warrior is a child

people say that i’m amazing, i’m strong beyond my years. but they don’t see inside of me, i’m hiding all these tears..

sis yna led the afternoon worship on the second day of the leaders’ retreat last weekend. and one of the songs in her lineup was “warrior is a child” by gary v. when i learned that she would be using the song, i knew immediately that the lord was going to make me experience something special in our retreat. and i got that odd feeling in the pit of my stomach - the kind you get when you’re nervous and excited and you’re expecting something to happen but you’re dreading it at the same time.

you see, this particular song is special to me. because during my early years in the renewal, that’s the song i’d always sing or meditate on when i pray. it was like my “theme song” with god. because in spite of the facade of maturity and toughness that i put on when i’m with my peers, deep inside, i’ve always known that i am simply a child before him.

but time went by.. and a lot of things have happened to me. i became involved in many, many activities, both professionally and in ministry service. i lost friends and gained new ones. i learned that trust is easily broken and very difficult to regain. and i traded my idealism for cynicism.. steadfast faith for apathy. all this.. while i continued to serve in the community.

so it was with some trepidation that i listened to *that* song again. i was fully aware of how far i’d come from “my old self.” and i wasn’t sure i wanted to remember “the old times” i had with god. i’ve changed so much through the years - i didn’t feel like a trusting, loving child at all. i felt more like a rebellious adolescent who refuses to let anyone in.

but i guess, deep inside, i always knew the truth: no matter how many times i turn away.. or how many times i tell myself that apathy is the solution to my pain, i would *always* come running back home to him.

they don’t know that i come running home when i fall down. they don’t know who picks me up when no one is around. i drop my sword and cry for just a while. ‘coz deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child..

i thank god that he still moves mountains in my life :) and i’m grateful that, in spite of the walls i’ve put up and the defensive armor i’ve worn to keep myself from getting hurt, he’s still able to get through to me.

and now i’m ready to let him love me again. the warrior is a child once more :)

sa paglilingkod may saya

panginoon ituro mo ang landas ng pagmamahal
maging bukas ang palad sa pagtulong sa kapwa ko
turuan mong sarili ko’y ialay para sa ‘yo
tulungan mong maglingkod sa ‘yo
hirap ma’y danasin ko
sapagka’t tanging sa kapwa lang makikita’ng
pag-ibig mo
at sa paglilingkod may saya sa puso ko

22 abril 2008. makabuluhan ang araw na ito para sa 93 na mga mag-aaral na magsisipagtapos mamayang hapon. kaninang umaga, ginanap ang kanilang baccalaureate ceremonies sa paaralan.

alas sais nang umaga, nasa paaralan na sila. nagkukuwentuhan, nagkakatuwaan at siyempre, nagkokodakan ü ang mga estudyante kong laging nahuhuli sa alas-otso na klase nila sa matematika, hayun.. nauna pa sa aking dumating sa kampus ü

ako naman, gumising nang alas kwatro y media. nagmadaling maligo, magpaganda (haha.. kailangan eh :p) at mag-ayos ng sarili. dala-dala ko ang camera, ang recorder, mga lyric sheet at mga kopya ng babasahin bagamat kulang sa tulog, di pa kumakain ng agahan at maraming kailangang asikasuhin, masaya kong binati ang mga bata. dahil alam kong minsan lamang sa buhay nila magaganap ang ganitong okasyon. at ako naman, na di lamang kanilang guro kundi kaibigan na rin, ay nakikiisa sa kanilang kagalakan ü

inaamin ko, hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay madali para sa akin ang maging masaya. madalas, lalung-lalo na ngayong summer na napakaraming mga gawaing naghihintay na mapagtuunan ng pansin. kadalasan ay ‘di ko na nakukuhang ngumiti; minsan nga ay nasusungitan ko ang ilang mga kasama ko - sa trabaho, at pati na rin sa community.

ngunit ngayong umaga, nagpapasalamat ako sa panginoon dahil pinadama ulit niya sa akin ang kasiyahang bunga ng paglilingkod. naniniwala akong hindi lamang sa simbahan at sa community maisasagawa ang paninilbihan sa kanya. sa ating mga opisina.. sa ating mga pamilya.. at sa lahat ng mga taong ating nakakasalamuha.. tayo ay maaaring maglingkod sa kanya ü

maraming salamat, panginoon, dahil ipinakita mo sa akin ang iyong pagmamahal sa ngiti at nagniningning na mata ng mga taong pinagsisilbihan ko. tunay ngang sa paglilingkod ay may saya.. basta’t narito ka sa puso ko ü