wistful thinking

it’s the last week of january.. and soon, the school year will be drawing to a close. *sigh* why is it that time flies so fast nowadays?

one of the hardest things to deal with for a teacher is the end of each school year. mostly because it is at this time when grades are computed, nominees for various awards are ranked, the list of graduating students is prepared, removal exams are administered, etc. for a 4th year teacher like me, though, it’s not the additional work load that’s difficult. rather, it’s the realization that my students - the ones i’ve bonded with and grown fond of - will be leaving high school to go to college.

for the past 11 years, i’ve been going through this “wistful” phase every april (that’s when our school holds its commencement exercises). i can’t help it. i always wonder, “handa na nga kaya silang pumunta sa kolehiyo? naturuan kaya namin sila nang mabuti?” maybe this is how parents feel when their children are growing up and leaving the fold (i could only imagine, of course.. ‘coz i’m not a parent, hehehe). naturally i want *all* my senior students to graduate on time. after all their hard work and all the years of studying, of course i feel proud of them. still, there’s this part of me that wants them to stay on.. just to make sure they *really* are ready.. and because familiar faces are always a source of comfort.

it is said that “everybody grows old. but not everybody grows up.” and i think it’s because it is so hard for us to let go of what we have been used to.. what we are comfortable with. we are afraid of what might happen when we take on new challenges.. when we face new opportunities. growing old is mandatory. but no one can force us to grow up if we refuse to.

in a few months, my “kids” will be leaving their comfort zones - their barkadas, high school classrooms and teachers. they will soon have new adventures.. new challenges that would test their skills.. new chances for growth. i know that even now, they have their fears (as do i); but i know too that they are also excited to find out what lies in store for them in college. if they stay in secondary school.. if they refuse to go beyond what they have gotten used to.. then they would miss out on all the opportunities for improvement.

brothers and sisters, we too are supposed to grow. we should grow, not only in years, but in wisdom, in faith and in love. the number of years that we stay in community is not what matters most. rather, it is what we learn about ourselves - our weaknesses, our strengths, our dedication and commitment, how we face our fears, how we get past the numerous obstacles in service - that counts.

we will not be here forever. eventually, all of us will “graduate” from this life. and while we’re still here, let us make the most of it :) let us serve the lord - not just here in rivers, but *everywhere* - in our homes, at work, etc. because every thing, every time, every place is an opportunity for christian growth. and if only we keep our eyes (and our hearts) open to his leading, then growing up will be more exciting than it is intimidating :)

i adore you

he’s 5’8” tall. fair-skinned. aquiline nose. has a sort of piercing stare. well-known. as in rock-star famous. loves to wear black. listens to lou reed’s music. has a weird sense of humor. he’s in his forties. has three kids. goes online everyday to update his journal. his name is neil gaiman. and he’s my favorite author :)

i know a lot of trivia about neil. like the fact that he was born on november 10, 1960. and that he’s a techie.. and that he finds the philippines interesting. i have read almost all of his books and graphic novels. i even have a picture of him saved in my pc, hahaha! :p

yup. i am a certified neil gaiman fan. i simply looooooove the guy. for me, he’s a genius. but for all my “starstruck-ness” and loyalty to *the* gaiman, i would have to admit that i don’t adore him. how can i?! i don’t really *know* him :p i mean, sure.. i know lots of stuff *about* him. but neil the person.. the guy he really is (as opposed to his public image - the writer/artist/star).. well, i know next to nothing about that.

i think, for the most part, that’s how we start our christian journey. sure, we are all blessed to be living in a predominantly catholic country. so in a way, we have a “head start” in our knowledge of the lord. we hear a lot of “god stuff,” actually, even without meaning to. probably even the most irregular churchgoer would have heard about the holy trinity, jesus’ ministry and miracles, his death and resurrection, his mother and her immaculate conception, the workings of the holy spirit, the empowerment of the disciples, and many more.

but when we think about it, how many of us *really* know god? how many of us can honestly say that we know him personally? as fr. mar asked last sunday in the recommitment seminar.. “do we have a heightened sense of being loved by the lord?”

when i joined the rivers community some 12 years ago, i already knew quite a lot of “god stuff” - things i learned when i was attending our christian bible study group in college. but that was all i knew about him, really - trivia. head knowledge. stuff anybody can look for in books or the internet.

but it was through the rivers family that god truly made himself known to me. it was through this community that i learned to call him lord. and it was through ministry service that i learned the really important things. like how he smiles when i do even the most menial tasks with dedication. or how he has this habit of speaking to my heart when i least expect to hear from him. or his fondness for answering my “lambing” prayers, chuckling whenever i get surprised. or how, at times, he would let me cry copious tears.. and then comfort me with his hugs and console me with his words.

these days, i still learn a lot of new things about god. the community certainly offers a lot of opportunities for nourishment - what with the worship inputs, formation & empowerment seminars and various talks. but serving in rivers has also taught me to seek the better.. nay, the *best* part: god himself.

he’s no longer simply the god i look up to heaven to pray to. he’s no longer “out there, watching me.” he now is the god i look into my heart to talk to.. to confide in.. to seek consolation from. he is my “cheer-upper” and “sanity-keeper”.. my “sumbungan” and advocate. he is my ever-present friend.

i know him now. and oh, how i adore.. :)

shameless plug xD

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. Rev 22:1-3

This is where the Rivers of Living Water Catholic Community (or RoLWCC) gets its name.

This community (which was established in 1992 by its twenty-two founding members) is living up to its mission – to renew, develop and form believers to make worship their way of life, enabling them to draw others to God in fellowship and committed service.

With its Wednesday prayer meetings uniquely being held in a marketplace, the Rivers community draws both regular members and the uninitiated to the Lord through its praise and worship, as well as the inspiring and enlightening talks. More than this, however, the community provides a faith development path designed to nourish and deepen the worship and prayer lives of its regular members. RoLWCC’s empowerment and formation seminars, retreats, recollections and Lord’s day celebrations give the community’s workers a deeper knowledge of Scripture which leads to more meaningful service truly centered on the Lord.

God has given Rivers different avenues through which it can serve Him. Through its various works of mercy, involvement in transparochial activities, regular Lenten recollections (with other communities) and its regular Sunday TV Healing Mass, RoLWCC gives glory and worship to the Lord.

Rivers has been blessed with the gifts of worship and organization. The community has long been known for its heartfelt and Spirit-filled worship. Moreover, its members and workers show dedication, commitment and cheerful, whole-hearted participation in whatever service they render for the Lord. Whether the event is a seminar for less than a hundred members, or a healing session open to thousands of people, RoLWCC workers selflessly give their best.

And it is this – the dedication, passion and worshipful service – that sets the Rivers of Living Water apart. It is no wonder, then, that through the years, the community has been invited by other Catholic organizations to be their partner in various services. The RoLWCC’s undeniable charism of worship, especially through music and dance, has served to uplift and inspire so many people – the different transparochial groups during Pentecost celebrations, the homebound viewers of the Live TV Mass on Sundays and most recently, the group of Father Fernando Suarez, the renowned healing priest.

Because of its determination to provide spiritual nourishment and develop in its members a zeal for service focused on the Lord, the Rivers of Living Water has truly become an effective proclaimer of God’s good work. Its anointed worship not only inspires others, but also empowers the community to be an instrument of healing. This is evidenced to by Father Fernando himself, who explains his fondness for RoLWCC by saying, “Talagang kapag ang Rivers ang kasama ko, ramdam na ramdam ang lakas ng Espiritu Santo.”

As the Rivers of Living Water Catholic Community continues its journey with the Lord, it is slowly being transformed into the kind of community it has envisioned for so long: a community of God that gathers in joyful worship – a worship that becomes a source of healing, nourishment and a transformed life.

what matters most

this is the article i included in our newsletter. i guess after pouring out all my frustrations (and sadness) in my previous article, i felt a lot better. so instead of dampening other readers' spirits, i thought i'd write *this* instead :p

* * *

2008 did not start the way i wanted it to. i had no new year’s resolutions.. no promises to myself or to others.. not even a feeling of a new start nor hopeful expectations.

*sigh* i did not plan on starting this year full of cynicism. then again, i did not plan to end 2007 full of resentment either.

it’s been months since i last wrote a reflection for the newsletter. i could say i’ve been very busy.. and there was no space left for me to write an article.. and anyway there were more than enough contributors. and i’d be telling the truth. but not the whole truth.

i haven’t written anything for a long time because i needed a break. i’ve been writing on a weekly basis for two straight years.. trying my best to see god’s face in literally everything - from work stuff to songs & quotes to weird fish to martial arts and math. and while expressing oneself can be extremely rewarding, there comes a time when you run out of ideas.. out of energy.. out of interest.

i also stopped writing because, in a not-so-funny, twisted way, i wanted to go on strike. why? well, this would sound *really* shallow.. but it’s the truth: i was sulking.

yes. sulking.

one of my close friends did something that really hurt me. it wasn’t anything close to murder.. but it really upset me and made me feel so bad about myself. and that set off an avalanche of other negative emotions in me. hence, the sulking. and the “writer’s strike.”

but there must be something about the start of a new year that helps put things in perspective. because, in spite of myself, i realize that my sulking isn’t doing anyone any good. it certainly isn’t doing *me* any good - because it prevents me from expressing myself and it stops me from giving god glory through the gift of writing.

besides, all that sulking just magnified all the resentment, disappointment and bitterness i felt. and that really stops me from seeing the “god factor” in anything :p

so with this piece, i officially end my 3-month hiatus :) and i’m looking forward to seeing god in the oddest things (a physics lecture, laundry soap, my lunchbox, car wipers, for starters!) once more :p

brothers and sisters, we christians are not exempt from mood swings and sulking moments. none of us can be cheery and sunshiny 24/7. people will hurt us.. just as surely as we will hurt them. and there may be times when we would choose to hide.. shy away from service.. or pout even as we give our offering.

but let us not allow those moments to last long. there’s a time to sulk.. and a time to finally get back on track :)

after all, while our comfort.. our feelings.. and our sense of “rightness” are important, what *really* matters is our heart for god.

may you find peace, love and *joy* in serving him.. who is the source of all good things :) god bless!

lay your hands on me

it’s been months since i last wrote a reflection for the newsletter. i could say i’ve been very busy.. and there was no space left for me to write an article.. and anyway there were more than enough contributors. and i’d be telling the truth. but not the whole truth.

one of the reasons why i haven’t written anything for a long time is because i needed a break. i’ve been writing on a weekly basis for two straight years.. trying my best to see god’s face in literally everything - from work stuff to songs & quotes to weird fish to martial arts and math. and while expressing oneself can be extremely rewarding, there comes a time when you run out of ideas.. out of energy.. and eventually, interest.

to be very honest, i wanted a break, not just from writing, but from *everything.* i hated going to work. i stopped doing the things i used to love - reading, writing and even using my pc. i shied away from my friends, preferring to be alone. and when december came - with everyone feeling so cheery, and with all the festivities going on around me that i could not seem to relate to - i felt even worse.

at some point, i found myself unable to express my thoughts and my feelings. i harbored resentment towards some of the people closest to me.. and i could not tell them. i had feelings of hurt and disappointment.. and i could not explain myself rationally. i tried my best to maintain a calm, cool exterior. but deep inside, i was just about ready to explode. and i didn’t even know *why.*

to “lay a hand” on someone means to lash out.. to strike.. to hurt that person. and i have to admit, there were times when i wanted to do just that - let others feel the hurt they caused me. i’m not proud of myself for thinking that way.. but that’s how bad i felt.

then today, as i was looking for devotionals to include in this issue, i happened upon an article called “what god says about you” (see page 7). and towards the end, it says, “when we look for god, we will find him. the lord will not abandon us. (deut 4:30-31)“ and that simple statement struck me. i did not plan to write a reflection for this week.. but after i read that, i decided to give it a try once more.

hiding is not always bad. in fact, we are often encouraged to go on “retreats” - to spend some time away from our usual activities and the busy environment we are in. but these retreats are not meant to be spent alone. when we go to our private hideaways, we are meant to meet up with our lord. because if we retreat into our own shells just to keep the world out.. if we refuse to listen to anyone except ourselves.. then we will have nobody’s hand to hold but our own.

this christian walk certainly is not easy. we get hurt.. and we hurt others too. some people get to lay a hand on us.. other times, we lay a hand on them. but in spite of the difficulties, when we continue to seek the lord, he will always show himself to us. for he is a god who never abandons us.

and god will lay his hands on us. not to lash out. not to strike. not to hurt us. but to fill us with his spirit - of love, of joy and of peace - once more.