when i heard bro obet cabrillas sing these lines last saturday at the recommitment seminar, i tried my best to stop my tears from falling. but i couldn’t. i couldn’t explain why i felt the way i did then. even if it was my favorite song. bro obet confirmed what i already knew: God really prepared my heart to hear His Word last saturday.
i have been in rivers for more than a decade. i’ve been singing for the Lord for almost 12 years. in all this time, i have gone through so many changes - in the way i deal with people, in my worship, in how i know myself and in my relationship with God.
when i was new in the community, i was *sure* of what i wanted to do. i wanted to sing. i wanted to worship. i was eager to attend every worship seminar the community had to offer. I was *sure* that God came first in everything i thought and did. i was zealous in my service. i read my bible daily and prayed for hours on end. i wrote in my devotional diary every chance i get; and i only listened to praise & worship songs. my first four years in rivers were really full of spiritually high moments.
then disillusionment came. hindi pala perpekto ang community na nasalihan ko. hindi pala lahat ng mga kasama ko ay madaling mahalin. at hindi pala lahat ng mga iniisip kong kaibigan ko ay nagmamahal sa akin. it became much more difficult to serve. attending the various activities became a burden to me. i spent most of my prayer time grumbling to God about my hurts. my diary entries dwindled. and the worship songs i loved to listen to before.. they just didn’t seem to inspire me as much anymore. my heart no longer seemed to burn with love for God.
i learned to hate myself. i hated the person i’ve become - bitter, discouraged, frustrated, cynical and angry. the person i thought i was when i first encountered the Lord seemed to be a figment of my imagination. i told myself, hindi pala ako mabait. hindi pala ako tunay na nagmamahal. at hindi pala ako madaling mahalin. and i hid from Him. out of shame.. out of resentment.. out of confusion.. and out of hopelessness. i was a big disappointment.
i continued to fulfill my commitments to my ministry and to the community. i *forced* myself to stay, because i knew if i stopped serving, i may never return. and all that time, there was an emptiness in my heart that just wouldn’t go away. until this weekend.
saturday afternoon, bro arun discussed with us a piece called “our greatest fear”.. and it really hit me hard. part of it says,
we ask ourselves, ‘who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god!
and my heart suddenly understood. it was fear that held me back all these years. fear of failure. fear of rejection. fear of disappointment. fear of getting hurt. i thought myself beyond saving.. and i was terrified to put my hope in a God that i’ve hurt and disappointed so. my heart could not bear to be rejected again.
but as i opened myself up to His Word, the Lord made *one thing* very clear. *He would never reject me* He loves me. in spite of my shortcomings. in spite of how i see myself. in spite of what i think i have become. i saw myself as someone beyond repair and beyond help. yet He looks at me and sees one whose heart used to burn with fervent love for Him. more than that, He sees me as the child He’s slowly making perfect :)
as i prayed, God graciously allowed me to see myself with His eyes. and He sees me as truly beautiful. and i could not help but agree :) i *am* beautiful. not because of who i am. but because of Who made me. He is beautiful.. therefore, so am i.
it is true. His love does set us free. His love drives away all fear. His love gives us hope. and in the fact of such awesome love, we cannot help but truly worship:
“o diyos, o panginoon / lahat ng biyayang aming inampon / aming buhay at kakayahan / ito'y para lamang sa iyong kaluwalhatian”
i’m committed to serve once more. this time, with overflowing love and gratitude. because He loves me :)
No comments:
Post a Comment