way back into love

“the christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us..” (c.s. lewis)

one time, i told a sister in the community, “mag-contribute ka naman ng article sa newsletter natin.. tamang-tama, alam kong may maise-share ka ngayon” and she replied, “naku, hindi ko talent ‘yang pagsulat! nakakahiya naman. hindi ako magaling dyan” so i told her, “ok lang ‘yan. kahit tagalog/taglish; basta masabi mo ‘yung gusto mong i-share. ‘yung laman naman ang importante dun di ba?” so she wrote an article.. we did some minor editing.. and her sharing was printed in the next issue. now she contributes to the newsletter more regularly ü

i noticed that a lot of people (myself included) think the same way. we’re so afraid of not being good enough that we end up not doing anything at all. hindi maganda ang boses ko kaya hindi na lang ako kakanta sa worship. matigas ang katawan ko; nakakahiya namang makisayaw sa congregation. bagong member pa lang naman ako; wala pa akong mako-contribute na suggestion sa meeting. masyadong maliit naman itong pera ko; next time na lang ako maghuhulog sa collection box. the list of our excuses goes on and on.

last wednesday, for example. i had second thoughts going to megamall. i was hot, tired and feeling cranky because of a splitting headache. i wasn’t “in the mood” to sing. i definitely didn’t feel inspired or “holy.”

but i was assigned to sing; so i did. my headache and exhaustion got in the way, though.. so i started off doing things mechanically. i’d force myself to smile.. to dance along.. to clap my hands. i was thinking, “ka-plastic-an ba ‘tong ginagawa ko? hindi ko naman ‘feel’ mag-worship ngayon.. dapat ko pa bang ituloy ‘to?”

as the prayer leaders led us into worship, though, the heaviness in me started to lift. the tiredness left me and it became easier to smile, to dance, to clap and to raise my hands ü soon, i didn’t have to condition myself to worship - i already felt in the mood for it!

i learned an important lesson, then. the best gift we can offer to God is who we are, right now - frailties and all. because oftentimes, it is not perfection that He asks from us, but the simple act of offering itself.

at this moment, i am still so far from being Christ-like. i am not a perfect lover. there are so many things i have yet to learn about loving others.. about loving Him. but the best way back into love is to just love. to keep practicing it even when it’s difficult.. even when it hurts.. even when it doesn’t make much sense to do so anymore. because that’s what i’m called to do. because that’s the only way i will ever learn to love perfectly. and because loving imperfectly is still better than not loving at all ü

keep on walking, brothers and sisters! His love will see you through.. ü

fragile things

"it occurs to me that the peculiarity of most things we think of as fragile is how tough they truly are.

there were tricks we did with eggs, as children, to show how they were, in reality, tiny load-bearing marble halls; while the beat of the wings of a butterfly in the right place, we are told, can create a hurricane across an ocean.

hearts may break, but hearts are the toughest of muscles, able to pump for a lifetime, seventy times a minute, and scarecely falter along the way. even dreams, the most delicate and intangible of things, can prove remarkably difficult to kill.."

-neil gaiman

i was looking for a picture to place in this issue’s front cover and happened upon this quote from my blog. i posted it several days ago; but i realized that it ties in really well with the picture i found.

Christ on the cross. what could seem more fragile.. more vulnerable than that? a King helplessly nailed to a tree. broken. shamed. dying painfully amidst taunts and jeers. the image is the epitome of fragility.

and yet, ironically, the image of the cross is also the strongest, most enduring symbol of tough love. throughout the years, billions of people.. billions of souls have been saved.. simply because they believed in Christ’s one act of total love.

because He allowed Himself to be vulnerable.. and because He made Himself fragile, Jesus became, for every one of us, the best inspiration for true love.

author paulo coelho says, “the strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility.” (eleven minutes) but i say there is *nothing* at all fragile about God’s love for us. our Savior may have *looked* vulnerable; His body may have been crushed; His bones broken. but Jesus endured all the pain and suffering because of one thing: His love for the Father.. His love for us.

brothers and sisters, we may feel broken and hurting. our bodies may be weak and failing. but let us not allow our fragility to dampen our spirits. we are strong. we are tough. and we will conquer. because we have a Savior Who loves us. and He will overcome :)

music & lyrics

“songs remain. they last. the right song can turn an emperor into a laughingstock, can bring down dynasties. a song can last long after the events and the people in it are dust and dreams are gone.” -neil gaiman, (anansi boys)

“talaga, math ang tinuturo mo?!?” hmm. that’s usually the unbelieving response i get from those who find out for the first time that, indeed, i am a math teacher. most people assume i’m either (1) a music student - ‘coz i am usually tasked to bring the clearbook with piano pieces; or (2) an english major - ‘coz you’d always find my nose stuck in a book; and ‘coz i am most comfortable conversing in english.

i guess my love for music and language just shines through naturally. i’m a sucker for songs with great lyrics (quotable quotes galore!).. my room is cluttered with books and CDs.. and you can rarely drag me anywhere without a thick novel or my trusty mp3 player.

i have a passion for music and words. they help me get through the toughest days. they allow me to express my deepest thoughts and feelings. and more importantly, it is through singing in the choir and writing in the newsletter that i am able to serve the Lord - hopefully ministering to others and touching hearts in the process ü

but let me tell you something: i’m *not* an extraordinary reader/writer; and i’m *not* a great singer/musician. i just happen to be a math geek who loves music and books. i get writer’s block and fumble for the right words to say. my voice is not “solo” material (for which i am sort of grateful, hahaha) and the last time i played the piano was during my recital more than a decade ago. i am *not* the best singer/writer; but i *do my best* in my service. why? because i love what i do. and because i love the One to whom i offer my talents ü

it is often said that we ought to “do small things with great love.” and to that, i say AMEN! ü in the end, i believe what matters most isn’t really how flawlessly i am able to sing or write.. but how much love, how much passion i put into it.

how much passion do we have for the Lord? how easily can people identify us as Christians? are we as enthusiastic when we talk about God as we are when we talk about our other interests?

all of us have felt God’s loving presence in our lives. we each have our own stories that witness to His goodness and faithfulness. He has blessed us with the capability to express our love and gratitude. He also provided a venue for us to serve Him and minister to others through this community. so express your love for God! ü join a ministry.. worship enthusiastically.. share your inspiring stories.. encourage others.. and do everything with love!

because we are God’s song. and others will hear His music.. His words.. through us. the love we pour into our service will radiate to those we minister to. and it will last.. long after we “are dust and dreams are gone.”

offer up your “five loaves and two fish” brothers and sisters! in His hands, it will bless more lives than you can ever imagine ü

my stolen heart

“i'll steal your heart and set it free / tear down the walls that would surround you / i may hold you close to me / but these ties will never bind you” (gloria estefan, steal your heart)

saturday was prom night in our school. now, i’m not really keen on attending parties and formal functions; but i’m glad i came. i learned a thing or two about love that night.

one of my students, ray, broke up with his girlfriend rica on valentine’s week. i saw rica crying in one corner of the classroom. she was really hurt. she dreaded being loveless on vday. she thought about what her friends would say. she didn’t want pity. she didn’t want to be talked about as “the girl whose boyfriend dumped her.” she worried about prom night.

so imagine my surprise when, last saturday, i saw ray and rica going to the prom venue together. i knew ray asked her to be his date as early as december last year (well, of course, that time, that was just to be expected); but i didn’t expect them to still go through with it after the breakup.

ray danced with rica. he also danced with others. rica didn’t. she could, if she wanted to. after all, they were no longer a “couple.” no demands. no commitment. no expectations. but still, she just sat there, with her other friends. not dancing.

my heart went out to her. i knew how she must hurt deep inside; but she managed to act normally. she could still smile.

i had to wonder to myself, “how could she bear to see him with other girls now? how could she still continue to sit there and wait for him in spite of what he’d done to her?” she must really love him that much.. to still support him after all the hurt he’s caused her. it was illogical. it was irrational. and i wanted to tell rica to just go look for someone more deserving of her affection.

that night, i was reminded of Someone else whose love i could not understand. Someone who loved me so completely and unconditionally.. who never stopped caring for me no matter how many times i’ve hurt Him. He loved me so deeply and so passionately.. yet so quietly, too. He would sit silently beside me.. waiting for me to come back to Him.. always letting me know that i’d have Him to turn to, no matter how far i’ve wandered and strayed.

His is the love that steals my heart away. and though He always holds me close, His love does not suffocate. instead, it is a love that allows me to inflict pain.. to feel hurt.. to slowly grow.. and to learn to love truly.

i let Him steal my heart away. will you let Him steal yours? ü

ashes of a heart

“huwag limutin nakaraang araw / sariwain kahit balik-tanaw / takip-silim 'di man mapigilan / sandali lang ang dilim...” (huwag limutin, arnel aquino sj)

this february has been quite extraordinary. and i’m not referring to anything related to romance. but i’ve observed that quite a number of my friends and acquaintances suffered the loss of a loved one on this month of hearts.

it first struck me as ironic that on this “red month” - where both valentine’s day and this year’s chinese new year are festively celebrated - circumstances cause so many hearts to feel blue (or, more aptly.. “to feel grey or black”). the pain of loss is felt all the more deeply when you know that you *would have been* celebrating “if only he were still around..” and all the happy faces surrounding you don’t really help to lessen your grief.

sorrow. pain. mortality. death. these aren’t exactly what we would like to be reminded of; especially during the season of love. but at times, we are forced to face these things whether we like to or not. and we have no choice but to deal with them.

today is ash wednesday - a day when we are told, “thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return.” it is a solemn reminder of our mortality. it is an admonition to us to prepare our hearts.. to make sure that we are ready to face the Lord when the appointed time comes. it is a day of fasting and repentance. it is a day colored *grey.*

but for me, ash wednesday brings not just warnings, but also *hope.* for while we are reminded of our mortality, we are also given the promise of His comfort. and while we are admonished to repent and to turn away from sin, we are also reminded that the Lord is full of mercy and of grace. psalm 30:5, “for his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

brothers and sisters, your heart may have gone through some tough times recently. and perhaps you feel like nothing’s left of it but ashes. but our God is faithful. He will *never* allow you to go through any trial beyond what you can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13).

minamahal kitang tunay / ang tinig ko sa ‘yo’y bubuhay / sambitin mo ang aking himig / at ako sa iyo’y aawit

He loves us. not only during “red days”.. but more importantly, during “ash-colored days.” God’s love is the music that brings joy to our lives. and with His melody playing, we can *always* find it in our hearts to rejoice ü

catching hearts

“everytime i look at you, i feel better. it shocks me. it knocks my wind out, but it’s true.. i’d be happy just to look at you from across the room. and even that - anything - any piece of you, i mean, hopefully all of you, that would be the best thing because i love you.”

- george, grey’s anatomy

when i watched that episode of “grey’s anatomy,” i went “awww :)” haha. it was so romantic.. and so *mushy*.. but if the love of my life said those words to me, i wouldn’t go “awww” at all. ‘coz i probably would have *fainted* out of sheer happiness :p

but today, no one will say anything of the sort to me. and i still don’t have “the love of my life” that i can introduce to my friends. ok, at this point, maybe *you* are going “awww :(” . please don’t :p ‘coz though i may not have a “sweetheart” or “honey pie” at the moment, i do have valentines this year.

yes. you read correctly. valentines. more than one ü because this february 14, i have a “date” with the people i hold especially dear to my heart - all at the same time - here at this prayer meeting ü

who are my special valentines?

they are people in the choir with whom i’ve spent the past 11 years of my life ü we’ve worked together, had fun together.. laughed, cried.. fought, made up. we grew up together.. we know each other’s strengths & weaknesses. and we continue to support and encourage one another in our service ü

my valentines are my closest friends in the community. those who have stuck with me, rain or shine. the ones whom i’ve learned to trust and rely on. who honestly tell me when i’m being too bitchy.. but do not hold back their encouraging words either. they’re the ones who defend me even when i’m not there to witness it.. and who value my friendship, even when they already have the love of *their* lives ü

my valentines are my dad and my mom.. who are not conventionally mushy nor romantic. but they’re the most selfless love-givers i’ve ever known. they help people in need - financially and in other ways as well. dad shares his *time* and skills with most everyone. he inspires a lot of people with his prayers and his words of wisdom. mom is a “small giant” of a teacher ü and in her own quiet way, she brings Christ to her classroom. she also prays for an incredibly long list of people. they are the people i run to whenever i’m down. dad and mom are the ones who know me through and through. and both of them make our house a *home* - a place of rest, in spite of the fact that chores keep piling up ü my parents are my “daily” valentines. they are God’s living reminders to me that i am extraordinarily loved.

these are the people who make *everyday* seem like valentine’s day for me ü and i am blessed. truly blessed.. that while God is preparing that *one* special person who will catch my heart someday, He rained down so many hearts on me as i wait ü so i’m in no rush right now. my heart’s net is full of great catches ü happy heart’s day everyone!

the sunless lands

i didn’t really know him well. i couldn’t even remember what he looked like.. whether he was short or tall, dark or fair. i didn’t know his voice; and his name didn’t ring a bell. all i knew was that he was one of the quiet ones. the ones you easily forgot..

he used to be my student. and he died last thursday - the first day of the love month. took his own life. i learned about it the following morning from his batchmate:

“ma’am alam niyo ba na namatay na si ----?”

“uhmm.. may nabalitaan akong gano’n kanina.. sino nga ulit ‘yon?”

“ka-batch po namin.. kaklase ko nung 4th year.. maputi na matangkad.. nakasalamin..”

“hindi ko ‘yata siya naging student.. pero medyo familiar ‘yung pangalan niya..”

so i got my copy of their yearbook, looked for his name.. and that’s the only time i remembered him. he was in my computer class for a semester. and though his classmates would often chat with me or update me on their acad/family/love lives, he would just sit in his corner of the room and keep silent. we never talked.

he was an average student. he did not excel; but he never gave me headaches in class either. he wasn’t one to cut class. he passed his projects on time. he had no vices. he was normal. ordinary. and invisible.

and his death bothered me.

like i said, i didn’t really know him well. but his suicide deeply troubled me. and i could not help but wonder to myself “what depth of despair and misery could cause someone so young.. whose life was full of promise.. to just end it all?”

i started thinking of all the other nameless, faceless people i encounter everyday. how many of them are hurting? how many of them are lonely and desperate? how many hide behind carefully constructed masks? how many of them are just waiting for an encouraging word.. a friend to talk to.. a hand to hold? and how many of them have become invisible to me.. and to all of us who are too preoccupied with our own concerns in life?

“we are hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed... therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.” (2cor 4:8, 16)

“there, but for the grace of God, go i..” i am blessed to have the Lord in my life - to know and be known by Him. it scares me to think what my life would be like otherwise. but there are many more who do not know Him.. who desperately need God in their lives.

am i ready and willing to share Him with them? are you?