naked

“when the music fades, all is stripped away and i simply come.. longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless Your heart” (heart of worship)

last wednesday, the leaders of the community participated in a eucharistic celebration with special rites for installation. we were asked to write on a piece of paper our answer to one simple question: “what are you willing to give up in service to the Lord?”

it was a deceptively simple question. the more i thought about it, the more i realized that answering it required two things of me: (1) i had to know what God wanted me to surrender; and (2) i had to be willing to give it up.

fr. bobby, in his homily, mentioned that as leaders, we would be the first to die. ok, probably not literally.. but i get his point. the call to leadership is not a “promotion” as the worldwould see it. true, it is a privilege.. but it comes with a price, too. it means dying to ourselves every day. it means being subject to authority. it means serving with humility. it means giving not just dutifully but cheerfully. it means going beyond what is asked of us. it means being more understanding.. more compassionate.. more forgiving.. more caring.. more loving.

i remember thinking once, “Lord, how could You expect this of me? i don’t think i can do this..” and it’s true. i can’t do it. i can’t be this super-cheerful, sunshiny girl overnight. i can’t learn everything i’m supposed to do in one sitting. i can’t, all of a sudden, be not tired nor grumpy when work piles up. i am weak. i am imperfect. i am unworthy.

and i am called. and i said yes.

and because i did, it doesn’t matter that i can’t do it. God will help me out. and together, we can do it :)

it is said that when God wants to bless you, He first separates you from that which you most hold dear. He continues to tear away.. to cut.. to chip off your attachments.. until everything is stripped away. and you are left with nothing. until you are utterly naked before Him.

and then He will restore. and give back all that He has “taken away” from you. until He has filled you up. until you are utterly blessed.

i admit. it is a scary thought. and more than half the time i feel like i’m not ready for it. but it is my heart’s desire. and i know He will be there to walk with me.. every step of the way :)

Ano Ba ang Meron sa Music Ministry?

18 years old ako nung sumali ako sa music ministry. Bagong member lang ako ng Rivers noon.. wala pang isang taon sa community (iba pa ang mga rules dati eh.. halata bang sobrang tagal na nun?! haha!) Pero dahil mahilig akong kumanta, naisip kong sumali sa choir.

Mula sa audition.. hanggang sa pag-attend ng mga practice.. at sa pagkanta-kanta sa misa at prayer meeting.. lagi akong may kaba noon. Pakiramdam ko lahat ng mga kasama ko ang galing-galing magtanda ng tono.. at confident nang kumanta sa mic.. tapos ayun ako, hindi man lang mailakas ang boses.

Pero unti-unti, naging at home naman ako sa music ministry. Naenjoy ko ang practices at nagkaroon ng mga close friends sa ministry. Natutunan kong bigyan ng halaga ang disiplina - mula sa pagdadala ng required na recorder/tape, lyrics/clearbook hanggang sa pagdating nang maaga sa practice.

May mga bagay rin akong nadiskubre tungkol sa sarili ko habang nagse-serve ako sa loob ng music ministry. Nalaman ko na mabilis pala akong mag-memorize ng mga kanta. Nae-enjoy ko pala mag-type at mag-file ng mga lyrics. At kaya ko rin palang i-appreciate ‘yung kakaibang tono na pinapakanta sa aming mga alto, hehe :p

Sa mga taong inilagi ko sa music ministry, natural lang na hindi panay saya na lang ang pinagdaanan ko. May mga nakatampuhan ako.. nakasigawan.. naiyakan.. kinainisan. Pero matapos ang 12 years, nandito pa rin ako. Hindi nagsasawa at hindi napapagod.

Bakit? Siguro kasi masasabi ko na dito sa ministry na ito ako nag-grow nang husto. ‘Yung mga teachings tungkol sa mga pinagdadaanan sa community.. pakikisama sa mga tao.. commitment.. dedication.. service sa Diyos.. lahat ‘yan na-experience ko sa ministry service. Hindi nga puro sarap at saya. Pero ‘yung mga experience na akala ko sobrang hirap at sobrang masakit.. ngayong natapos na, na-realize ko na ginamit din ni Lord para ma-improve ako :)

So. Ano nga ba ang meron sa music ministry? Saya. Hirap. Pagdidisiplina. Pagsasamahan. Tawanan. Iyakan. Pagsisilbi.

Maraming mga kuwento. Abangan na lamang ang mga susunod pa.. :)

masks

not because of who i am, but because of what You've done. not because of what i've done, but because of who You are.

--who am i (casting crowns)

what’s up with halloween? i mean, what’s the point of dressing up in scary costumes.. trying your best to look frightening or just downright gory? it seems silly to me; especially since no one really gets scared by the monster masks or the jack-o’-lantern. well, at least, no one i know, hehe.

i know what would be *really* scary for me, though. it has nothing to do with ugly monster masks. nope. what’s scarier would be if everyone were to see everyone else totally without their masks.

picture this. you’re walking along the mall and you see an ad featuring this scantily-clothed sexy celebrity.. and you find yourself imagining some not-so-wholesome scenarios in your mind. then suddenly, your thoughts are revealed to everyone standing within 50 feet of you.. including all the lurid details.

or what if, during one prayer meeting, as you smile at your brothers and sisters in the community, you see your “ex-bestfriend” standing in a corner. you trusted her with your deepest, darkest secrets; but you got into a fight. now you’re not even on speaking terms. she sees you.. and suddenly, all her thoughts are broadcast to the entire rivers community. including that one secret that you don’t want anyone else to know.

why are these scenarios scary? because in truth, all of us wear our masks. we try to hide the filth that’s inside us. we put our best foot forward, making sure we look nice on the outside. we try to be polite.. respectable.. pious, even. we want everyone to see that we are good.

but what happens when our masks are torn off? if our dearest, closest friends could see us for *who we really are*.. would they still love us? would they even still like us?

it may be frightening to reveal everything about ourselves to our friends. even to our loved ones. but we need never fear taking off our masks before the One Who already sees us for who we are. He knows our darkest deeds and most secret thoughts.

brothers and sisters, as we strive to know the Lord, let us not be afraid to let Him know our *true* selves too. we do not need masks before Him. He knows *everything* about us. and He loves us just the same :)

that should be the end of all our nightmares :)

one fine day

as i write this article, one word is on my mind. DEATH. no, i am *not* being morbid nor suicidal. it’s just that recent events sort of force the topic on me.. so i have no choice but to think about it more deeply than i normally do.

last sunday, fr. mar in his homily mentioned the passing of their priest, fr. javellana. he described the latter’s suffering, and how fr. javellana’s disease caused his final years to be full of pain and humiliation. tonight, our choir is going to sing at his wake at st. paul.

this weekend, too, a relative of ours finally succumbed to cancer. my dad’s cousin was found to have a brain tumor around two years ago. she was operated on and put on radiation therapy; but there was no cure for her anymore. we witnessed how her condition deteriorated bit by bit. it was sad how we saw her change from this charming lady who would graciously welcome us to her home.. into somebody who could no longer talk, walk or even eat on her own. we will go to her wake in tarlac tomorrow.

then this morning, my mom’s inaanak died. complications arising from diabetes caused her organs to fail, and eventually led to her demise.

death. the great equalizer. it’s ironic how so few of us are preparing for it even though we are sure all of us will one day experience it.

on 01november, most of us will be at the cemeteries to visit the graves of our departed loved ones. the newly-bereaved will shed tears at the tombstones; while others (who have been going to the cemetery for years) will see that day as an opportunity to have a family get-together (complete with merienda, board games and radios, of course!) but i wonder just how many of us will *really* think about death on that day.

“life and love and why.. child, adult, then die. all of your hoping and all of your searching.. for what? ask me for what am i living or what gives me strength that i'm willing to die for“

- switchfoot

someone once said “in order to live life fully, one must constantly be prepared to give it up peacefully.” hmmm. this *does* seem to be a wise saying. because the life we live in this mortal body is only *practice* for the life we will live after we cross death’s threshold. so every day must be a day of preparation for the *real* life the Father prepared for us - an eternity of glory with Him.

and while it is true that death brings fear, grief and sorrow to so many of us, let us take courage and consolation in these words:

“for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Rom 8:38-39

*nothing* separates us from His love :) and hopefully, when it is our turn to cross the threshold, we will no longer be frightened, but relieved. grateful for the end of all our suffering.. and eager for the rewards of a life well-lived.

may that day truly be one fine day for all of us.

written in the stars

“..when i look at my life, how the pieces fall into place.. it just wouldn’t rhyme without You. when i see how my paths seem to end up before Your face.. the state of my heart.. the place where we are was written in the stars..”

some call it fate. others say it’s mere coincidence. nothing but chance. or maybe even luck. but i think otherwise. i’m not a great believer of coincidences. but i do believe in destiny.

i’m a member of the music ministry - an alto, actually. and because we usually do not sing the melody of the song, our tune sounds.. uhm, well.. “out of tune” to most people (at least, di nila masyado halata kapag sintunado kami, hehehe :p). sometimes it’s difficult for me to learn the alto part of a song. often, it doesn’t sound natural. i get distracted because i’m used to hearing only the melody. sometimes the lyrics we sing are different. at other times, we sing in counterpoint. it really could be quite a challenge to learn our part well.

i remember a time when bro rannie was teaching us the harmony of one particular song.. and we altos were having a difficult time learning the piece. we were all wincing as we sang.. unsure of our notes.. uncertain of our timing. we were all looking at each other, thinking “ang pangit-pangit naman nitong kantang ‘to” :p listening to the tenors and basses didn’t change our opinions, either. their parts didn’t sound any better than ours.

so it was such a pleasant surprise for us when *all of us* sang the song together: sopranos, altos, tenors and basses. the song was wonderful! :) individually, our parts sounded stilted.. incomplete. but sung altogether, the music sounded just right :)

i guess the same goes with our lives. we often undergo tough, trying times. we find it difficult to understand why we have to experience pain and hardship. we tell ourselves, “ang pangit-pangit naman nitong sitwasyon ko”.. and we fail to see the lessons we can learn. we look around and all we see are bits and pieces of unfulfilled plans and broken dreams. and we ask God “bakit Mo pinapayagang mangyari ito sa akin?”.. and we say, “if only i did this.. or if only i didn’t do that.. things would have turned out much better”

but like i said, i do not believe in mere coincidences. what i do believe in is a God who knows every twist and turn in our “chaotic” lives. we see failures and dead ends. He sees opportunities and endless possibilities. in His hands, our broken bits and pieces are turned into colorful mosaics. and our seemingly sintunado tunes are all part of this wonderful masterpiece that He Himself composed :)

“but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people set apart, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” 1 peter 2:9

our names are not just written in the stars. they are written in His hands :)

so live life with no regrets! He is in control :)

come around

i’m writing this on a tuesday (when most of the articles/contributions for the newsletter are submitted to us online). it’s almost lunchtime and i still have no article written. usually, i’m done by monday night. this week, though, nothing seems to come to mind.

so i started proofreading and editing the contributions submitted by our brothers and sisters in the community. one wrote about her difficulties as she struggles to belong to the rivers community. someone wrote about praying for her “special someone” while another praised God for sending him the love of his life. hmmm. that gave me an idea what to write about.. :)

when i turned 30 two weeks ago (i still can’t get used to the fact that i’m *this* old, wahahaha!), a lot of people warmly greeted me their birthday wishes. along with the greeting, though, some asked that question most single ladies my age dread to hear: “o ano, may boypren ka na ba? wala pa?! naku, dapat bilisan mo na! kelan ka pa makakapag-asawa niyan? kelan mo pa mabibigyan ng apo ang mommy at daddy mo nyan?” hmmmm. right :)

i still recall how i started writing for this newsletter. it all started with a broken heart that needed a place to express its pain. after writing a couple of articles, i noticed that a lot of other people started sharing their own stories - which were quite similar to mine. i guess they found that they could relate to what i wrote, hehe.

more than a year passed, and i still write (most of my “lonely hearts club” co-members still do, hehe). but not about broken hearts and pain. oh yes, sometimes, i still get lonely and sad. but now it’s different. dishing out my weekly contribution to the newsletter is no longer about venting. rather, it’s becoming aware of how God has been changing me.. healing me all this time, through the rivers community.

i know what sis lulu amo meant when she talked about wanting to leave the community several times. i’ve gone through those moments, myself.. and yet, here i am.. 11 years in the community and still happily serving :)

i can relate with “sleeping beauty” when she prayed for her special someone. hahaha. the Lord knows i’ve done that, too (though i haven’t written anything *remotely* like the letter she wrote. awwww..)

someday, i hope i’d be able to write something like what bro lei wrote. maybe one day i’ll be able to proclaim God’s goodness when He sends me the love of my life :p hmm. well, that has yet to happen.. but who knows, right?! :p

as i read the articles submitted by our brothers and sisters, i can’t help but feel happy. happy that God is faithful. happy that i belong to this rivers community. happy to know that i have brethren who have gone through the trials i’ve experienced.. and have survived.. just like me!

“..am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life? i’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.. unless YOU come around..” (rhett miller)

i was lonely then. but not anymore. “weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (ps 30:5) loneliness doesn’t last forever. sadness won’t be with you all the time. especially not in a community where you have so many brothers and sisters helping you on your Christian walk :)

the Lord continues to be faithful to me. so many people continue to help me in my journey towards God. and in gratitude, i now try to come around for others. nothing grand.. just small gestures: sharing my experiences through this newsletter, inviting a friend over to the LSS, helping out in the ministry, giving tithes/love offerings, etc.

how about you? will you come around? :)

tears in the rain

and i'll praise you in this storm / and i will lift my hands / for You are who You are no matter where i am / and every tear i've cried You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / i will praise You in this storm

- casting crowns

someone once wrote, “the surefire way to determine whether a child has grown up is if he can cry tears of joy.” i didn’t understand it fully at the time i read it; but the quote came to mind when i attended the leaders’ retreat last weekend (27-29oct).

i have a confession to make. when sis nona and sis lau asked me if i was willing to be head of publications, my head screamed “NO!” so it came as a surprise to me when i found myself saying “yes” to them.. after i ran out of reasons for declining the position.

it was difficult for me to accept a leadership post in the community for several reasons. for one thing, i was assigned to head a ministry i knew next to nothing about. sure, i wrote regularly for the newsletter.. knew how to layout and find articles for inclusion. but i didn’t know much about documenting or archiving talks.. or selling books.. or taking inventory of stocks.. or accounting/auditing. i was scared because i didn’t want to mess things up. and i didn’t want to be blamed in case things don’t turn out so well.

but what made it much harder for me was the fact that i’ve already been a head of a ministry several years ago. i *know* what it’s like to be in a leadership position - the countless meetings.. the demands on energy & resources.. the long hours trying to figure out how to make the ministry run more smoothly.. and of course, the intrigues. just remembering how it was for me back then really scared me. leadership, i felt, was a thankless job. and i wasn’t so sure if i was willing to go through all that again.

that was my disposition when i went to the leaders’ retreat. to put it bluntly, napilitan lang ako kasi required pumunta. i thought to myself, hindi ako handa para dito. ni hindi ko nga ginusto ito. marami pang dapat ayusin sa akin.. bakit naman kasi ngayon pa ako pinapag-head?

but as i listened to the different talks by bro chito and msgr rig, i realized one basic truth: there is no one worthy enough to serve the Lord. not me. not my fellow retreat-goers. not even our retreat masters! each of us is a sinner. more than that, however, each of us is an aspiring saint :) and God *wants* us to serve Him.. not because of who we are or what we’ve accomplished in life.. but in spite of who we are - weaknesses and all :)

before the retreat ended, we were all asked to go around.. to embrace our brothers and sisters and make them feel God’s love. it was truly a blessed moment. those who harbored resentment and bitter feelings towards each other, all of a sudden were hugging and crying.. saying “i’m sorry” and “i love you, bro/sis”. the feeling of heaviness.. all the doubt.. the fears.. and everything else that seemed to hold us back from serving the Lord.. all these just melted away as we went around embracing each other :)

now, crying is definitely not one of my talents. but on that day.. at that moment.. i simply could not stop my tears from flowing. but i was not sad. no, not at all. i was happy.. for me, for those who have been enlightened and empowered, and for everyone who has been healed and are ready to serve the Lord.

it was then that i knew the quote was true. the only way for a person to know true joy is for him to understand its price. when we realize the meaning of our suffering.. when we begin to see that our weaknesses serve a purpose.. when we understand that our frailties are used by God to bring us closer to Him.. then, and only then, are we able to rejoice with others to the point of tears.

i am unworthy. but my Lord is Worthy. and He will always be worthy - of my praises, of my love, and of my tears. sunshine or rain. yes, Lord.. always yes :)