way back into love

“the christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us..” (c.s. lewis)

one time, i told a sister in the community, “mag-contribute ka naman ng article sa newsletter natin.. tamang-tama, alam kong may maise-share ka ngayon” and she replied, “naku, hindi ko talent ‘yang pagsulat! nakakahiya naman. hindi ako magaling dyan” so i told her, “ok lang ‘yan. kahit tagalog/taglish; basta masabi mo ‘yung gusto mong i-share. ‘yung laman naman ang importante dun di ba?” so she wrote an article.. we did some minor editing.. and her sharing was printed in the next issue. now she contributes to the newsletter more regularly ü

i noticed that a lot of people (myself included) think the same way. we’re so afraid of not being good enough that we end up not doing anything at all. hindi maganda ang boses ko kaya hindi na lang ako kakanta sa worship. matigas ang katawan ko; nakakahiya namang makisayaw sa congregation. bagong member pa lang naman ako; wala pa akong mako-contribute na suggestion sa meeting. masyadong maliit naman itong pera ko; next time na lang ako maghuhulog sa collection box. the list of our excuses goes on and on.

last wednesday, for example. i had second thoughts going to megamall. i was hot, tired and feeling cranky because of a splitting headache. i wasn’t “in the mood” to sing. i definitely didn’t feel inspired or “holy.”

but i was assigned to sing; so i did. my headache and exhaustion got in the way, though.. so i started off doing things mechanically. i’d force myself to smile.. to dance along.. to clap my hands. i was thinking, “ka-plastic-an ba ‘tong ginagawa ko? hindi ko naman ‘feel’ mag-worship ngayon.. dapat ko pa bang ituloy ‘to?”

as the prayer leaders led us into worship, though, the heaviness in me started to lift. the tiredness left me and it became easier to smile, to dance, to clap and to raise my hands ü soon, i didn’t have to condition myself to worship - i already felt in the mood for it!

i learned an important lesson, then. the best gift we can offer to God is who we are, right now - frailties and all. because oftentimes, it is not perfection that He asks from us, but the simple act of offering itself.

at this moment, i am still so far from being Christ-like. i am not a perfect lover. there are so many things i have yet to learn about loving others.. about loving Him. but the best way back into love is to just love. to keep practicing it even when it’s difficult.. even when it hurts.. even when it doesn’t make much sense to do so anymore. because that’s what i’m called to do. because that’s the only way i will ever learn to love perfectly. and because loving imperfectly is still better than not loving at all ü

keep on walking, brothers and sisters! His love will see you through.. ü