speechless

“we don’t always understand what Your perfect will demands. but we’ve learned to trust You more.. in Your presence Lord..”

so goes the song. i’ve sung those lines countless times in different LSS classes. but tonight, as i write this article, the song takes on much more significance.

i just came home from the wake of bro. ogie reyes, where fr. mar celebrated the mass. i have to admit.. i went to the wake because i had questions. a lot of them. bro. ogie’s death made me ask a lot of things - about God, about faith, about despair, about forgiveness, about mercy.

as a music minister, i’ve gone to a lot of these gatherings. we are often asked to sing at wakes of relatives of community members. personally, i go to those wakes for 3 main reasons: to condole with the bereaved family; to give moral/emotional support to them, along with other community members; and to join them in celebrating the life of a person who has lived for the Lord.

but tonight was different. like i said, i went to bro. ogie’s wake because i had questions. and i wanted answers. i wanted to hear what fr. mar had to say about dying in such a manner. i wanted to know what depth of despair would drive a person to end his life. i wanted to know how someone i (and many other people) looked up to for strength, hope and guidance could hide such tremendous pain and sorrow. i wanted to find out if God would be there for me if ever i find myself in such a desperate situation.

tonight’s wake was unlike any i’ve previously served in. the atmosphere was so different. the feeling i got as i entered the room was one of bewilderment. it was as if most of the people there mirrored the questions i had inside me. there was a feeling of hurt.. of betrayal.. of pain.. of really deep sorrow.

i did not know bro. ogie personally. to me, he was a good speaker.. a person who gave funny yet enlightening talks about God and life. all i knew about him was that he served the Lord and spread the Good News. like i said, i did not really know bro. ogie. but his death shook me in a surprisingly big way. and i guess it had the same effect on the other people who were present at his wake, as well.

when fr. mar gave his homily, you could almost hear a pin drop. everyone was quiet. everyone was listening intently. because he voiced out the unspoken question i suppose each one of us asked: “why, bro. ogie.? why?!”

and fr. mar talked about faith. and despair. and mercy. and forgiveness. and confusion. and sorrow. and resurrection. and pain. and easter. deep things. many things.

but mostly, he talked about questions. deep questions. like “why, bro. ogie? why?!”

and fr. mar said, “after 23 years of being a priest, i have to say, i still do not know the answer.”

and i felt like crying. because i had so many questions and i had no answers. and in front of me were the ashes of a man of God.. whom we drew strength and hope from. and i was looking at a priest i so admired.. openly admitting that he had no answers to give..

..except this: fr. mar said that of one thing he is sure. that the God bro. ogie preached about is the still the God in control of the storms in our lives. sailing with the Lord may not guarantee calm seas and smooth waters; but it does guarantee that our boat will not sink.

i still have a lot of questions. i still do not understand a lot of things. but listening to fr. mar’s homily tonight gave me consolation.. and hope, too. because i found out it’s ok to feel hurt and pain and sorrow. it’s ok to not always have the answers. it’s ok to say “i don’t know.” it’s ok to sometimes be shocked speechless.

we just have to keep sailing.. no matter how rough the waters may be. because even though people may fail us.. or hurt us, the Rock of our salvation never will. and in this crazy world, we need the strength and stability only He could give..