speechless

“we don’t always understand what Your perfect will demands. but we’ve learned to trust You more.. in Your presence Lord..”

so goes the song. i’ve sung those lines countless times in different LSS classes. but tonight, as i write this article, the song takes on much more significance.

i just came home from the wake of bro. ogie reyes, where fr. mar celebrated the mass. i have to admit.. i went to the wake because i had questions. a lot of them. bro. ogie’s death made me ask a lot of things - about God, about faith, about despair, about forgiveness, about mercy.

as a music minister, i’ve gone to a lot of these gatherings. we are often asked to sing at wakes of relatives of community members. personally, i go to those wakes for 3 main reasons: to condole with the bereaved family; to give moral/emotional support to them, along with other community members; and to join them in celebrating the life of a person who has lived for the Lord.

but tonight was different. like i said, i went to bro. ogie’s wake because i had questions. and i wanted answers. i wanted to hear what fr. mar had to say about dying in such a manner. i wanted to know what depth of despair would drive a person to end his life. i wanted to know how someone i (and many other people) looked up to for strength, hope and guidance could hide such tremendous pain and sorrow. i wanted to find out if God would be there for me if ever i find myself in such a desperate situation.

tonight’s wake was unlike any i’ve previously served in. the atmosphere was so different. the feeling i got as i entered the room was one of bewilderment. it was as if most of the people there mirrored the questions i had inside me. there was a feeling of hurt.. of betrayal.. of pain.. of really deep sorrow.

i did not know bro. ogie personally. to me, he was a good speaker.. a person who gave funny yet enlightening talks about God and life. all i knew about him was that he served the Lord and spread the Good News. like i said, i did not really know bro. ogie. but his death shook me in a surprisingly big way. and i guess it had the same effect on the other people who were present at his wake, as well.

when fr. mar gave his homily, you could almost hear a pin drop. everyone was quiet. everyone was listening intently. because he voiced out the unspoken question i suppose each one of us asked: “why, bro. ogie.? why?!”

and fr. mar talked about faith. and despair. and mercy. and forgiveness. and confusion. and sorrow. and resurrection. and pain. and easter. deep things. many things.

but mostly, he talked about questions. deep questions. like “why, bro. ogie? why?!”

and fr. mar said, “after 23 years of being a priest, i have to say, i still do not know the answer.”

and i felt like crying. because i had so many questions and i had no answers. and in front of me were the ashes of a man of God.. whom we drew strength and hope from. and i was looking at a priest i so admired.. openly admitting that he had no answers to give..

..except this: fr. mar said that of one thing he is sure. that the God bro. ogie preached about is the still the God in control of the storms in our lives. sailing with the Lord may not guarantee calm seas and smooth waters; but it does guarantee that our boat will not sink.

i still have a lot of questions. i still do not understand a lot of things. but listening to fr. mar’s homily tonight gave me consolation.. and hope, too. because i found out it’s ok to feel hurt and pain and sorrow. it’s ok to not always have the answers. it’s ok to say “i don’t know.” it’s ok to sometimes be shocked speechless.

we just have to keep sailing.. no matter how rough the waters may be. because even though people may fail us.. or hurt us, the Rock of our salvation never will. and in this crazy world, we need the strength and stability only He could give..

cicada song

yesterday morning, in tagaytay, i woke up to a not-so-familiar sound. it was a sound that's not often heard in the city. at first, i thought it was the noise of a motor-powered grass cutter; but it sounded different. it was more high-pitched.. and it came from all around the grounds. it was the music of cicadas in the early morning :)

i'm not a big insect-lover (i am extremely terrified of a lot of bugs - cockroaches being #1 in my list). but i was quite intrigued with the cicadas.. and how they could make sounds that can really make you stop and pay attention. so i did a bit of research when i got home.. and this is what i found (courtesy of wikipedia):

Cicadas are the most efficient and loudest sound-producing insects in the world. Conversely, some small species have songs so high in pitch that the noise is inaudible to humans. Only the males resound as a mating ritual to attract a female and many cicada species tend to gather when calling which increases the total volume of noise. Species have different mating songs to ensure they attract the appropriate mate.

Cicadae are unique in sound-producing insects in that they have a musical drum in their abdomen. The organs that produce sound are ‘tymbals' ~ paired membranes that are ribbed and located at the abdominal base. Contracting the internal tymbal muscles yield a pulse of sound as the tymbals buckle inwards. As these muscles relax, the tymbals return to their original position. The interior of the male abdomen is substantially hollow to amplify the resonance of the sound. The song intensity of the louder cicadas acts as an effective bird repellent. Males of many species tend to gather which net a greater sound intensity and engenders protection from avian predators.

In addition to the mating song, many species also have a distinct distress call, usually a somewhat broken and erratic sound emitted when an individual is seized. A number of species also have a courtship song, which is often a quieter call and is produced after a female has been drawn by the calling song.

wow. talk about a music-making bug-wonder of nature! :) the sounds they make enable them to send for help.. fend off enemies and even find themselves a mate!!

just think.. if God gifted the lowly cicadas with the ability to create songs.. imagine what He has blessed us with! :) He's given us voices.. not just to communicate with our fellowmen.. but to be able to thank, praise and worship Him! He gave some the talent to compose music.. to others, the talent to sing songs. some, He enabled to proclaim His Word. Still, to others, He gave His gift of teaching.

brothers and sisters, no matter what talent He has blessed you with, know this: God gave you the power to make others stop and pay attention :) so that you can minister to His people. so that you can make a difference.

like the cicadas, let's sing out loud our praise to the Creator. and soon, the world just might pause and listen to His Word :)

the day God kept me company

I Simply Live For You

Words and music by Russell Fragar

Say the word and I will sing for You

Over oceans deep, I will follow

If each star was a song, and every breath of wind, praise

It would still fail by far to say all my heart contains

I simply live, I simply live for You

As the glory of Your presence now fills this place

In worship we will see You face to face,

There is nothing in this world to which You can be compared

Glory on glory, praise upon praise

You bind the broken hearted and save all my tears

And by Your Word, You set the captives free,

There is nothing in this world that You cannot do

I simply live, I simply live for You

* * *

i listen to this song as i am writing this article. i am here in tagaytay.. spending the weekend with family and friends. i am enjoying the breathtaking view, the wonderfully cool weather and the beautiful fruit-bearing trees and gorgeous flowers. for the past few hours, i've been trying to write something.. anything.. for this week's newsletter. in fact, i've started about 5 or 6 articles (on various topics, with weird titles like "the view from the back(seat)," "i know what i did this summer," "heaven's scent," "go forth and multiply," "escap(ad)e" and "time's up").. but i shelved them all (or threw them into the trash altogether) 'cause after a paragraph or so, i couldn't find the words to continue any of them. at least, not *yet* :p

so instead of racking my brain to force myself to write, i just took a walk in the grounds. i shot some pictures.. breathed in the fresh air.. admired the view and chatted with friends. i brought along my trusty mp3 player, for a bit of "background music" too, haha. and i heard this song play :)

have you ever experienced being ministered to by God? see, there are times when i can't think of a prayer during my quiet time.. even though i know i want to spend time with God. and there are moments (like today) when i want to do something for Him.. but my mind is so distracted and unfocused that i couldn't think clearly. then.. just when i'm at the point of getting *too* irritated by my own distractedness, He nudges me and reminds me to "be still and know that I am God." (ps 46:10)

and you know what? when i do allow myself to be still, that's when i *hear* what i am supposed to pray :) at first, i found it weird. i thought prayer (and worship, for that matter) was about me telling the Lord the things i want to tell Him. but by being quiet, i learned that it's much, much more than that.

prayer/worship is about listening to Him! God isn't just Someone Who listens to me. He's also my Teacher :) He teaches me how to worship by opening my eyes to the wonders of His creation. He lets me hear the inspiring songs made by His children especially for Him.. then opens my heart so that my own voice joins theirs in worship. and He lets me discover the warmth of fellowship, as well as the beauty of solitude :)

lately, i discovered something about God. you know what? He is sooooo talkative! :p it's true! He's not loud, though. He speaks to me in sweet and soft whispers.. pointing out "tiny miracles" as they unfold before me :) i'd look at the trees and He'd ask me "what do you think of the flowers I made? do you like them?". i'd eat a pineapple and He'd tell me "see how sweet it tastes? I made it especially for you..". i'd gaze up at the stars at night and He'd whisper "I know how much you love stars.. so I made them twinkle just a bit brighter tonight..". when i was aching for a bit of rain, He'd tell me "ok, I'm going to let the clouds give you a soft shower later on so you can enjoy the raindrops fall". all through the day, God kept me company. and He kept talking! He went on and on about how happy He was.. and how good it is to finally be able to talk to me, haha. and i'd just give a nod here.. or say "yes, God, You're right.. that *was* a sweet pineapple.." or something like that. i wasn't really able to get in as many words as i wanted to.

but you know what? i think that's exactly how he wanted it to be :)

open up

“when the student is ready, the teacher will come.” -old buddhist proverb

serving in the lss has always been one of my favorite duties in the ministry. i get to sing worship songs. i get a first glimpse at the new graduates. i refresh my mind while listening to the different talks. and i am able to relive my own lss experience 11 years ago ü

it was april 1996 when i attended my first life in the spirit seminar. that year, it was held during the lenten season (black saturday & easter sunday). honestly, i went to the lss only because my parents asked me to. and because i had nothing better to do. at the time, i was literally a nominal catholic. i did not like going to mass. i did not go to the blessed sacrament. i did not even know any of the standard prayers.

it’s not that i was not interested in god at all. on the contrary, i spent a lot of my college years searching for him. i read the bible. i joined christian organizations that held regular cell group meetings. i went to church services with my baptist friends. i prayed.

i learned a lot about god during those years. until now, i can still remember the lessons our youth pastor discussed during our bible study sessions. but i found myself somewhat frustrated. in my friends, i could see the fire.. the zeal.. the enthusiasm for god’s word. i wanted that, too. but it was so elusive. no matter how hard i tried to study his word and learn more about him, i could not feel myself matching their zeal for the lord.

so after years of actively searching for god, i gave up. i vividly remember telling him (not without some bitterness), “i give up. i’ve looked for you everywhere. i’ve tried my best to get to know you. i did what i could to study you and be closer to you. nothing worked. so maybe you’re not for me. maybe you choose to show yourself only to my friends. so i give up. and if you want me to get to know you, you’d just have to make the move.. ‘coz i really can’t think of anything else i can do to get close to you.”

i believe that was my most honest prayer ever. and would you believe it.. not long after that, i found myself there at megamall.. attending the rivers lss (it used to be held at the megatrade hall). i was skeptical and uncomfortable. i wasn’t sure what to expect. i did not want to expect anything (lest i be disappointed again).

my lss experience was uneventful. no earth-shaking moments for me. hindi ako natumba nung anointing. i don’t remember crying or feeling emotional. my heart didn’t leap with joy after the seminar. i thought nothing had changed.

but i was wrong.

because just when i grew tired of chasing after god.. when i despaired of ever becoming closer to him.. that’s when he introduced himself to me. gently. slowly. tenderly ü i got to know him more intimately as i served in the ministry.. as i attended the prayer meetings and the various community activities. he would talk to me in my private time. and i learned to love him passionately ü

and he has been sustaining me all these years. oh, i know he still isn’t finished with me. i still have so much to learn about him. i still have a long way to go in my walk.

but i now know this: he never gives up on us. even when we give up on him. the lord is always there with us.. patiently waiting until we are ready for him. and then he comes.

and our lives are never the same again ü

with all i am

as i write this piece, i look ruefully at my index finger. tsk tsk. i wonder if i’d be able to get rid of this indelible ink by tomorrow.. ü

elections in this country trigger so many different responses in us. there are those who spend months diligently checking the backgrounds and track records of each candidate. there are those who love to go into debates over who should get voted in and who should get “booted out.” some campaign nonstop for their candidates of choice. some even kill for politics.

and there are also those who simply do not care.

they are those who sell their votes.. cast their ballots without thinking.. or do not even bother to register at all. whether out of frustration, disillusionment, cynicism or apathy.. some people just choose not to give “this election stuff” importance.

* * *

last saturday, i was blessed to have attended a music ministry workshop sponsored by creative house (with bros. arun gogna & alvin barcelona and sis. rissa singson as speakers). they gave lots of practical advice for those who, like the 350+ of us who attended, are serving as music/worship ministers. they discussed different techniques we could use when singing/playing instruments - how to choose songs for worship.. proper stances when leading worship and other useful tips.

but what really blessed me in that seminar was bro. alvin’s talk called “giving my all as a music minister.” using 1chronicles as his text, he expounded on the importance.. the immense privilege of serving God through our ministry.

and bro. alvin said something that *really* stuck to me: giving your all should *cost* you.

i used to think that the love offerings, the practice hours, the attendance in various community activities were enough proof of my loyal service to God. but one thing i realized during the seminar is this: being in ministry does NOT automatically mean that one is serving the Lord. true service entails more than just attending activities, obeying rules or fulfilling assigned tasks. it requires sacrifice. it requires involvement. and true involvement is always costly. because true involvement is never without heart.

* * *

as members of this community.. and as citizens of this country, i’m sure we each have our own list of things to gripe about. it’s so easy to complain.. so easy to blame others.. so easy to be indifferent.

but if we truly love the Lord, then there is no room for apathy in our hearts.

in my life you`ve heard me say i love You. how do i show you it`s true? hear my heart, it longs for more of you.. i`ve fallen deeply in love with you.. (hillsong united, “deeply in love”)

how do we love our Lord? by loving others. by never giving up on people. by continuing to offer our sacrifices of praise & worship. by fulfilling our duties to the church and the country with a cheerful heart. by being involved. and by trusting that He will bless our humble offerings.. because they were given with a cheerful and loving heart.

jesus i believe in you. jesus i belong to you. you’re the reason that i live.. the reason that i sing with all i am

may all of us may be able to sing this line as our own prayer from the heart ü God bless

the child within

“ma’am open notes na lang itong test.. pleeease?!?”

“ma’am ang hirap naman ng exam..”

“ma’am taasan niyo ang partial points ha?”

“ma’am extend natin deadline ng problem set..”

hmm. 8.30am and *this* is the “good morning” greeting i get from my class. hahaha. you’re probably imagining a classroom full of whiny, bratty teeners who were not able to study well for their test. would you believe me if i told you that this morning’s exam takers were my graduate students - most of whom are 35+ years old?! hahaha. they’re not whiny nor bratty. my students were not childish. just child-like, i guess ü

after this morning’s incident, i realized that we all have moments when we do not act our age. no matter how “mature” or “dignified” we would like to think we are, there are always those times when we’re caught off-guard. when we have to admit to ourselves that we’re not as strong nor as independent as we’d like to be. we realize we need a listening ear.. a hand to hold.. a shoulder to cry on. and it’s during those moments when, aside from the Lord, we find solace and comfort in that special someone in our lives - our mothers ü

three decades of living on this planet has allowed me to accomplish some things. like earning academic degrees, landing a good job, learning how to drive, make friends and serve the community. i’ve also learned quite a few valuable lessons along the way. lessons on love and hurt.. and a lot of things in between. i’ve had people look down on me.. while others looked up to me for help and guidance. i’ve gone through lots of trials.. but i’ve also experienced triumphs and victories along the way. in short, like a lot of you, i’ve lived an adult life for quite a number of years already.

yet now as i type this piece, i hear my mom’s voice from downstairs, reminding me, “anak, baba ka na dito. kumain ka muna bago ka pumunta sa klase mo..” hmm. and then later, i’m sure she’ll tell me again (as she *always* does, before i go), “o, mukhang mainit.. may dala ka bang payong?” and then of course, just as i’m about to leave, “mag-iingat ka ha.. God bless (puts the sign of the cross on my forehead). text mo ‘ko kapag nandun ka na sa school..” it’s a daily summer ritual that mom and i have. it makes me feel like a kid. it makes me feel a tad bit embarrassed. but it makes me feel loved. and special ü

saying that my mom has stood by me through thick and thin is an understatement. she’s seen me through so many confusing moments (definitely too many to mention), listened to countless rants & raves and taken my side everytime someone hurts me. all these years, mom has always been there - wiping away tears, sharing secrets, offering advice, providing my needs.. and sometimes even announcing to the entire world how proud she is of my accomplishments ü

my mom isn’t great. she’s phenomenal ü and among all the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me, she is most definitely one of the best ü happy mother’s day, mom. i love you ü