one way thoughts

i have always been fascinated with one-way mirrors. you know.. the ones you see on tv.. where the cops watch as the suspect is being interrogated?! i’ve always found those mirrors interesting. mostly because i love observing people - what they are doing, how they react to situations, etc - but i avoid being watched by others. i prefer to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.

i guess in a way, i feel like i am a one-way mirror - reflecting what people expect from me, while keeping most of the real me secret.

this day started out quite badly for me. i was late for my 8am lecture because the seminar was held at a different venue from last time, and i was not informed about the change. it was hot and humid, and the new room did not have air conditioning. to make things worse, i could not use the presentation i prepared because the lcd projector was not available. i was extremely irritated.

but i had work to do. and that required me to be on top of things.. to be in control of the situation and of my feelings. so i forced myself to keep my annoyance from showing. i focused on the teachers i was training.. took cues from their nonverbal language.. and tried to find out how to make the lecture interesting and fun.
thankfully, the session went quite well ü

i couldn’t help but breathe a loud sigh of relief when i was through giving the lecture this morning. i didn’t have to bottle up my frustration anymore. i could just be alone as i drove my car.. and rant without anyone else knowing.

anyway. i listen to the cd in my player (hillsong - for all you’ve done) and hear these lines from an upbeat song that lifted my spirits for the rest of the day..

in troubled times its you i seek / i put you first thats all i need / i humble all i am, all to you

hmm. the lord sure has a funny way of making his presence felt ü he reminded me that no matter how troubled i may feel, he will always be there for me to turn to. with him, i don’t have to pretend. we have no secrets.. no one-way conversations. he will *always* know how i feel - the rants, the frustrations and all the hidden stuff nobody else sees. and he wouldn’t mind. not at all ü

one way jesus / you’re the only one that i could live for

yes, you are the only one i could live for - my source of joy and my closest (open) friend, haha ü and i am glad to be walking this one-way journey to you. no turning back! ü

hidden in plain sight

i misplaced my sm advantage card sometime last week. i looked for it everywhere - in my wallet, in my spare bag, in my other wallet (yeah, i have lots of those, hahaha), in my car, under the car seat, in my jeans pocket(s). for days, i searched my room, my desk and my computer table.. and turned up nothing.

by then, i had already given up trying to look for my missing card. i decided to just go get a new one the next time i went to the mall.

then last sunday, as i was organizing the contents of my bag, i saw my sm advantage card neatly tucked into its usual place in my purse. in the same place i looked a dozen or more times just a few days ago. haha. my card was effectively hidden in plain sight.

reading glasses, credit cards, car keys, pens. these are not the only things that can be hidden in plain sight. too often, we go desperately searching for a lot of things - happiness, contentment, peace, love - in vain. not because we look in the wrong places. but probably because we are not truly ready to see them. even if they are right in front of our very eyes.

we often pray for financial stability.. but when the lord gives us a job that provides good income, we complain about how it uses up all our time and energy. we pray for good health.. but when our doctors tell us to take our meds and watch our diet, we refuse to follow. we pray for blessings.. but we withhold blessings from those in need, even if god tells us to “give and it will be given [us]“.

brothers and sisters, what are you searching for in life? what do you ask for from the lord during your prayer time? maybe he has already given it to you.. but it remains hidden from you.. in plain sight.

may the lord open our eyes to see all the (hidden) blessings that he sends our ways. and may he enable our hearts to be grateful for his goodness, his providence and his love :)

god bless, everybody! :)

taking the back seat

aside from “wala ka ba talagang balak mag-asawa?”, the question i am most often asked is “ayaw mo bang magtrabaho abroad? o kaya lumipat sa ibang trabaho na mas mataas ang sweldo?!” hmm. well, “none” to the first question and “no” to the second. hehehe ü

it’s not that i don’t need additional money. i do. *definitely* but i guess i realized that while money is important, it is not my main consideration whenever i make career choices.

i am a teacher. in a state university. so, no.. i do not earn much. and several times, i’ve tried applying in other higher-paying colleges, but never really was able to secure a full-time position in any of them. i thought to myself, “why couldn’t i secure a better-paying job? am i not good enough? am i too old to compete with other teachers?”

but the lord took away my misgivings and assured me that i was where he wanted me to be. because two years ago, by his grace, i was able to get tenure in our school (this is another sharing in itself, haha).. and this coming year, i will be appointed head of our department - an honor i certainly was not expecting. and now, after a long, long, long wait, it is official: itataas na daw ang sweldo ng mga UP teachers. hahaha. our salaries are (supposedly) going to be comparable to those of teachers in private schools.

and i’m glad i waited ü because in our school, the teaching load is not too heavy. and class sizes are not so big. i have lots of room for professional growth, and opportunities for learning. and of course, my time is (relatively) flexible. which means i have a lot of time to spend with family.. and a lot of time for service. i am happy where i am. and i believe, god is too.

in deciding my career path, i let financial considerations take the back seat, and allowed god to close and open whichever doors he wanted. and he proved himself faithful and trustworthy ü

lord, always give me the strength and courage to take the back seat and hand over the reins of my life to you. may you always be the first consideration in all my decision-making.. because with you in my life, there is nothing more i need ü

fill in the blanks

“the heart of __________ is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.”(Honore de Balzac)

“__________‘s love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking. it never fails nor falters, even though the heart is breaking” (Helen Rice)

“ __________ understands what a child does not say.”

it isn’t so difficult to fill in the blanks, is it? :) the first time i read these, i initially thought the answer was “GOD” :) but when i looked at the original quotes, i found out that the missing phrase was “A MOTHER” ü

a jewish proverb says, “god could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.” well, we know that god is everywhere.. but i’m still grateful he made mothers. or at least, that he made mine, hehe ü ‘coz i believe that, as soon as we were born, god wanted us to get a glimpse of his face and his love - through our mothers ü
my mom is not very extravagant in her show of affection. she’s quite shy in that way. but she is one of the most loving people i know. in the way she honored her parents.. in her dedication to her family.. her commitment to work and her persistence in prayer, i learned that god wasn’t a faraway deity, but someone who’s real. someone who’s part of our daily life. someone who *is* family.

as i grew up, my mom has always been there to listen to my sumbong’s and to wipe away my tears. she would be the first to take my side.. give moral support.. and make me feel that i am not alone. thanks to my mom, i never saw the lord as someone unapproachable. and i was always confident that he would hear me out - no matter what.

so i guess how i know god is a product of how i know my mom. and i’m very fortunate that he has blessed me with a mother who is able to show me who he is.. through her love and through her faith ü

happy mother’s day, mom :) i love you ü