A Pink Christmas

i know you’ve heard of a white Christmas.. and yes, even a blue one (so goes the song). but i bet you never thought of Christmas as pink Ü they say that pink is the color of happiness. hence, when gaudete sunday comes, we light the pink candle in the advent wreath. well, that happens to be my favorite color. and while others may think of red and green this holiday season, for me, this Christmas is pink Ü

only a few weeks ago, i dreaded december. i was afraid of what the Christmas month would have in store for me. yes, i worried about my unfinished Christmas shopping list (still undone, hehe) and the tons of activities lined up - at work and in the ministry. but mostly, i was afraid of the “holiday blues.”

it’s true that special occasions mean rest and relaxation for most - a chance to celebrate and to unwind. but not for me. for the past months, i dreaded birthdays, vacations and other holidays. not because i did not want to relax. i hated them because i was spending them alone for the first time in four years.

breakups are messy. always. but as with all heartaches, the pain heals in time. Ps 30:5 says, “..weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” and i really believe that is true Ü because the Lord wipes away the tears and mends the wounds - no matter how deep they may seem to be at first.

God has used so many people to hasten my healing process - loving parents, friends in the ministry, in the community and even at work. in my busyness, He gives me a sense of accomplishment. in our hectic Christmas carolling schedule, the Lord makes me feel joy and love. yes, He has been faithful to His promise; He has restored me to health and healed all my wounds (Jer 30:17). so that slowly but surely, my fears abated.. and i learned to genuinely smile again Ü

december 2005 is probably my most memorable Christmas ever. because this time, i received truly wonderful gifts from my Special Someone: peace. healing. fulfillment. love. joy. Ü

“You turned my mourning into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.” (Ps 30:11) yes, this is a merrily pink Christmas indeed Ü

On CSI and the Advent Season

i love watching CSI and all those other forensic/crime/detective shows aired on TV. it's so fascinating how even the tiniest shred of evidence can point to the guilt or innocence of a person. the assumption is that we all leave traces of ourselves wherever we go. when we visit a room, we may leave behind our fingerprints, or a few strands of hair, or maybe a few drops of our blood. when we come in contact with other people, their "epitheleals" (fancy term for microscopic bits of skin), as well as fibers from their clothing may rub off on us, and vice versa. we may not be aware of it, but we do leave our marks on all the places we visit.. on all the people we meet.

a single fingerprint, a single strand of hair can say so much about me. yet what is more amazing is that among the billions of people in this planet, not one of them has exactly the same fingerprint as mine. i am unique.. "fearfully and wonderfully made.." (Ps 139:14). and because God made me as such, i am accountable for my actions.. and how i make use of His gifts to me.

yes, i leave behind my prints wherever i go. but those are not the only proofs of my presence in (or absence from) a place. people know i haven't gone to my desk yet when they see the unarranged piles of papers on top of my table. students know i've been in the classroom for quite some time when they see lots of writing on the board. my friends know i'm around when they spot a newspaper turned to the page with a partially-finished crossword puzzle.

i leave behind traces of myself on the people i come in contact with. my knowledge is imparted to the hundreds of students i've taught. my values and beliefs i have shared with friends and loved ones. and there are times when a smile or a frown from me would brighten or dampen someone's day. yes, my actions, as well as the things people associate with me, reveal a lot more about me than i'm normally aware of.

it is humbling to know that everything i say or do leaves an undeniable mark on the places i visit and on the people i know. as fr. mar said in one of his homilies, "if time should come that someone accuses you of being a christian, would there be enough evidence?" a timely advent question. i ask myself: does my presence bring cheer or gloom to our home? when co-workers look at the way i do my job, will they want to emulate me or do the exact opposite? do i bring friends closer to the Lord, or do my actions encourage them to turn away from Him instead? is there really enough evidence to convict me of being a christian?

the answer to that question, i'm not really sure of. because though sometimes i do good, oftentimes i stumble too. i sometimes inspire others, yet at times i cause them to fall.

but i find hope in what paul wrote in phil 1:6, "..He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of jesus christ." others may not see enough proof of my being a child of God. not yet, at least. but He is working in me.. and i'm working with Him. so that someday, others will see that indeed, there is complete and irrefutable evidence to convict me of being His child Ü

On Waiting

today is the first sunday of advent. the christmas season is here! honestly, though, i'm not all that excited about christmas this year. it's practically december and i haven't even started with my gift-giving list.

maybe it isn't just me. have you noticed that there are fewer lights to be found decorating the malls and the streets? you don't hear that many christmas carols being played on the radio either. not much christmas-themed tv shows, too. times are hard. money is so much harder to come by these days, so i suppose people are not very enthusiastic about celebrating christmas the usual way.

but though i am not excited about celebrating christmas, i have to admit that i am looking forward to the christmas season. it was a realization that came to me only today, as i listened to fr. mar's homily about the importance of advent.. of waiting, preparing, and being watchful.

this has been a very significant year for me. i can say that i have undergone more changes this 2005 than in the past four years. i've experienced great personal losses. i have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil. there was fear, confusion, heartbreak and doubt. but this year, too, i've experienced more of God's presence. i've felt His comfort, His mercy, His understanding and unconditional love. i've spent more time conversing with the Lord - pouring out my heart and then learning to quietly wait for His message to me. yes, i have had a lot of troubles this year. but the Lord has used them all to open my eyes to the reality of His wisdom, power and guidance.

as christmas draws near, i realize that the Lord has a challenge for me: with all the gifts He has given to me, what gift will i give Him in return? what would i be willing to do for the One who gave up everything just to save me? will the Lord find me waiting, ready to surrender everything to Him.. eager to let Him work in my life? when He looks into my heart, will He find a place especially prepared.. ready to enthrone Him as King? hmm. as of now, i don't know. but if there is anything i found out today, the lesson of advent is one of the most important ones i need to learn. wait expectantly. be prepared. be watchful.

as bishop martirez said in the gss mass, today is the start of a new year for the church. time to reflect on the year that was. time to ponder on our relationship with God. time to prepare ourselves for His coming. a time for new hope.. and for new beginnings. it's never too early to prepare for the Lord. i only hope when His birthday comes, i would have been able to offer God that which would delight Him.

THANKFULNESS

today i was surfing the net, and i came upon this very timely poem:

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don't already have

everything you desire,

If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something

For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.

During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations

Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge

Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary

Because it means you've made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are

also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles

and they can become your blessings.

like most people, i have always thanked the Lord for the many blessings He showered me with: a loving family, caring friends, a community to belong in, good health, etc. but after reading the lines of the poem, i realized that there still are a lot of things i have not thanked God for. like my personal trials. like moments of loneliness. of feeling rejected.

pain and sadness can sometimes blind the heart to the countless blessings it daily receives. in my case, because of the heartaches i went through the past months, i wanted comfort. i wanted relief. i looked for affirmation from others. thankfulness and gratitude were definitely not the foremost things on my mind.

1 thess 5:18 said, “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” at first, i did not understand. how could i be thankful when i certainly don’t feel very blessed?! then it dawned on me: i got it all backwards! i did not feel blessed because i was not being thankful!

it is all a matter of perspective. i realized that when i consciously make myself more aware of God’s blessings, i start to feel better. all of a sudden, i am able to smile more, and the world takes on a brighter hue Ü

this quote rings so true: "Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie ~

a thankful heart. one of the most precious gifts the Lord can give to someone who’s broken. someone like me. and i’m glad He chose this special month of Thanksgiving to open my eyes to the many hidden blessings in my life Ü Thank You, Lord. Thank You.. Ü

THE GOD OF POST-ITS

i love collecting stationery items. all my friends can attest to this fact. whenever i go to book shops or department store, i'd always find time to browse through the stationery section. i have a collection of note pads (from the cartoony to the simply elegant), pens (metallic, gel, pastel, scented.. you name it!), scissors (tiny, large, artsy, weird, etc), and yes, even paper clips! call me nuts.. but i just loooove getting these items for my collection Ü

among these stationery stuff, i'm especially fond of my sticky note collection Ü as you can imagine, i have a bunch of them - all sorts of colors, shapes and sizes. most are small, (due to my tiiiny handwriting) though i buy larger ones if they are interesting enough (i have one that looks like a graphing paper, with the words "i hate math" written on the bottom left corner. that's my favorite, hehe) what's my fixation on these self-adhesive paper? well, let me tell you why i love post it..

* it is sticky! duh?! obviously. you can't "post it" if it doesn't stick! haha. anyway, i like to bring sticky notes because i can post a short reminder/greeting almost anywhere i wish to. no corkboards, adhesive tapes, or pushpins necessary. just write and stick. perfect Ü

* i can bring it everywhere. it's there when i need it and fits perfectly into my planner. no matter how small my bag is, it always has enough room for sticky notes - especially the small ones.

* it adds color to life. literally. i make it a habit to bring along various colors of sticky notes. that way, i can either (a) color-code my reminders, depending on the contents (i.e., blue for choir reminders, orange for school-related matters, etc); (b) choose which color to use, based on my mood; or (c) just make my planner more attractive. ok fine.. call me weird or OC.. but my sticky notes add a bit more whimsy and fun to my otherwise "blah" existence, hehehe Ü

* it reminds me of the important things in life. if you look at my planner, you'll find the usual schedules written on the available squares. but all the important stuff - from special reminders, to meaningful quotes, song lyrics, inspiring poems and the like - are written down on my sticky notes. so that they are set apart from the usual entries. so i will always pay special attention to them. and so that i can transfer them easily to my new planner when the new year comes Ü

my God is a lot like my sticky notes. He sticks to me through thick or thin.. in times of joy, and in times of great sorrow. He goes with me wherever i go - and i mean everywhere! when i'm at school.. or church.. or just walking around.. His presence is always there. He also lets me experience the many colors of life - from drab greys to bright, sunny yellows.. from dark, gloomy black to clean, pure white. no matter what "color" my days are.. and through all of life's twists and turns.. He's always been there to remind me of the most important things. His guidance. His assurance. His mercy. His grace. His love Ü

yup. it's no wonder i love sticky notes. the Lord probably made me a "post it" person.. so that i'd always remember His love for me Ü

Boo!

it's the 31st of october. 9pm. halloween. hmm. feels much like any other night. so far, i haven't seen any monsters, ghosts or creepy creatures - real or costumed. i have not heard any devilish howling nor felt anything downright scary today. nope. this has been another one of those boring, ordinary days. (haha. as simple plan sang so aptly, "welcome to my life.")

anyway, i've never been one to be fascinated with ghosts and the like. some of my friends have what they call the "third eye" - they claim to sense spirits and other "earthbound" souls. thankfully, i don't have that kind of uh.. 'talent' so to speak. quite frankly, i can't imagine why anyone would call having that ability a 'gift'. it must feel really creepy. like something straight out of "sixth sense"..

i am, however, very much acquainted with fear. a lot of things scare me. some are quite trivial. like cockroaches, closed spaces and heights, to name a few.

some of my fears, though, are not-so-trivial. like losing a loved one.. not being good enough.. finding that i've become of no use to anyone.. becoming nameless/faceless.. or never having anyone to lean on or to keep me company. these are my 'ghosts.' and they haunt me day in, day out - not just on halloween.

the bible says that “..perfect love drives out fear.” (1Jn 4:18). hmm. with all the things that scare me, i suppose i can say that my love is far from perfect. in fact, i guess i can say i have not even come a quarter of the way to perfection.

at times such as these (when almost everywhere i turn, i hear about death and dying), my fears have a way of being magnified. i struggle to stop myself from being afraid of what the future might bring. i try my best to trust in the Unseen God. it is difficult.. but somehow, He gives me strength to manage.

my love may not be perfect.. yet. but one day, i know it will be. because His love for me is perfect. and because “He who began a good work..” in me “..will carry it on to completion..” (Phil 1:6).

in the meantime, i live with my fears.. and trust in the Lord to teach me to trust and to love Him more perfectly. until my “daily halloween” is no more.

On Death and Dying

Like many Filipino families, mine went to the cemetery today (November 1) to visit the graves of our loved ones. Looking around, I found a sea of faces - and noticed that none of them had any tears.

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My grandmother died twenty years ago. I was only nine years old then. I did not cry when I heard the news. I did not shed tears at her funeral either. I suppose I was much too young then to understand about death and dying.

But I was my grandmother’s favorite “apo” - and she was not just my “grammy.” She was my friend, constant companion, “cheer-upper” and “defender” (especially when my parents would scold me). Her death, of course, affected me.

I never realized it at the time, but though I shed no tears, I mourned my grandmother’s passing. I started getting scared of a lot of things. Like being alone. Or left behind. I started to keep more to myself. I suppose, deep inside, I just wanted to avoid getting hurt again.

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We deal with the loss of a loved one in different ways. Some are able to cry. Some get angry. Some keep the hurt hidden deep inside.

I don’t know how the people at the cemetery were dealing with their loss. As for me, the pain of my grandmother’s passing has of course, long subsided. But still, there are other reasons to mourn - other people to grieve over. And for them, the pain in my heart has not yet eased as much.

Then I came upon this poem, and it gave me great comfort reading it:

I Did Not Die (by Melinda Sue Pacho)

Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.

I am not there. I did not die.

We may lose the people who are closest and dearest to us. But they are not truly lost to us. Someday, we will be reunited with them. That, in itself, should give us some comfort. And while we allow ourselves to grieve, we also bring to mind this verse: “..weeping may remain for a night,but rejoicing comes in the morning..” Ps 30:5

Yes, even in the face of death, we can rejoice. Because in the Lord, there is hope - for strength, encouragement, and new life.

lessons learned from a new semester

today is the first day of the second semester at our school. a new semester.. a new set of faces for me to teach. in a span of a week (just about how short our sembreak was), a lot of changes have happened at school. and i do mean a lot!

for one thing, our school adopted a new scheduling scheme this semester. in order to save on energy consumption, the administration decided to implement a 4-day study week (we do not have classes on wednesdays). this meant that students (and teachers, naturally) would have to go to class earlier, have late dismissal times and shorter breaks.

then, also due to the energy conservation project of the school, almost all sections got dislodged from their usual homerooms. everyone had to readjust to their new "homes" this morning. soon, students would have to re-decorate their rooms again.. and start "owning" their rooms anew.

this sem, too, all of us teachers moved to new faculty rooms. during the break, we had to pack up all our things - books, papers, projects, and all sorts of teaching paraphernalia - and have them moved to the rooms we'd be occupying. it was a lot of work, gathering all our stuff.. sorting them, throwing out all the useless junk we've accumulated through the years.. classifying important documents and packing them.

i have to admit.. i was really disoriented when i came to school today. too many changes happened all at once. it was not totally unexpected, of course - these were all discussed with us a couple of months ago. nevertheless, it was still unnerving for me to stay at our new faculty room. i had the same chair, the same table.. and basically the same stuff.. but i was no longer at the room i've occupied for the past eight years. i was at a different place. unfamiliar. uncomfortable.

none of us welcomed all these changes with open arms. but we all knew that these had to be done to improve the management of the school. and, as in all things (particularly those that cause us great discomfort), i guess there are lessons to be learned; and here are some of them:

the less baggage you have, the easier it is to move. (Luke 12:15, "Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.") in my eight years' stay at our school, i'm happy to say i've not stored up *that* much junk. it was easy for me to throw away all the stuff i did not need anymore. so, when the time came for us to pack up our things and move, i had only 2 boxes and 1 bundle of books. i'm happy to say that it did not take me all that long to settle down to our new room. i wish i could say that of other areas in my life, too.. hehe.

it is difficult to move if you've already taken root. i guess what makes it hard for us to accept all these changes is the fact that we've all become attached to our usual hangouts. we were too accustomed to our surroundings. it was hard to accept all those changes because we were so used to our routines, our rooms, even our whiteboards. we were too “at home” with what we had. i am reminded of the Bible verse Rom 12:2, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” indeed, it is difficult to move to a place you have not yet considered your “home”..

change is inevitable. "the only constant thing in this world is change." so cliche.. yet so true. even our beloved faculty room was not spared from undergoing this major makeover. change excludes none of us. and yet, because "I the Lord do not change.." (Mal 3:6) we do not need to fear

how you deal with change says a lot about you. there are many ways of dealing with change and uncomfortable situations: (1) blame others for what's happening; (2) gripe and complain no end about how 'different' everything feels; or (3) strive to have an open mind, see what good can be gleaned from all the changes happening around and say "I will put my trust in Him" (Heb 2:13). the choice is ours, of course.. and what we choose to do says a lot about our 'teachability' and openness, not just to circumstances, but also to God's leadings.

tomorrow, i'll be back at school. back to the unfamiliar rooms. back to teach new students. but also, back to looking for the good in the changes happening all around. and back to listening to other lessons the Lord will be giving me.

A True Sacrifice of Praise

i learned a lot from the LSS this weekend. most of the things our speakers mentioned, i know i'll keep in my heart. but the one thing i won't forget was bro vic pestaño's sharing. well, actually, i think what touched me most wasn't actually his talk on growth and transformation; but the mere fact that he went to the LSS to give the talk.

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last friday, bro vic pestaño's daughter (who studies in UST) was walking near the campus area with her friend, jeff. when two holduppers accosted them and asked for their valuables, his daughter immediately complied. her friend, however, did not. a struggle ensued between jeff and the criminals.. until one of the men drew his gun and shot jeff pointblank in the chest.. then finished him off by shooting him in the head. bro vic's daughter, thankfully, was not hurt physically by the assailants. but she was severely traumatized by what she witnessed. as of writing, she is confined at the hospital, undergoing treatment for minor physical injuries.. and of course, psychological trauma.

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as bro vic recounted what happened to his daughter, he was clearly distraught. i mean, yes, he was able to give his talk.. and he delivered it really well, too. but when he talked about his family's recent experience, he could not help but shed tears. it was very moving to hear this preacher open up to us about his fear for his family's safety.. his doubts.. his hurts and pains.. his raw emotions.

bro vic pestaño is a great preacher. he delivers his talks really well - with a good combination of humor and substance. but last sunday, i really appreciated him, not as a preacher.. but as a fellow traveller who showed me how to walk the Christian walk. he was under a lot of pain. his family was undergoing a lot of trials. he had every right to cancel his talk. yet he came to preach to us. not so much with his words, this time.. but with his mere presence at the LSS: evidence of a clear and determined effort to say "yes" to the Lord.. to continue to serve God's people, regardless of the situation.

bro vic's commitment was a shining example to me.. and i'm sure to a lot more who are in ministry. serving the Lord will not always be easy. trials and difficulties may come. we may doubt.. we may fear.. we may not understand why certain things happen to us. but as bro vic said, "God is never wrong" - He knows what is best for us. and in the midst of the darkness, His Word.. His Love.. will always be there to give us Light.

WAITING

I was reading my daily devotional this morning, and it felt as if the Lord was really speaking to me. The verse I read was from Gen. 15:13-14; and it said, “Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be... mistreated four hundred years. But... afterward they will come out with great possessions.”

As I read the Bible verse, I wondered how God’s people must have felt at the time of their captivity. Perhaps they felt the way I do now. Impatient. Doubting. Afraid. Alone. I remembered how the people grumbled as Moses led them out of Egypt and into the desert.. and I thought, too, of all the times I complained to the Lord about the spiritual and emotional dryness in my life.

I do not particularly enjoy waiting. I have been used to getting results immediately. I get restless, I worry whenever things do not go the way I plan. Much like the stiff-necked people Moses led out into the desert, I tend to doubt. I easily take for granted all the blessings I have received. And while in my mind, I knew that the Lord would take care of me, my heart had problems with letting Him take charge of my life.

I pondered on today’s reflection.. and drew quiet comfort from it. The author, Charles Trumbull, wrote:

“I can be sure that part of God’s promised blessing to me is delay and suffering. The delay in Abraham’s lifetime that seemed to put God’s promise well beyond fulfillment was then followed by the seemingly unending delay experienced by Abraham’s descendants. But it was indeed only a delay - the promise was fulfilled, for ultimately they did ‘come out with great possessions.’

God is going to test me with delays, and along with the delays will come suffering. Yet through it all, God’s promise stands.”

I have been very impatient with myself lately. Because for quite a while now, I have been wrestling with my own brokenness. My praise is less spontaneous. I have had to really focus on thanking God for every blessing He has given me. Worship is now a determined and conscious effort.. not something that easily comes out of my lips, as before. I have prayed to God to change me.. to make me grow deeper in my relationship with Him. And then the desert-like dryness came.

I guess this means He really took my prayer seriously. For now, God is teaching me how to worship Him in the desert - to trust in His love and goodness in the midst of brokenness.. in the midst of nothingness. He is letting me know what it means to depend solely on Him. And whereas before, He let me feel the joy and pleasure in serving and praising Him, now the Lord is teaching me how to keep serving.. how to keep thanking and worshipping Him even when joy is so difficult to find.

Yes, I am growing. Slowly and a bit painfully.. but nevertheless, growing. And like God’s wandering people, I know that one day, He will fulfill His promise to me. I will come out of my desert with the greatest possession of all: a deep, unshakable, loving relationship with my God.

wounded healer

sunday used to be my favorite day of the week. i get to attend mass.. then go out with friends and family afterwards. i'd go around the mall, looking for stuff to buy or just to window shop. i can go home and relax.. no obligations to fulfill.. not much work to do. yes, i loved sundays.

but then, there came a time when i actually hated sundays. because every sunday, when i go around the mall, i'd see couples walking hand in hand.. giggling together.. leaning on each other's shoulders.. having the time of their lives. there's no escaping them. wherever i turn, i come face to face with people who look so in love. i envied them. and i did not like the bitterness i knew was creeping into my heart.

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a few weeks after i got my heart broken, a friend of mine came crying to me. her boyfriend left her for another girl. there was not much i could do but to listen and sympathize.. and thankfully, that seemed to help her a lot. a couple of days after, i found out that another one of my friends was in the same situation. and another. and another. and another. in about a month's time, i had at least five girl friends who were heart-broken, just like me. different circumstances. same hurts.

at the time my friends started confiding their love problems to me, i could not help saying to God, "Lord, bakit naman ganito? ang dami namang tulad ko. halos pare-pareho ang mga kwento namin. hindi ko naman alam kung ano'ng maitutulong ko sa kanila. sarili ko nga hindi ko pa maiayos.. paano pa akong makakatulong sa iba?" i did not understand how i could be of any help to my friends when i too was hurting, just like them.

then a familiar phrase came to mind: Wounded Healer. and i started to realize that sometimes, in order to heal ourselves, we need to reach out and help heal others first. we don't have to be in tip-top spiritual or emotional shape to offer help to a hurting soul. sometimes, what a wounded heart needs is another wounded heart.. one that understands the pain.. one that has cried the same tears.. one that has suffered the same blows.

and now i'm beginning to understand, too, how the Lord wants to work in me. He will not wave a magic wand and make all the pain go away. neither will He coddle and shield me from every hurt and suffering. instead, i believe He plans to heal my heart by sending me other hearts that are broken, too. so i can lend a listening ear.. give a comforting word.. offer a shoulder to cry on. maybe i can even cry along with the person. and strangely enough, it does seem to work. it is ironic how feeling the hurts of other people can help me deal with my own.

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Jesus. my Wounded Healer. He feels my pain. He knows my sorrow. He has gone through all my hurts, and a whole lot worse. He knows what it feels like to be heart-broken. He can empathize with me and my friends. with every one of us. Jesus knows exactly what it is i am going through. that single thought gives enough comfort, strength and encouragement.. to get through another day.. to see that life is beautiful.. and to try to be a wounded healer, myself.. just like Him.

prayer in silence

i drove around the campus today, after my morning class. i do that a lot.. when i need to think.. when i need to be by myself. as usual, the weather reflected my mood. it wasn't sunny; but it wasn't rainy either. the sky was downcast - as if it couldn't decide whether it should let the sun shine through, or open up to let the rain pour down. pretty much the way i felt.

anyway, after driving around for a while, i dropped by the adoration chapel. i don't usually do that; but today, i felt strangely drawn to the place. at first, i didn't want to go there - too many hurting memories to remember; and i wasn't sure just what to pray for. but the compulsion to visit the blessed sacrament was strong; and so eventually, i did go.

it's been a while since my last visit to the adoration chapel. as i knelt down to pray, there was one overpowering feeling inside me: awe. i felt myself trembling as i closed my eyes to pray. but my "prayer" today was different. in fact, i could not remember asking the Lord for anything. all i knew was that at the time, i felt He called me to come visit Him. and i did. and while i knelt before Him, i truly felt He was there.. enjoying my presence.. feeling my pain.. seeing my hidden hurts.. listening to my unspoken wishes. i did not have to say anything. i just knew that God already heard my prayer.. though i uttered no words.

God's love is truly awesome. not only is it unconditional.. it also is ever-present.. eternal.. and healing. it's the kind of love that does not wait for me to seek it. instead, it reaches out.. breaking down all barriers.. calling my name over and over until i cannot help but respond in turn. it is the love that makes me see the sunshine behind stormy clouds. the love that soothes. the love that heals. the love that changes me from inside out, bit by bit.

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved us." the Lord loves me! and i know someday, His love will teach me how to love Him back perfectly..

CHOICES

Today, I went out with my friends to gateway mall.. to unwind and to help keep my mind off sad events. It was past noon and we were quite hungry so we decided to go to the food express and eat lunch there. hmm. So many stalls to choose from.. so much food! Just picking out a counter to order from was quite a challenge..

Sometimes I wish the choices I have to make in life were as simple as choosing what food to eat or where to order from. Most of the time, of course, things are not that simple. There are so many things to consider: Is it right or wrong? Is it easy or difficult to do? Will other people be affected? Is it God's will or not?

Choosing between right and wrong. obviously, one should always do what is right. But it does not always happen. In Rom7:18-19, Paul says "I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing." Why is it oftentimes more difficult.. more trying to do what is right? Because choosing to do what is right means battling our human nature. We are wired for self preservation - to avoid pain and suffering. We do not want to be inconvenienced; so we hesitate to do what is right. It is not a simple matter of following our brain.. it is, instead, "rewiring" or renewing our mind to be more like Christ's.

Then there's the matter of choosing among many good things. Bro Bo Sanchez always used to say this: "The enemy of the best is not the bad.. but the good." But how would one know which is the best? Like the various food choices at gateway.. how should I know which of those will satisfy me most.. or which is the most nutritious?

Knowing God's will. I admit it's something I'm struggling to learn right now. There are so many things happening in my life that I do not understand. Like heartache. Like grief. And sorrow. But there are also so many opportunities for growth.. so many lessons to learn. And I don't know which of these He wants me to pay the most attention to.

So many choices. I guess while there is life, there will always be choices to make. I'm just glad that in all my decision-making, I am not alone. He will always be there to guide.. and to catch me when I fall.

LIFE’S POP QUIZZES

today i gave my class a short quiz on inverse trigonometric functions. as expected, the announcement of a pop quiz was met with groans of dismay and lots of eyeball-rolling. not to mention the variety of on-the-spot reasons why we should not have the quiz today: hindi pa kami ready, ma'am.. or ma'am di ba kakatapos lang ng exam natin? or ma'am ang init dito sa classroom eh.. hindi conjucive sa pag-eexam.. etc. you get the picture. naturally, all their protestations did not change the fact that i was giving my pop quiz; so after a few more seconds of grumbling, my students grudgingly answered the items i wrote on the board.

there are times when my students' attitude towards learning bugs me. i mean, they do know they are expected to study for their exams. that's why they're at school, right? i should not have to remind them to do their assignments or advice them not to cram. they ought to be responsible enough to turn in their requirements on time and to copy notes from their classmates when they are absent.

i have to admit, though.. my students' attitude reminds me of my own. oh, i don't usually grumble and complain when i am given math problems to solve. i do gripe a lot, though, when faced with trials of a different sort. i do not enjoy being inconvenienced. i tend to make excuses when things start to become difficult. sometimes i blame other people when instead i should focus on my discipline and time management. i also get restless and impatient. it's funny how i get annoyed by my students' grumblings when i myself gripe and complain to the Lord whenever He is trying to teach me something important.

so this morning, when i realized how much i needed an attitude makeover, i sheepishly came to the Lord in prayer and said sorry. i mean, sure, i may be going through some tough times right now.. but in life, that's a given. that's what i'm here on earth for - to learn, to grow, to be more like Christ, and in the process, hopefully lead others to Him.

in short, i'm one of the many Christian-students in the Great Teacher's class.. and the trials i go through are some of His pop quizzes. being a teacher, i realize that tests - in the classroom or out - are not meaningless. i do not give exams to make my students' lives miserable. i need to give them tests so i will know which concepts are not clear to them.. so they will know which areas they need to improve on.. and so i will be able to explain certain ideas more clearly. and if my students are open to instruction, hopefully, they will learn from the quiz and be better prepared for the more difficult final exams.

i don't know how well i'm doing on the Lord's "pop quiz" right now.. but somehow i don't think my "score" is that important. because i have a feeling that He's pleased enough to see that i'm grumbling less and thanking Him more for His instruction. there will be more lessons ahead; and right now, i find that i am truly looking forward to learning them.

LIFE’S BROWNOUTS

last saturday i went to the most memorable debut i've ever attended: my cousin's 18th birthday party. now, i've never considered myself a party person. social gatherings are not exactly my forte. but i really looked forward to this occasion because i knew how much preparation went into it.

my cousin, along with her parents and siblings, planned the event months beforehand. being the ever-meticulous person that she is, my cousin truly spent time agonizing over every detail of her debut - from the souvenirs and program to the decorations and her attire. she even made a list of all the songs she wanted to be played during the dance.. each song specially chosen to fit the guy she would be dancing with. nothing was left to chance.

so i went to my cousin's debut filled with anticipation. i wondered what she would wear, which decorations she chose, what kind of menu she selected, etc. the venue was great, and so were the decors - the place looked very festive and cheerful. the room was comfortably cool, and everything was set up according to plan.

then, just as we were about to settle down.. just as the program was about to begin.. the power went out! at first, everyone thought it was staged. but long minutes went by and still nothing happened. no lights. no air conditioning. nothing but darkness. in fact, for hours, we had no electricity. we had no lights save for the tea candles set up in each table.

i thought to myself, “this party will be a total disaster. kawawa naman ang pinsan ko..” i could not imagine how the occasion could turn out fine. the evening progressed and still no electricity. the program continued; but not as originally planned, of course. there were no flashy powerpoint presentations, no music from the karaoke unit. it was still hot inside the venue and we could hardly see each other. but surprisingly, everyone was attentive to the program. the people were listening to the testimonials of my cousin’s friends. and in spite of the heat and the lack of light.. everyone was in a good mood! people were laughing, exchanging jokes, and having fun. instead of simply watching the program, people were actually participating.. being part of the occasion. my cousin's theater friends, far from being bored, contributed to the jolly mood of the program by coming up with spontaneous song, dance and acting numbers. the party lasted for hours, but we were all entertained and quite happy Ü (a far cry from the people in the adjoining room - they were also having a debut at the same venue; but the mood there was really somber, and they didn't continue with their program anymore) i’m sure my cousin’s debut will be much-talked about by every one of the attendees – and not in a bad way! Ü

the 'fiasco' at my cousin's birthday celebration taught me an important lesson. we cannot expect everything in life to turn out the way we want. we can do our best.. prepare for everything.. and still, at times, for reasons we cannot explain, things get out of hand. and if we base our joy on our expected circumstances, we will be severely disappointed.

of course, it is but natural for us to gripe and complain when we do not get what we worked so hard to achieve. like the people in the other room, we can vent out our frustration to no end.. see only the unfulfilled plans and remain oblivious to what can still be done about the situation. in the end, though, all the griping and ranting will not improve our situation.. will not help others feel better.. will not turn us into better, more grateful persons.

once we look beyond our disappointment, though.. and once we turn to the Lord with expectant faith.. we may see that things are not as bleak as we originally thought they were. in fact, we may find that He needed to make changes in our original plans.. 'mess things up' a little.. introduce a bit of 'darkness'.. so that things will eventually turn out better. so that we may turn out to be better persons. in the end, i guess we all need "brownouts" in our lives so that God's great work may shine all the more brightly Ü

grey

It happened again. I barely slept last night. I tossed and turned in my bed, but sleep eluded me.

Morning. I looked out my window to see the sunlight greet me. Hmm. Maybe I'll feel better today, I thought to myself. Maybe I'd have something to smile about... something to cheer me up. Maybe I can shake off this mood... think happy, colorful thoughts. Maybe the sun can warm my heart and remove this heavy feeling I have inside of me.

But only a couple of minutes passed... and the skies grew dark - a gloomy GREY. And I couldn’t help but remember what I usually tell my friends: it usually rains when I am sad. Sure enough, after a short while, big, heavy drops of rain started to fall. This was not the comforting kind of rain that I found solace in. It was not the kind of ran that caressed my face. It did not keep me company and let me know I wasn’t alone.

Instead, it was as if all the turbulence and sadness I felt were mirrored in the weather. The dark, grey clouds reflected the gloom and sorrow I could not shake off. The strong winds howled out the frustration and emptiness I felt. And the rain. The rain cried out the tears I could not shed. Starting out with soft, hesitant drops... building up to a torrent that washed away everything in its path... not caring who or what was there... then slowly abating until there is only a tired, uneasy silence.

It rained all day. The sun was hidden somewhere in the grey skies. Everything was cold and damp. There were no happy, colorful thoughts in my mind. There were no comforting words to hear. Joy and peace, like sleep, eluded me.

And yet... a few lines of melody kept me company throughout the day. Unbidden and pervasive as my gloom... words I could not shake off:

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm. Father You are King over the flood... I will be still and know You are God..."

The rain may not have brought me comfort nor peace today. But these few lines of verse were enough to give me strength to get by.

Will it rain tomorrow? Perhaps it will. It does not matter so much to me anymore, I guess. Be it my rain-friend or my storm-mirror that comes to greet me tomorrow, I know there will always be a melody to keep me company... to help me get through the day.

DELTA X

Dx (read : "delta x") defined in mathematics as the incremental change in the value of x

when i was studying introductory calculus in my college days, i couldn't help but be fascinated by the concept of "rates of change." it was interesting for me to graph all sorts of curves.. to observe how the small changes in x values result in corresponding changes in the y values.. uhm, ok, enough math talk for now Ü

but come to think of it, i'm not alone in my fascination. of course, not everyone would make the mathematical connection.. but a lot of people do know the importance and significance of change. careers have been built up and destroyed.. lives have been converted.. wars have been fought.. all because of this thing we call change.

what's all the fuss about change, anyway? after all, we know it happens to everyone. nothing in this world ever stays the same. businesses flourish then go bankrupt. friends come and go. people live their lives on earth then move on to the next life. change is the one of those things that is bound to happen to all of us. so why is it so difficult to accept at times?

a lot of changes are happening in my life right now. some of them are minor.. some are major. some are welcome.. some are not. and then there are those that behave like my mathematical ?x: incremental changes that creep up slowly, unnoticed. one minute, i'm happy and full of peace.. and then next, BOOM! i get caught unprepared. the realization is so sudden it takes me completely by surprise.. and i get totally disoriented. i mean, sure.. my surroundings look the same.. but they don't feel the same to me anymore. i find myself in a state.. in a situation i never wanted to be in. i am out of my comfort zone.

yet it is during such times that the Lord makes me feel His grace and presence all the more. in the midst of uncertainty, fear and doubt, He gives comfort and assurance. in times of unbearable sorrow, He makes His love known through friends, loved ones and His Word. and in the dark night of the soul.. where no one else sees.. the Lord speaks. and when He speaks, He effects change. not a sudden, abrupt or magnificent change. but a Dx kind of change: incremental.. slow but steady.. unnoticed at the micro-level, but clearly seen when you look at the big picture. indeed, bit by bit, He is changing me.

change. a small word with life-changing consequences. one of the most difficult things to deal with. but now i know that with God, i don't have to be afraid of change. i don't have to struggle so much to find my way through unfamiliar territory. because though everything around me may change, one thing never will: His love for me.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9

rain-lover

today i woke up feeling drained. i haven't even started my day and already, i felt so tired. i was in a glum mood and didn't feel like talking to anybody. which was quite ironic because i knew that deep inside, all i really wanted was to have somebody to talk to. someone who would keep me company. someone who would be willing to listen to me rant. someone i can lean my head on.. and probably cry my heart out to. unfortunately, i didn't have that someone. i don't have that somebody. not anymore, at least.. or rather.. not *yet*..

this morning i kept praying for the rain to come. i know a lot of people love sunny weather; but as for me, there's nothing like a good rainfall to brighten my day. each time i see the skies turn grey, my heart does a little flip-flop. it is as if my spirit's thirst is quenched everytime the rain falls. and God knows how dry my spirit felt this morning.

hours passed and still no rain. nevertheless, i found some comfort from the very timely text message i received from my friend lilian Ü feeling a bit cheered, i was able to survive my morning without much incident.

by noon, i had forgotten all about my morning rain prayer. then, just as i came to my class at around 1pm, it rained! a good, solid outpouring of rain Ü just looking out at the grey curtain of water that appeared so suddenly.. drenching the ground.. well, it made me break out into a huge smile Ü

there's no need to say it, but i'll state the obvious, anyway: i love the rain. i also love the feeling i get whenever my "rain-requests" are granted. but i guess more than anything, i love the Rain-maker.. and it feels great to know that He's listening to me.. letting me know that He answers even the simplest prayers or a rain-lover like me Ü

TREASURES

"..you are more precious than silver.. you are more costly than gold.. you are more beautiful than diamonds.. and nothing i desire compares with you.." these are words from one of my favorite worship songs. it speaks about God's worthiness.. His incomparable value.. our one true Treasure. it's a wonderful love song to sing to God.. but it is even more wonderful to hear it sung back to me by the Lord..

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my treasure box is small - just about the size of a regular shoe box. it isn't glitzy, it isn't heavy. it isn't even locked. but my treasure box is the most important item in my room. what does it contain? hmm.. a small picture frame, an old candy wrapper, 4-year old pictures, a crushed flower, a small figurine, 2 diaries, music CDs, tiny books, silver rings, parking receipts, movie tickets, cards, a 3D dinosaur puzzle, a cassette tape letter, a circuit board and letters. my treasure box holds nothing that costs much. but all its contents are priceless. i would not trade any them for a million bucks.

what makes an item valuable? i thought about this as i was looking through my treasure box. i stare at the crumpled and worn parking receipts and wonder why i am so attached to them. yet as i look at the various knickknacks in front of me, i immediately know why i've kept these odds and ends all these years: they are valuable because the person who gave them is special to me. they are my treasures because they hold a special place in my heart. the contents of my treasure box are priceless because i choose to make them so.

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i am like one of the parking receipts in my treasure box - worn, ordinary and sometimes even crumpled and dirty. i do not have millions, nor do i have any extraordinary beauty. i possess no unique skill or talent, and i am not exactly the best at anything at the moment. nevertheless, i know that i am a treasure - His treasure. i don't know what He sees in me.. and until now it is hard to comprehend His unconditional and unfailing love. but He whispers, "you are priceless because I choose to make you so. you are my treasure, you hold a special place in my heart. you have value because of Me.."

i have never thought of myself as being "more precious than silver".. but perhaps bit by bit, the Lord is teaching me, not only to make this my love song to Him, but to accept it as His love song to me.. Ü

amazing grace

going to Rivers' open retreat today was not exactly part of my agenda for the weekend. i had originally planned to spend my saturday at home - catching up on my reading, doing the crossword puzzles, watching spongebob (hehe one of my many quirks), surfing the net and playing pc games. but though i did not really count on attending the retreat, i found myself at the RFM auditorium at 8.30am.. listening to bro. arun gogna share his insights on God's love.

i've attended countless retreats and recollections. in my more than 10 years in the community, i've heard hundreds of talks and teachings about God's love. i've read books, i've heard testimonies, i've even shared some of my experiences with some of my brothers and sisters in the community. but after attending the open retreat, i realized that the Lord is not yet finished introducing Himself to me. i will always find out something new about Him.. about His relationship with me.

when i was new in the community, i was zealous in my service. i was on fire for the Lord. i was joyful.. always basking in His presence. i was certain of His love for me.. and i knew that nothing could get in the way of my loving Him back. but as time passed, and i experienced various trials, disappointments, frustrations and failures.. as the seasons of spiritual dryness and burnout came.. i started doubting the reality of my being God's child. 10 years ago i knew in my heart and in my mind that i was special to the Lord. but now.. after undergoing so many tests, and after failing and falling so many times, in spite of the fact that i belonged in a Christian community.. i just was not sure if i was worthy to be called His daughter.

and then.. the Lord spoke to me. not through a disembodied voice.. but He told me what He wanted me to hear through bro. arun gogna and fr. bobby titco. God talked to me during the retreat. His message to me was simple: I LOVE YOU. i love you not because of what you do for Me.. not because of who you or others think you are. i love you. period. no conditions necessary. no questions asked.

my heart was struggling all throughout the retreat. i clung to God's message to me.. and yet at the same time i was afraid. i never realized how scary it was to be loved unconditionally. to be loved in spite of who i was. it was so mind-boggling to know, deep in my heart, that He has been aware of all my sins even before i was born.. and yet was willing to give up His only Son for me. specially for me. and i realized that God was telling me that i should learn to accept myself, too. that i should learn to love myself.. the way He loves me.

God's love. it is so unfathomable. so wondrous. so beautiful. it is the kind of love that cleanses and purifies. but it isn't simply a "feel good" kind of love that makes you feel giddy all over. it is the kind that effects change in you - slowly but surely. the stubborn kind of love that simply would not let go. the kind of love that is pervasive.. that makes you see yourself for who you really are: sinful yet forgiven; deficient yet blessed; weak yet able. LOVED tremendously.

nothing says it better than the song fr. bobby asked all of us to sing:

amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

i once was lost but now i'm found

was blind but now i see

t'was grace that taught my heart to fear

and grace my fears relieved

how precious did that grace appear

the hour i first believed

through many trials, storms and snares

i have already come

t'was grace that brought me safe thus far

and grace will lead me home..

this is MY song now. i am accepted for who i am. i am loved unconditionally.. immensely. and because He has loved me first.. i cannot help but love Him too. Ü

Just Like Piano Keys

sadness.. sorrow.. loneliness.. hurt. nobody really likes to experience any of these; but everybody goes through tough, trying times. the difficulties may come in different guises for different people; but everyone who has ever lived on this planet passes through moments of anguish.

i have had my share of personal trials. joining a Christian community did not spare me from any difficulty - spiritual or otherwise. in fact, i guess i could say that a lot of the tests and trials i have had to endure came to me when i started the Christian walk.

just recently, i experienced another painful "turning point" in my life. in that moment of doubt and confusion, i asked the Lord how He could allow me to go through so much pain. i wondered how much more I could bear. i questioned if He was listening to me..if He even cared.

but God did listen.. and He did care. He knew how much sorrow i could endure. during those moments when I felt i could no longer take the pain, the Lord would make His presence felt: a simple text message.. an unexpected visit from a friend.. a gentle rainfall.. a special song on the radio.. even a timely quote from a fortune cookie. not exactly what others would call miracles. just ordinary, mundane everyday things.. that became special to me because He sent them at the time i needed them most.

right now, i am a lot better. i have peace.. i have hope. i'm sure the Lord has His reasons for allowing me to go through my dark moments. maybe because of the pain, i will learn to seek Him more. perhaps because of the experience, i will become a better person - more mature, more trustworthy, more disciplined. perhaps because of what happened, i will learn to trust in Him more.. be able to listen to Him even when He is silent. maybe i still have to learn a lot of things.. maybe i still need to grow in so many ways.

a friend sent me this text message once: "Life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness and the black keys show sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also create music."

and i guess he is right. there are a lot of white keys in my life.. a lot of reasons to be grateful to God. He may have allowed a few black keys to be played.. but the Lord has always used them to create wonderful melodies in my heart. and i know, in time, the Great Composer will allow me to hear the beautiful song that He has made me into.. Ü

burn

every mind needs a spark. every heart needs a flame. and every soul needs to burn.

i'm not really a "fire" person. i prefer mountain tops to beaches. i love rain, not sunny days. and hot, humid weather causes my nose to get all clogged up. no, i definitely am not a fire person.

but these past few days, i've been thinking more and more about it - not in the literal sense, though. i've been thinking about fire in the context of my life. all of a sudden, i find myself fascinated with it. and though fire means a lot of things to a lot of people, these are my present thoughts on the subject:

every mind needs a spark
we all need creativity. the most intelligent minds would be rendered useless without that creative genius. it is this spark of brilliance and innovation that turns theories into wondrous inventions, paintings into true works of art, and dreams into reality. it is their unique way of thinking that makes the einsteins, michaelangelos, mozarts and fermats of the world shine. the creative spark can help turn ordinary men into extraordinary ones.

every heart needs a flame
each person holds something dear to his heart. it could be a lover. it could be a friend. it could be his family. or even a pet cat. whatever it may be, there is always something special contained in a person's heart. something that moves him. the thought of which could warm him on cold, lonely nights.. or motivate him to change for the better.. or urge him to fight for what is right. that something serves as the flame that powers a person to do that which is most important to him. it is the necessary fuel that drives a man to do great (or terrible) things in his life.

every soul needs to burn
souls are meant to burn. not in hell, no (though i suppose a number of souls would eventually go there). but each soul is supposed to be on fire.. with purpose, with conviction, with passion. life is not something we are meant to just zip through. it is not supposed to be easy, either. life is the furnace through which every soul must pass in order to be cleansed and purified. it is the way by which the soul finds the means of being set ablaze.

great saints have proven the trueness of their faith by demonstrating the fire in their souls. a definite sense of purpose.. unwavering conviction.. passion for God's work.. regardless of circumstances. a life cannot be fully lived unless the soul has been set on fire.

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i have never really been a fire person. my mind may not have experienced a lot of sparks. the flames in my heart may not burn so strongly. and my soul is not exactly ablaze with as much Godly passion as i would like it to be. but there is now this growing realization that i do need fire in my life. maybe someday, i will become a fire person after all..