one way thoughts

i have always been fascinated with one-way mirrors. you know.. the ones you see on tv.. where the cops watch as the suspect is being interrogated?! i’ve always found those mirrors interesting. mostly because i love observing people - what they are doing, how they react to situations, etc - but i avoid being watched by others. i prefer to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.

i guess in a way, i feel like i am a one-way mirror - reflecting what people expect from me, while keeping most of the real me secret.

this day started out quite badly for me. i was late for my 8am lecture because the seminar was held at a different venue from last time, and i was not informed about the change. it was hot and humid, and the new room did not have air conditioning. to make things worse, i could not use the presentation i prepared because the lcd projector was not available. i was extremely irritated.

but i had work to do. and that required me to be on top of things.. to be in control of the situation and of my feelings. so i forced myself to keep my annoyance from showing. i focused on the teachers i was training.. took cues from their nonverbal language.. and tried to find out how to make the lecture interesting and fun.
thankfully, the session went quite well ü

i couldn’t help but breathe a loud sigh of relief when i was through giving the lecture this morning. i didn’t have to bottle up my frustration anymore. i could just be alone as i drove my car.. and rant without anyone else knowing.

anyway. i listen to the cd in my player (hillsong - for all you’ve done) and hear these lines from an upbeat song that lifted my spirits for the rest of the day..

in troubled times its you i seek / i put you first thats all i need / i humble all i am, all to you

hmm. the lord sure has a funny way of making his presence felt ü he reminded me that no matter how troubled i may feel, he will always be there for me to turn to. with him, i don’t have to pretend. we have no secrets.. no one-way conversations. he will *always* know how i feel - the rants, the frustrations and all the hidden stuff nobody else sees. and he wouldn’t mind. not at all ü

one way jesus / you’re the only one that i could live for

yes, you are the only one i could live for - my source of joy and my closest (open) friend, haha ü and i am glad to be walking this one-way journey to you. no turning back! ü