Broken Bread

“As bread that is broken, use our lives

As wine that is poured out, a living sacrifice

Empower us Father to share the love of Christ

As bread that is broken, Lord

Use our lives...”

I listened to these lines from a favorite song. I haven’t heard them for quite some time.. but the words came to mind after the praise & worship last Wednesday. Broken bread. I do not know why, but there is something poignantly beautiful about being broken. Even God seems to favor broken people.

For the past weeks, a number of friends have been coming to me with various concerns. I’d listen patiently to them as they tell me about all sorts of problems - from failed exams to breakups and shaky relationships to death in the family to unwanted pregnancy. As I offer my shoulder to cry on, I feel my heart go out to them. I feel their brokenness and their pain.. how hope seems to be out of reach. And as I try to console them, I am made aware of my own brokenness.. my own sense of hopelessness and despair. How could I possibly help these friends of mine when deep inside, I know that I am just as broken.. if not more broken than they are? Do I even have the right to minister to them?

I am not perfect. I am not even good. Often, when I look at myself, I see a person who struggles to do what is right.. but oftentimes fails. I see a wounded girl trying to convince herself that she has worth in spite of her mistakes.. in spite of her numerous shortcomings. When I examine my thoughts, I am both amazed and appalled at the diversity of beliefs and convictions that I see. I find that who I want to be and who I actually am are two totally different people. And I remember that famous verse in Rom 7:18-19: "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing." Ouch. That is so like me.

Out of frustration, many times, I question whether it's worth it to even try to do what's right. I ask myself why I should even bother to do the right thing when everyone else seems to do otherwise. It's so hard to struggle.. so difficult to die to one’s self. Old habits are hard to unlearn. So are old ways of thinking. Soon, despair and hopelessness set in. Unworthy and broken. That’s how I often feel.

I had all these thoughts in my mind since last week. And last Friday, the day before the Service Recommitment Recollection, I cried and prayed fervently before God. I was having second thoughts about attending the seminar. I was lonely and terribly confused. I wanted to serve Him but I felt so unworthy. Everytime I looked at myself, I hated what I saw. Nevertheless, I decided to go the Recommitment Seminar; and hoped that the Lord would have answers for me.

And He did. One thing that I will remember about the seminar is this statement that Fr. Mar said: God does not call able people. Instead, He enables the people He calls. Yes, I am broken. And yes, a lot of times I have stumbled. I may feel unworthy and unprepared. But all these do not matter. What is important is that I am willing to heed His call to service. A simple “Yes” from me and the Lord will graciously empower me.. so that I may do His work with Him.

Being broken isn't always a bad thing. In fact, it is a necessary step in following the Lord. Without the struggle, without the pain.. we will always tell ourselves that it is by our strength that we overcome. Without the tears that come from our sorrows, without the scars caused by our sins, without the evidence of our woundedness, we will always think ourselves better than we really are. Without being broken.. without being poured out.. we will only be able to look down upon others "more sinful" than we are.

Broken and humbled. I would not have it any other way. For I know that in His time, God will make me whole once more. "As bread that is broken, Lord, use our lives.."