Make or Break

“i did my best.. but i guess my best wasn’t good enough..” so goes that famous line of song. and these words have been stuck in my head for the past days.. dampening my otherwise joyous mood.

for the past 9 years, i’ve been teaching mathematics to 4th year students at our school. i’d have to say that i really enjoy handling senior students. not only because i have a special place in my heart for trigonometry and calculus (hehe). i love teaching 4th year kids because they undergo this subtle yet unmistakable transformation when they are about to graduate. each year, i am always surprised to note their metamorphosis from happy-go-lucky teenagers to hopeful, idealistic and expectant youths looking forward to a new life in college.

last week, i gave a removal exam to 8 of our senior students who earned a grade of 4.0 (conditional failure) in math. the test was a make-or-break exam. pass it and they’d graduate. fail it and they’d have to take summer classes at some other school (or stay in our school for another year).

the students (as well as their parents) were all informed of the pass/fail rules of the removal exam. long before their 4th quarter grades were given, we teachers told them of their academic standing. the kids were advised to review well for the exam.. and to do their very best in answering all the questions (every bit of “partial point” helps, after all).

for two grueling hours, i administered the exam to my students. i could see them seated in the room.. sweating profusely.. cursing under their breaths.. scribbling feverishly on their papers. i knew they were having a tough time yet there was nothing i could do. the time for intervention was over - i could no longer help them.

after the test, i checked their papers. 5 of my students passed (barely!). 3 of them did not. and it was just so difficult.. breaking this sad news to them. can you imagine how hard it is for a teacher to tell her student “sorry, hindi ka nakapasa sa removals. wala nang second chance ‘yon.. sorry..”? how can you say to a mother, “misis, sorry po, pero hindi mo makaka-graduate ang anak ninyo ngayong taon..”? what words of comfort can you give to someone who tried his best yet failed? what consolation can you offer to one whose hopes were dashed to bits? i tell the truth. i love being a teacher.. but moments such as these.. well, they simply suck.

and i started thinking.. life is a lot like schooling. you spend years trying to learn the important lessons. you study. you flounder a bit. you bond with friends. you acquire knowledge. you heed advice and ignore some. you decide whether to cheat or not. you try to manage your time (and allowance) wisely. and all the while, you strive to obtain that much-coveted prize: a highschool diploma. a reward for years of toil.. for a job well-done.

and you realize that no matter how many brainy friends you have, in the end, *only you* can determine whether you pass or fail the final test. no one.. not even your parents or your teachers.. can help you. only your years of diligent and faithful learning (and praying) can aid you.

it scares me to think that i may be unprepared when it’s time for the Lord to give me my “make or break” test. there is nothing more frightening for me than to hear Him tearfully say, “I’m sorry.. I’ve done all I could.. I even gave My Son for you.. but you were too stubborn to listen. now it’s too late..” because i know that God has always reached out to me. He has never scrimped on His blessings and guidance. He never held back His love.

so this Lenten season, i strive to do my share. to learn the lessons i’m supposed to learn. to listen more closely to His teachings. to take to heart more seriously all that the Lord wants to tell me. to be more open to His leading and more obedient to His call.

because i don’t want my reward to rest on the result of a “removal exam.” i want to be sure i get my “diploma” when this life is over. and there is no better time to “work out (my) salvation with fear and trembling” (phil 2:12) than now.

Suffering Love

"there is no love that does not pierce the hands and feet. love's exquisite happiness is also love's exquisite pain. i do not seek suffering but there is suffering. it is better not to flinch, not to try and avoid those things in love's direction. it is not easy, this love, but only the impossible is worth the effort." -ali, “the powerbook”

i came across this quote last sunday, as i was reading a novel to while away the time. i’m a sucker for quotes.. and this one really appealed to me so i immediately wrote it down. now, it’s true that the lines came from fiction, but as i re-read it tonight, it also seemed as if the Lord Himself spoke these same words to me.

since saturday i’ve not been feeling well. my throat hurts and i feel like i’m coming down with the flu. i didn’t want to go to work today. i wanted to rest and give myself a chance to recuperate. but this is finals week. the kids will be consulting with me.. some need to take their makeup tests.. others are requesting for review lessons. and so, though my body didn’t want to get out of bed, my mind commanded it to. despite my weak condition, i *had* to go to school. my students depended on me. they needed me to be there. i couldn’t let them down.

i’m sure a lot of people can relate with my situation. sometimes we do things that do not appeal to us. why? maybe out of a sense of duty. or maybe because we want to do what’s right. but today, i realized the Lord is giving us a higher call: offer up your sacrifices for no other reason than love.

like the quote says, love is never easy. it always comes with a price. that’s why we are called to “offer up a sacrifice of praise” (heb 13:15) - because true worship.. true love of God always involves sacrifice. but the pain that comes with the offering is a different kind of pain. it is the kind of pain that cleanses, purifies and heals. and more importantly, it is the kind of pain that eventually perfects our love for our Savior.. and turns it into the kind of love that He has for us.

i am not an easy person to love. and the more i think about it, the more i tell myself that it is soooo impossible for a holy, awesome God to love me so passionately. His love is something i really could not understand. but while it may take more than a lifetime to comprehend just how much my Lord loves me, i know one thing. He died for me. not merely out of a sense of duty. not only because it was “the right thing to do.” my Jesus offered up His life because He loves me.

“it is not easy, this love, but only the impossible is worth the effort.” and my God did the impossible. thank You, Lord, for your awesome, suffering love for me :)

On Falls and Flight

"if you do not climb, you will not fall. this is true. but is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?"

-morpheus, the sandman

everybody makes mistakes. heck, i've committed at least a hundred of those.. and that's just for this year. it's not so bad, really. you fall. you get up. you move on. easier said than done, of course. still, it *can* be done. and that's what matters.

the season of lent is a time to reflect on how we've lived our lives the past year. me, i went through so much pain because of lapses in judgment and bad decisions. but in retrospect, all this actually turned me into a much stronger person.

i've learned a lot this past year.. lessons i never would have understood had i not dared and failed. i've grown up considerably, too.. and my heart bears deeper yet more meaningful scars. i've been forced to look at myself squarely in the mirror.. and to like, if not love, what i see. i've learned how to value myself and the many gifts and talents the Lord gave me. i've also learned to look at the brighter side of things. this includes, in no small way, seeing the good in people.. no matter how much they may have hurt me.. and no matter how little my affection for them may be.

the trouble with people is that they are just like me. imperfect. broken. prone to error. committing the same mistakes over and over again.

the thing i like most about people is that they are just like me. imperfect. broken. prone to error. committing the same mistakes over and over again. forgiven. constantly learning. constantly teaching.

it really all depends on how we choose to look at people.. and at life in general.

fr. bobby mentioned in his article that the lenten season is not just about praying more, but praying *better.* it is also about loving others.. loving ourselves.. loving God *better.* and i think i am learning this first-hand now.

i cannot give what i do not have. i will not be able to forgive others unless i recognize that i too have been forgiven much. i will not be able to truly love others unless i first realize that i am deeply and passionately loved by an awesome God. and though i hated it at the time, i now know that it is precisely because of the trials i went through that i am here now.. a wiser, more open and more compassionate child of God. it was, after all, the Lord's way of chipping away at the walls of my heart. His way of opening me to receive His love.. and to share it with others.

forming bonds with other people.. loving them.. allowing them to love you back. that's always a risk. friendships may fade. lovers may break hearts. relationships may fail. "if you do not climb, you will not fall.." but not to climb.. to stay where you are.. to refuse to stir at all will mean not being able to soar to new heights. it will mean not being able to fly like the eagle.. not seeing the beautiful view from Above.

and so i continue to climb. the fall may be hard.. but i know He'll always be there either to catch me.. or to teach me to fly :-)

Burned Out

Through with taking roads someone else designed;

Through with chasing stars that soon forget to shine

Through with going through one more day, what's new?

Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?

I’ve been listening to these lines from “Pilgrim’s Theme” in my mp3 player since Saturday. Hmm. I can relate with the lyrics of the song, somewhat.

Everyday, I wake up.. go to work, do some chores, meet with friends, talk to students. During the week, I attend community activities, help out with the newsletter, email/text announcements to fellow ministry members and go to church. It is a comfortable routine - one I’ve followed for the past decade. And I’m happy with it.

Yes, for the past 10 years or so, I’ve spent most of my waking hours immersed in “Rivers stuff.” I do not have any regrets. And yet, I’d have to admit that there are moments when I felt “burned out” - when prayer meetings were reduced to mere routine.. when layouting simply became a task I had to do.. when my passion for the things I love (like writing, and yes, even singing) waned.

It was during these times when I asked myself, “Is this it? Is this the best that I can be? Is there no deeper purpose for the things I’m doing?” Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things?

Burned out. Burned almost to ashes. That’s how I felt for the past two months or so. But last week, I received wonderful blessings that, bit by bit, helped to rekindle my joy in service. They were not really mind-blowing or earth-shaking. Instead, what brought back the smile to my heart were simple things: a welcome smile from a brother, a word of encouragement from a sister, a good book and some nice quotes, help with the newsletter from “soulmate #2”, time for coffee and popcorn with friends, an unexpected phone call from an old pal, “pasalubong” from my mom, my favorite “chichis” from my dad (haha.. i love breadstix!), and many, many more :-)

The Lord is really good! He blessed me - not by providing me with new gifts - but by opening my eyes and heart to the numerous blessings I already have :-) In my dryness, God made me realize how much I needed to drink of the river of His living water. In the desert, He demonstrated how He is able to purify and sustain me. And from the ashes of my burned out spirit, the Lord was able to show me tiny gems of blessings that I’ve so often overlooked and taken for granted. Hmm. Quite a good way to start the Lenten season, I should say :-)

And so now I sing with a refreshed spirit.. offering joyful service once more. And now I realize that service is so much more than just doing God’s work. True service also means allowing God to do His work in me. He works in me and I work with Him.. and for Him :-)

So.. Does my life still mean a thing in the greater scheme of things? My answer is YES!..

For Yours is the voice in my deepest dreams

You are the heart, the very heart

Of the greater scheme of things

I think this will be a truly wonderful Lenten season, indeed.. :-)

Deja Vu

“Suspended daw ang klase mula elem hanggang college!” Ang balitang ‘yan ang gumising sa akin noong Biyernes. Tumingin ako sa labas ng bintana. Teka. Wala namang bagyo. Bakit kaya walang pasok? “May coup attempt daw sa Malacanang.” Ah, ok. ‘Yun ulit?! Parang nangyari na ito dati..

Hindi naging maganda ang mga nagdaang araw. Pagbukas ng TV, nakakabagabag ang mga mapapanood: mga nagpoprotestang ralyista, mga pulitikong nang-aaway, mga sundalong humihingi ng proteksyon mula sa mga tao, at kung anu-ano pa. Ano na ba ang nangyayari sa bayan natin?!

Tila deja vu lahat ng mga pangyayari. Napagdaanan na natin ito, makailang beses na.. simula pa noong panahon ni Cory.. hanggang sa Oakwood. At parang hindi na tayo natuto. Hindi na tayo nadala. Hindi na tayo nahiya.

Nakakalungkot isiping ganito ang nangyayari sa bansa natin. Hindi pa man nakakabangon mula sa trahedya sa Leyte, may panibagong gulo na naman. Oo nga’t tinagurian tayong kaisa-isang Katolikong bayan sa Asya.. pero tayo rin naman ang isa sa pinakamagugulong bansa sa mundo. Nakakahiya. Hindi lamang sa ibang mga lahing pinapanood ang mga Pilipinong nag-aaway-away. Higit na nakakahiya sa Panginoon.. at sa Mahal na Inang ipinagkatiwala sa atin ang responsibilidad ng pagmomodelo sa mundo kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng pagiging tunay na Kristiyano.

Naisip ko tuloy, napaka-angkop na ngayon ang simula na ng Mahal na Araw. Ash Wednesday. Panahon ng pagsisisi. Panahon para lumapit sa Diyos at alamin kung ano ang Kanyang mensahe sa bawa’t isa sa atin. Panahon ng mataimtim na pananalangin - hindi lamang para sa sarili, kundi para sa bayan. Panahon upang baguhin, hindi lamang ang gobyerno, kundi higit sa lahat, ang ating mga sarili. Tunay ngang marami tayong dapat ipagdasal ngayong Mahal na Araw.

Deja vu. Sana naman hindi na maulit pa ang mga nangyari nitong nakaraang linggo..