open up

“when the student is ready, the teacher will come.” -old buddhist proverb

serving in the lss has always been one of my favorite duties in the ministry. i get to sing worship songs. i get a first glimpse at the new graduates. i refresh my mind while listening to the different talks. and i am able to relive my own lss experience 11 years ago ü

it was april 1996 when i attended my first life in the spirit seminar. that year, it was held during the lenten season (black saturday & easter sunday). honestly, i went to the lss only because my parents asked me to. and because i had nothing better to do. at the time, i was literally a nominal catholic. i did not like going to mass. i did not go to the blessed sacrament. i did not even know any of the standard prayers.

it’s not that i was not interested in god at all. on the contrary, i spent a lot of my college years searching for him. i read the bible. i joined christian organizations that held regular cell group meetings. i went to church services with my baptist friends. i prayed.

i learned a lot about god during those years. until now, i can still remember the lessons our youth pastor discussed during our bible study sessions. but i found myself somewhat frustrated. in my friends, i could see the fire.. the zeal.. the enthusiasm for god’s word. i wanted that, too. but it was so elusive. no matter how hard i tried to study his word and learn more about him, i could not feel myself matching their zeal for the lord.

so after years of actively searching for god, i gave up. i vividly remember telling him (not without some bitterness), “i give up. i’ve looked for you everywhere. i’ve tried my best to get to know you. i did what i could to study you and be closer to you. nothing worked. so maybe you’re not for me. maybe you choose to show yourself only to my friends. so i give up. and if you want me to get to know you, you’d just have to make the move.. ‘coz i really can’t think of anything else i can do to get close to you.”

i believe that was my most honest prayer ever. and would you believe it.. not long after that, i found myself there at megamall.. attending the rivers lss (it used to be held at the megatrade hall). i was skeptical and uncomfortable. i wasn’t sure what to expect. i did not want to expect anything (lest i be disappointed again).

my lss experience was uneventful. no earth-shaking moments for me. hindi ako natumba nung anointing. i don’t remember crying or feeling emotional. my heart didn’t leap with joy after the seminar. i thought nothing had changed.

but i was wrong.

because just when i grew tired of chasing after god.. when i despaired of ever becoming closer to him.. that’s when he introduced himself to me. gently. slowly. tenderly ü i got to know him more intimately as i served in the ministry.. as i attended the prayer meetings and the various community activities. he would talk to me in my private time. and i learned to love him passionately ü

and he has been sustaining me all these years. oh, i know he still isn’t finished with me. i still have so much to learn about him. i still have a long way to go in my walk.

but i now know this: he never gives up on us. even when we give up on him. the lord is always there with us.. patiently waiting until we are ready for him. and then he comes.

and our lives are never the same again ü