LAST

december 31. the last day of 2005. tomorrow will be the start of a new year. a harbinger of what's in store for us in 2006. for most, the first day of the year symbolizes a new beginning. a chance to set things right.. to make new resolutions.. to look forward to better things. january 1st usually brings renewed hope.. and more opportunities for success and prosperity.

but for me, the last day of the year is just as important (if not *more* important) than the first. for while it is good to look to the future with hope and expectation, it is even more valuable to reflect on the blessings of the previous year. to learn from past mistakes. to reflect on the lessons of the year that was. and of course, to thank the Lord for His kindness, mercy and guidance for the whole of 2005.

so while i do look forward to the year ahead, i thank God for *everything* that's happened this 2005: the joys, the love and companionship, the friends and special people He sent my way.. and yes, even the trials, the heartaches, the mistakes and blunders that caused torrents of tears. i am grateful for all that He has allowed me to go through these past 364 days. invaluable lessons that continue to shape and mold me into the kind of person He wants me to be.

to all my friends and loved ones.. a great big THANKS to all of you Ü for your presence, for your company, for your words of wisdom, for your prayers and most of all, for your love, friendship and support. it is mostly for His gift of you that i thank the Lord Ü

A BLESSED AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE! Ü

christmas is for the kids

“all i want for christmas is my two front teeth so i can wish you merry christmas!”

christmas. just the mere mention of that word is enough to make children’s eyes sparkle.maybe it’s the thought of presents, good food and more presents that does that, hehe.whatever the reason, i believe that popular saying is true: christmas IS for children.

for as long as i could remember, we’ve always celebrated christmas with family. and by family, i mean the big, extended jorda CLAN. when i was much younger, it used to be just my titos and titas, our lolo and lola and our pinsans. but as we kids grew, so did the family.

last monday, mom, dad and i (that’s our entire family, hehehe) went to bulacan to join the rest of the clan in holding the annual Christmas celebration. when we got there, we were introduced to the “new additions” to the family - babies of my cousins and secondcousins :) after all the introductions, the greetings, hugs and kisses, it was off to the table for food, food and more food! and once everyone has had their fill, it was time for the traditional christmas program :p

if there’s one thing i remember about christmas through the years, it’s THE PROGRAM. yup. because *everyone* is asked to participate in it. young or old.. single or married.. boy or girl. if you’re a member of the family (or an aspiring member, hahaha), you *have* to join in the games or give an intermission number or a christmas message :p

the kids have no problem with that. after the initial hiya and stage fright has passed, the toddlers just give their all! they sing.. dance.. recite poems.. join games.. etc. they’re just so excited to be part of the celebration. And probably happy to be part of the family, too.

the grownups (especially my wild and wacky cousins!) have *less* of a problem with that :wala nang hiya-hiya. wala nang stage fright. They join the games. they belt their tunes. they even do standup comedy and crack jokes. it’s hilarious. it’s fun. it’s crazy. it’s *family* :)

for one day, it would seem like our family consists entirely of children. we’re wacky and noisy and loony and uninhibited and noisy and happy and galawgaw and noisy and.. well, you get the picture :p

because we’re all happy to be with each other. we’re glad to be part of the family. we’re grateful for the time to be together. and we’re thankful for the opportunity to share with one another how the Lord has blessed us for the past year :)

so yes, i believe that christmas is for kids. And i also believe that WE can all be like little children - grateful for big and small blessings, enjoying the gift of family, and able to let go of worries.. trusting in the One Who is able to provide all our needs :)

The day after Christmas: What’s Next?

The gifts under the tree are gone. The presents have been opened.. the aginaldos have been given away.. and the mouth-watering lechon consumed. It is the day after Christmas. And for most of us, it’s back to work once more. But though Christmas 2006 is already over, it does not mean our celebration has to stop! For while the season may last for only a few days, the *REASON* for our joy transcends time and culture :)

As that popular Christmas song goes:

Joy to the world! The LORD is come!

Let earth receive her King!

Let every heart prepare Him room

And heav’n and nature sing

And heav’n and nature sing

And heav’n, and heav’n and nature sing!

Joy to the world! The SAVIOR reigns!

Let men their songs employ!

While fields and floods,

Rocks, hills and plains

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat the sounding joy

Repeat, repeat the sounding joy!

Yes, we really have a reason to be joyful. In the midst of a hurting, war-torn world, we have a Savior Whom we can count on. Jesus may have been born more than 2000 years ago.. but He lives on, to this day. Giving His gift of hope.. and peace.. and healing.. and LOVE :) The decors, the carols, the presents may be gone; but let the CHRIST in Christmas always remain in our hearts :)

what can i give you this christmas?

“what can i give you this christmas? Something sparkling to go with your eyes..?” december is such a hectic month. traffic is terrible. queues at grocery and department stores are sooooo long! it’s difficult to find a place to hang out ‘coz parking lots are almost always full. there are so many parties and events to attend that no december day on my planner is vacant.

i guess this month has always been one of the most stressful for me. and it isn’t just the traffic or the hectic schedule that makes me uptight. what really occupies my thoughts during the holiday season is one question: “what do i give my friends/loved ones for christmas?” for me, this question isn’t something that’s easy to answer. there are many things to consider, after all.. such as: (1) what does he/she want? (2) do i know where to buy it? (3) is it something that his/her other friends might get for him/her? (4) can i afford to give him/her that gift?.. and so on.

christmas was *way* more fun when i was younger. haha. when you’re a kid, you’re only excited to get presents. you don’t worry about what to buy for your friends (usually your mom/dad does that for you). and you certainly don’t concern yourself with stuff like budget, parking and the like. you just wait for your gift.. and tear through tons of presents and envelopes with christmas money.

now that i’m older, though, the Christmas season feels so different. it’s busy. it’s rushed. it’s hectic. it’s stressful. and somehow, the fun and excitement i used to feel just got hidden away somewhere :(

it’s really hard to come up with that *perfect* gift for that *perfect* someone. personally, I find it so much harder to look for gifts for those who are close to me. probably it’s ‘coz nothing seems good enough. and the stuff that i want to give, i cannot afford :( and it just sucks. and i thought, maybe the same is true with me and God. i try to do so many things.. try to dream up ways by which i could please Him. and more often than not, i end up frustrated because i simply cannot be perfect. and I cannot be content with my offering because it’s not good enough.

“what can i give You this christmas?” yes, Lord what *can* i give You? as the song goes, “what can we give that You have not given? and what do we have that is not already Yours?” hmmm.. i don’t have much to offer. nothing perfect. nothing good enough, even. “but i’ll give You my heart and my own true love.. that will last the whole year through..”

and maybe, that’s all You want from me, after all :) happy birthday, Jesus! and i hope You can make use of my gift for You this year :)

the benefit of friends

today is the last prayer meeting for 2006. whaaaaat?!?!?! hahaha.. how quickly time flies! christmas is just around the corner (12 days away, to be exact).. and soon, the year will officially be over.

it seems as if 2006 just zipped by (literally!). i barely noticed the days pass. the past 365 days have probably been some of my busiest ever.. and also some of the most stressful: major problems at work.. extremely hectic schedules.. financial concerns.. discernment issues.. illnesses and health problems.. fatigue and insomnia, etc. all these kept me company throughout the year.

2006 sure has been one heck of a stressful year.. but i definitely wouldn’t call it all bad :p for though trials and difficulties abound, God’s grace and blessings abound even more :)

for me, the most important gifts that the Lord has given are the blessings of loved ones: people i love and who love me in return :) i’ve been blessed with the greatest parents in the world (hahaha.. sorry na lang ‘yung iba :p); and i would’ve been content having just both of them (did you know that parents can be really great friends & confidantes?! :p)

but probably to cushion the blows of the tests and trials i had to go through this year, God gave me the unexpected blessing of two special friends. they’re not perfect (who is?!).. but they understand and accept my imperfections.. and they are ever-ready sounding boards and shock absorbers :p

oh.. and did i mention that they’re always around to aid me whenever we’re in urgent need of an article for the newsletter? :p they also help promote (and sell!) our christmas album as well as update and layout our lyrics :) and they do so cheerfully. heck, i don’t even have to ask them.. ‘coz they volunteer! :)

this year, i learned that in friendship, it’s not the length of time you’ve known each other that counts. rather, it’s how much you give of yourselves.. and how willing you are to receive that gift.. that matters :)

“and if you just hold on.. if you find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay. because we all need a little help sometimes.. someone to help us hear the music in the world.. to remind us that it won’t always be this way.” - meredith grey

yup, i’ve had my share of troubles this year. but i’m glad i was able to suck it up.. to grin and bear it for another day :) ‘coz when i needed a little help, He sent me people to make it all okay :)

thank God for the benefit of friends! it’s going to be a merry christmas, indeed :p

ps: i’m working on that ‘beso beso’ thing :p

the heart of the matter

the other day, i was watching the national geographic channel. the title of the show was “fight science.” it was about the mysteries of martial arts.. and the search for the “ultimate weapon” in combat. in the show, scientists wanted to verify whether the legends about ninjas and martial arts experts were true. they wanted to find out if these people could really do seemingly superhuman acts (such as leaping from one high pole to another; breaking blocks that even sledgehammers could not shatter; and spinning a spear so fast that it actually forms a shield around the warrior).

i sat amazed as i watched the show. featured there were several martial arts experts trained in wielding various weapons. there was a master of ninjitsu (a ninja) who demonstrated perfect balance and speed. there were two burly brothers who used their hands, heads and entire bodies to shatter more than a dozen concrete blocks. there were also the weapon-wielding masters who used their favorite “tools”: the short stick, the “chako”, the spear and the samurai sword. it was unbelievable! i thought all these were simply legends. so did the scientists. but the numbers spewed out by their gadgets did not lie. these warriors were exhibiting strength that surpassed even that of the strongest muscleman. they were, quite literally, superhuman.

the scientists naturally wanted to know what enabled these warriors to perform such feats. they found out that some of them have altered physical characteristics. the brothers who shattered concrete with their bare hands? their bones were much, much denser than the average human’s. how did that happen? training. discipline. and lots and lots of pain. the quote “what does not kill you makes you stronger” certainly applies in their case.

what i found truly admirable, however, was not the strength/agility/accuracy of the warriors. what i marveled at was their control.. their discipline. imagine having the ability to bring down walls with one punch.. to kill a person with a single jab! think of the responsibility that comes with such great power! in the wrong hands.. such power can truly be deadly.

after the sticks, the spears and the swords were evaluated, the scientists concluded that there was more to these martial artists than just their skills and physical abilities. the ultimate weapon was not any of those that they wielded. it was not even their highly trained minds and bodies: “as every true fighter knows, the most important weapon is the heart of the warrior.”

we too are warriors. warriors for the Lord. and in our daily lives, we struggle.. we bear our crosses.. we try to discipline ourselves as we learn how to walk the Christian walk. we endeavor to strengthen our spiritual bones and muscles. we practice our faith. we try to please the Father the best way we know how. sometimes we stumble.. and sometimes we fall. but as we continue our training, He empowers us and changes us. and makes us truly superhuman.

in the end, the heart of the matter is really a matter of the heart. if we have the right heart, He will be faithful to transform us into more than what we ever imagined we could be.

Magnificently Obsessed

Just the other day, I was listening to this Christian radio station. They were discussing what makes a person truly successful. According to the teacher, there are three P’s a person needs in order to excel: Patience, Perseverance and Passion. She proceeded to say that disciplined athletes develop the first two traits. However, only a few of them truly possess the last. And it is Passion that separates the great from those who are merely good.

After listening to the short teaching, I wondered to myself, “What am I really passionate about?” I know I enjoy doing a lot of stuff; and some of these, I am quite good at. But what is that *one* thing that makes my face light up when I talk about it? What is it that I am *really* into.. that occupies my thoughts 24/7? What is that one thing I am willing to risk everything for? What is my one obsession?

Matthew 6:20 - 21 says, “But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
Where my treasure is, there my heart will also be. The Lord has given me a lot of gifts in the form of talents, friends and loved ones. And these are treasures, indeed. But none of these can surpass the greatness of the Giver Himself.

Sometimes I forget this simple truth. It’s so easy to be blinded by the gifts. It’s so easy to be distracted; to lose sight of my Magnificent Obsession.

I want *so much* to be the best that I can be as His child - to be as excellent.. as perfect as He wants me to be. And I know that before I can be that, I must have a burning passion for Him. So I pray this song:

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

Yes, Lord.. be my Magnificent Obsession.

silence is (not) easy

some of us laugh, some of us cry,
some of us smoke, some of us lie,
but it's all just the way that we cope with our lives.
- starsailor, “some of us”

this morning, my student teacher taught my senior class for the first time. he nervously introduced himself to the students.. then proceeded to discuss how to graph the basic trigonometric functions. after half an hour of giving illustrations and feverishly writing down notes on the board, my student teacher asked the class, “do you have any questions?” and my students’ response? silence. no shaking of heads. no nods. no questions. no frowns. no smiles. nothing but blank stares. *sigh* and i couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for my student teacher. hmm. silence from the entire class. the usually rowdy senior class, at that. tsk, tsk. that can’t be good..

that silent, blank stare from students is probably one of the worst things that could happen to me in class. noisy students, i can somewhat tolerate. even the makulit and matanong students, i can stand. but to be met with expressionless stares and “NR” (no reaction) looks.. well, that really makes me lose my composure.

i have to admit.. i hate silence, not just in the classroom, but in my daily life as well. i always have to be doing something. whether it is keeping in touch with friends, watching TV or texting. i even go to bed with my zen (my mp3 player).. ‘coz i find it hard to sleep without my music.

most of us, when faced with silence, are unnerved. silence is not easy. it can even be downright frightening. maybe because we’re not used to it. we’ve grown so accustomed to the “background noises” of life. we are so busy with our work and numerous activities. our minds are so distracted with schedules, chores, financial concerns and other worries. we surround ourselves with friends, loved ones and people we depend on for stability and security.

in the busyness of life, we find it difficult to just sit still and enjoy solitude. even in our quiet devotions, we often feel uncomfortable waiting on the Lord. we want the answer to our prayers now. and when we do not hear Him answering our petitions, we worry.. we fret.. we become impatient. we are unnerved.

brothers and sisters, if right now you cannot seem to hear the Lord’s voice.. if you are feeling impatient with His silence.. if you are starting to doubt whether He hears you or cares about your plight.. let this verse encourage you:

“be still and know that I am God..” (psalm 46:10)

He is Lord. is that not a comforting thought? :) and all we need to do is to be still before this wonderful God.. and bask in His loving presence.

it may take a bit of getting used to.. but by His grace, we will all learn to enjoy His quiet, gentle presence :)

God bless!

analyzing pain

this has been a most exciting weekend for me. and for most pinoys as well. manny “pacman” pacquiao was once again pitted against eric morales; and everybody was excited to watch the fight.

we rooted for pacquiao.. cheered him on.. even prayed for him. and now that he won, we feel so proud. we’re all glad that once again, he gives this country something to boast about.

but what if things turned out differently? if manny had lost.. if he had not beaten morales in this bout.. how would we have felt? would we still have been proud of him? would we still have been able to hold our heads high and say, “magaling ang pinoy!”?

oftentimes, we put too much importance on victory and triumph.. on success and winning. we focus all our energies into making sure everything turns out perfectly. there’s nothing wrong with aiming for excellence. but we should always remember that the greatest triumphs are made sweeter by the most bitter defeats. and that behind every glorious moment of victory are a hundred moments of pain and sacrifice.

before pacquiao became the star that he now is, he had to go through intense and rigid training. perhaps manny already was one of the better boxers when he started out. but if he did not endure long hours of sparring sessions.. if he just gave up because his muscles ached.. or because he cut his lip.. or because he shed some blood.. he never would have risen to “hero” status.

pain. we are all acquainted with it. but not all of us understand that the experience of pain is one of the greatest blessings. pain teaches us to be humbly dependent on the Lord. pain warns us when we are straying from His path. pain helps us to empathize with others who are hurting. pain makes us aware of our mortality and frailties. pain helps us identify our areas of weakness - spiritual or otherwise. and pain makes us more grateful.. more joyful when success comes around.

the great martyrs and saints died for their faith. they served as witnesses for the Lord, despite the most cruel tortures and most inhumane conditions. they were especially called to suffer. and they were able to endure to the end because God allowed them to suffer many trials and persecutions throughout their lives. until they learned to value their pains. until they learned to embrace their cross.

so if you are going through some tough times right now.. if you are in pain and you can’t seem to understand why.. if you feel like a loser and there doesn’t seem to be a way out.. that’s okay. cry. scream. rant. shout it out. vent. cry some more. but do it all in His presence.

because the Suffering Servant understands. He knows how to endure.. and He gives the same grace to all who ask in His name. He heals the broken-hearted. He binds up our wounds.

and more importantly, He teaches us how to embrace our own crosses. and He walks along with us.. on our journey to Calvary.

naked

“when the music fades, all is stripped away and i simply come.. longing just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless Your heart” (heart of worship)

last wednesday, the leaders of the community participated in a eucharistic celebration with special rites for installation. we were asked to write on a piece of paper our answer to one simple question: “what are you willing to give up in service to the Lord?”

it was a deceptively simple question. the more i thought about it, the more i realized that answering it required two things of me: (1) i had to know what God wanted me to surrender; and (2) i had to be willing to give it up.

fr. bobby, in his homily, mentioned that as leaders, we would be the first to die. ok, probably not literally.. but i get his point. the call to leadership is not a “promotion” as the worldwould see it. true, it is a privilege.. but it comes with a price, too. it means dying to ourselves every day. it means being subject to authority. it means serving with humility. it means giving not just dutifully but cheerfully. it means going beyond what is asked of us. it means being more understanding.. more compassionate.. more forgiving.. more caring.. more loving.

i remember thinking once, “Lord, how could You expect this of me? i don’t think i can do this..” and it’s true. i can’t do it. i can’t be this super-cheerful, sunshiny girl overnight. i can’t learn everything i’m supposed to do in one sitting. i can’t, all of a sudden, be not tired nor grumpy when work piles up. i am weak. i am imperfect. i am unworthy.

and i am called. and i said yes.

and because i did, it doesn’t matter that i can’t do it. God will help me out. and together, we can do it :)

it is said that when God wants to bless you, He first separates you from that which you most hold dear. He continues to tear away.. to cut.. to chip off your attachments.. until everything is stripped away. and you are left with nothing. until you are utterly naked before Him.

and then He will restore. and give back all that He has “taken away” from you. until He has filled you up. until you are utterly blessed.

i admit. it is a scary thought. and more than half the time i feel like i’m not ready for it. but it is my heart’s desire. and i know He will be there to walk with me.. every step of the way :)

Ano Ba ang Meron sa Music Ministry?

18 years old ako nung sumali ako sa music ministry. Bagong member lang ako ng Rivers noon.. wala pang isang taon sa community (iba pa ang mga rules dati eh.. halata bang sobrang tagal na nun?! haha!) Pero dahil mahilig akong kumanta, naisip kong sumali sa choir.

Mula sa audition.. hanggang sa pag-attend ng mga practice.. at sa pagkanta-kanta sa misa at prayer meeting.. lagi akong may kaba noon. Pakiramdam ko lahat ng mga kasama ko ang galing-galing magtanda ng tono.. at confident nang kumanta sa mic.. tapos ayun ako, hindi man lang mailakas ang boses.

Pero unti-unti, naging at home naman ako sa music ministry. Naenjoy ko ang practices at nagkaroon ng mga close friends sa ministry. Natutunan kong bigyan ng halaga ang disiplina - mula sa pagdadala ng required na recorder/tape, lyrics/clearbook hanggang sa pagdating nang maaga sa practice.

May mga bagay rin akong nadiskubre tungkol sa sarili ko habang nagse-serve ako sa loob ng music ministry. Nalaman ko na mabilis pala akong mag-memorize ng mga kanta. Nae-enjoy ko pala mag-type at mag-file ng mga lyrics. At kaya ko rin palang i-appreciate ‘yung kakaibang tono na pinapakanta sa aming mga alto, hehe :p

Sa mga taong inilagi ko sa music ministry, natural lang na hindi panay saya na lang ang pinagdaanan ko. May mga nakatampuhan ako.. nakasigawan.. naiyakan.. kinainisan. Pero matapos ang 12 years, nandito pa rin ako. Hindi nagsasawa at hindi napapagod.

Bakit? Siguro kasi masasabi ko na dito sa ministry na ito ako nag-grow nang husto. ‘Yung mga teachings tungkol sa mga pinagdadaanan sa community.. pakikisama sa mga tao.. commitment.. dedication.. service sa Diyos.. lahat ‘yan na-experience ko sa ministry service. Hindi nga puro sarap at saya. Pero ‘yung mga experience na akala ko sobrang hirap at sobrang masakit.. ngayong natapos na, na-realize ko na ginamit din ni Lord para ma-improve ako :)

So. Ano nga ba ang meron sa music ministry? Saya. Hirap. Pagdidisiplina. Pagsasamahan. Tawanan. Iyakan. Pagsisilbi.

Maraming mga kuwento. Abangan na lamang ang mga susunod pa.. :)

masks

not because of who i am, but because of what You've done. not because of what i've done, but because of who You are.

--who am i (casting crowns)

what’s up with halloween? i mean, what’s the point of dressing up in scary costumes.. trying your best to look frightening or just downright gory? it seems silly to me; especially since no one really gets scared by the monster masks or the jack-o’-lantern. well, at least, no one i know, hehe.

i know what would be *really* scary for me, though. it has nothing to do with ugly monster masks. nope. what’s scarier would be if everyone were to see everyone else totally without their masks.

picture this. you’re walking along the mall and you see an ad featuring this scantily-clothed sexy celebrity.. and you find yourself imagining some not-so-wholesome scenarios in your mind. then suddenly, your thoughts are revealed to everyone standing within 50 feet of you.. including all the lurid details.

or what if, during one prayer meeting, as you smile at your brothers and sisters in the community, you see your “ex-bestfriend” standing in a corner. you trusted her with your deepest, darkest secrets; but you got into a fight. now you’re not even on speaking terms. she sees you.. and suddenly, all her thoughts are broadcast to the entire rivers community. including that one secret that you don’t want anyone else to know.

why are these scenarios scary? because in truth, all of us wear our masks. we try to hide the filth that’s inside us. we put our best foot forward, making sure we look nice on the outside. we try to be polite.. respectable.. pious, even. we want everyone to see that we are good.

but what happens when our masks are torn off? if our dearest, closest friends could see us for *who we really are*.. would they still love us? would they even still like us?

it may be frightening to reveal everything about ourselves to our friends. even to our loved ones. but we need never fear taking off our masks before the One Who already sees us for who we are. He knows our darkest deeds and most secret thoughts.

brothers and sisters, as we strive to know the Lord, let us not be afraid to let Him know our *true* selves too. we do not need masks before Him. He knows *everything* about us. and He loves us just the same :)

that should be the end of all our nightmares :)

one fine day

as i write this article, one word is on my mind. DEATH. no, i am *not* being morbid nor suicidal. it’s just that recent events sort of force the topic on me.. so i have no choice but to think about it more deeply than i normally do.

last sunday, fr. mar in his homily mentioned the passing of their priest, fr. javellana. he described the latter’s suffering, and how fr. javellana’s disease caused his final years to be full of pain and humiliation. tonight, our choir is going to sing at his wake at st. paul.

this weekend, too, a relative of ours finally succumbed to cancer. my dad’s cousin was found to have a brain tumor around two years ago. she was operated on and put on radiation therapy; but there was no cure for her anymore. we witnessed how her condition deteriorated bit by bit. it was sad how we saw her change from this charming lady who would graciously welcome us to her home.. into somebody who could no longer talk, walk or even eat on her own. we will go to her wake in tarlac tomorrow.

then this morning, my mom’s inaanak died. complications arising from diabetes caused her organs to fail, and eventually led to her demise.

death. the great equalizer. it’s ironic how so few of us are preparing for it even though we are sure all of us will one day experience it.

on 01november, most of us will be at the cemeteries to visit the graves of our departed loved ones. the newly-bereaved will shed tears at the tombstones; while others (who have been going to the cemetery for years) will see that day as an opportunity to have a family get-together (complete with merienda, board games and radios, of course!) but i wonder just how many of us will *really* think about death on that day.

“life and love and why.. child, adult, then die. all of your hoping and all of your searching.. for what? ask me for what am i living or what gives me strength that i'm willing to die for“

- switchfoot

someone once said “in order to live life fully, one must constantly be prepared to give it up peacefully.” hmmm. this *does* seem to be a wise saying. because the life we live in this mortal body is only *practice* for the life we will live after we cross death’s threshold. so every day must be a day of preparation for the *real* life the Father prepared for us - an eternity of glory with Him.

and while it is true that death brings fear, grief and sorrow to so many of us, let us take courage and consolation in these words:

“for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Rom 8:38-39

*nothing* separates us from His love :) and hopefully, when it is our turn to cross the threshold, we will no longer be frightened, but relieved. grateful for the end of all our suffering.. and eager for the rewards of a life well-lived.

may that day truly be one fine day for all of us.

written in the stars

“..when i look at my life, how the pieces fall into place.. it just wouldn’t rhyme without You. when i see how my paths seem to end up before Your face.. the state of my heart.. the place where we are was written in the stars..”

some call it fate. others say it’s mere coincidence. nothing but chance. or maybe even luck. but i think otherwise. i’m not a great believer of coincidences. but i do believe in destiny.

i’m a member of the music ministry - an alto, actually. and because we usually do not sing the melody of the song, our tune sounds.. uhm, well.. “out of tune” to most people (at least, di nila masyado halata kapag sintunado kami, hehehe :p). sometimes it’s difficult for me to learn the alto part of a song. often, it doesn’t sound natural. i get distracted because i’m used to hearing only the melody. sometimes the lyrics we sing are different. at other times, we sing in counterpoint. it really could be quite a challenge to learn our part well.

i remember a time when bro rannie was teaching us the harmony of one particular song.. and we altos were having a difficult time learning the piece. we were all wincing as we sang.. unsure of our notes.. uncertain of our timing. we were all looking at each other, thinking “ang pangit-pangit naman nitong kantang ‘to” :p listening to the tenors and basses didn’t change our opinions, either. their parts didn’t sound any better than ours.

so it was such a pleasant surprise for us when *all of us* sang the song together: sopranos, altos, tenors and basses. the song was wonderful! :) individually, our parts sounded stilted.. incomplete. but sung altogether, the music sounded just right :)

i guess the same goes with our lives. we often undergo tough, trying times. we find it difficult to understand why we have to experience pain and hardship. we tell ourselves, “ang pangit-pangit naman nitong sitwasyon ko”.. and we fail to see the lessons we can learn. we look around and all we see are bits and pieces of unfulfilled plans and broken dreams. and we ask God “bakit Mo pinapayagang mangyari ito sa akin?”.. and we say, “if only i did this.. or if only i didn’t do that.. things would have turned out much better”

but like i said, i do not believe in mere coincidences. what i do believe in is a God who knows every twist and turn in our “chaotic” lives. we see failures and dead ends. He sees opportunities and endless possibilities. in His hands, our broken bits and pieces are turned into colorful mosaics. and our seemingly sintunado tunes are all part of this wonderful masterpiece that He Himself composed :)

“but you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people set apart, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” 1 peter 2:9

our names are not just written in the stars. they are written in His hands :)

so live life with no regrets! He is in control :)

come around

i’m writing this on a tuesday (when most of the articles/contributions for the newsletter are submitted to us online). it’s almost lunchtime and i still have no article written. usually, i’m done by monday night. this week, though, nothing seems to come to mind.

so i started proofreading and editing the contributions submitted by our brothers and sisters in the community. one wrote about her difficulties as she struggles to belong to the rivers community. someone wrote about praying for her “special someone” while another praised God for sending him the love of his life. hmmm. that gave me an idea what to write about.. :)

when i turned 30 two weeks ago (i still can’t get used to the fact that i’m *this* old, wahahaha!), a lot of people warmly greeted me their birthday wishes. along with the greeting, though, some asked that question most single ladies my age dread to hear: “o ano, may boypren ka na ba? wala pa?! naku, dapat bilisan mo na! kelan ka pa makakapag-asawa niyan? kelan mo pa mabibigyan ng apo ang mommy at daddy mo nyan?” hmmmm. right :)

i still recall how i started writing for this newsletter. it all started with a broken heart that needed a place to express its pain. after writing a couple of articles, i noticed that a lot of other people started sharing their own stories - which were quite similar to mine. i guess they found that they could relate to what i wrote, hehe.

more than a year passed, and i still write (most of my “lonely hearts club” co-members still do, hehe). but not about broken hearts and pain. oh yes, sometimes, i still get lonely and sad. but now it’s different. dishing out my weekly contribution to the newsletter is no longer about venting. rather, it’s becoming aware of how God has been changing me.. healing me all this time, through the rivers community.

i know what sis lulu amo meant when she talked about wanting to leave the community several times. i’ve gone through those moments, myself.. and yet, here i am.. 11 years in the community and still happily serving :)

i can relate with “sleeping beauty” when she prayed for her special someone. hahaha. the Lord knows i’ve done that, too (though i haven’t written anything *remotely* like the letter she wrote. awwww..)

someday, i hope i’d be able to write something like what bro lei wrote. maybe one day i’ll be able to proclaim God’s goodness when He sends me the love of my life :p hmm. well, that has yet to happen.. but who knows, right?! :p

as i read the articles submitted by our brothers and sisters, i can’t help but feel happy. happy that God is faithful. happy that i belong to this rivers community. happy to know that i have brethren who have gone through the trials i’ve experienced.. and have survived.. just like me!

“..am i gonna be lonely for the rest of my life? i’m gonna be lonely for the rest of my life.. unless YOU come around..” (rhett miller)

i was lonely then. but not anymore. “weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning” (ps 30:5) loneliness doesn’t last forever. sadness won’t be with you all the time. especially not in a community where you have so many brothers and sisters helping you on your Christian walk :)

the Lord continues to be faithful to me. so many people continue to help me in my journey towards God. and in gratitude, i now try to come around for others. nothing grand.. just small gestures: sharing my experiences through this newsletter, inviting a friend over to the LSS, helping out in the ministry, giving tithes/love offerings, etc.

how about you? will you come around? :)

tears in the rain

and i'll praise you in this storm / and i will lift my hands / for You are who You are no matter where i am / and every tear i've cried You hold in your hand / You never left my side / and though my heart is torn / i will praise You in this storm

- casting crowns

someone once wrote, “the surefire way to determine whether a child has grown up is if he can cry tears of joy.” i didn’t understand it fully at the time i read it; but the quote came to mind when i attended the leaders’ retreat last weekend (27-29oct).

i have a confession to make. when sis nona and sis lau asked me if i was willing to be head of publications, my head screamed “NO!” so it came as a surprise to me when i found myself saying “yes” to them.. after i ran out of reasons for declining the position.

it was difficult for me to accept a leadership post in the community for several reasons. for one thing, i was assigned to head a ministry i knew next to nothing about. sure, i wrote regularly for the newsletter.. knew how to layout and find articles for inclusion. but i didn’t know much about documenting or archiving talks.. or selling books.. or taking inventory of stocks.. or accounting/auditing. i was scared because i didn’t want to mess things up. and i didn’t want to be blamed in case things don’t turn out so well.

but what made it much harder for me was the fact that i’ve already been a head of a ministry several years ago. i *know* what it’s like to be in a leadership position - the countless meetings.. the demands on energy & resources.. the long hours trying to figure out how to make the ministry run more smoothly.. and of course, the intrigues. just remembering how it was for me back then really scared me. leadership, i felt, was a thankless job. and i wasn’t so sure if i was willing to go through all that again.

that was my disposition when i went to the leaders’ retreat. to put it bluntly, napilitan lang ako kasi required pumunta. i thought to myself, hindi ako handa para dito. ni hindi ko nga ginusto ito. marami pang dapat ayusin sa akin.. bakit naman kasi ngayon pa ako pinapag-head?

but as i listened to the different talks by bro chito and msgr rig, i realized one basic truth: there is no one worthy enough to serve the Lord. not me. not my fellow retreat-goers. not even our retreat masters! each of us is a sinner. more than that, however, each of us is an aspiring saint :) and God *wants* us to serve Him.. not because of who we are or what we’ve accomplished in life.. but in spite of who we are - weaknesses and all :)

before the retreat ended, we were all asked to go around.. to embrace our brothers and sisters and make them feel God’s love. it was truly a blessed moment. those who harbored resentment and bitter feelings towards each other, all of a sudden were hugging and crying.. saying “i’m sorry” and “i love you, bro/sis”. the feeling of heaviness.. all the doubt.. the fears.. and everything else that seemed to hold us back from serving the Lord.. all these just melted away as we went around embracing each other :)

now, crying is definitely not one of my talents. but on that day.. at that moment.. i simply could not stop my tears from flowing. but i was not sad. no, not at all. i was happy.. for me, for those who have been enlightened and empowered, and for everyone who has been healed and are ready to serve the Lord.

it was then that i knew the quote was true. the only way for a person to know true joy is for him to understand its price. when we realize the meaning of our suffering.. when we begin to see that our weaknesses serve a purpose.. when we understand that our frailties are used by God to bring us closer to Him.. then, and only then, are we able to rejoice with others to the point of tears.

i am unworthy. but my Lord is Worthy. and He will always be worthy - of my praises, of my love, and of my tears. sunshine or rain. yes, Lord.. always yes :)

chasing rainbows

for the past week, the word on everyone’s lips (especially here in manila) was “milenyo.” wreaking havoc and leaving destruction everywhere in luzon, this storm devastated so many areas. in spite of the fact that it lasted only a couple of hours, milenyo caused extensive damage to infrastructure, agriculture and livelihood.

news of the storm scared a lot of people. almost everybody stayed indoors, afraid to leave the safety of their homes. then power was cut off, and suddenly, even the home was not a place of comfort and refuge. some families had no potable water and no working phone line. some didn’t even have any candles left in their homes. with no electricity, people became restless and edgy. groceries and malls were closed. main means of transport - the lrt and mrt - were shut down. cell phone batteries went dead and mobile networks lost a lot of their cell sites, making communication extremely difficult. hmmm. only a few hours after milenyo passed through, it seemed as if the entire city was thrown back to primitive times.

i heard someone remark, “kawawa naman ang pilipinas, lagi na lang nasasalanta ng ganitong mga bagyo. hanggang kailan kaya tayo ganito? maawa naman sana ang Diyos..”

hmm. think for a moment, though. don’t you wonder what what it is that made this storm so devastating? it’s kinda weird - milenyo was not very “rainy” in as far as storms go. it didn’t last long, either. in fact, by thursday afternoon, the skies were quite sunny again. what made everything so crazy wasn’t the storm, per se, but its aftermath: the blackouts, the debris and the suspension of classes and work. what made things so much worse was that people were not prepared. we’re so used to having storms passing by our area of responsibility that we don’t take storm warnings very seriously. we don’t check our flashlights and candles. we depend so much on technology that we forget how to do our work without the help of our electrical appliances. we simply assume that we’ll always have water to drink and phones to communicate with.

a song by switchfoot goes “oh Lord, why did You forsake me? oh Lord, don't be far away away. storm clouds gathering beside me. please Lord, don't look the other way” i think many would have been able to relate to those lines. but i don’t think God was in hiding these past days. i think, through this storm, He was trying to show us what kind of people we really are.

were we prepared when the storm finally hit.. or were we forced to borrow resources from friends and neighbors? did we try to reach out to others in concern? did we volunteer our help in clearing the streets.. or were we among those hastily clipping off electric cables to sell? did we thank God for electricity, for water and for safety.. or were we continually grumbling about how long it took for power to come back on?

sometimes, we are too busy seeking comfort that we are easily displaced when hard times come. we are too caught up chasing after rainbows that we miss the point: there would be no rainbow without the rain. oftentimes, the Lord uses dark times to bring a lot of things to light. and His promise of a rainbow only came after 40 days of cleansing rain.

“two scared little runaways hold fast to the break of day light where the shadow proves the sunshine”

we don’t have to be afraid. we just need to hold fast in the midst of the storm. because He’s always in control. there’s always a lesson for us to learn. the shadows only prove the Sunshine ü

another me

27 september 2006. i’ve been on this planet for three decades already. sheesh. has it really been that long?! am i really this old?!

the week before my birthday was a very busy one for me. i made visual aids and makeup tests at school (checked tons of papers, too). sunday, i went to my tutees to help them keep up with their math lessons. i spent time with friends (who keep complaining that i am never available anymore). and i went to our “must attend” practices and recording sessions (our christmas album is finished, at last! yay! ü) yup, the past days have been so hectic.. i barely had time to prepare for my special day.

for me, birthdays have always been special. when i was a kid, i loved september because that always meant i’d get lots of gifts (hehehe). i was my grandma’s favorite apo.. and she always made sure i’d get at least two new dresses for my birthday - one for church, and one for the party that she always prepares for me.

when my grandparents died (and i was bit older), the big parties turned into simple family dinners. but that didn’t make my birthdays any less special. my dad would prepare this special “treasure hunt” for me. i think he just liked to make me work hard to find my gift, hehehe ü

but somewhere along the way.. september became a dreaded month for me. i don’t know how or why it happened. maybe it was because i didn’t want to grow old. maybe i hated the fact that i didn’t have a “special someone” to share it with. maybe i “grew up” and became cynical. or maybe that day just made me feel that after all those years, i still had not done anything worthwhile. all i know is that one day, i realized i just didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. it was a “special” day, all right - a day i especially hated.

but not this year. not anymore ü i guess i’m grateful that in all the busyness this year, i did not have time to mope and feel bad about myself. i decided to use this day to take a long, hard look at myself.. to be less depressed and more productive ü so i made some “resolutions” (hey, birthdays are as good a time as new year to make these!).

1. i’m going to smile more and laugh more

2. i will try to make more friends

3. i will be a dedicated worker, not just in the ministry, but moreso in my job

4. i’m going to be a bit more adventurous

5. i won’t leave room for regret and self-pity

just now, i came across these lines from a song:

“let me feel, i don't care if i breakdown / let me fall, even if i hit the ground / and if i cry a little.. die a little

at least i know i lived, just a little”

(let me fall, bethany joy lenz)

three decades on this planet and i’m still learning.. still growing up ü i have not moved mountains. i have not written award-winning novels. i have not won the nobel peace prize.. or any prize, for that matter. but that’s fine with me. ‘coz the way i see it, it took all these years for me to make my mistakes.. to learn from them.. and to start being a better person ü

i may not get that nobel peace prize.. but i’m quite sure that one day, the Lord has something even greater in store for me: the promise of a new me - one He can proudly point at and say “see? she looks just like Me!” ü

christmas in september

this september turned out to be one of the merriest months for me this year. it’s been a month full of “happy-nings” hehehe ü for one thing, i am celebrating my birthday today (sheesh.. have i really been on this planet for three decades?! ü). as it turns out, my new friend, colleen, also celebrates her birthday on september. it’s also this month that i received official news of my tenure at school. oh.. and it seems that this september, i’ve had a record number of “dates” with various friends ü hahaha. yup, this month sure brought a lot of unexpected blessings for me :)

this year, i’m getting a “birthday bonus” too. because today, the rolwcc music ministry is finally launching its first ever christmas album entitled “melodies and harmonies of christmas” ü yup, it’s *finally* done!! and just in the nick of time.. haha. natapos din nang september.. in fact, our last recording session took place last night (the 26th) - a day before my special day. imagine spending the first hours of your september birthday singing christmas carols with friends in the ministry. how cool is that?! :p

all of us in the ministry worked *really* hard to come up with this christmas album. unknown to many, we started this project as early as march/april this year. just as we did when we worked on the “amazing love” cd, we spent countless hours in the recording studio (4-5 hours per session). we were practicing the christmas songs on top of our usual repertoire (for prayer meetings, tv masses and special services). many nights, we were sleep-deprived and exhausted. not to mention incessantly worrying over “quartets” and singing solo in front of bro. rannie, hehehe ü it’s been an insanely hectic 6 months. but we all had a blast :)

i’m glad that the music ministry’s project is *finally* completed. i’m really excited to share our music with friends at work and with other family members. but i guess part of me will miss those late-night stints at the recording studio.. the puzzled looks from passersby whenever they hear us singing christmas carols in june.. the crazy photo shoot.. the “bonding” over dinner while waiting for our turn to sing. yup.. i think i’m speaking for almost all of us in the ministry when i say that while we’re glad we have more time for rest now, we’re definitely going to miss all of these.

it feels wonderful to be able to take part in completing a labor of love such as this. for me, the feeling of joy.. the sense of accomplishment.. and the pride that comes with being involved in this endeavor.. well, those are great blessings, indeed. more than that, though, i’m really grateful to have the privilege of serving with people who have truly become the brothers and sisters i never had ü

so on this merry month of september, i celebrate my birthday. and i mean *really* celebrate ü not with a fancy party. not with a bang. not with lots of frills or thrills. but i celebrate my special day with a genuine smile on my face.. and in my heart ü and i say a special prayer of thanks.. for the greatest blessings that the Lord has given me for the past three decades - my family, my friends and this community ü and i’m grateful for the early “christmas” spirit He’s made me feel, too, hehehe :p

christmas in september. not a bad idea, huh? spread the joy around. remember.. everyday is a good day to celebrate the Lord’s birth ü merry christmas, everyone!

made to heal

“life isn't fair, i don't deserve this / how did this start, and when will it pass? / i want a chance though i may falter / here at this altar / i dare to ask you to heal me / won't you heal me? ” (gary chapman)

up until last month, i have never heard of fr. suarez. so even though fr. mar recounted three sundays ago the healing miracles performed by this priest, i did not think it would be such a big deal.

but last wednesday, i found out just how wrong i was. the healing mass was supposed to start at 6pm, and we who were asked to serve were requested to be at the megatrade hall by 3pm. i was at megamall by 1pm and saw, much to my surprise, the *really* long queue waiting to enter the venue. from what i’ve heard, a lot of these people were in line as early as 10am; and most came from faraway places.

given the circumstances, heated words and soaring tempers were inevitable. “kailan niyo ba kami papapasukin?” “hindi na kayo naawa..” “bakit inuuna niyo pa sila samantalang kanina pa kaming umaga dito..” “anong klase ba namang organizers kayo? nagkakagulo na kami dito nakatayo lang kayo diyan?” “talagang mga burgis pala kayo” “pumunta kami dito para magmisa.. anong karapatan niyong pagsarhan kami ng pinto?” “ang dami pa namang lugar sa loob, bakit ayaw niyo kaming papasukin?” on and on and on and on went the rants of the people who wanted healing.

meantime, the greeters, security team, administrators and everyone else involved in the activity, were feeling quite harassed. they felt the brunt of the people’s ire.. got cussed at.. insulted.. accused of all sorts of things.. and blamed for everybody’s misery.

it made me sad to witness these things happening; especially at an event that was supposed to bring all people closer to a healing God. i thought, “why couldn’t everyone just be more patient.. more tolerant of one another? we’re all tired, hungry and impatient. why can’t they just stop griping?!” i was tired of the bickering outside the hall.. the jostling and the bitching and all the complaints. i was starting to feel grumpy, myself.

and then i looked at fr. suarez as he was healing all the people lined up in front of him. he was tired (he had another healing session earlier that day). he was hungry. people demanded a lot from him: time, attention, healing. he was probably more exhausted than anyone else in the venue. and yet fr. suarez just kept on healing. and as he did, he smiled! yes.. this priest, to whom our Lord gave His healing power, had enough humility and compassion to keep flashing a smile in the midst of a desperate crowd hungry for healing.

i don’t know how fr. suarez does it. i don’t know how he manages to stay on his toes for practically an entire day and still keep his cool (let alone smile). i don’t know how he can keep seeing hope for our country despite everything that’s happening around us.

there’s one thing i know, however. that day, i learned that fr. suarez is not the only one called to heal people. the Lord made all of us healers.. in different ways. because there are so many hurting wounded children of God out there. and we all have parts to play in their healing. a kind word.. an encouraging pat on the back.. a shoulder to cry on.. a smile that brings hope. simple gestures that He can use to bring about miraculous healing.

maybe He is fr. suarez’ secret.. his Source of strength, compassion and hope. because whom the Lord calls, He also empowers.

“i dare to ask you to heal me..”

are we up to the challenge?

wake me up when september ends

“i always get depressed when my birthday approaches.. i don’t mean clinically depressed / catatonic / tragically sad; just listless, low-energy, kind of blue. it’s not an original or trendy condition - lots of people get depressed round their birthdays. maybe it’s the reminder of their own mortality, or disappointment at not having hit all their targets.. or the sneaking suspicion that this is as good as it gets and your life goes downhill from here.”

- jessica z.

i could have written those lines. really. everytime september comes around, i look in the mirror half-expecting to see smurfette (oh, you know.. the “little blue girl” in the 80’s cartoons - the smurfs?!). it’s as if time agonizingly slows down.. and the days just seem to drag on. it gets harder to wake up in the morning and much harder to sleep at night.

it’s not like i ask to be sad every time my birthday comes around. i don’t. but i can’t help it. oh, i know, i’m not a sunny person to begin with. but special occasions just make me more morose than usual.

i thought i was the only one on this planet who felt this way. after all, it did seem kinda weird to get bitten by the “blue bug” each time you’re supposed to be *celebrating* your special day. so it came as a surprise when i read jessica zafra’s article (phil. star, 08sept06, YS section) last friday. so i’m not alone after all. hmm. i’m normal. sort of. hahaha.

then a few days ago, i gained a new friend (this should come as a surprise to many, hehe). she’s a couple of years my junior.. but i found out that we actually share *a lot* of things in common. we both love to read and write. we like the same authors and are fond of collecting quotes. we are both quite moody (hehe). heck, we almost even had the same pseudonym (“lil blue girl”)! hmm. it’s freaky to find someone who’s sooo like you. freaky yet somehow, reassuring.. :)

come to think of it, this is the second time this has happened to me this year. earlier on, i met a sister in the community who was so like me that we hit it off almost instantly (we were so alike that people often confused our articles, hehe).

so. i gained two great friends this year (believe it or not, *that* is a record for me.. haha). and both of them showed up at times when i was feeling really down in the dumps. coincidence? i think not.

maybe God made a way for me to meet these people to tell me that i’m not alone. that no matter how weird my thoughts are.. how silly i act.. and how inexplicably sad i may feel at times, there are others around me who understand. who are going through (or have gone through) the same things in their lives.

it’s still september. i’m still experiencing my annual birthday blues. but it’s not so bad anymore. ‘coz sometimes, just knowing that there are others who are on the same road with you is enough to make the walk a lot easier (and more fun, haha!) :)

looks like God is shaking me awake from my listlessness even before september ends, haha. i’m fine with that. then maybe i can spend my birthday with my eyes wide open :)

mirror, mirror

Several days ago, I saw this mirror mounted on a wall. It was a really huge one. Dramatic. And it really caught my attention. I suddenly remembered what those interior decorators always say - if you want to create the illusion of more space, use mirrors.. they will definitely open up the place.

A mirror doesn’t just make a room seem “roomier,” though. It is one of the simplest yet most useful inventions in existence. It is used in cosmetics, in discos, in department stores, in homes, in offices, in laboratories and hey, even in outer space!

But of course, the most important function of a mirror is to show us what we look like. Can you imagine going through an entire day without even glancing at your reflection (and thus, not knowing whether remnants of breakfast are stuck between your teeth)? I know I can’t.

Nevertheless, I’m not one who’s fond of looking at herself in the mirror. I don’t know.. I guess it’s because I get too self-conscious everytime I see my reflection. I tend to focus too much on my flaws (“Oh no.. is that a pimple?! Uh oh.. I think I see the beginning of a wrinkle here..”). Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and think “Oh, I’m too fat” or “I wish I had fairer skin” or “Why couldn’t I look more like Angelina Jolie?” (hahaha).

Still, even though I feel uncomfortable staring at myself in the mirror, I continue to do it. Everyday (And I suppose, so does everyone else) Why? For the simple reason that *I have to.* I need to keep looking at myself - flaws and all - so that I can get rid of whatever is unsightly.. highlight what is good.. and most importantly, *know what I look like* hehe ü

But brothers and sisters, what we see in the mirror is only a shadow of the person we really are. For while mirrors may reflect the shape of our face or the contour of our body, it cannot show us who we are inside. It cannot show us the state of our mind or spirit. It cannot depict what’s in our heart - our desires, our fears, our beliefs - everything that makes us unique.. different from everybody else.

In the bible, James writes about how silly it is for a person to look at the mirror and then forget what his face looks like (1:24). It may seem funny.. but it can happen to us if we’re not careful.

If we do not make it a habit to pause.. to pray.. and to look at our “inner mirrors,” then we will soon forget who we *really* are. We may no longer know our weaknesses and our strengths. We may no longer see our own value.. our own worth. We may no longer recognize the person whom our Lord sees.. the person He loves. And thus, we will not be able to picture the ourselves the way God wants us to be.. someone who mirrors Him.

There’s more to us than faces. The Lord loves us - wrinkles and all ü And it’s a relief to know that while He sees so much more than what the mirror shows, He also sees *beyond* our outer images. He sees Himself in us ü

I looked at my reflection in that huge mirror. And in spite of myself.. I liked what I saw ü

So next time you look in the mirror, just remember: You are loved. Immensely. Unconditionally. Perfectly. And I hope that like me, you will learn to love what you see ü

you can’t always get what you want

“true contentment depends not upon what we have; a tub was large enough for diogenes, but a world was too little for alexander.“ charles colton

several days ago, i rode the mrt going to makati with a friend. it was hot and humid.. and i was tired and unbelievably thirsty. all i wanted at that time was a full glass of ice-cold drink.

so i went to this hotdog stand and bought my iced tea (P25 for a medium-sided cup!? sheesh) i could have gotten myself a drink at a cheaper price.. but i was really desperate then.. so i didn’t much care. it took me only a couple of gulps to drain the cup. aaaahh.. that felt really good :) i think that was the best iced tea drink i’ve ever had, hahaha :)

the queue for the mrt tickets was really long, so my friend and i stood in line for quite some time. there were a lot of beverage stands there at the station.. but iced tea no longer appealed to me. i wasn’t interested in getting myself another cup.. not for P10.. not even for free! haha.. i went from desperately longing for iced tea to bland indifference in a matter of minutes.

and i’m sure i’m not alone in this. every one of us has had, at one time or another, an “iced tea experience.” oh, you know.. like those times when you feel you just *have* to buy that great pair of jeans.. or when you’re *absolutely sure* that the only thing that can make you happy is the newest cell phone model.. or when you think that *if only* you could get your dream house (or the “man of your dreams” perhaps?!) then you’ll be happy forever. hmm. unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way.

we are not naturally wired for contentment. as neil gaiman said, “the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted.” no matter how high our dreams may be, once we achieve them, we realize that we still long to have more. eventually, we find that nothing satisfies us - not wealth, not fame, not success, not even great friendships. nope, we can’t always get what we want. because once we get the stuff we *think* we want, they somehow diminish in value.. and we go off searching once more for who-knows-what.

“..Be content with what you have, because God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’”

(Heb 13:5)

perhaps it’s time for us to listen to this advice :) the Lord is always with us.. ever-present, ever-giving, ever-loving. His blessings are new every morning. and wonderful though the gifts may be, they all pale in comparison to the value of the Giver :)

if we truly make the Lord our heart’s desire, He is sure to satisfy - not just for a moment.. not even just for a lifetime.. but for all eternity :)

what more can we ask for? :)

I Can

It's funny. When I started out in Rivers, I always had the feeling that I had a lot to offer to the community. I was excited to attend all the activities - ministry meetings, bible study sessions, cell group sessions.. name it, I'm there. I was eager to be a part of all that Rivers had to offer. My prayer life was great, too. Every morning I'd have my quiet time.. and then again at night. I had a "prayer diary" where I would tell God everything that went on in the day. I was happy in the community.. and I was so in love with the Lord.

This stage lasted all of five years. After that.. well, things sort of.. broke up into pieces, bit by bit. I made a lot of friends.. and lost some, too. I experienced disappointment and frustration with the very same brothers and sisters with whom i've been working. It became easier to stop attending the activities of the community. I also experienced spiritual dryness for the first time. Most of the time, I end up frustrated after I utter my prayers. It was as if God hid Himself from me. I was confused.. and lonely. The 'honeymoon' stage of my christian walk was over.

In his talk last Saturday at the workers' retreat, fr. Phil estrella discussed the different stages of spiritual development. One thing I remember in particular is when he said that we all go through the stage of 'first fervor' - the time of our life when we feel so in love with the Lord. This, however, lasts only for a short while. after that, we undergo what is called the 'waning' stage - the time when we first start to doubt.. when God keeps silent.. when we stop feeling so "high" during services.. and when our spiritual exercises seem to do us no good at all. Unfortunately, according to fr. Phil, the waning stage can last as long as 25 years or more.

As soon as I heard him say this, I understood that everything I have gone through.. and everything that I still am going through at this moment.. is meant to help me grow in my spiritual walk. So the honeymoon is over. Well.. that's great! That means I can now learn to love God more deeply.. and with more meaning. It means I can praise Him and thank Him even when He is silent.. and even when life just seems to suck. And more importantly, it means that this phase, no matter how long it may last, is just that - a phase. It will pass.. eventually :

"What took you so long to make me see how lucky I am 'cause I am free.. free to do things I wanna do? What took you so long to make me cry.. so I will know the reason why I'm so lucky I can smile?"

Yes, I am free to do the things I want to do. Free to cry, free to doubt, free to experience pain. But I'm also free to laugh, free to believe, and free to worship in a God Whom I know will always be there with me in my 'waning' moments.. and I know, with Him around.. I can do everything He wants me to ü

Happy in the Meantime

Everybody is looking for it. Everybody wants to have it. So few ever *really* and *truly* get it. And sometimes, even when they do, it doesn’t last long enough to be appreciated. Hmm. You have to admit.. sometimes happiness is overrated.

Christians, especially we who are in the Charismatic renewal, are almost always *expected* to be happy. We are, after all, an “Easter” people. But does this mean we should always have that smile plastered on our faces? Does this mean our eyes should never cry? Do our faces always have to radiate with joy?

Last Wednesday, I was feeling a bit down in the dumps. Deadlines at work, chaotic schedules and some friend problems were troubling my thoughts. I was tired, sleep-deprived, distracted and confused. Hence, it took a while before I could actually focus on Sis. Yna’s worship.

But in spite of the many distracting thoughts in my head, I tried my best to concentrate on the worship. And by the help of the Holy Spirit, I succeeded. It was a struggle at first, but eventually, I was able to really listen to the prayers and sing the songs from the heart.

I found out that when you *consciously* and *actively* participate in the community worship, you just can’t help but have a sense of wonder.. a sense of awe. What is wonderful? What is awesome? A God Who is as real when you are feeling sad.. as He is when you are feeling happy.

And that time, during worship, the Lord reminded me of a quote that I saved a couple of days earlier. This came from my favorite show, Grey’s Anatomy:

Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing... is reason enough to celebrate.

Happiness may be overrated. But gratefulness is not. To be an Easter person does not mean I have to glow with joy all the time. It does mean, however, that I be *grateful* for every blessing - big or small - that He bestows upon me. Because I do not need to be happy to be grateful. But I *need* to be grateful before I can be joyful ü

I am happy. In the meantime. And I know there will be times when I won’t be this way. When I will feel lost and shed copious tears. But that’s okay. Because I know when those times come, I’d still have Someone to be grateful for. And in the end, that’s all that matters.

C13 H20 N2 O2

Procaine (also known as Novocaine or Novacaine) is a local anesthetic drug of the amino ester group. It is used primarily to reduce the pain of intramuscular injection of penicillin, and is also used in dentistry.

(from Wikipedia)

Everyone has experienced it. That dull, throbbing sensation. One minute, you’re doing fine.. and the next.. your face is all twisted up in pain and you forget everything around you except for that stabbing ache in your mouth. Yup.. nothing hurts quite like a toothache.

Sometimes as we do our daily routine, we experience the “toothaches” of life. These are the pains that may not be very serious or life threatening.. but are very inconvenient. They distract you.. make everything else look blurry.. until you cannot think of anything else.

Each person has his own personal “life toothache.” For some, it could be a crisis of the heart. For others, it may take the form of a financial or family problem. Still, there are those whose pains stem from their addictions. Whatever the nature of the pain, though, one thing is sure: we all want it to stop.

If “Novocaine for the spirit” existed, we all probably would have taken it.. one time or another.. just so we would not have to deal with hurts and pains. But see, there’s no such thing as an anesthetic for life. And no matter how much we wish to be spared from trials, inconveniences and problems, we can’t just escape them.

So how do we deal? We do not take an anesthetic. We take the cure..

For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. (Job 5:18)

God wounds?! Yes, He does. But not without good reason. By His wounds, we are healed (Isa 53:5). In the same manner, by allowing us to experience woundedness, He teaches us how to heal others.

And sometimes, just knowing that our “toothaches” have a purpose is enough to make the pain bearable. Works better than Novocaine.. definitely ü

forget me not

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

- semisonic

it happened exactly one year ago. august 16, 2005. it was the day i officially became "single" again after four years into a relationship. it was the end of one phase of my life.. and the start of another.

i started writing articles for the newsletter a few weeks after the breakup. at first, i wrote because it was a form of "therapy" for me - a way to organize my thoughts and feelings. for quite a while, all i could write about was my heartbreak and my loss. it was difficult to see the blessings.. and it was always a struggle to find something to be grateful for.

but by the Lord’s grace, bit by bit, i felt my heart healing. soon, i found myself able to smile.. to laugh.. to hope.. and to love myself again.

it's been an eventful year. sure, there were painful moments. but there were abundant blessings as well: the love of family.. the comfort of friends.. the joy of worship and service.. the privilege of sharing God's Word with others.. the renewed friendship with my ex (yup.. we're good friends now, hehe).. the rush of new adventures, new experiences and new friends.. and so much more.

new beginnings. most of the time, when we go through bad times, we only look at what we've lost. but the saying is true.. "when god closes a door, he opens a window." we never really run out of opportunities to change.. to grow.. to improve. it certainly may not seem to be the case while we're going through the heartache.. but after a while, we realize that we have to say goodbye to the old before we can say hello to the new.

so today i celebrate my first "anniversary" ü let me share with you a verse that really gave me comfort during my darkest moments:

"can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? even these may forget, but i will not forget you. behold, i have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.."

(is 49:15-16)

yes, i am single.. but i am not "loveless." i love and am loved in return. i am remembered.. never to be forgotten.

ahhhh.. it's been a wonderful year. i'm looking forward to the next 365 days.. ü

Catching Z’s: Ramblings of the Sleep-Deprived

have you ever tried to stay awake for three consecutive days with only 6 hours’ worth of sleep? i have. just recently, actually. and well.. it didn’t exactly feel great :p

some people dread the nighttime. for most, the “witching hours” are unholy.. scary.. too quiet. as for me, well, i’m a night person. i prefer staying up late. i find i am most productive from 11pm to 2am. it is the time when i am able to write and compose my essays and other literary stuff. it is my “alone time” - where my only companions are my trusty zen micro and my beloved pc.

nighttime always had this appeal for me, even when i was much younger. back in high school, i remember i’d literally go sleepless for 36-48 hours straight.. just so i could read a good novel or study for a test. i loved the solitude and the quiet that i got when everyone else was asleep.

recently, though, the habitual sleep deprivation seems to be costing me. after a particularly busy weekend (mostly because of the upcat) with almost no sleep, i woke up on monday morning to a spinning room. i got up from bed and found that i couldn’t even walk straight. haha.. i probably looked like someone with a bad hangover. minus the drinking :p

i wasn’t able to go to work that day. i just stayed home and watched tv. and slept. and slept. and slept some more. it was as if i couldn’t get my eyes to stay open. i was powerless to stop my brain from shutting down and dozing off.
and i guess the same can happen to our spiritual lives, if we’re not careful. i mean, we can be so busy doing our daily routines - going to work, doing household chores, paying bills, even serving in church. and often we do not even take the time to pause.. to reflect on what we’re doing. we are proud of our “dedication” and our “zeal”.. and we forget (or sometimes even refuse) to take time out from the busyness of life.

but after some time, we find ourselves waking up with no enthusiasm.. no energy to finish the things we are tasked to do. everything becomes a burden. we experience burn-out. and we can’t understand why.

“Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God.”
Ex 20:8-10

this is more than just good advice. rest is, in fact, essential to our spiritual lives. we all need our Sabbaths. not only on sundays or weekends.. but everyday. to take time off from everything else. to refocus our spiritual eyes. to spend a little more time with our most passionate yet most patient Lover. without it, we cannot function the way we should. without rest.. without spending some quiet time with our Lord.. we are like mere robots. allwork. no heart.

“And as I lay me down tonight, I close my eyes, what a beautiful sight” (Sleeping to Dream)

hmm. He is a beautiful sight, indeed ü i think i’m going to start catching up on my “zzz’s” from now on ü

A Glimpse of Heaven

“Everything is not enough / I’m looking for a little / Of that intangible stuff / Everything is not enough / I want more / I need more” - Seaholm

several weeks ago, we had to call the mother of one of our students at school. her daughter was found bleeding profusely from a self-inflicted wound - the girl slashed her upper arm using a cutter. the teacher who found her immediately brought her to the clinic, where the nurse dressed her cut as the guidance counselor tried to find out what caused her to hurt herself.

this student does not seem to have any particular problem. her grades are okay. she has not been involved in any disciplinary case. her family can afford to give her what she wants - books, computers, games, celphones, etc. she is intelligent, articulate and pretty. she isn’t shunned by her batchmates. she is a voracious reader and a prolific writer. she has unique ideas and can be very insightful in class (when she’s in the mood)..

and she hates herself.

her adviser could not understand it. nor could her mother. no one could explain how a bright, young girl with so much going for her, could feel the way she did.

it seemed that she had everything. but “everything” was not enough. because that which she most needed, she did not have: love and hope.

i remembered this particular student last sunday, when fr. mar gave his homily. he quoted mother theresa a number of times; but one struck me most: “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.“ and it’s true - loneliness can happen to people from all walks of life. no amount of money, power, fame or prestige can shake off the feeling. friends can offer their time and a shoulder to cry on. romantic relationships may temporarily keep the sorrow at bay. but really, no earthly force can take away despair once it has set in.

i know. because i’ve been there. i know how it feels to be alone.. and not liking even the company of one’s self. it is a terrible feeling, to say the least. and i would never wish it on anyone. not even my worst enemy.

that’s why one of the things i am most grateful for is that God made sure i am always surrounded by loving people. He sends me His love through my family, my friends, my co-ministry members and my brothers and sisters in the community. it’s true that many times, i take His blessings for granted.. and often, i become oblivious to His instruments of love and peace. but deep in my heart, i know i am truly grateful to the Lord for sending them my way.

i am also thankful that while i know how it feels to despair, God ensured that i would know how it feels to be loved.. to be wanted.. to have hope. but He does not pour out His love upon me all in one sitting. He lets me feel it bit by bit.. giving me small “installments” of His lambing just when i feel i can no longer cope.

and our weekly tv mass has been a surprising source of blessing for me. recently, i realized that it is not only a mass for the homebound. it is also a source of nourishment for those who serve. as we minister to the sick.. as we pray for those who need healing.. we ourselves are being ministered to. we ourselves are being healed. spiritually. physically. emotionally.

i thank the Lord for fr. mar’s inspiring homilies.. for the wonderful worship.. for the privilege of service.. and the feeling of belongingness everytime i attend our sunday masses. being in community certainly makes me feel God’s love in my heart.

i totally agree with what the donor of the check wrote. i thank God for letting me see a “glimpse of heaven” everytime i am with my Rivers family ü

i pray for our student.. and for so many more despairing people who are hurting behind smiling faces. i hope that the Lord will send them people who will make them feel His love.. who will share His joy and peace with them.

brothers and sisters, let us hope that we be privileged enough to be the “windows” of God’s love. because there are many who could certainly use a glimpse of heaven here on earth.

i m p E r F e c T

this weekend, i was able to watch several episodes of “monk.” the series is about this ex-detective who’s got excellent skills of deduction and who’s really great at solving mysteries. however, he’s also extremely OC (obsessive-compulsive). he’s afraid of human contact because he’s scared of germs. he cannot tolerate loud noises, public gatherings, heights and closed spaces. he needs everything to be in order.. and if things are not in their proper places, he panics and could not concentrate. his disorder prevents him from becoming that which he most wants to be: a reinstated police officer.

as i was watching the show, i remembered fr. mar’s homily. he said that Jesus was not able to perform as many miracles in his hometown as he did in the neighboring villages. it was not because Jesus did not have the power to do so. instead, the people’s lack of faith - in themselves, and in God’s abundant mercy and grace - stopped them from receiving His healing and His blessings. the people did not believe that they had greatness within them; so they refused to acknowledge greatness in others as well.

i have to admit.. when i heard fr. mar’s homily, i cringed and inwardly said “ouch!” because i know i myself have been guilty of such thoughts. like Jesus’ “kababayans” i would equate greatness with success. i put premium on perfection and order; so anything that rocks the boat upsets me. i’ve often been suspicious of new things.. new places.. and thus missed out on a lot of opportunities. my fears.. my low self-esteem.. my “disorders” prevented me from becoming that which i most want to be: a person with great faith in God.

but this morning, as i was driving to work, the words of an old favorite song suddenly popped into mind. it was strange.. ‘coz i have not heard that song for years.. and i haven’t been thinking about it. but the lyrics played on in my head; and i felt that the Lord was asking me to pay attention:

He looked through all my disguises / into my weakness and pride / He looked behind my pretenses / and into this heart that i hide / in His words were acceptance and healing / and a powerful feeling of hope / and right then and there, i knew He was love / and that’s all i needed to know

and after a long time of denying my sadness.. of forcing myself to be strong.. of hiding my disappointment with myself.. of not being able to cry.. i felt tears well up in my eyes. not tears of sadness.. but tears of gratitude. the realization was very clear: i am imperfect. and God loves me just the same.

i wanted everything to be orderly. i couldn’t stand it when things were not under my control. i was demanding perfection from myself and from my circumstances. but the Lord says “no.. you do not need to be perfect for Me to love you. there is beauty in imperfection. and in your weakness, My strength shines through even more.”

“...‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.” 2 Cor 12:9

i do not know a lot of things. but this one thing i do know: Jesus is love. and that’s all i need to know ü