i m p E r F e c T

this weekend, i was able to watch several episodes of “monk.” the series is about this ex-detective who’s got excellent skills of deduction and who’s really great at solving mysteries. however, he’s also extremely OC (obsessive-compulsive). he’s afraid of human contact because he’s scared of germs. he cannot tolerate loud noises, public gatherings, heights and closed spaces. he needs everything to be in order.. and if things are not in their proper places, he panics and could not concentrate. his disorder prevents him from becoming that which he most wants to be: a reinstated police officer.

as i was watching the show, i remembered fr. mar’s homily. he said that Jesus was not able to perform as many miracles in his hometown as he did in the neighboring villages. it was not because Jesus did not have the power to do so. instead, the people’s lack of faith - in themselves, and in God’s abundant mercy and grace - stopped them from receiving His healing and His blessings. the people did not believe that they had greatness within them; so they refused to acknowledge greatness in others as well.

i have to admit.. when i heard fr. mar’s homily, i cringed and inwardly said “ouch!” because i know i myself have been guilty of such thoughts. like Jesus’ “kababayans” i would equate greatness with success. i put premium on perfection and order; so anything that rocks the boat upsets me. i’ve often been suspicious of new things.. new places.. and thus missed out on a lot of opportunities. my fears.. my low self-esteem.. my “disorders” prevented me from becoming that which i most want to be: a person with great faith in God.

but this morning, as i was driving to work, the words of an old favorite song suddenly popped into mind. it was strange.. ‘coz i have not heard that song for years.. and i haven’t been thinking about it. but the lyrics played on in my head; and i felt that the Lord was asking me to pay attention:

He looked through all my disguises / into my weakness and pride / He looked behind my pretenses / and into this heart that i hide / in His words were acceptance and healing / and a powerful feeling of hope / and right then and there, i knew He was love / and that’s all i needed to know

and after a long time of denying my sadness.. of forcing myself to be strong.. of hiding my disappointment with myself.. of not being able to cry.. i felt tears well up in my eyes. not tears of sadness.. but tears of gratitude. the realization was very clear: i am imperfect. and God loves me just the same.

i wanted everything to be orderly. i couldn’t stand it when things were not under my control. i was demanding perfection from myself and from my circumstances. but the Lord says “no.. you do not need to be perfect for Me to love you. there is beauty in imperfection. and in your weakness, My strength shines through even more.”

“...‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Cor 12:9

i do not know a lot of things. but this one thing i do know: Jesus is love. and that’s all i need to know ü

untitled?

“WHEN SORROW OVERWHELMS YOU, don’t let yourself be drowned. Swim for a while in tears, but remember to return to shore, ‘coz God will be there to wipe you dry. God loves you!”

i couldn’t help but smile when i received this text message from my friend this morning. as soon as i read it, i knew the quote was for me.

last week, my heart felt really heavy. i had some problems with my work and with my health. i also had a mini-falling out with my best friend. though these were not actually serious concerns, they troubled me immensely. i wasn’t able to eat nor sleep well. i could not even breathe properly.

i was trying so hard to maintain a pleasant disposition. in the process, however, i just ended up bottling all my frustration, doubts and fears within me. it even got to the point where i was no longer able to cry. on the outside, i appeared normal - sometimes even smiling or laughing. but deep inside, all the stress was taking its toll on me.

i was not sure what to do with myself. nothing i did could genuinely cheer me up. i tried to keep myself busy with work; but that exhausted me. i tried to give my all during services; but i found it difficult to focus my thoughts. i walked around the mall.. met up with old pals.. watched funny shows.. but the relief was temporary. to make matters worse, my trusted confidante (whom i usually turn to whenever i felt down) wasn’t replying to my messages. i was so frustrated that i had second thoughts serving at the GSS.

in spite of my mood, though, i still went to RFM last saturday. i sat there, listening to bro. obet talk about worship.. and how it is our response to God’s “worth-ship.” as he continued to share his insights.. and as he eventually led us into worship, i felt the weight in my heart lighten. suddenly, i realized that the words of the song were true:

“close to You is where i want to be / close to You is where i want to be / in Your presence, oh Lord / there is fullness of joy / in Your presence / i am restored”

i was restless and troubled because i was too intent on looking at my “mountains” of problems. i spent so much time “swimming in my (hidden) tears”.. that i forgot one obvious fact: i don’t need to stare at my mountains nor swim in my tears! what i needed was to be in His presence. what i needed was to go back to shore.. close to my Lord.. Who has always wiped away my tears and eased my burdens.

i looked to Him to restore me. and He did ü He showed me that my “mountains” were but molehills. He turned my tears into life-giving water ü He gave me rest. He gave me peace.

He must really love me ü and that’s why i’ll love Him back.. this time, with more smiles üüü

L.S.S. (no.. not the seminar)

for the past week or so, i’ve been experiencing a bad case of LSS. nope.. not the seminar. i’m talking about the “Last Song Syndrome.” since we started practicing josh groban’s “you raise me up” last saturday, that song has been playing over and over in my head. i hear the harmony over lunch.. while taking a shower.. as i drive.. and yeah, even when i’m asleep! sheesh. talk about pervasive.

so what is it about the song that makes it stick to my mind so much (aside from the fact that our musical director keeps reminding us to practice, practice, practice the song in preparation for the dreaded “quartet” ü)? maybe it’s the tune.. or the fact that it’s quite challenging to learn the harmony. perhaps it’s the wonderful a capella arrangement that catches the attention (we have bro. rannie to thank for that ü). then again, maybe the song keeps playing in my head because fr. mar (as well as sis. nona) was so excited to hear us sing it :p

when i think about it, though, it isn’t just because of these reasons that i’ve been experiencing the LSS lately. i realize that more than anything, it’s the *song lyrics* that really stick to my mind:

“when i am down and oh my soul so weary / when troubles come and my heart burdened be / then i am still and wait here in the silence / until You come and sit awhile with me / You raise me up so i can stand on mountains / You raise me up to walk on stormy seas / i am strong when i am on Your shoulders / You raise me up to more than i can be”

i guess the words are more meaningful because of all the trials i’ve been going through lately. problems with work.. tests of faith.. health concerns.. these things certainly dampened my week. but the Lord truly is faithful. because just when i started to feel my strength fail me, that’s when He gave me this LSS. and i realized that this is actually *my* song to Him ü

for indeed, it is He Who raises me up. when i can no longer smile.. when troubles seem to come one after another.. when i get so confused and i no longer know whom i can trust.. God is there. He makes me feel His presence. He makes me feel His love.. His comfort.. His peace. and even though the mountains of problems are still there, the Lord shows me that i have Him to stand on. always ü

yes, Lord, i am strong when i am on Your shoulders. and i thank You for making me more than i ever thought i could be ü

V for Victory

“I heard about His healing,

Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.

How He made the lame to walk again

And caused the blind to see;

And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,

Come and heal my broken spirit,"

And somehow Jesus came and bro't

To me the victory.” (Victory in Jesus)

failing health. money problems. breakups. loss of a job. death in the family. many of our brothers and sisters in the community are going through some tough times right now. some are afraid. some are confused. some are lonely. and some do not know what to do.

yet we see them every wednesday, worshipping and serving with us during prayer meetings. they, who need healing, intercede for others who are sick. they, who have so little, lovingly give their tithes. they, who have been hurt, give comfort to those who are hurting. in spite of the trials and tests of faith that they are experiencing, these brothers and sisters continue to offer their time, talents and treasures to the Lord. in their weakness, our brethren still give their all in their service.

the question is.. WHY?!

don’t get me wrong. being in ministry service is great. it is truly a privilege and an honor. but it is no bed of roses either. serving in the community means that you’d have to go beyond yourself in order to minister to others. it means offering your own sacrifices.. whenever.. wherever. it is no easy task. and for someone who is hurting.. or whose faith is wavering.. sometimes it could be quite difficult.

in colossians, we see paul the apostle imprisoned.. in chains.. and yet still able to minister to his brothers in the church through his letters. he spread God’s love and mercy.. and became an even more effective witness to the power of God’s grace. the Lord was able to use paul’s affliction and persecution for His greater glory. even though his body was in chains, paul’s spirit was free.

and that, i think, is why we all continue to minister to others. the privilege of serving the Lord is not given only to those who are strong, able and problem-free. the honor is greater for those who are more earnest in seeking Him.. who are more desperate in clinging to Him.. despite the odds. because strength and victory come from the Lord. in the end, even our ability to worship and thank God is a gift from Him. and those who have experienced much sorrow, affliction and trials, know this fact not just intellectually.. but by heart.

friend, if, at this time, everything seems to be going well for you, thank the Lord. but when time comes that you experience your own test of faith, thank Him even more. because then, He will show you how He moves mountains and parts seas.. just to let you experience the victory that only Jesus can give ü

sharing my dad

“becoming a father isn't difficult, but it's very difficult to be a father.” - wilhelm busch

some men are wonderful providers for their families. others can be counted on to do the “rough jobs” in the house. some guys are thoughtful and sweet. others give great advice. some are God-fearing and full of wisdom. still, there are some men who exude warmth and generosity.. and there are those whose character enable them to become great leaders.

while it may be no mean feat to find someone who falls into one of the above-mentioned categories, it is *extremely* difficult to find a man who has all the qualities i just listed. that’s why i believe that God really listens to my mom’s prayers. she’s so lucky - the Lord gave her my dad for a husband! :-)

my dad got married at the age of 23. a year later, i was born. even at that young age, my dad already showed maturity and responsibility. everyone - from my grandparents to my uncles and aunts to my older cousins - admired and respected my dad. not only that.. but they also felt a genuine and natural affection for him. family members (though most of them were older than he was) would always go to him for advice. my teenage cousins would turn to him whenever they had problems - whether it was about school, lovelife, or parents.

thus, even though i was an only child, i grew up “sharing” my dad with almost everyone else. because he was so “in demand” in our family (and even at school - my friends loved to eat the extra sandwiches he would prepare for me), i got used to the fact that a lot of people looked up to my dad as their “father” as well. but in spite of this, i never felt neglected. i never felt that i was second best. because no matter how busy he was.. no matter who he was talking to.. or what he was doing.. dad would *always* have time for me. he never made me feel like he had to squeeze me into his schedule. he never made me feel like i was bothering him. nope. with dad, i always knew.. not only was my company welcome.. it was joyfully anticipated :-)

i could go on and on about all the wonderful things my dad did for me these past 29 years: waking me up every schoolday; teaching me to read; packing my lunches; bringing me to and fetching me from school; preparing “treasure hunts” during special occasions; driving me to choir practices and concerts; helping me with my homework; talking to me about anything and everything under the sun (no subject is ever “taboo” with dad, you know ü); giving great advice; being a trusted confidante and shoulder to cry on.. etc. etc. yup, i could come up with at least a hundred more reasons why i’m grateful for my dad - but it would be pointless to do so in this limited space.

so i’ll just say this: i see my dad truly as my Dad’s earthly counterpart. through him, i am able to know Him more. that’s why i really thank the Lord for giving me a father who mirrors His love.. His goodness.. His generosity.. His mercy.. so well ü

fathers - they really are God’s gifts to us. and i’m so thankful that i got the best ü happy father’s day, daddy ü

for you to notice

inconspicuous. i guess that’s a good way to describe me. i am, almost always, inconspicuous. to the point of invisibility. normally, this peculiar trait of mine does not bother me so much. but there are moments when i get so exasperated: when people stop to buss the cheek of the person beside me without even giving me a smile or nod; when all concerned parties have been informed of the meeting - except for me, of course; when even my friends cannot seem to see me (“uy, parang may kakaiba sa itsura mo ngayon, ah..” “umm.. kasi pinagupit ko ‘yung hair ko.. mga 7 inches lang naman ang binawas..”)

i’m not hideously ugly, but i’m not stunningly beautiful either. i’m not dumb, but neither am i a genius. i have no special talents (except for my “mirror writing” ability that up to now i have not found much use for, hehe) in a sea of people, i’d easily be lost. my name might as well be “jane doe” - i am just another ordinary face in the crowd.

but wait. i take that back. i am *not* just another face in the crowd. no.. not really. because each time i serve the Lord, it’s as if He not only recognizes me.. but *knows* me. He does not see *through* me.. but sees what’s *in* me. every prayer i utter.. every song i sing.. God seems to pay very special attention to them. He is inordinately interested in ME!

it’s mind-blowing and mind-boggling.. but it’s true. i am special to the God Who created the universe! i don’t know why.. (hey, up to now i still think i’m a very so-so kind of person) but He seems to see something very beautiful in me. God doesn’t sit on His heavenly throne, watching disinterestedly as i pray or sing or dance. in fact, He not only watches me when i worship.. the Lord *participates* as well! He speaks into my heart.. whispering timeless truths about Himself. He heals my brokenness and gives comfort when i become weary. He blesses me with His presence and His love. and He gives me His wholehearted, undivided attention ü

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” 1 Peter 2:9 NIV

hmmm. chosen people? set apart? me?!? hard to believe.. but there it is in His own Book! i’ve been chosen.. set apart.. and given the extraordinary privilege of serving Him through this community.

and this is why, after all these years, i still continue in my ministry service. because though i may be invisible to others, i know that to Him, i mean the world (and possibly more) ü and as long as i know He is pleased with what i offer, then i am content.

thank You Lord, for seeing ME. and thank You for loving me enough, not only to die for me, but moreso, for allowing me to start living the life of heaven here on earth ü

out of reach..?

for the first time in my teaching career, i taught summer classes. this year, i handled two sections - a basic math course and an algebra/trigonometry course. now, most of my students weren’t exactly what you’d call “math geniuses” or “math lovers.” in fact, around 3/4 of my students were math repeaters. some were even taking algebra for the fourth time. so you can just imagine how traumatized they were with mathematics. they hated numbers.. they hated problem solving.. and most of all, they hated exams!

so last week, as they were taking their finals in math, my students all looked like they were going to the gallows. pale, sweaty, and clearly nervous.. they all answered the exam as if their very lives were at stake.

finally, 1 1/2 hours into the finals, one of my students (the uhmm.. least “mathematically inclined” in the class) approached me to submit her test booklet. she was almost crying. and she told me “miss, sorry talaga.. i really studied for this test but i know i flunked it. i’m sure i’m going to repeat math AGAIN next sem. but anyway, it was great knowing you..” i didn’t know what to say. because honestly, i wouldn’t have been surprised if she failed the subject. but anyway, i told her, “have a little more faith.. why don’t you wait until i finish checking your paper? if you want, i’ll check it right now.” she agreed.. so i did :-)

she needed to get a raw score of 29.5 in the finals in order to pass the course. and as i was checking her paper, i found that contrary to her claim that she “wasn’t able to answer a single thing in the test,” most of her answers and solutions were correct! after tallying her scores, i told her that she got a total of 38 points in the exam - well above what she needed to pass math lab :-)

my student couldn’t believe it. SHE PASSED! after thanking me profusely, she left the room in a daze - still not quite believing her good fortune.

i was chuckling to myself.. silently laughing at my student for being so afraid of failing the course. until the Lord “nudged” me to listen to His message. and i realized that a lot of times, i am like that student of mine. during desperate moments, i pray to God to help me.. i try my best in all my endeavors.. i give my all in service.. and yet after all this, i still do not have peace of mind. i couldn’t sit still.. i feel i have to strive harder.. do better.. and always, i feel nothing i do is good enough. i have this idea that some blessings are impossible to attain. too far off. out of reach.

sure, i pray to God. but there are moments when i doubt He would actually pay attention to me.. let alone help me. a lot of times, i lack faith.

so that day, the Lord gave me almost the same advice i gave to my student: “have a little more faith.. if not in yourself, then in Me.. because no goal is impossible to reach if I am with you.” and He’s right! i may not have much confidence in myself - but i ought to have the utmost faith trust in Him who is able to feed tens of thousands from five loaves and two fish :-) i may not have much to offer.. but in His hands, the little i could give will be more than enough :-)

“do your best and God will do the rest” i guess nothing is ever really out of reach :-)