On Waiting

today is the first sunday of advent. the christmas season is here! honestly, though, i'm not all that excited about christmas this year. it's practically december and i haven't even started with my gift-giving list.

maybe it isn't just me. have you noticed that there are fewer lights to be found decorating the malls and the streets? you don't hear that many christmas carols being played on the radio either. not much christmas-themed tv shows, too. times are hard. money is so much harder to come by these days, so i suppose people are not very enthusiastic about celebrating christmas the usual way.

but though i am not excited about celebrating christmas, i have to admit that i am looking forward to the christmas season. it was a realization that came to me only today, as i listened to fr. mar's homily about the importance of advent.. of waiting, preparing, and being watchful.

this has been a very significant year for me. i can say that i have undergone more changes this 2005 than in the past four years. i've experienced great personal losses. i have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil. there was fear, confusion, heartbreak and doubt. but this year, too, i've experienced more of God's presence. i've felt His comfort, His mercy, His understanding and unconditional love. i've spent more time conversing with the Lord - pouring out my heart and then learning to quietly wait for His message to me. yes, i have had a lot of troubles this year. but the Lord has used them all to open my eyes to the reality of His wisdom, power and guidance.

as christmas draws near, i realize that the Lord has a challenge for me: with all the gifts He has given to me, what gift will i give Him in return? what would i be willing to do for the One who gave up everything just to save me? will the Lord find me waiting, ready to surrender everything to Him.. eager to let Him work in my life? when He looks into my heart, will He find a place especially prepared.. ready to enthrone Him as King? hmm. as of now, i don't know. but if there is anything i found out today, the lesson of advent is one of the most important ones i need to learn. wait expectantly. be prepared. be watchful.

as bishop martirez said in the gss mass, today is the start of a new year for the church. time to reflect on the year that was. time to ponder on our relationship with God. time to prepare ourselves for His coming. a time for new hope.. and for new beginnings. it's never too early to prepare for the Lord. i only hope when His birthday comes, i would have been able to offer God that which would delight Him.

THANKFULNESS

today i was surfing the net, and i came upon this very timely poem:

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don't already have

everything you desire,

If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something

For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.

During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations

Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge

Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary

Because it means you've made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are

also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles

and they can become your blessings.

like most people, i have always thanked the Lord for the many blessings He showered me with: a loving family, caring friends, a community to belong in, good health, etc. but after reading the lines of the poem, i realized that there still are a lot of things i have not thanked God for. like my personal trials. like moments of loneliness. of feeling rejected.

pain and sadness can sometimes blind the heart to the countless blessings it daily receives. in my case, because of the heartaches i went through the past months, i wanted comfort. i wanted relief. i looked for affirmation from others. thankfulness and gratitude were definitely not the foremost things on my mind.

1 thess 5:18 said, “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” at first, i did not understand. how could i be thankful when i certainly don’t feel very blessed?! then it dawned on me: i got it all backwards! i did not feel blessed because i was not being thankful!

it is all a matter of perspective. i realized that when i consciously make myself more aware of God’s blessings, i start to feel better. all of a sudden, i am able to smile more, and the world takes on a brighter hue Ü

this quote rings so true: "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie ~

a thankful heart. one of the most precious gifts the Lord can give to someone who’s broken. someone like me. and i’m glad He chose this special month of Thanksgiving to open my eyes to the many hidden blessings in my life Ü Thank You, Lord. Thank You.. Ü

THE GOD OF POST-ITS

i love collecting stationery items. all my friends can attest to this fact. whenever i go to book shops or department store, i'd always find time to browse through the stationery section. i have a collection of note pads (from the cartoony to the simply elegant), pens (metallic, gel, pastel, scented.. you name it!), scissors (tiny, large, artsy, weird, etc), and yes, even paper clips! call me nuts.. but i just loooove getting these items for my collection Ü

among these stationery stuff, i'm especially fond of my sticky note collection Ü as you can imagine, i have a bunch of them - all sorts of colors, shapes and sizes. most are small, (due to my tiiiny handwriting) though i buy larger ones if they are interesting enough (i have one that looks like a graphing paper, with the words "i hate math" written on the bottom left corner. that's my favorite, hehe) what's my fixation on these self-adhesive paper? well, let me tell you why i love post it..

* it is sticky! duh?! obviously. you can't "post it" if it doesn't stick! haha. anyway, i like to bring sticky notes because i can post a short reminder/greeting almost anywhere i wish to. no corkboards, adhesive tapes, or pushpins necessary. just write and stick. perfect Ü

* i can bring it everywhere. it's there when i need it and fits perfectly into my planner. no matter how small my bag is, it always has enough room for sticky notes - especially the small ones.

* it adds color to life. literally. i make it a habit to bring along various colors of sticky notes. that way, i can either (a) color-code my reminders, depending on the contents (i.e., blue for choir reminders, orange for school-related matters, etc); (b) choose which color to use, based on my mood; or (c) just make my planner more attractive. ok fine.. call me weird or OC.. but my sticky notes add a bit more whimsy and fun to my otherwise "blah" existence, hehehe Ü

* it reminds me of the important things in life. if you look at my planner, you'll find the usual schedules written on the available squares. but all the important stuff - from special reminders, to meaningful quotes, song lyrics, inspiring poems and the like - are written down on my sticky notes. so that they are set apart from the usual entries. so i will always pay special attention to them. and so that i can transfer them easily to my new planner when the new year comes Ü

my God is a lot like my sticky notes. He sticks to me through thick or thin.. in times of joy, and in times of great sorrow. He goes with me wherever i go - and i mean everywhere! when i'm at school.. or church.. or just walking around.. His presence is always there. He also lets me experience the many colors of life - from drab greys to bright, sunny yellows.. from dark, gloomy black to clean, pure white. no matter what "color" my days are.. and through all of life's twists and turns.. He's always been there to remind me of the most important things. His guidance. His assurance. His mercy. His grace. His love Ü

yup. it's no wonder i love sticky notes. the Lord probably made me a "post it" person.. so that i'd always remember His love for me Ü

Boo!

it's the 31st of october. 9pm. halloween. hmm. feels much like any other night. so far, i haven't seen any monsters, ghosts or creepy creatures - real or costumed. i have not heard any devilish howling nor felt anything downright scary today. nope. this has been another one of those boring, ordinary days. (haha. as simple plan sang so aptly, "welcome to my life.")

anyway, i've never been one to be fascinated with ghosts and the like. some of my friends have what they call the "third eye" - they claim to sense spirits and other "earthbound" souls. thankfully, i don't have that kind of uh.. 'talent' so to speak. quite frankly, i can't imagine why anyone would call having that ability a 'gift'. it must feel really creepy. like something straight out of "sixth sense"..

i am, however, very much acquainted with fear. a lot of things scare me. some are quite trivial. like cockroaches, closed spaces and heights, to name a few.

some of my fears, though, are not-so-trivial. like losing a loved one.. not being good enough.. finding that i've become of no use to anyone.. becoming nameless/faceless.. or never having anyone to lean on or to keep me company. these are my 'ghosts.' and they haunt me day in, day out - not just on halloween.

the bible says that “..perfect love drives out fear.” (1Jn 4:18). hmm. with all the things that scare me, i suppose i can say that my love is far from perfect. in fact, i guess i can say i have not even come a quarter of the way to perfection.

at times such as these (when almost everywhere i turn, i hear about death and dying), my fears have a way of being magnified. i struggle to stop myself from being afraid of what the future might bring. i try my best to trust in the Unseen God. it is difficult.. but somehow, He gives me strength to manage.

my love may not be perfect.. yet. but one day, i know it will be. because His love for me is perfect. and because “He who began a good work..” in me “..will carry it on to completion..” (Phil 1:6).

in the meantime, i live with my fears.. and trust in the Lord to teach me to trust and to love Him more perfectly. until my “daily halloween” is no more.

On Death and Dying

Like many Filipino families, mine went to the cemetery today (November 1) to visit the graves of our loved ones. Looking around, I found a sea of faces - and noticed that none of them had any tears.

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My grandmother died twenty years ago. I was only nine years old then. I did not cry when I heard the news. I did not shed tears at her funeral either. I suppose I was much too young then to understand about death and dying.

But I was my grandmother’s favorite “apo” - and she was not just my “grammy.” She was my friend, constant companion, “cheer-upper” and “defender” (especially when my parents would scold me). Her death, of course, affected me.

I never realized it at the time, but though I shed no tears, I mourned my grandmother’s passing. I started getting scared of a lot of things. Like being alone. Or left behind. I started to keep more to myself. I suppose, deep inside, I just wanted to avoid getting hurt again.

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We deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways. Some are able to cry. Some get angry. Some keep the hurt hidden deep inside.

I don’t know how the people at the cemetery were dealing with their loss. As for me, the pain of my grandmother’s passing has of course, long subsided. But still, there are other reasons to mourn - other people to grieve over. And for them, the pain in my heart has not yet eased as much.

Then I came upon this poem, and it gave me great comfort reading it:

I Did Not Die (by Melinda Sue Pacho)

Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.

I am not there. I did not die.

We may lose the people who are closest and dearest to us. But they are not truly lost to us. Someday, we will be reunited with them. That, in itself, should give us some comfort. And while we allow ourselves to grieve, we also bring to mind this verse: “..weeping may remain for a night,but rejoicing comes in the morning..” Ps 30:5

Yes, even in the face of death, we can rejoice. Because in the Lord, there is hope - for strength, encouragement, and new life.