LIFE’S BROWNOUTS

last saturday i went to the most memorable debut i've ever attended: my cousin's 18th birthday party. now, i've never considered myself a party person. social gatherings are not exactly my forte. but i really looked forward to this occasion because i knew how much preparation went into it.

my cousin, along with her parents and siblings, planned the event months beforehand. being the ever-meticulous person that she is, my cousin truly spent time agonizing over every detail of her debut - from the souvenirs and program to the decorations and her attire. she even made a list of all the songs she wanted to be played during the dance.. each song specially chosen to fit the guy she would be dancing with. nothing was left to chance.

so i went to my cousin's debut filled with anticipation. i wondered what she would wear, which decorations she chose, what kind of menu she selected, etc. the venue was great, and so were the decors - the place looked very festive and cheerful. the room was comfortably cool, and everything was set up according to plan.

then, just as we were about to settle down.. just as the program was about to begin.. the power went out! at first, everyone thought it was staged. but long minutes went by and still nothing happened. no lights. no air conditioning. nothing but darkness. in fact, for hours, we had no electricity. we had no lights save for the tea candles set up in each table.

i thought to myself, “this party will be a total disaster. kawawa naman ang pinsan ko..” i could not imagine how the occasion could turn out fine. the evening progressed and still no electricity. the program continued; but not as originally planned, of course. there were no flashy powerpoint presentations, no music from the karaoke unit. it was still hot inside the venue and we could hardly see each other. but surprisingly, everyone was attentive to the program. the people were listening to the testimonials of my cousin’s friends. and in spite of the heat and the lack of light.. everyone was in a good mood! people were laughing, exchanging jokes, and having fun. instead of simply watching the program, people were actually participating.. being part of the occasion. my cousin's theater friends, far from being bored, contributed to the jolly mood of the program by coming up with spontaneous song, dance and acting numbers. the party lasted for hours, but we were all entertained and quite happy Ü (a far cry from the people in the adjoining room - they were also having a debut at the same venue; but the mood there was really somber, and they didn't continue with their program anymore) i’m sure my cousin’s debut will be much-talked about by every one of the attendees – and not in a bad way! Ü

the 'fiasco' at my cousin's birthday celebration taught me an important lesson. we cannot expect everything in life to turn out the way we want. we can do our best.. prepare for everything.. and still, at times, for reasons we cannot explain, things get out of hand. and if we base our joy on our expected circumstances, we will be severely disappointed.

of course, it is but natural for us to gripe and complain when we do not get what we worked so hard to achieve. like the people in the other room, we can vent out our frustration to no end.. see only the unfulfilled plans and remain oblivious to what can still be done about the situation. in the end, though, all the griping and ranting will not improve our situation.. will not help others feel better.. will not turn us into better, more grateful persons.

once we look beyond our disappointment, though.. and once we turn to the Lord with expectant faith.. we may see that things are not as bleak as we originally thought they were. in fact, we may find that He needed to make changes in our original plans.. 'mess things up' a little.. introduce a bit of 'darkness'.. so that things will eventually turn out better. so that we may turn out to be better persons. in the end, i guess we all need "brownouts" in our lives so that God's great work may shine all the more brightly Ü

grey

It happened again. I barely slept last night. I tossed and turned in my bed, but sleep eluded me.

Morning. I looked out my window to see the sunlight greet me. Hmm. Maybe I'll feel better today, I thought to myself. Maybe I'd have something to smile about... something to cheer me up. Maybe I can shake off this mood... think happy, colorful thoughts. Maybe the sun can warm my heart and remove this heavy feeling I have inside of me.

But only a couple of minutes passed... and the skies grew dark - a gloomy GREY. And I couldn’t help but remember what I usually tell my friends: it usually rains when I am sad. Sure enough, after a short while, big, heavy drops of rain started to fall. This was not the comforting kind of rain that I found solace in. It was not the kind of ran that caressed my face. It did not keep me company and let me know I wasn’t alone.

Instead, it was as if all the turbulence and sadness I felt were mirrored in the weather. The dark, grey clouds reflected the gloom and sorrow I could not shake off. The strong winds howled out the frustration and emptiness I felt. And the rain. The rain cried out the tears I could not shed. Starting out with soft, hesitant drops... building up to a torrent that washed away everything in its path... not caring who or what was there... then slowly abating until there is only a tired, uneasy silence.

It rained all day. The sun was hidden somewhere in the grey skies. Everything was cold and damp. There were no happy, colorful thoughts in my mind. There were no comforting words to hear. Joy and peace, like sleep, eluded me.

And yet... a few lines of melody kept me company throughout the day. Unbidden and pervasive as my gloom... words I could not shake off:

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm. Father You are King over the flood... I will be still and know You are God..."

The rain may not have brought me comfort nor peace today. But these few lines of verse were enough to give me strength to get by.

Will it rain tomorrow? Perhaps it will. It does not matter so much to me anymore, I guess. Be it my rain-friend or my storm-mirror that comes to greet me tomorrow, I know there will always be a melody to keep me company... to help me get through the day.

DELTA X

Dx (read : "delta x") defined in mathematics as the incremental change in the value of x

when i was studying introductory calculus in my college days, i couldn't help but be fascinated by the concept of "rates of change." it was interesting for me to graph all sorts of curves.. to observe how the small changes in x values result in corresponding changes in the y values.. uhm, ok, enough math talk for now Ü

but come to think of it, i'm not alone in my fascination. of course, not everyone would make the mathematical connection.. but a lot of people do know the importance and significance of change. careers have been built up and destroyed.. lives have been converted.. wars have been fought.. all because of this thing we call change.

what's all the fuss about change, anyway? after all, we know it happens to everyone. nothing in this world ever stays the same. businesses flourish then go bankrupt. friends come and go. people live their lives on earth then move on to the next life. change is the one of those things that is bound to happen to all of us. so why is it so difficult to accept at times?

a lot of changes are happening in my life right now. some of them are minor.. some are major. some are welcome.. some are not. and then there are those that behave like my mathematical ?x: incremental changes that creep up slowly, unnoticed. one minute, i'm happy and full of peace.. and then next, BOOM! i get caught unprepared. the realization is so sudden it takes me completely by surprise.. and i get totally disoriented. i mean, sure.. my surroundings look the same.. but they don't feel the same to me anymore. i find myself in a state.. in a situation i never wanted to be in. i am out of my comfort zone.

yet it is during such times that the Lord makes me feel His grace and presence all the more. in the midst of uncertainty, fear and doubt, He gives comfort and assurance. in times of unbearable sorrow, He makes His love known through friends, loved ones and His Word. and in the dark night of the soul.. where no one else sees.. the Lord speaks. and when He speaks, He effects change. not a sudden, abrupt or magnificent change. but a Dx kind of change: incremental.. slow but steady.. unnoticed at the micro-level, but clearly seen when you look at the big picture. indeed, bit by bit, He is changing me.

change. a small word with life-changing consequences. one of the most difficult things to deal with. but now i know that with God, i don't have to be afraid of change. i don't have to struggle so much to find my way through unfamiliar territory. because though everything around me may change, one thing never will: His love for me.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9

rain-lover

today i woke up feeling drained. i haven't even started my day and already, i felt so tired. i was in a glum mood and didn't feel like talking to anybody. which was quite ironic because i knew that deep inside, all i really wanted was to have somebody to talk to. someone who would keep me company. someone who would be willing to listen to me rant. someone i can lean my head on.. and probably cry my heart out to. unfortunately, i didn't have that someone. i don't have that somebody. not anymore, at least.. or rather.. not *yet*..

this morning i kept praying for the rain to come. i know a lot of people love sunny weather; but as for me, there's nothing like a good rainfall to brighten my day. each time i see the skies turn grey, my heart does a little flip-flop. it is as if my spirit's thirst is quenched everytime the rain falls. and God knows how dry my spirit felt this morning.

hours passed and still no rain. nevertheless, i found some comfort from the very timely text message i received from my friend lilian Ü feeling a bit cheered, i was able to survive my morning without much incident.

by noon, i had forgotten all about my morning rain prayer. then, just as i came to my class at around 1pm, it rained! a good, solid outpouring of rain Ü just looking out at the grey curtain of water that appeared so suddenly.. drenching the ground.. well, it made me break out into a huge smile Ü

there's no need to say it, but i'll state the obvious, anyway: i love the rain. i also love the feeling i get whenever my "rain-requests" are granted. but i guess more than anything, i love the Rain-maker.. and it feels great to know that He's listening to me.. letting me know that He answers even the simplest prayers or a rain-lover like me Ü

TREASURES

"..you are more precious than silver.. you are more costly than gold.. you are more beautiful than diamonds.. and nothing i desire compares with you.." these are words from one of my favorite worship songs. it speaks about God's worthiness.. His incomparable value.. our one true Treasure. it's a wonderful love song to sing to God.. but it is even more wonderful to hear it sung back to me by the Lord..

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my treasure box is small - just about the size of a regular shoe box. it isn't glitzy, it isn't heavy. it isn't even locked. but my treasure box is the most important item in my room. what does it contain? hmm.. a small picture frame, an old candy wrapper, 4-year old pictures, a crushed flower, a small figurine, 2 diaries, music CDs, tiny books, silver rings, parking receipts, movie tickets, cards, a 3D dinosaur puzzle, a cassette tape letter, a circuit board and letters. my treasure box holds nothing that costs much. but all its contents are priceless. i would not trade any them for a million bucks.

what makes an item valuable? i thought about this as i was looking through my treasure box. i stare at the crumpled and worn parking receipts and wonder why i am so attached to them. yet as i look at the various knickknacks in front of me, i immediately know why i've kept these odds and ends all these years: they are valuable because the person who gave them is special to me. they are my treasures because they hold a special place in my heart. the contents of my treasure box are priceless because i choose to make them so.

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i am like one of the parking receipts in my treasure box - worn, ordinary and sometimes even crumpled and dirty. i do not have millions, nor do i have any extraordinary beauty. i possess no unique skill or talent, and i am not exactly the best at anything at the moment. nevertheless, i know that i am a treasure - His treasure. i don't know what He sees in me.. and until now it is hard to comprehend His unconditional and unfailing love. but He whispers, "you are priceless because I choose to make you so. you are my treasure, you hold a special place in my heart. you have value because of Me.."

i have never thought of myself as being "more precious than silver".. but perhaps bit by bit, the Lord is teaching me, not only to make this my love song to Him, but to accept it as His love song to me.. Ü

amazing grace

going to Rivers' open retreat today was not exactly part of my agenda for the weekend. i had originally planned to spend my saturday at home - catching up on my reading, doing the crossword puzzles, watching spongebob (hehe one of my many quirks), surfing the net and playing pc games. but though i did not really count on attending the retreat, i found myself at the RFM auditorium at 8.30am.. listening to bro. arun gogna share his insights on God's love.

i've attended countless retreats and recollections. in my more than 10 years in the community, i've heard hundreds of talks and teachings about God's love. i've read books, i've heard testimonies, i've even shared some of my experiences with some of my brothers and sisters in the community. but after attending the open retreat, i realized that the Lord is not yet finished introducing Himself to me. i will always find out something new about Him.. about His relationship with me.

when i was new in the community, i was zealous in my service. i was on fire for the Lord. i was joyful.. always basking in His presence. i was certain of His love for me.. and i knew that nothing could get in the way of my loving Him back. but as time passed, and i experienced various trials, disappointments, frustrations and failures.. as the seasons of spiritual dryness and burnout came.. i started doubting the reality of my being God's child. 10 years ago i knew in my heart and in my mind that i was special to the Lord. but now.. after undergoing so many tests, and after failing and falling so many times, in spite of the fact that i belonged in a Christian community.. i just was not sure if i was worthy to be called His daughter.

and then.. the Lord spoke to me. not through a disembodied voice.. but He told me what He wanted me to hear through bro. arun gogna and fr. bobby titco. God talked to me during the retreat. His message to me was simple: I LOVE YOU. i love you not because of what you do for Me.. not because of who you or others think you are. i love you. period. no conditions necessary. no questions asked.

my heart was struggling all throughout the retreat. i clung to God's message to me.. and yet at the same time i was afraid. i never realized how scary it was to be loved unconditionally. to be loved in spite of who i was. it was so mind-boggling to know, deep in my heart, that He has been aware of all my sins even before i was born.. and yet was willing to give up His only Son for me. specially for me. and i realized that God was telling me that i should learn to accept myself, too. that i should learn to love myself.. the way He loves me.

God's love. it is so unfathomable. so wondrous. so beautiful. it is the kind of love that cleanses and purifies. but it isn't simply a "feel good" kind of love that makes you feel giddy all over. it is the kind that effects change in you - slowly but surely. the stubborn kind of love that simply would not let go. the kind of love that is pervasive.. that makes you see yourself for who you really are: sinful yet forgiven; deficient yet blessed; weak yet able. LOVED tremendously.

nothing says it better than the song fr. bobby asked all of us to sing:

amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

i once was lost but now i'm found

was blind but now i see

t'was grace that taught my heart to fear

and grace my fears relieved

how precious did that grace appear

the hour i first believed

through many trials, storms and snares

i have already come

t'was grace that brought me safe thus far

and grace will lead me home..

this is MY song now. i am accepted for who i am. i am loved unconditionally.. immensely. and because He has loved me first.. i cannot help but love Him too. Ü