out of reach..?

for the first time in my teaching career, i taught summer classes. this year, i handled two sections - a basic math course and an algebra/trigonometry course. now, most of my students weren’t exactly what you’d call “math geniuses” or “math lovers.” in fact, around 3/4 of my students were math repeaters. some were even taking algebra for the fourth time. so you can just imagine how traumatized they were with mathematics. they hated numbers.. they hated problem solving.. and most of all, they hated exams!

so last week, as they were taking their finals in math, my students all looked like they were going to the gallows. pale, sweaty, and clearly nervous.. they all answered the exam as if their very lives were at stake.

finally, 1 1/2 hours into the finals, one of my students (the uhmm.. least “mathematically inclined” in the class) approached me to submit her test booklet. she was almost crying. and she told me “miss, sorry talaga.. i really studied for this test but i know i flunked it. i’m sure i’m going to repeat math AGAIN next sem. but anyway, it was great knowing you..” i didn’t know what to say. because honestly, i wouldn’t have been surprised if she failed the subject. but anyway, i told her, “have a little more faith.. why don’t you wait until i finish checking your paper? if you want, i’ll check it right now.” she agreed.. so i did :-)

she needed to get a raw score of 29.5 in the finals in order to pass the course. and as i was checking her paper, i found that contrary to her claim that she “wasn’t able to answer a single thing in the test,” most of her answers and solutions were correct! after tallying her scores, i told her that she got a total of 38 points in the exam - well above what she needed to pass math lab :-)

my student couldn’t believe it. SHE PASSED! after thanking me profusely, she left the room in a daze - still not quite believing her good fortune.

i was chuckling to myself.. silently laughing at my student for being so afraid of failing the course. until the Lord “nudged” me to listen to His message. and i realized that a lot of times, i am like that student of mine. during desperate moments, i pray to God to help me.. i try my best in all my endeavors.. i give my all in service.. and yet after all this, i still do not have peace of mind. i couldn’t sit still.. i feel i have to strive harder.. do better.. and always, i feel nothing i do is good enough. i have this idea that some blessings are impossible to attain. too far off. out of reach.

sure, i pray to God. but there are moments when i doubt He would actually pay attention to me.. let alone help me. a lot of times, i lack faith.

so that day, the Lord gave me almost the same advice i gave to my student: “have a little more faith.. if not in yourself, then in Me.. because no goal is impossible to reach if I am with you.” and He’s right! i may not have much confidence in myself - but i ought to have the utmost faith trust in Him who is able to feed tens of thousands from five loaves and two fish :-) i may not have much to offer.. but in His hands, the little i could give will be more than enough :-)

“do your best and God will do the rest” i guess nothing is ever really out of reach :-)

Barely Breathing

for the first time since i started writing for the newsletter, last week, i was not able to submit an article. no, i’ve not run out of things to write about. and it’s not as if i lack inspiration. it’s just that the past week has been extremely hectic for me. i was giving review lectures for college entrance tests in the morning (8am-12nn); summer classes in the afternoon (1-5pm) and choir practice in the evening (6.30-9.30pm). hmmm. i felt like one of those lab rats moving from one part of the maze to the other.

so there i was, being busy the entire week. understandably, by the time saturday came, i was tired. drained. exhausted. and a bit on the grumpy side. i had papers to check, final exams to write, grades to compute, announcements to text, etc. but because we had the LSS for the class of st. james last weekend, i did not have enough time to do all those things.. much less get my much-needed sleep.

but in spite of my exhaustion, my hoarse voice and the tons of stuff i have yet to finish, i had a great time serving at the LSS :-) i found that as i listened to the talks, participated in the worship and attended the mass.. my strength returned to me. not only did i feel more alert/awake.. but my heart felt lighter.. and my spirit was renewed :-)

sunday morning brought more blessings for me. before singing for the morning prayers, we joined the MoP members in their worship. the prayers were simple, and so were the songs. but the anointing at that time was so powerful.. and everyone in the vigil room area felt the Holy Spirit’s power as it moved among us. people started to speak in tongues.. and many found themselves shaking or crying inexplicably. it was as if God’s power and blessings rained down on all of us. it was truly beautiful.. wonderful.. awesome.

and at that point, i understood that the life in the spirit seminars we hold every year are not only for the candidates we invite. we, who are given the privilege to serve there, are also being blessed abundantly. as we offer our time, our talents and our treasures in service of others, the Lord anoints us.. empowers us.. blesses us. He gives us not only strength, but more importantly, *joy* in serving Him :-)

sis yna’s opening song last sunday says it so well:

“times of refreshing here in your presence / no greater blessing than being with you / my soul is restored / my mind is renewed / there’s no greater joy lord / than being with you”

i may have been barely breathing all of last week, but i still thank God for the privilege of service. because through it, i’ve once more received a dose of His life-giving breath. and i know it’s enough to sustain me.. enough to empower me.. as i continue serving Him :-)

Umuulan Tuwing Kapiling Ka

kaninang umaga lang, pinapakinggan ko ‘yung mga kanta sa mp3 player ko.. at ito ang narinig ko:

“Minsan pa ulan bumuhos ka’t

H’wag nang tumigil pa

Hatid mo ma'y bagyo

Dalangin ito ng puso kong sumasamo”

pero, parang nananadya naman ‘yung panahon nung mga oras na ‘yon dahil *napakainit* ng sikat ng araw!! sabi pa naman nila, tapos na tapos na talaga ang summer. hayy. ayoko kasi talaga kapag maaraw - napapaso ang balat ko at lagi akong nasisilaw. kaya naman kaninang umaga, habang papasok ako at naramdaman ko ang napakatinding init, naglambing ako kay Lord. sabi ko, “Lord, alam mo namang ayoko ng ganitong mainit. sana naman paulanin mo. tutal, matagal na naman akong hindi gumagawa ng “rain wishes” ko.. sana pagbigyan mo ako ngayon.”

sa dami ng pinagkaabalahan sa trabaho, nawala na sa isip ko ‘yung lambing ko kay Lord pagdating ng tanghalian. hanggang.. nung kakain na kami nung kaibigan ko.. nakarinig ako ng malakas na kulog. at pagtingin namin sa labas ng bintana, ang dilim-dilim ng langit! hahaha.. tapos maya-maya lang, umuulan na nang malakas ü

kaya bumulong lang ako ng maikling “thank you” kay Lord bago kumain. simpleng lambing ko lang naman ‘yon.. isang simpleng request na nakalimutan ko nang hiniling ko sa Kanya. pero pinakinggan Niya. nakakataba ng puso ü

ang sarap talagang isipin na lagi Kitang kasama, Lord. nakakatuwang malaman na dinidinig Mo hindi lang ang mga “mabibigat” at “seryosong” panalangin ko.. kundi pati ang mga maliliit na lambing ko sa Iyo ü totoo ang sinasabi nung kanta:

“Pag-ibig ko’y umaapaw

Damdamin ko’y humihiyaw sa tuwa

Tuwing umuulan at kapiling Ka”

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

“I didn't want to hear it then / but I'm not ashamed to say it now / Every little thing you said and did was right for me / I had a lot of time to think about / about the way I used to be..” (Mama) by Spice Girls

i love to write. besides music, reading and math, writing is my passion. and normally, it would take me an hour at most to come up with an article.

but this week is different. for days i’ve been planning to write a “mother’s day” article.. but for some reason, i have difficulty putting my thoughts together. it’s not that i do not have anything to say about my mom. on the contrary, there are so many things i can say about her that i don’t quite know where to start, hehe :p

my mom’s life is very colorful. the eldest among 8 children, she was like a second mother to her siblings. even while she was still a student, mom would tutor classmates and friends to help support her brothers’ schooling. she started teaching at age 19.. and took on a lot of part-time jobs as well.

it was not easy at all. my mom would tell me how she would walk instead of commute so she could save money for her brothers. and because of the workload, she barely had time for herself. she told me how she would scrimp on clothes, makeup and other stuff young women normally splurge on. she had to help provide for her family. mom could not even buy chocolates (m&m’s and nestle crunch are her favorites) - ‘coz she could not afford to buy for everyone else. her only luxury was to get herself a bottle of perfume during christmas.

a lot of people looked up to mom - not just her siblings. i’m always amazed when her former students (most of whom look so much older than her, hehe) greet her so warmly when they bump into us. they’d always speak fondly of her.. and tell me how great my mom was.. not just as a teacher.. but as a friend/confidante.

a few years ago, mom’s former student even flew in from australia - just so she could attend mom’s retirement party. then last year, another former student donated a sizeable amount of money to our school. it was to be used to finance a scholarship - in my mother’s name.

mom sure has experienced a lot of triumphs and successes. but she’s gone through a lot of trials.. a lot of heartaches in life, as well. it is a testament to her humility and her faith in the Lord that mom always tells me, “anak, hindi ako magaling. ordinaryong tao lang ako.. maraming mas matalino sa akin. pero siguro binless ako ni Lord nang husto kasi malakas akong magdasal sa Kanya..”

though small in stature, my mom is a living “giant” of sorts. it’s quite intimidating, really. and while i wish i could be even half the person she is, it’s hard to fill mom’s shoes.

someday maybe i’ll be a mother, too. and when that day comes, i just hope and pray that the Lord will bless me the way He has blessed my mom. because she truly is a great person - a devoted sister and daughter, a loyal wife, an inspiring teacher, a caring and generous friend. but most of all, she’s a wonderful mom.

and i wouldn’t trade her for any other mom in the world :) thank You, Lord, for the privilege of being the daughter of such a great woman. :)

a series of unfortunate events

“and everything starts to fall apart / covered in ink to hide these scars / and everything ends the way it starts / i just wanna feel like i belong”

- earshot (fall apart)

this summer is turning out to be.. interesting. two weeks ago, my car’s air conditioner simply stopped cooling my car (i think the freon leaked). i suffered through several days of driving in the sweltering heat of the metro (i didn’t have time to get the a/c fixed - had to use the car to get to work and then to choir practice). thursday last week, my cell phone “died.” it refused to turn on. no matter how i tried to coax it back to life, it simply wouldn’t. saturday afternoon, i brought my zen micro mp3 player to abenson to have it fixed. the socket for the earphones was grounded. then today.. well, today i was going to go online on my PC to check emails and update my site.. but my computer’s all messed up. apparently, it does not recognize my hard drive. great. just great.

ok.. so halfway through summer, all my favorite things conk out on me one after the other. it’s really quite unbelievable. it would even have been hilarious.. if only it were happening to someone else, and not to me. hmm. the word “jinx” appropriately pops into my mind.

i am, therefore, quite surprised by the way i’m taking all this in stride. a couple of months back, if this happened to me, i probably would have alternated between irritation, bitchiness and despondency. i would have been near-inconsolable over the demise of my cell phone.. as well as the fact that i had no mp3 player to lull me to sleep. i’d have worried myself sick over my PC and all the data that i may not be able to recover. yes, i would have felt all that - *if* all this had happened a few months back.

but this is a different time.. and apparently, i am a different me. and in spite of the fact that things are (quite literally) falling apart all around me, i am still able to smile.. still able to hope.

so what did i learn from this series of unfortunate events? hmm. well, this is my list, so far..

* happiness is not dictated by circumstance. happiness is a choice. i can always choose to smile :)

* there’s no need to lose sleep over material possessions. my favorite things are just that - *things* :) when they conk out, i can get them repaired - or replace them.

* everything happens for a reason. even a string of “bad luck” can teach us something. i wouldn’t have realized how much i’ve changed, if all this hadn’t happened.

* sometimes misfortune isn’t always so bad. i learned a lot about myself and how the Lord has been working in me - all because of my “misfortune” this summer :)

it’s weird, but right now, i’m happy. really happy :) ‘coz i just found out that when everything starts to fall apart, that’s when God can show you how He can make everything - including you - whole again. and in the midst of the seeming chaos and misfortune, there is beauty in seeing His work slowly taking shape. everything is beautiful - even the scars.

“everything ends the way it starts..” i’d have to agree. the Lord started His work on me.. and i know someday i will end up the way He wants me to :)