Broken Bread

“As bread that is broken, use our lives

As wine that is poured out, a living sacrifice

Empower us Father to share the love of Christ

As bread that is broken, Lord

Use our lives...”

I listened to these lines from a favorite song. I haven’t heard them for quite some time.. but the words came to mind after the praise & worship last Wednesday. Broken bread. I do not know why, but there is something poignantly beautiful about being broken. Even God seems to favor broken people.

For the past weeks, a number of friends have been coming to me with various concerns. I’d listen patiently to them as they tell me about all sorts of problems - from failed exams to breakups and shaky relationships to death in the family to unwanted pregnancy. As I offer my shoulder to cry on, I feel my heart go out to them. I feel their brokenness and their pain.. how hope seems to be out of reach. And as I try to console them, I am made aware of my own brokenness.. my own sense of hopelessness and despair. How could I possibly help these friends of mine when deep inside, I know that I am just as broken.. if not more broken than they are? Do I even have the right to minister to them?

I am not perfect. I am not even good. Often, when I look at myself, I see a person who struggles to do what is right.. but oftentimes fails. I see a wounded girl trying to convince herself that she has worth in spite of her mistakes.. in spite of her numerous shortcomings. When I examine my thoughts, I am both amazed and appalled at the diversity of beliefs and convictions that I see. I find that who I want to be and who I actually am are two totally different people. And I remember that famous verse in Rom 7:18-19: "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing." Ouch. That is so like me.

Out of frustration, many times, I question whether it's worth it to even try to do what's right. I ask myself why I should even bother to do the right thing when everyone else seems to do otherwise. It's so hard to struggle.. so difficult to die to one’s self. Old habits are hard to unlearn. So are old ways of thinking. Soon, despair and hopelessness set in. Unworthy and broken. That’s how I often feel.

I had all these thoughts in my mind since last week. And last Friday, the day before the Service Recommitment Recollection, I cried and prayed fervently before God. I was having second thoughts about attending the seminar. I was lonely and terribly confused. I wanted to serve Him but I felt so unworthy. Everytime I looked at myself, I hated what I saw. Nevertheless, I decided to go the Recommitment Seminar; and hoped that the Lord would have answers for me.

And He did. One thing that I will remember about the seminar is this statement that Fr. Mar said: God does not call able people. Instead, He enables the people He calls. Yes, I am broken. And yes, a lot of times I have stumbled. I may feel unworthy and unprepared. But all these do not matter. What is important is that I am willing to heed His call to service. A simple “Yes” from me and the Lord will graciously empower me.. so that I may do His work with Him.

Being broken isn't always a bad thing. In fact, it is a necessary step in following the Lord. Without the struggle, without the pain.. we will always tell ourselves that it is by our strength that we overcome. Without the tears that come from our sorrows, without the scars caused by our sins, without the evidence of our woundedness, we will always think ourselves better than we really are. Without being broken.. without being poured out.. we will only be able to look down upon others "more sinful" than we are.

Broken and humbled. I would not have it any other way. For I know that in His time, God will make me whole once more. "As bread that is broken, Lord, use our lives.."

On Heartbreak

getting your heart shattered into a million tiny pieces does hurt. not only emotionally.. but also physically (the effects of stress and depression alone can wreak havoc on your system) and at times, spiritually as well. getting your heart broken hurts your pride - you feel a sense of unworthiness.. of not being good enough to be wanted. you question whether you will ever find that special someone. you wonder if your world will ever be the same again. yes.. heartache is one of the worst things that could happen to someone.

and yet, as bad as it is to be brokenhearted, there's something that's a lot worse: being a *heartbreaker* - someone who willingly and consciously hurts other people's hearts.

a couple of months ago, i'd have given almost anything just to avoid getting my heart broken. I thought i'd experienced the worst feeling when I felt what it was like to be 'dumped' by someone I loved. it took so long for me to bounce back.. to get my bearings back.. to be 'normal' again.

but now, i realize that sometimes, heartaches happen so that God can open up our hearts to His leading. during those times when i felt so down and so low, i was only able to think only of myself. i was aware of *my* woundedness.. *my* pain.. *my* brokenness. everything was about me. i only thought about what *i* wanted. i didn't care what the risks would be or who would get hurt. in my selfishness, all i could think of was ME. the people around me.. the ones who truly loved and cared for me.. they all became secondary to my needs. although unintentional, i was slowly turning into the kind of person i dreaded most: a heartbreaker.

it's one thing to hurt from having your heart broken. but the feeling of being the cause of another person's heartache.. well, it's a deeper, darker and more painful kind of hurt. one that needs an abundant amount of God's grace in order to heal.

i'm not proud of my selfishness. and yes, i am still smarting from the realization that i have turned into a heartbreaker. but maybe this is the time to learn. at least there is realization. and painful as it may be to face the truth.. i still thank the Lord that He's shown me who i am. and hopefully, He will be there to guide me.. to change me into a healer of hearts.. just like Him.

The Earth is Round

this morning, while browsing through my phone, i found this text message that a friend sent to me a while back:

"People give up on each other sometimes. That's why God made the earth round. So that if two people meant to be friends would decide to walk different paths, still, at one point, the ends of their roads will meet again."

i agree. i suppose everything comes full circle. broken relationships have the chance to mend. broken hearts, in time, will heal. bad decisions can be undone. well, not all the time. but no matter how many wrong turns we make, God can always lead us back on track. we may not be able to go back to where we started.. but He is able to create new paths that will bring us to our destination safely. with a few detours and some 'colorful adventures' to boot :p

it gives me great assurance to know that He is in charge of my life. that my failures, as well as my triumphs, can all be used to make me a better person. that my mistakes, in His hand, can be turned into wonderful lessons. and that my hurts and fears can help to mold me into the kind of person He wants me to be.

we may have chosen to walk different paths. and now our roads meet again. while we no longer walk hand in hand, i'm glad the Lord brought us together again.. to walk side by side :) thank God He made the earth round :)

Birthdays & Celebrations

these past days were all about parties and all sorts of celebrations. three of my friends celebrated their birthday last week. needless to say, i found myself pigging out.. going from one party to the next. hahaha. three consecutive celebrations. hmm. birthdays and festivities. do they always go hand in hand?

i'm suddenly reminded about my most recent birthday. it wasn't eventful.. but it certainly was memorable. it wasn't exactly what i'd call joyful or 'celebratory.' but it was special. no, i didn't get all my birthday wishes. at the time, i was heartbroken and i had a lot of burdens that weighed heavily on my mind. i had no extravagant party. still, in spite of these, my birthday was a true moment of grace. the Lord made me feel the love of so many people in the midst of loneliness and a deep sense of loss.

why do we celebrate birthdays, anyway? why all the fuss and excitement? what if everything seems to be going wrong in life? would there still be reason to celebrate? hmm. i think this quote says it quite well:

"The more you praise and celebrate your life,

the more there is in life to celebrate." -Oprah

i think that birthdays are special, not only because of the festivities. instead, these are occasions when God gives us an additional sprinkling of His grace, an extra helping of wisdom. to have our eyes opened to His countless blessings. to see His continuing work in our lives, and to marvel at His perfect plan for us Ü so that in the end, we end up satisfied.. not because we get what we want, but because we realize that we have Him.. and He is more than enough Ü

yes.. there really are so many reasons to celebrate life, love and the Lord Ü not just on birthdays.. but everyday Ü

On Weddings

Last week, two of our friends in the community got married. I was fortunate enough to attend their wedding, along with a few other friends. And it was one of the best weddings I’ve ever gone to..

The wedding last Friday was really special. The venue was wonderful (Fernwood Gardens certainly lives up to its name)! The St. Francis Chapel was a very intimate setting for the marriage ceremony, and Fr. Mar gave an inspired homily. And of course, the food at the reception was delicious! After dinner, we were all so stuffed, I think we gained a couple of pounds just eating the yummy dessert (loved that chocolate fountain!).

Ok, so going to the wedding was a real treat for me. But it wasn't just the venue and the food that made it so special. I guess this wedding was meaningful for me because it's the first one I've attended since *the* breakup. At first, I thought I'd feel sad or bitter.. but I'm glad I proved myself wrong about that :)

As i looked at the couple at the altar.. I honestly felt happy and hopeful for them. Happy because in this world where most people view commitment, faithfulness and love with cynicism, it's heartwarming to know that there still are those who are willing to 'take the plunge' so to speak. Hopeful because I truly wish them all the best in life :) Not just because they are friends.. but also because a lasting marriage serves as a shining example to all those who hope for the same in life.

I don't know if I will ever walk down the aisle (hehe) At this point, at least I can honestly say I'm not ready for that. [lack of a 'prince charming' isn't the only reason, hehe.. but that's another story altogether] Someday, *maybe*.. but I'm not rushing. For now, i'm just really grateful that I can be happy.. that I can celebrate with my friends. I feel privileged to share in their joys.. and to pray with them for a marriage filled with God's blessings.

Weddings and other special occasions. Hmm. They may not be mine.. but I really am glad that God sends me friends.. so that through them I may celebrate these special days.. and truly smile :)

CROSSROADS

"To be or not to be.. That is the question" So goes the famous shakespearian line. Hmm. Decisions, decisions. In life, we can never escape choices. Every waking moment is full of decisions to make. From the trivial to the life-changing.. From the mundane to the totally earth-shaking ones. Choices are all around us.

Some choices are "easy" because there are no right or wrong decisions. Like what color of shirt to wear, or what route to take going to work, or what brand of cereal to eat for breakfast. We are almost not aware of our decisions here because our choices in these matters do not affect our life in major ways. [note: a few people *do* have a difficult time choosing their cereal brands or their attire for the day - probably because of the sheer number of choices. But this is more an exception rather than the rule]

But not all "easy" decisions are trivial. Sometimes, we are able to choose immediately simply because there are no other options available to us. A girl can easily fall for a guy if he's her only suitor. A person will probably take a so-so job offer if it's the only company willing to hire him. These "choices" are the ones that leave a semi-bitter taste in the mouth. Because they are not actually *our* decisions to make.. Rather, circumstances help to force our hand into taking the only available option.

And then there are *the* choices. The ones that lie solely in our hands. Whose consequences may change the course of our lives. And the ones that require every ounce of our mind/heart/soul to make. Built in every one of us is a sensor that recognizes these 'earth-shaking' decisions. And it causes us to stop and think. And think. And think.. Before we even make a step towards choosing our path.

We consider a myriad factors. We think about morals - what is right and wrong. We determine whether it will make us comfortable or uneasy. We weigh our priorities.. and ask ourselves the tradeoffs we are willing to take. We try to see a bit farther into the future.. to consider possible consequences of our actions.. and in case of problems, possible solutions and ways of escape. Bottom line: when making these decisions, our mind goes into hyperdrive.

We all come to crossroads in our lives, at one point or another. A time of confusion, uncertainty and yes, sometimes fear and anxiety. Like this New Year. A moment of crossing the threshold between the past and the future. Should we get rid of the old, in order to usher in the new? Do we continue to hope for a better life in this country or should we seek greener pastures? What changes should we make in our lives and in our families? Hmm. These are just some questions that make us think.. and sometimes, worry. Questions that make us aware of the crossroads in our lives.

But these are CROSSroads. That realization alone should point to us where to go. And this New Year, perhaps we can all profit from this advice: the best way to make those life-changing decisions is to lay everything at the foot of His cross..where hopefully, the mind, heart and spirit will see, not darkness or confusion, but His Guiding Light.

black & white

Question: how do you turn white into black?

Answer: one black drop at a time

if you have a drum of white paint, and you pour in a whole can of black paint and mix it, you'd definitely notice the change from white to grey.. or near-black.

but try to mix in the black paint one drop at a time. you'd hardly ever notice any change. your eyes wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the original white.. and one that's 1/1000 shade darker.

Question: so how do you turn black to white?

Answer: you don't. only God can

"..wash me, and I will be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:7

new year. new beginnings. old sins are washed away, and the slate has been wiped clean. a fresh start. ahhh. isn't it great how the red blood of Jesus cleans away our blackness and turns us snow white? Ü