s also extremely OC (obsessive-compulsive). he’s afraid of human contact because he’s scared of germs. he cannot tolerate loud noises, public gatherings, heights and closed spaces. he needs everything to be in order.. and if things are not in their proper places, he panics and could not concentrate. his disorder prevents him from becoming that which he most wants to be: a reinstated police officer.
as i was watching the show, i remembered fr. mar’s homily. he said that Jesus was not able to perform as many miracles in his hometown as he did in the neighboring villages. it was not because Jesus did not have the power to do so. instead, the people’s lack of faith - in themselves, and in God’s abundant mercy and grace - stopped them from receiving His healing and His blessings. the people did not believe that they had greatness within them; so they refused to acknowledge greatness in others as well.
i have to admit.. when i heard fr. mar’s homily, i cringed and inwardly said “ouch!” because i know i myself have been guilty of such thoughts. like Jesus’ “kababayans” i would equate greatness with success. i put premium on perfection and order; so anything that rocks the boat upsets me. i’ve often been suspicious of new things.. new places.. and thus missed out on a lot of opportunities. my fears.. my low self-esteem.. my “disorders” prevented me from becoming that which i most want to be: a person with great faith in God.
but this morning, as i was driving to work, the words of an old favorite song suddenly popped into mind. it was strange.. ‘coz i have not heard that song for years.. and i haven’t been thinking about it. but the lyrics played on in my head; and i felt that the Lord was asking me to pay attention:
He looked through all my disguises / into my weakness and pride / He looked behind my pretenses / and into this heart that i hide / in His words were acceptance and healing / and a powerful feeling of hope / and right then and there, i knew He was love / and that’s all i needed to know
and after a long time of denying my sadness.. of forcing myself to be strong.. of hiding my disappointment with myself.. of not being able to cry.. i felt tears well up in my eyes. not tears of sadness.. but tears of gratitude. the realization was very clear: i am imperfect. and God loves me just the same.
i wanted everything to be orderly. i couldn’t stand it when things were not under my control. i was demanding perfection from myself and from my circumstances. but the Lord says “no.. you do not need to be perfect for Me to love you. there is beauty in imperfection. and in your weakness, My strength shines through even more.”
“...‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Cor 12:9
i do not know a lot of things. but this one thing i do know: Jesus is love. and that’s all i need to know ü
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