I Can

It's funny. When I started out in Rivers, I always had the feeling that I had a lot to offer to the community. I was excited to attend all the activities - ministry meetings, bible study sessions, cell group sessions.. name it, I'm there. I was eager to be a part of all that Rivers had to offer. My prayer life was great, too. Every morning I'd have my quiet time.. and then again at night. I had a "prayer diary" where I would tell God everything that went on in the day. I was happy in the community.. and I was so in love with the Lord.

This stage lasted all of five years. After that.. well, things sort of.. broke up into pieces, bit by bit. I made a lot of friends.. and lost some, too. I experienced disappointment and frustration with the very same brothers and sisters with whom i've been working. It became easier to stop attending the activities of the community. I also experienced spiritual dryness for the first time. Most of the time, I end up frustrated after I utter my prayers. It was as if God hid Himself from me. I was confused.. and lonely. The 'honeymoon' stage of my christian walk was over.

In his talk last Saturday at the workers' retreat, fr. Phil estrella discussed the different stages of spiritual development. One thing I remember in particular is when he said that we all go through the stage of 'first fervor' - the time of our life when we feel so in love with the Lord. This, however, lasts only for a short while. after that, we undergo what is called the 'waning' stage - the time when we first start to doubt.. when God keeps silent.. when we stop feeling so "high" during services.. and when our spiritual exercises seem to do us no good at all. Unfortunately, according to fr. Phil, the waning stage can last as long as 25 years or more.

As soon as I heard him say this, I understood that everything I have gone through.. and everything that I still am going through at this moment.. is meant to help me grow in my spiritual walk. So the honeymoon is over. Well.. that's great! That means I can now learn to love God more deeply.. and with more meaning. It means I can praise Him and thank Him even when He is silent.. and even when life just seems to suck. And more importantly, it means that this phase, no matter how long it may last, is just that - a phase. It will pass.. eventually :

"What took you so long to make me see how lucky I am 'cause I am free.. free to do things I wanna do? What took you so long to make me cry.. so I will know the reason why I'm so lucky I can smile?"

Yes, I am free to do the things I want to do. Free to cry, free to doubt, free to experience pain. But I'm also free to laugh, free to believe, and free to worship in a God Whom I know will always be there with me in my 'waning' moments.. and I know, with Him around.. I can do everything He wants me to ü