The 4th Magi

I lost my quest
by Cito Beltran

A few days before Christmas, I was somehow reminded of a story commonly entitled The gift of the fourth Magi. The story as far as I can trace was written by Henry Van Dyke. After many adaptations and retelling it was eventually made into a movie for television.

Contrary to common belief the story tells us of Artaban the fourth Magi. He was a Persian priest of the Magi and a king as well. Like Gaspar, Melchior and Balthezar, Artaban was also a historian and an astronomer. They all believed that the Star would guide them to the newborn King.

For this Artaban sold all his possessions to buy gifts to present to the King of Kings. He bought a Sapphire as blue as the night sky, a ruby as red as the rays of the setting sun, a pearl as white as the snow on the mountain top.

Artaban was to meet up with his fellow kings on the tenth day at the Temple of the Seven Spheres but within hours of the appointed time, Artaban stumbles upon a dying stranger. As a healer, Artaban is unable to ignore the poor man and spends hours to give him water and potent remedies which restores the stranger.

He thanked Artaban and knowing of his quest, tells Artaban that the Savior will not be born in Jerusalem but in Bethlehem and prayed for him because he had pity upon the sick. This delay meant that Artaban would never make it to the appointed meeting. It also meant that he would need to use the sapphire to purchase his own caravan to cross the desert.

“I may never overtake my friends. Only God the merciful knows whether I shall lose sight of the King because I stopped to show Mercy.”

After days of crossing the desert, Artaban finally reached Bethlehem and quickly learned that Three Wise Men had presented many rich gifts to the child to honor him….three days past. He also learned that they had departed just as suddenly as they arrived and that Joseph and Mary had fled to Egypt.

The young mother who had told Artaban all the details was busy serving him what little food she had when shouts broke into the night: “The soldiers, the soldiers of Herod are killing our children”.

Artaban in all his majesty stood by the doorway as soldiers with bloody hands and bloody swords came his way led by their captain. Quickly he drew the Ruby that was as red as blood and bribed the Captain to be left in peace, which they quickly did.

As they left Artaban prayed: God of truth forgive my sin! I have said the thing that is not, to save a child. And two of my gifts are gone. Shall I ever be worthy to see the face of the King?”

But the young mother whose child was saved said: “Because you have saved the life of my little one, may the Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.”

So the fourth wise man moved on. Beginning from Egypt and then back to Jerusalem, along the way his quest would be disrupted by the needy, the sick, the broken and always he would stop to help.

For 33 years Artaban kept the faith and saved his last great gift for his great king. During this time he was already very familiar with the prophecy about the Great King. then He had heard of news that the “King of Kings” was in Jerusalem to be crucified at Golgotha.

Artaban rushed to Golgotha somehow hoping to ransom the King with his pearl of great value. He followed the crowd but even before he could see the hill Artaban’s attention was caught by soldiers dragging a young girl with torn dress and matted hair. He stopped and looked at her with compassion.

The young girl suddenly broke free of the soldiers and embraced Artaban’s feet: “Have mercy on me and save me. I also am a daughter of the true religion of the Magi. Now I am to be sold as a slave to pay my father’s debts. Save me from this fate worse than death”.

Once again Artaban trembled from the same familiar feeling. His heart again ached for a stranger suffering and in great need of his help. His mind tormented from the possibility of defeat of failing in his quest, his life’s wish of meeting the King of Kings to honor him with his last great gift.

Artaban reached for the pearl and it shone as no other gem did. Truly a gift fit for the King. “This is your ransom, daughter!” The soldiers released the girl and moments later Artaban collapsed as if in defeat thinking how he wasted all those years and losing all the gifts he had for the King of Kings.

Just then he saw someone who was unmistakably a great King. Artaban realized that he was in the presence of the King he had long sought out. He also realized that he had nothing left to honor him with.

It was then that the King of Kings reminded him of the sick poor man he helped at the beginning of his journey. Of the mother and her child he saved from Herod’s soldiers, and the young girl being dragged into slavery. “In as much as you have done it to the least of these, you have done it unto me”.

A king had found his King.

halaga

“minsan hindi ko maintindihan. parang ang buhay natin ay napagti-tripan. medyo malabo yata ang mundo. binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko” -parokya ni edgar

naglinis ako ng kwarto nung isang araw lang. nagtanggal ng mga lumang damit, sapatos at bag na ilang taon nang ‘di napapakinabangan. pati na rin mga unan, laruan, papel, bolpen at kung anu-ano pang mga gamit na nakakalat lang doon. inilagay ko ang mga ito sa mga malalaking supot para itapon.

nagpatulong ako kay ate dina (na naglilinis ng bahay namin tuwing sabado - wala pa rin kaming kasambahay hanggang ngayon) para ibaba ang mga supot. sabi niya sa akin, “ay ma’am.. magagamit pa ito.. magaganda pa ‘yung iba.. sayang naman.. pwede ko bang iuwi na lang..?” siyempre, pumayag ako.

totoo nga.. marami tayong mga biyayang hindi lubos na binibigyang-halaga. marahil ay nasanay na tayo na naririyan lang ang mga ito. iniisip nating pangkaraniwan na lamang ang mga ito.. maaari nang ipagpalit. lalo na kung nakatuon lamang tayo sa mga mas bago at mas magagarang bagay na maaari nating makuha.

pero para sa isang taong mas nangangailangan.. para sa isang taong iniisip nating mas salat sa biyaya, kasagutan na sa kanyang mga dasal ang mga bagay na binabasura lamang natin.

ano ba ang mahalaga para sa iyo, kapatid? o di kaya.. Sino ba ang binibigyan mo ng halaga? nagpasalamat ka na ba sa Kanya para sa napakaraming biyayang ipinagkaloob Niya?

kung matagal ka nang miyembro ng community na ito, kailan ka huling nagpasalamat sa Kanya at dinala ka Niya sa Rivers? kung may pinagdaanan kang ‘di kanais-nais na karanasan noong nakaraang linggo, nagpasalamat ka na ba sa Kanya dahil iniligtas ka Niya dito? kung kasalukuyan kang nakakaramdam ka ng lungkot o pighati, kaya mo bang pasalamatan Siya sa Kanyang pagdamay sa iyo?

marami tayong dapat ipagpasalamat. maraming mga biyayang dapat na bigyang-halaga. huwag sana nating ibasura na lamang ang pinapangarap ng iba..

spare change

“change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. we either adapt to change or we get left behind. and it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying.” - grey’s anatomy

at the start of the school year, when we were informed that the elementary kids would be temporarily “housed” with us in high school, i didn’t like the idea. i figured the halls would be too noisy; there would be too many kids running around, etc. there would be too many changes.. too many “new things” to adjust to. i didn’t like it.. but none of us were given any choice anyway.

a couple of months passed.. and somehow, i found myself actually enjoying having elem kids around. they’re a bit noisy.. but they’re so cute.. and they always have nice smiles on their faces. they greet us “good morning ma’am!” so cheerfully - something that very few teenagers do, haha! and now that the first semester’s over, the little kids will go back to their newly-renovated building inside the campus. and me..? well, i’m honestly going to miss them :(
i’m someone who hates change. if i could have my way, i’d probably have the same hair style for my entire life (which is *almost* true, actually). i wouldn’t dream of moving out of the country.. or out of quezon city.. or even out of our house! the thought of trying out or learning new things, exciting as it is, scares the hell out of me.

but i, like everybody else, am not spared from change. and as the quote says, none of us can stop change from happening. we adapt or else we get stuck in the rut. and while it may be tempting to just sit still and wait for the world to stop revolving, we know that wouldn’t happen. the world won’t give us a hand if ever we lose the energy (or the courage) to adapt to all the changes going on around us.

but HE will.

“on my bed i remember you; i think of you through the watches of the night. because you are my help, i sing in the shadow of your wings.” ps 63:6-7

it is a great source of comfort to know that in the midst of an ever-changing world, there’s someone we can hold on to - someone who will *never* change.

thank you lord, for being that one constant we can always rely on.. :)

why “father” is a four-letter word

wait. before anybody reacts to my title.. i just want to make it clear that not all four-letter words are bad :p after all, L-O-V-E is a four-letter word. and if you ask me, father = love ü

how does my father love me? hmm. let me count the ways.. ü

1. he is *always* there for me to talk to. no matter how late (or early) the hour, my dad makes sure to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

2. he’s ever-reliable. i know that whenever he makes a promise, my dad would *always* deliver. he does not renege on his word. if he tells me he will pick me up from school at 3pm, i am sure he will be there at that time - even earlier.

3. he tells me the truth. my dad has always been my greatest source of encouragement. he’s generous with his praises and often tells me how proud he is of me. but my dad also lets me know whenever i disappoint him. when i do something wrong, he reprimands me. but he always does it with love.. and i never really feel offended when he tells me off, because i know he always has my best interests in mind.
4. he is open. even when i was a lot younger, dad would talk to me about adult concerns like work, finances and even asked for my opinion on family matterse. he showed me that he trusted my judgment; and i never felt like i was “only a kid” around him. i may have been a kid then.. but i always knew that in my dad’s eyes, i was already “somebody” ü

5. he is strong. dad not only does a lot of stuff around the house; he’s also our source of strength when it comes to resolving “issues” in the extended family. he never passes judgment on anybody.. and he aslways acts as “peacemaker” during times of conflict. we all appreciate his wisdom, but more than that, we recognize the strength of his character. he’s been through *a lot* of tough times.. and my dad has always used his experiences to glorify the Lord even as he gives advice.

i’ve said this so many times before.. but i’ll say it again. my dad is one of the greatest blessings the Lord has given to me ü because he mirrors my Father in Heaven so well. through my dad, i get to know Him a bit more each day. i learn how my Father shows His love for me in the way my dad shows his ü

happy birthday, dad. i love you ü

color my world

i’m not a huge fan of lunches. usually when it’s time for lunch at school, i stay at my desk.. read a book.. check some seatworks.. or work in front of the PC (or laptop) while munching away at my “lunch” of chips/snacks from the cafeteria.

but that was a long time ago. nowadays, i find myself looking forward to lunch at school. why the change? hmm. it’s all because of the lunch notes.

see, a while back, my dad started packing lunch for me. yes, you read that right. my dad packs my lunch *every day* before we go to work. and to make sure i finish the food he prepares for me, he hides notes in my baon :p it works, though.. coz i’m forced to eat all my rice (and even the dessert!) just to get the notes my dad hides at the bottom of my baunan haha ü

the thing is.. my dad’s notes have made me appreciate lunch hour so much more than i used to ü no more “multitasking” for me while eating.. no more snacks-for-lunches.. no more rushing/skipping noontime meals. because i know the effort my dad puts into preparing my food.. as well as the love he pours out into those teeny-tiny notes he writes for me ü

in the same manner, the Lord gives us *a lot* of His love notes every single day! and He uses all sorts of ways to send them to us. He gives us His Word to remind us of His numerous promises of love and blessings. He sends encouraging messages to inspire us to keep on walking the Christian walk. He surrounds us with friends and family who rejoice with us in times of triumph and who cry with us in times of sorrow. God provides us with a loving community to journey with us as we walk closer to Him. He gives us 525,600 minutes each year.. for us to use as we see fit - to smell the roses, to smile at friends, to spend time in prayer, to glorify our Lord ü

i see trees of green, red roses too. i see them bloom for me and you. and i think to myself, “what a wonderful world”

i see skies of blue and clouds of white. the bright, blessed day, the dark, sacred night. and i think to myself, “what a wonderful world”

the colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky, are also on the faces of people going by. i see friends shaking hands, saying ‘how do you do?’ they’re really saying ‘i love you’

i hear babies cry, i watch them grow. they’ll learn much more than i’ll ever know. and i think to myself, “what a wonderful world”

every blade of grass.. every flower.. every person we meet is a “hello” and “i love you” from our God. and if we open our eyes.. our hearts.. to accept His daily messages to us, we will realize that it truly is a wonderful world ü

brothers and sisters, who colors your world? who makes it wonderful? who enables you to enjoy life and see it in a new light?

may we always find time to savor His love for us.. and to thank Him for all the blessings He continues to send our way ü

525,600

tomorrow i will be celebrating my 31st birthday. a year older.. and hopefully a year wiser ü and as with special occasions, this is another one of those times when i pause to reflect on what’s happened to me for the past year.

at first blush, “one year” doesn’t seem like such a long time. but after doing some mental math (ok, i admit, i had to use a calculator), i realized that 1 year = 365 days = 8,760 hours = 525,600 minutes. i know.. it’s practically the same amount of time. but looking at that really big number kinda put some things in perspective for me.

“..in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. in 525,600 minutes, how do you measure a year in life?”

so goes the song (“seasons of love” from the musical, ‘rent’). if it’s true that every moment counts, then those 525,600 minutes represent short yet extremely irreplaceable moments. they are minutes that may be used in so many different ways. to smile at a stranger or say hello to a friend; to kiss a loved one or to hold a sick person’s hand; to give a hug or to text an inspiring thought; to utter a prayer of thanksgiving or to give an encouraging word; to say what’s in the heart - like “i love you” or “i’m sorry.” the list goes on and on..

when i look back at the year that’s passed, i’d have to admit that out of those 525,600 minutes, quite a number were spent unwisely. there were those times when i frowned or glared at people.. moments when i hurried past my friends. i’ve been guilty of taking loved ones for granted.. and of being selfish in giving my time and energy to those who are closest to me. there were occasions when i failed to give a kind word to someone who needed it. i often refused to say what was in my heart. and lot of times, i neglected to thank Him for His blessings and his grace.

“525,600 minutes. 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes. how can you measure the life of a woman or man? in truths that she learned, or in times that he cried? in bridges he burned, or the way that she died?

..how about love? measure in love..”

525,600 minutes. that’s the same number of moments given to all of us each year, brothers and sisters. the only difference between a bad year and a good one is how much love we put into each of those minutes ü as sisters yna, loly and maris said in their sharing last week, every moment is a gift from the Lord. there are no such things as “bad” times when we are walking the Christian walk. every minute is an opportunity for us to experience God’s tremendous love ü we are alive - to witness to His goodness, mercy and love. that, in itself, should make us truly grateful ü

thank You, Lord, for the past 525,600 precious minutes You have given me. help me to use the next 525,600 ones to share more of Your love with others.. and to give more of Your glory back to You ü

coming back home

she’s a sophomore student. friendly. cute. with a nice, dimply smile. she’s the apple of her mother’s eye.

she’s also the one who stole her schoolmate’s videocam.

we (members of the school’s disciplinary board) called her and her mother to a conference last week. we laid out the testimonies of witnesses and the summary of the initial investigation. with tears in her eyes, she admitted to stealing her friend’s camera with the intention of pawning it. her mother was shocked. ashamed. disappointed. and hurt.

after the conference, she apologized to the friend she stole from. her “sorry”s came out in sobs. she could hardly breathe. but her mom sat beside her. apologizing with her. crying with her. bearing the shame with her.

in a few days, she will face the consequences of her actions. she may be suspended for a couple of days. she will have to replace the item she stole. and she may also have to cope with the stigma of being branded a “thief” by her peers. it will be difficult. but somehow, i believe that she’ll come out of this a better person. because she has a mother who’s willing to help her carry the burden.

brothers and sisters, this is our story too. at some point in our lives, we do something ridiculously stupid. we make mistakes. we stumble. we fall into sin. we turn away from our Father.

like the prodigal son, we leave our home to search for adventure. and because He respects our freedom, the Lord allows us to commit our own mistakes. He lets us discover for ourselves that which He always knew: He alone can satisfy our desires.

and when we find that there’s nowhere else to go.. we shamefacedly go back home.

yet even from a long way off, our Father sees us. and He not only awaits our return, He comes running to meet us. because no matter how deep the wounds we cause, the Lord offers His pardon. where we see despair, God sees hope. and where there is much hurt, our Father heals with His love.

* * *

Lord, it is a source of great comfort to know that no matter how far we stray from Your side, all we need to do is to turn around.. and we will always find You there.. welcoming us back with arms wide open. thank You for not condemning us. thank You for bearing our cross.. our shame. thank You for dying for our sins. thank You for continuing to look at us with eyes of hope and love. and thank You for always welcoming us back home. amen.

is it panic time?

hahaha. this comic strip (http://xkcd.com) is just soooo me. yep.. this is my typical brand of humor. wry and just a tad bit too nerdy, hahaha :p

it’s september once again. and, as is usually the case, i find myself in *that* kind of mood again. no, i’m not depressed or melancholy. that rarely happens to me nowadays. but my birth month always seems to bring about a certain kind of edginess and irritability that i could not understand.

i will be turning 31 in a couple of weeks. and while i have nothing against the number 31 (it’s a nice prime number after all, hahaha) i have to admit that i’m not all that happy about being “old.”

ok, it’s not the “growing old” part that i really mind. it’s the “growing up to be an old maid” part that sort of gets to me :p personally, i don’t think there’s anything weird with the idea of being single for the rest of my life. but people seem to think otherwise. i don’t really understand why so many people often associate moods/actions with one’s lovelife (or the nonexistence of it).
“uyy.. blooming ka ah. may papa ka na siguro..”
“hmm.. medyo mataray ka ngayon ah. sige ka, magiging old maid ka nyan..”
“kelan ka ba mag-aasawa? masyado ka ‘yatang mapili kasi..”

am i running out of time? the strip above says i’m doing just fine. and, being such a math-geek, i’d have to agree, haha :)

i enjoy dressing up. i try to make myself look nice. not for anyone else.. but for *me*. and while i do have my “snappy” moments, i certainly hope my “taray” look would not be enough to intimidate any future life partner (otherwise, he simply won’t be worth it haha). and as for marriage?! wahahahaha. boyfriend na lang muna. hindi pa ako handa para diyan :p

psalm 37:4 says “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” even at this age, i know i still have a lot of growing up to do. and before i start seeking my prince charming, i think i’d have to concentrate on delighting myself in my Prince first :) meantime, that special guy will just have to wait :p

under my skin

last friday, i attended a gathering hosted by our senior students’ parents. as one of the advisers, i was asked to introduce myself to the group. so i told them something like “ako po si prof. velasquez, grade 10 level coordinator at adviser ng 10-acacia. ako rin po ang teacher ng mga anak ninyo sa trigonometry/calculus.” and that was that. after all, what else did they need to know about me?

but if i had wanted to *really* describe myself, i probably would have said something like this..

my name is roselle velasquez. but almost everybody in this community calls me sis rox. i regularly write for the newsletter and am part of the print media publication ministry. i’m also a music minister and i sing in the alto section of the choir. i teach mathematics to high school students. sometimes i’m also asked to teach college and graduate math courses. i have no siblings but i have one soulmate and cousins-turned-adopted-brothers/sisters. my hobbies are reading, singing, writing and surfing the net. i love the colors pink and red, as well as the non-color black. i collect pens, paper clips and post it notes. i like the smell of whiteboard markers and i’m a spongebob & danny phantom fan. i can do cursive mirror writing but i don’t know how to cook. my favorite animal is a dragon and i’m afraid of cockroaches..

i could go on and describe myself for an entire day.. but in the end, all of these words would simply paint a picture of the outer me. facts. trivia. my work. my likes/dislikes. the stuff i do. the people i’m with. things that may be true today, but not tomorrow.

who am i? we spend our entire lives discovering the answer to this question. what defines me? when i am no longer able to work.. when the people i care for have all gone away.. when the years have caused my body to undergo so many changes.. what will be left of me? who will i become? and will i still recognize the person inside?

in last sunday’s homily, fr. mar said that true peace comes from accepting yourself for who you are - knowing your strengths as well as your limitations. the truly humble people are those who readily admit their faults.. and yet also graciously admit their accomplishments, knowing that these are all done through the power of God.

i wish i had a special mirror that would enable me to look inside and see the *real* me. i want to know the person the Lord sees each time He gazes lovingly at me. i wish i knew what causes her to fall so i could help her heal. i wish i understood why He loves her unconditionally so i could help her love herself just a bit more. and i wish i could see more of love.. more of Jesus.. reflected in her.

* * *

Lord, You are the only one who sees me inside and out. You know my thoughts, You know my deeds, You know my heart. beyond my smiles, beyond my tears, You see what lies under my skin. allow me to see myself the way You do, Lord, that i may humbly grow in Your love and walk in Your way. amen.

the view from the passenger seat

it took a while before i learned to enjoy the benefits of driving. my motor skills are not what you’d call exemplary (or normal, to begin with!).. so it was some time before i even managed to park my car properly (and not at all times, at that.. haha!). but eventually, i did learn to love driving.. and the feeling of freedom and independence i get everytime i get behind the wheel :)

like so many people, i now enjoy driving. i feel happy that i can (almost) effortlessly go from one place to another. i don’t have to wait for a ride to go to school. i don’t have to inhale the noxious gases so abundantly found in the streets of the metro. thanks to airconditioning, i don’t have to worry about the searing heat of the sun. neither should i worry about getting wet in the rain (well.. floods are a different story.. but you get my drift). and best of all, i get to spend precious “alone time” - where i’m all by myself.. listening to whatever i want to listen to on the radio or on tape/cd.

yeah.. i do love to drive. but honestly? i think the best times for me are still when i’m in the passenger seat :) not only do i enjoy most of the benefits i mentioned earlier; i also have the added bonus of having a great driver (usually my dad.. hehe :p) in charge! ‘coz you see, as a driver, i easily get lost. seriously. i’d probably need to pass through *exactly the same route* at least 10x before i memorize how to get to a particular destination. haha. i am soooo totally “directionally-challenged.” :p

and the same goes with my life. oh, sure.. it’s a blast, having control over the different aspects of life - career, community, friendships, romance (?!), etc. but oftentimes, i find i’m not really all that good at pinpointing which direction i should go.. which way i must take. i’d get stuck in a rut.. fall into all sorts of potholes.. go round and round in circles.. get trapped in one-way streets and the like. but the good thing is i have the Greatest Driver ever :) and His directions are *always* right.. His guiding hand *always* ready to steer me to safety.. His way *always* leading to the light.

ahhh. the view from the passenger seat sure is wonderful.. :D

anong bakasyon?!

20 august 2007. wala na namang pasok. halos isang linggo na akong hindi nakakapag-lecture sa mga estudyante ko. salamat kay chedeng at kay egay, naging sikat ang announcement na “classes in all levels are suspended” haha. ‘yan tuloy.. ang haba ng bakasyon namin.

pero teka. bakasyon nga ba?! sa totoo lang, dumaan ang mga nakaraang araw nang halos hindi ako nakakapagpahinga. hindi ako nakakalagi sa bahay.. hindi nakakanood ng sine.. hindi nakaka-gimik at hindi nakakalibot sa mga bagong lugar. bakit? dahil kung kailan walang pasok, saka naman nagsunud-sunod ang mga gawain namin sa ministry :p

maraming kailangang araling mga kanta. at medyo mahirap pang kabisaduhin ang mga tono. sa totoo lang, napapanaginipan ko na nga na may quartet kami (at isang beses, nagising ako na kumakanta ako! yikes!).

enjoy naman ang practice. masaya (lalo na kung panay tulad naming mga kalog ang nandodoon, haha!). pero minsan syempre, nakakapagod din sa katawan. hindi biro ang kumanta mula umaga hanggang hapon (totoo ‘to - dalawang araw kaming nag-whole day practice!). kaya nga saludo ako sa mga kasama ko sa ministry. mga nilalagnat, inuubo, masakit ang ulo, walang boses.. pero pumupunta pa rin para mag-practice (at hindi pa suspended ang mga pasok ng mga ‘yan ha!)

hayy. nakakahilo na ‘ata talaga ang schedule namin. pero sa totoo lang, pagdating ko sa bahay, nawawala lahat ng pagod ko :) kulang man sa tulog.. hilo at masakit ang lalamunan.. basta pag-uwi ko, nakakaramdam ako ng malaking ginhawa :) dahil pagdating ko sa amin, alam kong makakasama ko na ulit ang mga taong pinakamahal sa akin. at alam kong natutuwa silang nakabalik na ako. kaya may lakas ako para makipag-kwentuhan, makipagbiruan, tumulong nang kaunti sa mga naipong trabaho (tsk tsk.. hirap ng walang kasambahay!!). in short, tanggal talaga ang pagod :) sabi nga ng beatles..

“it’s been a hard day’s night and i’ve been working like a dog / it’s been a hard day’s night. i should be sleeping like a log / but when i get home to you / i find the things that you do / would make me feel all right..”

sana kaya rin nating sabihin ang mga katagang ito sa Diyos, ‘no? sana masasabi rin natin sa Kanya na kahit anupaman ang nangyari sa araw natin.. kahit gaano ka-busy tayo.. kahit masama ang pakiramdam natin, basta’t nakasama natin Siya, napapawi ang lahat ng pagod. at nagiging masaya ang buhay :)

* * *

Panginoon, marami po kaming mga alalahanin. abala po kami sa trabaho, sa mga gawain sa community at sa pagsisilbi sa aming mga pamilya. sana po, sa lahat ng ginagawa namin, makita namin ang Inyong mukhang nagagalak sa aming mga alay. dahil makita lamang namin Kayong nakangiti ay sapat na upang mapawi ang pagod at mabigyan kami ng panibagong lakas upang magsilbi at maglingkod sa Inyo :) amen.

an odd place to be in

this isn't really an inspirational post. there's nothing heartwarming to read in this entry. nothing God-related (or so i think). but it does reveal some of my recent musings. and it shows how far my wandering mind goes.. all thanks to a funny strip.

as the title says, it's an "odd place" to put this entry. but what the heck. read on. on the off chance that you pick up something useful..


has this ever happened to you? you're walking around the mall when someone shouts out your name, approaches you and launches into the familiar "hey-how've-you-been-long-time-no-see" conversation starter? you look quizzically at him/her.. while at the same time answering numerous questions and listening to his/her funny anecdotes. you nod once in a while, laugh at his/her jokes, politely ask general questions about family/friends/work while simultaneously trying to place this odd person who's striking up an uncomfortable conversation with you.

mercifully, after several agonizing minutes, he/she utters the blessed words "well, i guess i'll just see you around again then" and leaves. and you still have no idea who the heck you were talking to. you were too darned "polite" to ask his/her name.

yeah, well, all of us were taught to be polite. to not hurt other people's feelings. to always look cheerful and friendly. so we learn to stop saying bluntly honest statements children normally say (like "your fly is open"). we learn to hide our ignorance and weaknesses. we learn to pretend that we know a lot of things. we learn to put on masks. lots of masks.

and we're willing to do *anything* to let the charade continue. we keep up the pretenses.. even at the risk of losing ourselves. we plow through life pretending to be people we're not.. making decisions and commitments we can't really keep (or stubbornly sticking to our choices, even when we know they are wrong) all because we want to prove to others that we are strong.. that we always know what's right.

silly, huh?

but that's life.

and really, it's an odd place to be.

making rainwishes

"rain, rain, go away. come again another day. ‘cause little children want to play”

unlike a lot of kids, i never really recited those lines. why should i? i love it when it rains. i love grey skies and the pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof. i love curling up in my warm bed as i listen to the rain outside my window. i love the rain so much that i *always* make rainwishes. haha. i’m not called rainlover for nothing :)

well, now i’m not the only one looking up to the high heavens waiting for the rain to come. because of the dry spell in luzon, and all the trouble that lack of water has caused in different provinces, a lot of people have now turned into rainwishers as well. cardinal rosales has issued a circular that included an obligatory prayer to ask for rain. in some areas, they even have rain dancers! in all these years, this is the first time i’ve ever seen so many people asking for rain at the same time.

last july, pagasa says the dry spell will continue until august.. and that the rains will probably come sometime next month. they said that less tropical cyclones are expected to enter the country these coming months, so the wet season will come much later than expected. meantime, we just have to be content with the occasional afternoon shower - definitely not enough to replenish the depleted water supply.
i, however, choose to believe otherwise. as someone who’s been making rainwishes for years, i know that the One who makes the rain fall will grant the prayers of the thousands of faithful who implore His help.

just a couple of days after cardinal rosales issued his circular, pagasa says that a tropical storm (still unnamed) could enter the country within the week. hmmm. coincidence? maybe. but again, i choose to believe otherwise.

i remember a story i read a few years back. it was about a town that had not gotten any rainfall in more than a year. so the pastor gathered everyone in the town square to pray for rain. they held a vigil.. they had special rain dances, songs, worship, etc. and then the rain came pouring down. and everyone scrambled for shelter. except for one little girl - the only one with enough faith to bring an umbrella.

matt 21:22 says, “if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." a lot of times, though, when we pray, our faith.. our belief.. is only half-hearted. we lack that expectant faith that believes 100% in His provision and His miracle.

when we pray - whether it be for healing, for guidance or for rain - let us believe.. let us trust.. let us expect ü for we know we have a God who *always* answers our prayers. Who knows our needs even before we ask Him ü

what i learned from harry potter ü

“happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” - albus dumbledore (harry potter & the prisoner of azkaban)

like a lot of my students (and, as i’m sure, a lot of you here in rivers too) i am a harry potter fan. i’ve been one since i read the first book in 2000. everytime news of the release of rowling’s latest installment reaches me, i immediately trek off to the nearest bookstore to make my reservation. i make sure i get my copy exactly on the release date. i would spend the whole day reading.. and would not stop until i’ve read the entire story.

i have a confession to make, though. i hated book 6 (harry potter & the half blood prince). i hated it so much that for a while, i even regretted having bought the book. why? because (1) my favorite character in the whole series died; (2) he died in a way that was (to me, at least) so.. meaningless; (3) the ending left so many questions left unanswered; and (4) i couldn’t believe that the author could find a way to tie up all the loose ends with just one book left in the entire series.

so it was with a bit of reluctance that i made my reservation last march. the 7th and last book (harry potter & the deathly hallows) was to be released on 21 july 2007. i wanted to get a copy, if only to complete my collection.. but at the same time, i was wary that the ending might be such a big letdown. still, my curiosity got the better of me.. so i once again made sure to place a reservation.

finally, it was july 21st. i sped off to powerbooks to get my long-awaited hp7 book. excitedly, i read the first few pages.. and the next.. and the next.. until i found myself so immersed in the story that before long, i’d already finished the entire book! it took several hours (coupled with some eyestrain and sleep deprivation, haha) but it sure was worth the read ü i was definitely not disappointed.. and i’m glad i stuck with harry to the end, hehe.

brothers and sisters, there are many times in our lives when we experience not-so-pleasant things. being in community, after all, does not guarantee that everything will be smooth sailing and rosy. so many times, we find ourselves griping.. asking God “bakit mo naman pinapayagan mangyari ‘to?”

there are moments when we feel like all hope within us has died.. when everything seems so meaningless.. when all our questions go unanswered.. and when we just couldn’t bring ourselves to believe that He could make things any better.

but if we continue to trust Him.. in spite of our doubts and our fears.. in spite of our bad experiences.. then we will be richly rewarded ü because only He truly knows the whole story. we may not see His grand design.. the twists and turns in the plot of our lives.. but He does. He is, after all, the Author and Perfector of our faith. and He never will disappoint ü

“trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight” prov 3:5-6

workers' retreat 2007

One of the most enduring love stories of all time is the tale of Shah Jahan and his love, Mumtaz Mahal. It was said that Shah Jahan was so brokenhearted by her death that he not only commanded the royal court to mourn for two years, he also immortalized his love for Mumtaz by embarking on one of the greatest feats of construction ever known to man. Shah Jahan ordered the construction of the Taj Mahal - a temple that would serve as Mumtaz’ tomb.

According to some legends, however, as the construction of the tomb was under way, the Shah’s focus changed. He became so obsessed with finishing the Taj Mahal that, while he no longer felt depressed nor lonely, he also forgot his beloved Mumtaz. The object of his passion was no longer his departed wife. She was no longer his one true love. The Taj Mahal consumed Shah Jahan completely.

* * *

The danger of losing our True Love is something that all of us, as servants of the Lord, have to guard against. In the busyness of day-to-day living, it is so easy to lose our focus.. to forget the Reason why we do the work we do. Just like the Shah in the story, we may all start our service with the best of intentions.. our hearts burning with love for God. But if we are not careful, our heart might soon desire something else - friends, fellowship and yes, even community activities and services.

Exodus 20:9-10 says, “Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God.” And in last Sunday’s Gospel, Jesus tells Martha, “...you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42) We make time for doing the Lord’s work and being active in His service. But more importantly, we should set aside time to just sit by His feet to listen and to enjoy His presence. For God places the utmost importance to our spending time with Him.

It is for this reason that every year, the Rivers of Living Water Catholic Community holds a special retreat for all its ministry workers. This year, the Workers’ Retreat will be held on Saturday, 28 July 2007 at the RFM Auditorium. This annual event gives all those in ministry a chance to just be still. To cease from ministry work, even for just a day. To be ministered to by the Lord and His Word. The Workers’ Retreat is a “Sabbath” of sorts - a time for resting in God’s presence. And a time to remember Him - our One True Love and our Heart’s Desire.

We pray for all those who are in ministry service.. that they may continue to draw strength from God. That they may be refreshed and renewed.. ready to work for the Lord with enthusiasm and with cheerful hearts. And most importantly, we pray that their hearts and minds continue to be set on Him - the source of all blessings and the Reason for their service.

God bless, brothers and sisters!

communication g.a.p.

last week, i met with the senior council (i’m adviser of student body organization in school) to finalize our plans for an upcoming activity this july. we completed the program, the lineup of speakers and managed to reserve the venue. all the kids needed to do was to write letters to the parents/teachers/speakers to invite them to the said event. ok. we had 20 minutes to spare. so they took out a piece of paper and started writing:

The Senior Council is planning will hold a pre-UPCAT event gathering this coming on July 31, 2007 (Tues) at from 5:30-7:30pm ..

that’s about as far as they got. ‘coz before we knew it, 20 minutes were up; and they all had to go to their classes. so i ended up writing the letters, instead. and i made a mental note to hold a special meeting just to teach them basic letter writing skills ü

* * *

the other day, my 4-year old “playmate” carlo held out his hand to me and said, “tita, dirty na hands ko. penge nung mabango.” i stared blankly at him for about 15 seconds, not getting exactly what he meant. then he repeated his request, “tita, ung binubuhos sa kamay.. ung malamig kapag ni-blow mo..” oh. that. haha. it took me a while to understand that he was asking me to put some rubbing alcohol on his dirtied hands.

* * *

“ate, sabi ng mama mo bumili ka daw ng soup” our maid told me one day. ok. so i went to the grocery before heading home and bought some instant soup. when i went inside the house to give mom her soup, she says to me, “o anak, nakabili ka ba ng sabon?” great. my mom wanted SOAP.. not SOUP.. hayyy..

* * *

miscommunication. it happens to all of us: there’s something we want to say. we try to put it into words. we do our best to express ourselves clearly. but sometimes we just aren’t able to. we choose the wrong words. we mispronounce our phrases. we make grammatical errors. our ideas get all muddled up. we get confused. others get confused. sometimes they even get annoyed or offended. nobody understands *exactly* what we mean (including ourselves). we get frustrated.. and eventually give up.

there are times when i think i say my prayers wrong. i start out with a “dear god, thank you for..” but i end up telling him about my gripes, my fears, my tampo, etc. sometimes i pour out my “sobstory” - ranting about some injustice done to me. at other times (especially while i’m stuck in traffic), i find myself rambling to god about my hectic day.. or about the weird happenings in school or in the choir. or about how nervous i am about an upcoming observation.

and there are those other times, when i’m tired and flustered.. or when i’m upset and feeling hurt, the opposite happens. i can’t find any words to say to him. and all i could do is sit in a corner of my room and mope. or cry. and i’d *really* try to start praying.. but i couldn’t. ‘coz no words.. no thoughts would come.

but there’s one thing i’ve learned through the years: whether i’m babbling like an idiot (telling god about my kwentos and sumbongs) or quiet as a mouse, there is no communication gap between me and the lord ü my choice of words, my grammar/pronounciation.. they don’t really matter to him. ‘coz he knows my needs.. how i feel.. better than i do. he knows what i will say.. what i will ask for.. even before i say anything at all!

it’s great how he understands me - words or no words. all i have to do is show up and meet him. and he’s happy ü yup. it’s so true.. god appreciates perfectly ü

how to make a klein bottle

start with a square, gluing together corresponding colored edges, so that the arrows match. glue the red arrows of the square together,resulting in a cylinder. glue the ends together so that the arrows on the circles match (pass one end through the side of the cylinder). gradually push a piece of the tube containing the intersection out of the original 3D space. this immersion is useful for visualizing many properties of the Klein bottle. for example, the Klein bottle has no boundary, where the surface stops abruptly, and it is non-orientable (with no distinction between the "inside" and "outside"), as reflected in the one-sidedness of the immersion.

-from wikipedia

uhmm. i can pretty much imagine you scratching your heads after reading the previous paragraphs, hehe. don’t worry. this is *not* about math and topology - er, not entirely, at least, hehe ü

the Klein bottle is a weird surface (for math lovers: it’s very much related to another weird surface, the möebius strip). what makes it odd is that it is a “non-orientable” surface - it has no inside nor outside. what’s even weirder is that the Klein bottle does not exist in 3 dimensions. it is possible to make a 3D model of it.. but one can only view it properly in 4 dimensions.

it’s funny how the human mind can imagine something so complex and so interesting (at least, to me.. and to other math geeks haha) as the Klein bottle. i mean.. technically, it doesn’t even exist! it resides only in the imagination. and yet mathematicians talk about its properties.. its uses (yes, it *does* have practical applications!).. its beauty (yeah, we do find it beautiful, ok?!).

the brain truly is powerful. it can come up with the weirdest, most complicated things. stuff dreams are made of. it can create objects that have not yet been made. it can create objects that can never exist. yup, the human mind sure is great.

we may be blessed with great minds that understand how to make Klein bottles. we may have brains that can solve complex math equations, write inspiring compositions and handle a multitude of tasks. but no matter how superb our brains may be, we can *never* fully understand the greatness of our Lord.

ecclesiastes 3:11-12 says, “He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” we have eternity in our hearts.. yet even that is not enough to contain God’s greatness! how awesome is that?!

we don’t need big brains to know our God, after all. so even if we can’t solve those math equations, that’s all right ü all we need are big hearts - willing to open up to let Him in. He knows us inside out - we’re kinda like the Klein bottle to Him - He sees our inside and outside at the same time ü and He wants to make Himself known to us.

now *that* is reason to be glad, indeed ü

a rhino in my nose

i caught a bad case of the colds this weekend (hence, i was not able to serve at the GSS nor the tv mass. tsk tsk. great timing). i was stuck at home.. in bed for hours on end.. and practically immobile. boredom quickly set in.. and soon, i found myself in front of my pc. and, for lack of anything better to do, i decided to research a bit on the cause of my suffering - the rhinovirus.

this from www.discovery.com:

it feels like it sounds: a rhinovirus is a good indication of how it would be to have a rhinoceros stuck up your nose.

an aficionado of rhinoviruses, which cause at least one-third of colds in adults, hendley says the common cold is uncommonly hard to understand. one surprising revelation, though, is that your painful parade of symptoms isn't exactly the fault of the virus.

"what we do know is that the symptoms aren't because the virus eats the inside of your nose out," hendley says. "it's the body's own inflammatory response that causes the symptoms."

o-kay?! so technically, it’s not the teeny tiny rhinovirus that’s causing my nose to run, my eyes to water and my throat to feel scratchy?! apparently, my body’s immune system is overreacting to the presence of the intruder virus.. hence, wreaking havoc and mayhem.. and effectively immobilizing me for a couple of days. how weird is that?!?

it’s funny.. but sometimes, the things we rely on to protect us and to keep us secure - education, wealth, popularity, fame - can turn out to be the source of our troubles at some point. when we rely too much on our “security blankets” to keep us safe, then there are moments when the Lord would rock the boat and make us lose our balance a bit. just so we’d know better than to trust in “things that pass away”

ps 146:5-6 says, “blessed is he whose help is the God of jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God, the Maker of heaven and earth,the sea, and everything in them--the LORD, who remains faithful forever.”

He’s all we need to keep us safe from every storm. and from every cold virus, haha ü God bless, everyone! ü

settling can be unsettling

i was browsing through the racks of a clothing store one day when my eyes fell upon a cute top. i liked the color and the design.. it didn’t cost much.. and it fit me quite well. upon closer inspection, though, i was dismayed to find a small tear in the fabric of the shirt. hmm. so i asked the saleslady to get me another one from their stock. unfortunately, she said that’s the *last* one. uh oh.

i knew the shirt was defective. i knew it wasn’t the perfect buy i thought it was at first. but i really, really, really wanted it!!! so i looked the other way and bought it anyway. and as soon as i got home, i tried to patch up the tear. but since i’m not so good with needle and thread, i wasn’t able to fix it as well as i wanted to. *sigh*

then a few days after, i saw that same exact shirt on the rack.. in another branch of the said store!! auuuuggh!! now, everytime i see my shirt, i want to pound myself on the head for my impatience and lack of self-control :(

right now, bro bo sanchez’ words of wisdom come to mind:

the enemy of the best is not the bad. the enemy of the best is the good.

he says that oftentimes, we don’t *discern* between right and wrong. when we ask God for help in making our decisions, we don’t present Him with one righteous and one sinful option. we choose between two right choices - it’s only a matter of deciding which is actually *best* for us.

but sometimes, in our haste, we take things into our own hands. we make decisions without bothering to consult the Lord. and we end up with something *good*.. something that’s “pwede na”.. when what He really wanted to give us was the *best* that’s why it takes a lot of patience, as well as “tuning in” to God, in order to make sure we’re getting the best that He has to offer to us.

life presents us with so many options: career choices, job opportunities, communities to join, relationships to build. the variety of choices can be daunting. but with the Lord’s guidance and grace, we can be confident that we will receive what He best intends for us :)

and though we may be stuck with a torn shirt or two in our lifetime, we can rest assured that He will eventually provide us with the one He’s “custom made” for us. no holes. no tears. no defects. the perfect fit :)

let’s wait on the Lord to point out to us His best blessings, shall we? :)

just a few inches

“the majority of lost objects are right where you figure-once you take a moment to stop and figure..." -prof. solomon

i was listening to a christian radio program last week - and the topic was “how to find lost objects.” which kinda surprised me.. ‘coz what does *that* have to do with the Bible, huh?! anyway. that’s where i first heard of the “eureka zone.”

according to prof. solomon, majority of the objects we misplace are actually found right where we lost them. or at least, they are found no more than 18 inches from their original locaiton. this region is what he calls the eureka zone.

it’s been shown that most of the time, the object we are looking for is actually right in front of our eyes. but it’s rendered “invisible” to us because (1) we’re too busy looking elsewhere; (2) our eyes are not focused on the object; or (3) we’ve forgotten exactly what the object looked like.

kinda like what happens with me and the Lord. sometimes, i’d feel lonely or sad.. and i’d long for His presence. i’d feel like i’d lost Him.. and i’d go searching for Him in all sorts of weird places (doing weird things along the way, too!). sometimes i’d get too busy in my search. other times i’d get distracted (by people, by work, and yes, even by service). and after a while, i’d just realize that i’d forgotten what (or rather, WHO) got me searching in the first place.

as members of this community, i’m quite sure we’ve all conducted our own search for the missing/silent/lost God. we all know what it’s like to thirst for His presence and His love. it’s probably what brought us here to rivers, in the first place.

but we also know by now that it’s not really the Lord who’s missing/lost. we’re the ones who got lost. yet, no matter how far we may have wandered from Him, when we seek Him, we will find Him. He will always be in our eureka zone. no more than a couple of inches from where we stand ü

and we also know that even if we tire in our search for Him, He will never tire in His search for us. we are never away from His thoughts.. because we are always in His heart ü

“i once was lost but now am found.. was blind but now i see..”

lost and found. ‘tis truly amazing to find the Lord.. and to be found by Him ü

the shoes of a superhero

there is probably no more terrible instant of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man--with human flesh.
- frank herbert (dune)

most people think their fathers are heroes. oh, you know.. the kind of guy with lofty ideals.. who stood by his principles.. whose life is a source of inspiration to everybody. and that’s fine.

but i don’t think of my dad as a hero.

i mean, yeah.. my dad is a man of integrity and character. he lives by his principles and he’s certainly an inspiration to a lot of people. i doubt that anybody who knows him would question that.

but to me, he’s so much more than that “high and mighty” heroic figure. my dad has that alter-ego too.. just like those superheroes i get to read about in comic books ü

because though dad could engage you in a very gripping conversation about God, life, religion and service, he’s definitely not someone you would describe as “stern” or “serious.” ü

ask the kids - they’d tell you! i get the feeling they already suspect the truth. i believe they already know that.. yes.. my dad is a superhero! ü his “superpowers” are numerous.. and they include (to name a few):

* charisma. young. old. rich. poor. wise. simpleton. it seems like all kinds of people are drawn to dad. and he’s so genuinely drawn to them as well!

* brainpower. not a lot of people know this, but my dad graduated with a degree in engineering. but nowadays, he’s having lots of fun as a computer whiz. he’s also great at being a techie - giving sound advice on electronic gadgets (PDAs, celphones, etc), a mechanic, electrician, handyman, etc. oh.. and he also served as my math/science tutor in my elem/highschool days.. and i think i turned out fairly okay hehe :p

* super-speed. in the morning, before i’m even able to rub the sleep from my eyes, my dad’s already cooked breakfast, set the table, fed the fish, watered the plants/washed the car, arranged my mom’s medicine and prepared my ‘baon’ (complete with a note!) all that in under an hour! whew! :p

* special ESP. you know how people always talk about “mother’s intuition?” well, my dad has “father’s intuition” ü he always seems to know when i’m troubled, depressed or in need. i don’t have to say anything.. he’s just *know.* and then, to make everything all better, he uses his...

* healing powers. whether it’s a headache, tummyache, backache or heartache.. dad always seems to be able to make the pain go away. through his therapeutic massage and his calming words, dad has the wonderful ability to make everything a-ok ü

as a kid, i always thought my dad could do *anything* - i probably wouldn’t have been surprised if someone told me dad could fly ü it’s cool.. having the kind of father your friends wish they had. it’s also cool to have a dad who “grew up” along with you.. who stood by you as your interests shifted from toys to books to guys (then back to books and toys, hahaha!). having the kind of father that i have certainly ROCKS.

now, as a grownup, i know my dad could not do everything. (well, at least i know he couldn’t fly, hehe). but still, i’d have to say that having him for a dad still ROCKS ü i’ve been gifted with the best dad i could ever ask for.

well, the best *human* dad i could ask for, that is ü

and when times comes for me to become a parent, i know i’m going to have very large shoes to fill. i may have the genes.. but, as we see in the comics, children of superheroes do not always inherit their powers, haha.

but though my dad’s superhero shoes are large, thankfully, they’re light. because they’re worn by someone whose heart is buoyed with love.. just as my Heavenly Father’s heart is filled with great love for me ü

and who knows, maybe someday, with His help, i’ll be the kind of “superparent” i’ve always seen my dad to be ü

beautifully scarred

Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty... Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words. (Rainer Maria Rilke)

amen to this quote! yes, i truly believe.. scarred and wounded healers do heal best..

speechless

“we don’t always understand what Your perfect will demands. but we’ve learned to trust You more.. in Your presence Lord..”

so goes the song. i’ve sung those lines countless times in different LSS classes. but tonight, as i write this article, the song takes on much more significance.

i just came home from the wake of bro. ogie reyes, where fr. mar celebrated the mass. i have to admit.. i went to the wake because i had questions. a lot of them. bro. ogie’s death made me ask a lot of things - about God, about faith, about despair, about forgiveness, about mercy.

as a music minister, i’ve gone to a lot of these gatherings. we are often asked to sing at wakes of relatives of community members. personally, i go to those wakes for 3 main reasons: to condole with the bereaved family; to give moral/emotional support to them, along with other community members; and to join them in celebrating the life of a person who has lived for the Lord.

but tonight was different. like i said, i went to bro. ogie’s wake because i had questions. and i wanted answers. i wanted to hear what fr. mar had to say about dying in such a manner. i wanted to know what depth of despair would drive a person to end his life. i wanted to know how someone i (and many other people) looked up to for strength, hope and guidance could hide such tremendous pain and sorrow. i wanted to find out if God would be there for me if ever i find myself in such a desperate situation.

tonight’s wake was unlike any i’ve previously served in. the atmosphere was so different. the feeling i got as i entered the room was one of bewilderment. it was as if most of the people there mirrored the questions i had inside me. there was a feeling of hurt.. of betrayal.. of pain.. of really deep sorrow.

i did not know bro. ogie personally. to me, he was a good speaker.. a person who gave funny yet enlightening talks about God and life. all i knew about him was that he served the Lord and spread the Good News. like i said, i did not really know bro. ogie. but his death shook me in a surprisingly big way. and i guess it had the same effect on the other people who were present at his wake, as well.

when fr. mar gave his homily, you could almost hear a pin drop. everyone was quiet. everyone was listening intently. because he voiced out the unspoken question i suppose each one of us asked: “why, bro. ogie.? why?!”

and fr. mar talked about faith. and despair. and mercy. and forgiveness. and confusion. and sorrow. and resurrection. and pain. and easter. deep things. many things.

but mostly, he talked about questions. deep questions. like “why, bro. ogie? why?!”

and fr. mar said, “after 23 years of being a priest, i have to say, i still do not know the answer.”

and i felt like crying. because i had so many questions and i had no answers. and in front of me were the ashes of a man of God.. whom we drew strength and hope from. and i was looking at a priest i so admired.. openly admitting that he had no answers to give..

..except this: fr. mar said that of one thing he is sure. that the God bro. ogie preached about is the still the God in control of the storms in our lives. sailing with the Lord may not guarantee calm seas and smooth waters; but it does guarantee that our boat will not sink.

i still have a lot of questions. i still do not understand a lot of things. but listening to fr. mar’s homily tonight gave me consolation.. and hope, too. because i found out it’s ok to feel hurt and pain and sorrow. it’s ok to not always have the answers. it’s ok to say “i don’t know.” it’s ok to sometimes be shocked speechless.

we just have to keep sailing.. no matter how rough the waters may be. because even though people may fail us.. or hurt us, the Rock of our salvation never will. and in this crazy world, we need the strength and stability only He could give..

cicada song

yesterday morning, in tagaytay, i woke up to a not-so-familiar sound. it was a sound that's not often heard in the city. at first, i thought it was the noise of a motor-powered grass cutter; but it sounded different. it was more high-pitched.. and it came from all around the grounds. it was the music of cicadas in the early morning :)

i'm not a big insect-lover (i am extremely terrified of a lot of bugs - cockroaches being #1 in my list). but i was quite intrigued with the cicadas.. and how they could make sounds that can really make you stop and pay attention. so i did a bit of research when i got home.. and this is what i found (courtesy of wikipedia):

Cicadas are the most efficient and loudest sound-producing insects in the world. Conversely, some small species have songs so high in pitch that the noise is inaudible to humans. Only the males resound as a mating ritual to attract a female and many cicada species tend to gather when calling which increases the total volume of noise. Species have different mating songs to ensure they attract the appropriate mate.

Cicadae are unique in sound-producing insects in that they have a musical drum in their abdomen. The organs that produce sound are ‘tymbals' ~ paired membranes that are ribbed and located at the abdominal base. Contracting the internal tymbal muscles yield a pulse of sound as the tymbals buckle inwards. As these muscles relax, the tymbals return to their original position. The interior of the male abdomen is substantially hollow to amplify the resonance of the sound. The song intensity of the louder cicadas acts as an effective bird repellent. Males of many species tend to gather which net a greater sound intensity and engenders protection from avian predators.

In addition to the mating song, many species also have a distinct distress call, usually a somewhat broken and erratic sound emitted when an individual is seized. A number of species also have a courtship song, which is often a quieter call and is produced after a female has been drawn by the calling song.

wow. talk about a music-making bug-wonder of nature! :) the sounds they make enable them to send for help.. fend off enemies and even find themselves a mate!!

just think.. if God gifted the lowly cicadas with the ability to create songs.. imagine what He has blessed us with! :) He's given us voices.. not just to communicate with our fellowmen.. but to be able to thank, praise and worship Him! He gave some the talent to compose music.. to others, the talent to sing songs. some, He enabled to proclaim His Word. Still, to others, He gave His gift of teaching.

brothers and sisters, no matter what talent He has blessed you with, know this: God gave you the power to make others stop and pay attention :) so that you can minister to His people. so that you can make a difference.

like the cicadas, let's sing out loud our praise to the Creator. and soon, the world just might pause and listen to His Word :)

the day God kept me company

I Simply Live For You

Words and music by Russell Fragar

Say the word and I will sing for You

Over oceans deep, I will follow

If each star was a song, and every breath of wind, praise

It would still fail by far to say all my heart contains

I simply live, I simply live for You

As the glory of Your presence now fills this place

In worship we will see You face to face,

There is nothing in this world to which You can be compared

Glory on glory, praise upon praise

You bind the broken hearted and save all my tears

And by Your Word, You set the captives free,

There is nothing in this world that You cannot do

I simply live, I simply live for You

* * *

i listen to this song as i am writing this article. i am here in tagaytay.. spending the weekend with family and friends. i am enjoying the breathtaking view, the wonderfully cool weather and the beautiful fruit-bearing trees and gorgeous flowers. for the past few hours, i've been trying to write something.. anything.. for this week's newsletter. in fact, i've started about 5 or 6 articles (on various topics, with weird titles like "the view from the back(seat)," "i know what i did this summer," "heaven's scent," "go forth and multiply," "escap(ad)e" and "time's up").. but i shelved them all (or threw them into the trash altogether) 'cause after a paragraph or so, i couldn't find the words to continue any of them. at least, not *yet* :p

so instead of racking my brain to force myself to write, i just took a walk in the grounds. i shot some pictures.. breathed in the fresh air.. admired the view and chatted with friends. i brought along my trusty mp3 player, for a bit of "background music" too, haha. and i heard this song play :)

have you ever experienced being ministered to by God? see, there are times when i can't think of a prayer during my quiet time.. even though i know i want to spend time with God. and there are moments (like today) when i want to do something for Him.. but my mind is so distracted and unfocused that i couldn't think clearly. then.. just when i'm at the point of getting *too* irritated by my own distractedness, He nudges me and reminds me to "be still and know that I am God." (ps 46:10)

and you know what? when i do allow myself to be still, that's when i *hear* what i am supposed to pray :) at first, i found it weird. i thought prayer (and worship, for that matter) was about me telling the Lord the things i want to tell Him. but by being quiet, i learned that it's much, much more than that.

prayer/worship is about listening to Him! God isn't just Someone Who listens to me. He's also my Teacher :) He teaches me how to worship by opening my eyes to the wonders of His creation. He lets me hear the inspiring songs made by His children especially for Him.. then opens my heart so that my own voice joins theirs in worship. and He lets me discover the warmth of fellowship, as well as the beauty of solitude :)

lately, i discovered something about God. you know what? He is sooooo talkative! :p it's true! He's not loud, though. He speaks to me in sweet and soft whispers.. pointing out "tiny miracles" as they unfold before me :) i'd look at the trees and He'd ask me "what do you think of the flowers I made? do you like them?". i'd eat a pineapple and He'd tell me "see how sweet it tastes? I made it especially for you..". i'd gaze up at the stars at night and He'd whisper "I know how much you love stars.. so I made them twinkle just a bit brighter tonight..". when i was aching for a bit of rain, He'd tell me "ok, I'm going to let the clouds give you a soft shower later on so you can enjoy the raindrops fall". all through the day, God kept me company. and He kept talking! He went on and on about how happy He was.. and how good it is to finally be able to talk to me, haha. and i'd just give a nod here.. or say "yes, God, You're right.. that *was* a sweet pineapple.." or something like that. i wasn't really able to get in as many words as i wanted to.

but you know what? i think that's exactly how he wanted it to be :)

open up

“when the student is ready, the teacher will come.” -old buddhist proverb

serving in the lss has always been one of my favorite duties in the ministry. i get to sing worship songs. i get a first glimpse at the new graduates. i refresh my mind while listening to the different talks. and i am able to relive my own lss experience 11 years ago ü

it was april 1996 when i attended my first life in the spirit seminar. that year, it was held during the lenten season (black saturday & easter sunday). honestly, i went to the lss only because my parents asked me to. and because i had nothing better to do. at the time, i was literally a nominal catholic. i did not like going to mass. i did not go to the blessed sacrament. i did not even know any of the standard prayers.

it’s not that i was not interested in god at all. on the contrary, i spent a lot of my college years searching for him. i read the bible. i joined christian organizations that held regular cell group meetings. i went to church services with my baptist friends. i prayed.

i learned a lot about god during those years. until now, i can still remember the lessons our youth pastor discussed during our bible study sessions. but i found myself somewhat frustrated. in my friends, i could see the fire.. the zeal.. the enthusiasm for god’s word. i wanted that, too. but it was so elusive. no matter how hard i tried to study his word and learn more about him, i could not feel myself matching their zeal for the lord.

so after years of actively searching for god, i gave up. i vividly remember telling him (not without some bitterness), “i give up. i’ve looked for you everywhere. i’ve tried my best to get to know you. i did what i could to study you and be closer to you. nothing worked. so maybe you’re not for me. maybe you choose to show yourself only to my friends. so i give up. and if you want me to get to know you, you’d just have to make the move.. ‘coz i really can’t think of anything else i can do to get close to you.”

i believe that was my most honest prayer ever. and would you believe it.. not long after that, i found myself there at megamall.. attending the rivers lss (it used to be held at the megatrade hall). i was skeptical and uncomfortable. i wasn’t sure what to expect. i did not want to expect anything (lest i be disappointed again).

my lss experience was uneventful. no earth-shaking moments for me. hindi ako natumba nung anointing. i don’t remember crying or feeling emotional. my heart didn’t leap with joy after the seminar. i thought nothing had changed.

but i was wrong.

because just when i grew tired of chasing after god.. when i despaired of ever becoming closer to him.. that’s when he introduced himself to me. gently. slowly. tenderly ü i got to know him more intimately as i served in the ministry.. as i attended the prayer meetings and the various community activities. he would talk to me in my private time. and i learned to love him passionately ü

and he has been sustaining me all these years. oh, i know he still isn’t finished with me. i still have so much to learn about him. i still have a long way to go in my walk.

but i now know this: he never gives up on us. even when we give up on him. the lord is always there with us.. patiently waiting until we are ready for him. and then he comes.

and our lives are never the same again ü

with all i am

as i write this piece, i look ruefully at my index finger. tsk tsk. i wonder if i’d be able to get rid of this indelible ink by tomorrow.. ü

elections in this country trigger so many different responses in us. there are those who spend months diligently checking the backgrounds and track records of each candidate. there are those who love to go into debates over who should get voted in and who should get “booted out.” some campaign nonstop for their candidates of choice. some even kill for politics.

and there are also those who simply do not care.

they are those who sell their votes.. cast their ballots without thinking.. or do not even bother to register at all. whether out of frustration, disillusionment, cynicism or apathy.. some people just choose not to give “this election stuff” importance.

* * *

last saturday, i was blessed to have attended a music ministry workshop sponsored by creative house (with bros. arun gogna & alvin barcelona and sis. rissa singson as speakers). they gave lots of practical advice for those who, like the 350+ of us who attended, are serving as music/worship ministers. they discussed different techniques we could use when singing/playing instruments - how to choose songs for worship.. proper stances when leading worship and other useful tips.

but what really blessed me in that seminar was bro. alvin’s talk called “giving my all as a music minister.” using 1chronicles as his text, he expounded on the importance.. the immense privilege of serving God through our ministry.

and bro. alvin said something that *really* stuck to me: giving your all should *cost* you.

i used to think that the love offerings, the practice hours, the attendance in various community activities were enough proof of my loyal service to God. but one thing i realized during the seminar is this: being in ministry does NOT automatically mean that one is serving the Lord. true service entails more than just attending activities, obeying rules or fulfilling assigned tasks. it requires sacrifice. it requires involvement. and true involvement is always costly. because true involvement is never without heart.

* * *

as members of this community.. and as citizens of this country, i’m sure we each have our own list of things to gripe about. it’s so easy to complain.. so easy to blame others.. so easy to be indifferent.

but if we truly love the Lord, then there is no room for apathy in our hearts.

in my life you`ve heard me say i love You. how do i show you it`s true? hear my heart, it longs for more of you.. i`ve fallen deeply in love with you.. (hillsong united, “deeply in love”)

how do we love our Lord? by loving others. by never giving up on people. by continuing to offer our sacrifices of praise & worship. by fulfilling our duties to the church and the country with a cheerful heart. by being involved. and by trusting that He will bless our humble offerings.. because they were given with a cheerful and loving heart.

jesus i believe in you. jesus i belong to you. you’re the reason that i live.. the reason that i sing with all i am

may all of us may be able to sing this line as our own prayer from the heart ü God bless

the child within

“ma’am open notes na lang itong test.. pleeease?!?”

“ma’am ang hirap naman ng exam..”

“ma’am taasan niyo ang partial points ha?”

“ma’am extend natin deadline ng problem set..”

hmm. 8.30am and *this* is the “good morning” greeting i get from my class. hahaha. you’re probably imagining a classroom full of whiny, bratty teeners who were not able to study well for their test. would you believe me if i told you that this morning’s exam takers were my graduate students - most of whom are 35+ years old?! hahaha. they’re not whiny nor bratty. my students were not childish. just child-like, i guess ü

after this morning’s incident, i realized that we all have moments when we do not act our age. no matter how “mature” or “dignified” we would like to think we are, there are always those times when we’re caught off-guard. when we have to admit to ourselves that we’re not as strong nor as independent as we’d like to be. we realize we need a listening ear.. a hand to hold.. a shoulder to cry on. and it’s during those moments when, aside from the Lord, we find solace and comfort in that special someone in our lives - our mothers ü

three decades of living on this planet has allowed me to accomplish some things. like earning academic degrees, landing a good job, learning how to drive, make friends and serve the community. i’ve also learned quite a few valuable lessons along the way. lessons on love and hurt.. and a lot of things in between. i’ve had people look down on me.. while others looked up to me for help and guidance. i’ve gone through lots of trials.. but i’ve also experienced triumphs and victories along the way. in short, like a lot of you, i’ve lived an adult life for quite a number of years already.

yet now as i type this piece, i hear my mom’s voice from downstairs, reminding me, “anak, baba ka na dito. kumain ka muna bago ka pumunta sa klase mo..” hmm. and then later, i’m sure she’ll tell me again (as she *always* does, before i go), “o, mukhang mainit.. may dala ka bang payong?” and then of course, just as i’m about to leave, “mag-iingat ka ha.. God bless (puts the sign of the cross on my forehead). text mo ‘ko kapag nandun ka na sa school..” it’s a daily summer ritual that mom and i have. it makes me feel like a kid. it makes me feel a tad bit embarrassed. but it makes me feel loved. and special ü

saying that my mom has stood by me through thick and thin is an understatement. she’s seen me through so many confusing moments (definitely too many to mention), listened to countless rants & raves and taken my side everytime someone hurts me. all these years, mom has always been there - wiping away tears, sharing secrets, offering advice, providing my needs.. and sometimes even announcing to the entire world how proud she is of my accomplishments ü

my mom isn’t great. she’s phenomenal ü and among all the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me, she is most definitely one of the best ü happy mother’s day, mom. i love you ü

a day in the life of the list queen

monday

6am wake up

take a bath

615 get dressed; eat a light breakfast

630 drive to graduate class

700 teach graduate students

1030 run errands/head home

1130 eat lunch

12nn drive/commute to next class

130pm teach algebra

530 head home

600 rest/do household chores

700 eat dinner

800 check mail/layout newsletter

read/prepare next day’s lesson

browse through planner

(check appointments, reminders)

1130 get ready for bed

12mn sleep (or at least, try to)

i’m a stickler for details. i am most comfortable when things are planned. that’s why before i start my week, i already imagine what i’m going to do for the next 7 days. i schedule my appointments, errands, etc. i make a list of the people i’m going to see or talk to, the things i’m supposed to do, stuff to buy, deadlines to meet, books to read, errands to run, etc. i write them all down in my planner.

my friends and students often chide me about this (they love to leaf through the pages of my planner - trying to read my really tiny writing). they shake their heads unbelievingly as they see the endless lists and other stuff i write - lineups, daily quotations, dates, birthday reminders, book reviews, post-it notes, lyrics, poems, color-coded memos, mirror writings, etc. someone remarked, “grabe ka naman.. kaya naman pala ang liit-liit mong magsulat.. e ang dami naman pala kasi ng mga sinusulat mo dito sa organizer mo!” well. what can i say?! i may not actually write down my daily schedule as above, but i have to admit.. i am the queen of lists :)

ok yeah, i’m organized. to the point of being near-obsessive compulsive :p and the downside to it is that i do not take well to change. i am not fond of surprises. i only agree to last-minute plans when the person requesting is someone who’s *really* close to me. if something is new.. or if it’s not in my to-do list for the day, chances are i will not even try to do it.

this year, though, i resolved to work on my spontaneity. i decided i’m going to be a bit more flexible.. more open to surprises.. more receptive to doing new things. so i took on the challenge of teaching my first graduate class.. as well as a newly-offered algebra course. i also agreed to become the senior grade level coordinator at school starting june. and although at the moment, the workload is really making my head spin, i’m also thankful for the opportunity to try out new things.. new responsibilities :)

as i browse through my lengthy “to-do list” though, i’m suddenly reminded of one important item that’s missing - my quiet time :p oops. hehe.. i guess the lord is reminding me to have the proper perspective on things. that in the midst of my hectic sked and never-ending lists and plans.. i need to make room for him - his word, his plans :p

proverbs 16:3 says, “commit to the lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”

hmm. i commit all my plans to you for approval, lord :p rigid or spontaneous.. predictable or filled with surprises.. may i always put you first in my daily list :)

wonderful journey

the past days, we members of the graduation committee have been busy preparing for the commencement exercises (yes.. while other schools have already started their summer classes, our students are just about to graduate. go figure ü) a lot of hard work, effort and sweat (literally!!) was poured into the rehearsals. for the past week, our music teacher, sir reyes, guided the graduating class into practising for the graduation and baccalaureate ceremonies. he’d spend hours with the students - teaching them how to sit and walk properly, how to applaud enthusiastically and how to sing with energy (and in tune, of course ü). he’d direct the leaders, give instructions to the ushers, coordinate with the other committee chairs and discipline the batch.

as i sat through each graduation rehearsal, i became witness to the students’ reactions. some were bored. others were inattentive. a few were annoyed. and all were tired. towards the end of the last practice, a frustrated sir reyes told me, “good luck na lang sa kanila bukas..” he was disappointed with the students’ lack of enthusiasm in singing. tsk, tsk. i felt for him. there’s only so much he can do, after all.

so this morning at the baccalaureate ceremony, we were both quite nervous. we didn’t know if the kids memorized the songs.. or if they were awake enough to sing well (the program started at 6:30am). but as the ceremony continued, we’d hear people say “ang ganda naman ng baccalaureate ngayon!” “ok this year.. organized ‘yung ceremony at saka lahat ng mga bata kumakanta” and we’d just smile. i couldn’t help but remember how many times sir chris raised his voice in frustration during rehearsals. haha. mabuti na lang naging maayos ‘yung mga bata pagdating sa actual. kung alam lang nila.. ü

by 9am, the baccalaureate ceremony was over, and the students had time to go around and hug one another. sir reyes was still at the keyboard.. and soon, almost all the kids in the graduating batch were behind him.. hugging him, mussing up his hair, taking pictures with him. they were smiling and crying at the same time. and i knew, in spite of the long hours and strict discipline, they were grateful to him for being a big part of their graduation ü

these lines were taken from the song “at the beginning” (flaherty/ahrens) that sir reyes taught the graduating class:

“life is a road and i want to keep going

love is a river, i wanna keep flowing

life is a road, now and forever

wonderful journey!”

graduating from high school. getting married. getting your first job. having your first child. these are some of the sprinkled “milestones” that add color and happiness to our lives ü but the journey becomes wonderful because of the people who help us along the way.. who guide us.. who stick by us.. who encourage us in every step we take. they are our teachers. our friends. our parents. our Lord ü

“i’ll be there when the world stops turning

i’ll be there when the storm is through

in the end i wanna be standing

at the beginning with you”

i pray that in the end, i’d come running to Him.. embracing Him.. crying & smiling.. to thank Him for the loving guidance He’s provided me in the wonderful journey of life ü