warrior is a child

people say that i’m amazing, i’m strong beyond my years. but they don’t see inside of me, i’m hiding all these tears..

sis yna led the afternoon worship on the second day of the leaders’ retreat last weekend. and one of the songs in her lineup was “warrior is a child” by gary v. when i learned that she would be using the song, i knew immediately that the lord was going to make me experience something special in our retreat. and i got that odd feeling in the pit of my stomach - the kind you get when you’re nervous and excited and you’re expecting something to happen but you’re dreading it at the same time.

you see, this particular song is special to me. because during my early years in the renewal, that’s the song i’d always sing or meditate on when i pray. it was like my “theme song” with god. because in spite of the facade of maturity and toughness that i put on when i’m with my peers, deep inside, i’ve always known that i am simply a child before him.

but time went by.. and a lot of things have happened to me. i became involved in many, many activities, both professionally and in ministry service. i lost friends and gained new ones. i learned that trust is easily broken and very difficult to regain. and i traded my idealism for cynicism.. steadfast faith for apathy. all this.. while i continued to serve in the community.

so it was with some trepidation that i listened to *that* song again. i was fully aware of how far i’d come from “my old self.” and i wasn’t sure i wanted to remember “the old times” i had with god. i’ve changed so much through the years - i didn’t feel like a trusting, loving child at all. i felt more like a rebellious adolescent who refuses to let anyone in.

but i guess, deep inside, i always knew the truth: no matter how many times i turn away.. or how many times i tell myself that apathy is the solution to my pain, i would *always* come running back home to him.

they don’t know that i come running home when i fall down. they don’t know who picks me up when no one is around. i drop my sword and cry for just a while. ‘coz deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child..

i thank god that he still moves mountains in my life :) and i’m grateful that, in spite of the walls i’ve put up and the defensive armor i’ve worn to keep myself from getting hurt, he’s still able to get through to me.

and now i’m ready to let him love me again. the warrior is a child once more :)