another me

27 september 2006. i’ve been on this planet for three decades already. sheesh. has it really been that long?! am i really this old?!

the week before my birthday was a very busy one for me. i made visual aids and makeup tests at school (checked tons of papers, too). sunday, i went to my tutees to help them keep up with their math lessons. i spent time with friends (who keep complaining that i am never available anymore). and i went to our “must attend” practices and recording sessions (our christmas album is finished, at last! yay! ü) yup, the past days have been so hectic.. i barely had time to prepare for my special day.

for me, birthdays have always been special. when i was a kid, i loved september because that always meant i’d get lots of gifts (hehehe). i was my grandma’s favorite apo.. and she always made sure i’d get at least two new dresses for my birthday - one for church, and one for the party that she always prepares for me.

when my grandparents died (and i was bit older), the big parties turned into simple family dinners. but that didn’t make my birthdays any less special. my dad would prepare this special “treasure hunt” for me. i think he just liked to make me work hard to find my gift, hehehe ü

but somewhere along the way.. september became a dreaded month for me. i don’t know how or why it happened. maybe it was because i didn’t want to grow old. maybe i hated the fact that i didn’t have a “special someone” to share it with. maybe i “grew up” and became cynical. or maybe that day just made me feel that after all those years, i still had not done anything worthwhile. all i know is that one day, i realized i just didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. it was a “special” day, all right - a day i especially hated.

but not this year. not anymore ü i guess i’m grateful that in all the busyness this year, i did not have time to mope and feel bad about myself. i decided to use this day to take a long, hard look at myself.. to be less depressed and more productive ü so i made some “resolutions” (hey, birthdays are as good a time as new year to make these!).

1. i’m going to smile more and laugh more

2. i will try to make more friends

3. i will be a dedicated worker, not just in the ministry, but moreso in my job

4. i’m going to be a bit more adventurous

5. i won’t leave room for regret and self-pity

just now, i came across these lines from a song:

“let me feel, i don't care if i breakdown / let me fall, even if i hit the ground / and if i cry a little.. die a little

at least i know i lived, just a little”

(let me fall, bethany joy lenz)

three decades on this planet and i’m still learning.. still growing up ü i have not moved mountains. i have not written award-winning novels. i have not won the nobel peace prize.. or any prize, for that matter. but that’s fine with me. ‘coz the way i see it, it took all these years for me to make my mistakes.. to learn from them.. and to start being a better person ü

i may not get that nobel peace prize.. but i’m quite sure that one day, the Lord has something even greater in store for me: the promise of a new me - one He can proudly point at and say “see? she looks just like Me!” ü

christmas in september

this september turned out to be one of the merriest months for me this year. it’s been a month full of “happy-nings” hehehe ü for one thing, i am celebrating my birthday today (sheesh.. have i really been on this planet for three decades?! ü). as it turns out, my new friend, colleen, also celebrates her birthday on september. it’s also this month that i received official news of my tenure at school. oh.. and it seems that this september, i’ve had a record number of “dates” with various friends ü hahaha. yup, this month sure brought a lot of unexpected blessings for me :)

this year, i’m getting a “birthday bonus” too. because today, the rolwcc music ministry is finally launching its first ever christmas album entitled “melodies and harmonies of christmas” ü yup, it’s *finally* done!! and just in the nick of time.. haha. natapos din nang september.. in fact, our last recording session took place last night (the 26th) - a day before my special day. imagine spending the first hours of your september birthday singing christmas carols with friends in the ministry. how cool is that?! :p

all of us in the ministry worked *really* hard to come up with this christmas album. unknown to many, we started this project as early as march/april this year. just as we did when we worked on the “amazing love” cd, we spent countless hours in the recording studio (4-5 hours per session). we were practicing the christmas songs on top of our usual repertoire (for prayer meetings, tv masses and special services). many nights, we were sleep-deprived and exhausted. not to mention incessantly worrying over “quartets” and singing solo in front of bro. rannie, hehehe ü it’s been an insanely hectic 6 months. but we all had a blast :)

i’m glad that the music ministry’s project is *finally* completed. i’m really excited to share our music with friends at work and with other family members. but i guess part of me will miss those late-night stints at the recording studio.. the puzzled looks from passersby whenever they hear us singing christmas carols in june.. the crazy photo shoot.. the “bonding” over dinner while waiting for our turn to sing. yup.. i think i’m speaking for almost all of us in the ministry when i say that while we’re glad we have more time for rest now, we’re definitely going to miss all of these.

it feels wonderful to be able to take part in completing a labor of love such as this. for me, the feeling of joy.. the sense of accomplishment.. and the pride that comes with being involved in this endeavor.. well, those are great blessings, indeed. more than that, though, i’m really grateful to have the privilege of serving with people who have truly become the brothers and sisters i never had ü

so on this merry month of september, i celebrate my birthday. and i mean *really* celebrate ü not with a fancy party. not with a bang. not with lots of frills or thrills. but i celebrate my special day with a genuine smile on my face.. and in my heart ü and i say a special prayer of thanks.. for the greatest blessings that the Lord has given me for the past three decades - my family, my friends and this community ü and i’m grateful for the early “christmas” spirit He’s made me feel, too, hehehe :p

christmas in september. not a bad idea, huh? spread the joy around. remember.. everyday is a good day to celebrate the Lord’s birth ü merry christmas, everyone!

made to heal

“life isn't fair, i don't deserve this / how did this start, and when will it pass? / i want a chance though i may falter / here at this altar / i dare to ask you to heal me / won't you heal me? ” (gary chapman)

up until last month, i have never heard of fr. suarez. so even though fr. mar recounted three sundays ago the healing miracles performed by this priest, i did not think it would be such a big deal.

but last wednesday, i found out just how wrong i was. the healing mass was supposed to start at 6pm, and we who were asked to serve were requested to be at the megatrade hall by 3pm. i was at megamall by 1pm and saw, much to my surprise, the *really* long queue waiting to enter the venue. from what i’ve heard, a lot of these people were in line as early as 10am; and most came from faraway places.

given the circumstances, heated words and soaring tempers were inevitable. “kailan niyo ba kami papapasukin?” “hindi na kayo naawa..” “bakit inuuna niyo pa sila samantalang kanina pa kaming umaga dito..” “anong klase ba namang organizers kayo? nagkakagulo na kami dito nakatayo lang kayo diyan?” “talagang mga burgis pala kayo” “pumunta kami dito para magmisa.. anong karapatan niyong pagsarhan kami ng pinto?” “ang dami pa namang lugar sa loob, bakit ayaw niyo kaming papasukin?” on and on and on and on went the rants of the people who wanted healing.

meantime, the greeters, security team, administrators and everyone else involved in the activity, were feeling quite harassed. they felt the brunt of the people’s ire.. got cussed at.. insulted.. accused of all sorts of things.. and blamed for everybody’s misery.

it made me sad to witness these things happening; especially at an event that was supposed to bring all people closer to a healing God. i thought, “why couldn’t everyone just be more patient.. more tolerant of one another? we’re all tired, hungry and impatient. why can’t they just stop griping?!” i was tired of the bickering outside the hall.. the jostling and the bitching and all the complaints. i was starting to feel grumpy, myself.

and then i looked at fr. suarez as he was healing all the people lined up in front of him. he was tired (he had another healing session earlier that day). he was hungry. people demanded a lot from him: time, attention, healing. he was probably more exhausted than anyone else in the venue. and yet fr. suarez just kept on healing. and as he did, he smiled! yes.. this priest, to whom our Lord gave His healing power, had enough humility and compassion to keep flashing a smile in the midst of a desperate crowd hungry for healing.

i don’t know how fr. suarez does it. i don’t know how he manages to stay on his toes for practically an entire day and still keep his cool (let alone smile). i don’t know how he can keep seeing hope for our country despite everything that’s happening around us.

there’s one thing i know, however. that day, i learned that fr. suarez is not the only one called to heal people. the Lord made all of us healers.. in different ways. because there are so many hurting wounded children of God out there. and we all have parts to play in their healing. a kind word.. an encouraging pat on the back.. a shoulder to cry on.. a smile that brings hope. simple gestures that He can use to bring about miraculous healing.

maybe He is fr. suarez’ secret.. his Source of strength, compassion and hope. because whom the Lord calls, He also empowers.

“i dare to ask you to heal me..”

are we up to the challenge?

wake me up when september ends

“i always get depressed when my birthday approaches.. i don’t mean clinically depressed / catatonic / tragically sad; just listless, low-energy, kind of blue. it’s not an original or trendy condition - lots of people get depressed round their birthdays. maybe it’s the reminder of their own mortality, or disappointment at not having hit all their targets.. or the sneaking suspicion that this is as good as it gets and your life goes downhill from here.”

- jessica z.

i could have written those lines. really. everytime september comes around, i look in the mirror half-expecting to see smurfette (oh, you know.. the “little blue girl” in the 80’s cartoons - the smurfs?!). it’s as if time agonizingly slows down.. and the days just seem to drag on. it gets harder to wake up in the morning and much harder to sleep at night.

it’s not like i ask to be sad every time my birthday comes around. i don’t. but i can’t help it. oh, i know, i’m not a sunny person to begin with. but special occasions just make me more morose than usual.

i thought i was the only one on this planet who felt this way. after all, it did seem kinda weird to get bitten by the “blue bug” each time you’re supposed to be *celebrating* your special day. so it came as a surprise when i read jessica zafra’s article (phil. star, 08sept06, YS section) last friday. so i’m not alone after all. hmm. i’m normal. sort of. hahaha.

then a few days ago, i gained a new friend (this should come as a surprise to many, hehe). she’s a couple of years my junior.. but i found out that we actually share *a lot* of things in common. we both love to read and write. we like the same authors and are fond of collecting quotes. we are both quite moody (hehe). heck, we almost even had the same pseudonym (“lil blue girl”)! hmm. it’s freaky to find someone who’s sooo like you. freaky yet somehow, reassuring.. :)

come to think of it, this is the second time this has happened to me this year. earlier on, i met a sister in the community who was so like me that we hit it off almost instantly (we were so alike that people often confused our articles, hehe).

so. i gained two great friends this year (believe it or not, *that* is a record for me.. haha). and both of them showed up at times when i was feeling really down in the dumps. coincidence? i think not.

maybe God made a way for me to meet these people to tell me that i’m not alone. that no matter how weird my thoughts are.. how silly i act.. and how inexplicably sad i may feel at times, there are others around me who understand. who are going through (or have gone through) the same things in their lives.

it’s still september. i’m still experiencing my annual birthday blues. but it’s not so bad anymore. ‘coz sometimes, just knowing that there are others who are on the same road with you is enough to make the walk a lot easier (and more fun, haha!) :)

looks like God is shaking me awake from my listlessness even before september ends, haha. i’m fine with that. then maybe i can spend my birthday with my eyes wide open :)

mirror, mirror

Several days ago, I saw this mirror mounted on a wall. It was a really huge one. Dramatic. And it really caught my attention. I suddenly remembered what those interior decorators always say - if you want to create the illusion of more space, use mirrors.. they will definitely open up the place.

A mirror doesn’t just make a room seem “roomier,” though. It is one of the simplest yet most useful inventions in existence. It is used in cosmetics, in discos, in department stores, in homes, in offices, in laboratories and hey, even in outer space!

But of course, the most important function of a mirror is to show us what we look like. Can you imagine going through an entire day without even glancing at your reflection (and thus, not knowing whether remnants of breakfast are stuck between your teeth)? I know I can’t.

Nevertheless, I’m not one who’s fond of looking at herself in the mirror. I don’t know.. I guess it’s because I get too self-conscious everytime I see my reflection. I tend to focus too much on my flaws (“Oh no.. is that a pimple?! Uh oh.. I think I see the beginning of a wrinkle here..”). Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and think “Oh, I’m too fat” or “I wish I had fairer skin” or “Why couldn’t I look more like Angelina Jolie?” (hahaha).

Still, even though I feel uncomfortable staring at myself in the mirror, I continue to do it. Everyday (And I suppose, so does everyone else) Why? For the simple reason that *I have to.* I need to keep looking at myself - flaws and all - so that I can get rid of whatever is unsightly.. highlight what is good.. and most importantly, *know what I look like* hehe ü

But brothers and sisters, what we see in the mirror is only a shadow of the person we really are. For while mirrors may reflect the shape of our face or the contour of our body, it cannot show us who we are inside. It cannot show us the state of our mind or spirit. It cannot depict what’s in our heart - our desires, our fears, our beliefs - everything that makes us unique.. different from everybody else.

In the bible, James writes about how silly it is for a person to look at the mirror and then forget what his face looks like (1:24). It may seem funny.. but it can happen to us if we’re not careful.

If we do not make it a habit to pause.. to pray.. and to look at our “inner mirrors,” then we will soon forget who we *really* are. We may no longer know our weaknesses and our strengths. We may no longer see our own value.. our own worth. We may no longer recognize the person whom our Lord sees.. the person He loves. And thus, we will not be able to picture the ourselves the way God wants us to be.. someone who mirrors Him.

There’s more to us than faces. The Lord loves us - wrinkles and all ü And it’s a relief to know that while He sees so much more than what the mirror shows, He also sees *beyond* our outer images. He sees Himself in us ü

I looked at my reflection in that huge mirror. And in spite of myself.. I liked what I saw ü

So next time you look in the mirror, just remember: You are loved. Immensely. Unconditionally. Perfectly. And I hope that like me, you will learn to love what you see ü

you can’t always get what you want

“true contentment depends not upon what we have; a tub was large enough for diogenes, but a world was too little for alexander.“ charles colton

several days ago, i rode the mrt going to makati with a friend. it was hot and humid.. and i was tired and unbelievably thirsty. all i wanted at that time was a full glass of ice-cold drink.

so i went to this hotdog stand and bought my iced tea (P25 for a medium-sided cup!? sheesh) i could have gotten myself a drink at a cheaper price.. but i was really desperate then.. so i didn’t much care. it took me only a couple of gulps to drain the cup. aaaahh.. that felt really good :) i think that was the best iced tea drink i’ve ever had, hahaha :)

the queue for the mrt tickets was really long, so my friend and i stood in line for quite some time. there were a lot of beverage stands there at the station.. but iced tea no longer appealed to me. i wasn’t interested in getting myself another cup.. not for P10.. not even for free! haha.. i went from desperately longing for iced tea to bland indifference in a matter of minutes.

and i’m sure i’m not alone in this. every one of us has had, at one time or another, an “iced tea experience.” oh, you know.. like those times when you feel you just *have* to buy that great pair of jeans.. or when you’re *absolutely sure* that the only thing that can make you happy is the newest cell phone model.. or when you think that *if only* you could get your dream house (or the “man of your dreams” perhaps?!) then you’ll be happy forever. hmm. unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.

we are not naturally wired for contentment. as neil gaiman said, “the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.” no matter how high our dreams may be, once we achieve them, we realize that we still long to have more. eventually, we find that nothing satisfies us - not wealth, not fame, not success, not even great friendships. nope, we can’t always get what we want. because once we get the stuff we *think* we want, they somehow diminish in value.. and we go off searching once more for who-knows-what.

“..Be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’”

(Heb 13:5)

perhaps it’s time for us to listen to this advice :) the Lord is always with us.. ever-present, ever-giving, ever-loving. His blessings are new every morning. and wonderful though the gifts may be, they all pale in comparison to the value of the Giver :)

if we truly make the Lord our heart’s desire, He is sure to satisfy - not just for a moment.. not even just for a lifetime.. but for all eternity :)

what more can we ask for? :)